Good gods I'm weak. Not physically, but psychologically or somesuch. I don't know if it's an inherent thing or something I learned to be over time, but ... I can almost never quite escape the feeling that I'm irrelevant, or not worth consideration, or just small and insignificant. I mean, there's been some moments, few and far between, where I find myself able to think differently, and when I do karate I get better because in that I know for a certainty that I can do things not many others can do. But it doesn't apply to the rest of my life.
Namely I see, to be very good at getting ignored. This is of course only my flawed perception of events, as the people I seek attention from are busy and have other people they interact with and mountains of schoolwork and such plus I have the unfortunate habit of marginalizing myself in social situations and making myself seem fine when I'm really not, but that doesn't change the fact that I can barely get any communication in with ... well, who I consider friends. It's difficult if not outright impossible for me to make any plans that actually materialize, and when plans between friends do materialize they're almost inevitably 'go to the local bar'. I don't ... why the fuck would I want to go to the bar? Getting drunk isn't really fulfilling at all. I go along when it happens, sure, but I don't really drink, I just go because it's the only opportunity I have to talk with people outside of work. I don't like it super much, but when you're too shy to call someone without internally agonizing over it for two days beforehand and any messages you send don't get read until at least 5 days after you've sent them for the most part and any alternative plans of yours just flat out don't materialize because the other person's too busy or possibly just not interested in which case why the fuck did they even agree in the first place you take what you can get.
...
This is how I lost a friend I had for a long time, communication just stopped. But what's the point of communicating if I never get a response anyway?
And I know in my rational mind that none of this is because I'm disliked or am easily ignored or whatever, it's all due to outside factors that have nothing to do with me. But my emotions aren't rational things, and I feel ignored and dismissed even though that makes no fucking sense.
Also I realized the exact moment when I missed probably the best opportunity I could ever have had. I know when I could've done something to change what happened, or at least not have myself in this solitary little corner of myself, and I missed it for something that completely fucking underwhelmed me and that I payed too much money for. 3 crucial days and 200 dollars spent on techniques I could've picked up from a fucking Google search. I know this because immediately after I arrived home I did that and DID. Fucking pseudo-mystical non-effective bullshitassfuckkillmaimstabstrangling reiki bullshit. I'm not even mad about the money, it's not like I spend it on anything, but the fucking time cost me by that stupid fucking three-day workshop, and the fact that it happened on those three fuckijg days in particular ... I don't get mad about nearly anything. This makes me enraged because of what might have happened then. AND I WASTED IT ON FUCKING PUTTING HANDS ON PEOPLE AND PRETENDING THAT FUCKING HEALS PEOPLE FOR THREE FUCKING DAYS I HOPE THEIR PRACTICE BECOMES MARGINALIZED AND DIES FORGOTTEN BY EVERYONE COLD AND ALONE IN A REMOTE CORNER OF THE WORLD
No use looking back on what might have happened, though. Only thing to do is to move forward and hopefully past this communications block I'm faced with. Somehow.
...how though