Sometimes I wonder if i'm just a big fish in a small pond, and the praise I get for my alleged intelligence is like the normal coddling an average special needs kid gets to feel good about themselves, while i'm actually just pitied and tolerated by the people around me.
My grades are slipping and I'm trying my best to be independent and figure out how to learn this stuff by myself, and I have only one friend outside of the world behind the screen. I just feel like a burden and that no matter what I do i'll never be recognized for anything meaningful. I really have just lost faith in confiding to others, no point in telling my therapist or counselor about how I feel because they can't change anything. I do my work, eat, sleep, live, but I really just don't feel alive. Inside, I just feel like a man bleeding out on the floor, slowly, thinking as his consciousness fades more and more as the blood spills. I'm exhausted and just anxious to the point where I'm just hesitant, too scared to walk into rooms anymore. People tell me to open up and not bottle things up, but that won't solve anything. I just have to keep it bottled up, keep up a facade of being fine, because I can't be more of a burden than I already am.
I don't want to die, too much of a craven bitch to even try if I reached that point, but if I open up i'll just end up hospitalized, and start wasting actual money, and have my grades and life get worse, and when I get out, nothing will change, except i'll be behind.
I just want to be happy, to be worth something. and i'm clinging on to the ideology that enough effort can get anything done. I'm exhausted, anxious, and have to hold back tears every time I think of my life, but I just keep working, and keep moving on. But i'm starting to doubt that, and the question "Is there any hope" just runs through my mind constantly.
Just wondering if I have any worth as a person, wondering if there's hope for me, getting myself addicted to dreams, hallucinations, sleep paralysis, and my thoughts, because they let me escape from reality for some time before I have to go out and face everything, days and days again.
I'm sorta new here, and I feel like an outsider, a burden, like some guy who comes into a game lobby and starts speaking about a divorce or something with total strangers. I just can't speak in real life, but here I have a mask, i'm safe here, i'm okay here no matter what I say about myself. I can't think of another place to say this, really.
Just state of mind stuff, nonsense, thoughts. Just the same thoughts I always have, except the paragraph is different, like every time I think about this.
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Topic: Things that made you sad today thread. (Read 9746526 times)