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Author Topic: Tourniquet - Gone to the... Pub.  (Read 14598 times)

Tack

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Re: Tourniquet - Now in inedible doses!
« Reply #15 on: October 06, 2009, 06:10:22 pm »

... I didn't know you preffered the mace. It was a guess. Everyone loves maces.

Perkele... I like it... s'got a ring to it.

As per usual, one enormous hunk of story this afternoon night... but this one is a battle!

See, Cirius? No apathy here... so how about sparing the butcher... ok?

EDIT: Also, I just broke 5000 words. woo.
« Last Edit: October 07, 2009, 02:44:48 am by Tack »
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Sentience, Endurance, and Thumbs: The Trifector of a Superpredator.
Yeah, he's a banned spammer. Normally we'd delete this thread too, but people were having too much fun with it by the time we got here.

Cirius

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Re: Tourniquet - Now in inedible doses!
« Reply #16 on: October 07, 2009, 01:53:18 am »

At least you gave me a cushion.

See, that's the problem with young people today, not enough of them care enough for their elders to provide a comfortable place for them to sit whilst they are trussed, gagged and drugged to reveal the location of a priceless religious artifact.

When I was a youngling, ne'er a day would go by that we wouldn't have old Hammerstein tied to his stool, demanding he reveal the location of the sacred cookie jar. And we wouldn't even think about doing it without first wiping down the stool and providing a comfortable cushion, sometimes even with tassles.

Those were the days. Ho hum.
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Arch-Bishop Cirius started at the ringing of the bell, which signalled the arrival of a pilgrim with a problem to throw at him. It was always a problem. Nobody ever came to say the hymns with him... Or say happy birthday.

Welcome to Spiritwood

Servu

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Re: Tourniquet - Now in inedible doses!
« Reply #17 on: October 07, 2009, 03:42:31 am »

I'm looking forward for the next update with great anticipation!
PS. the name does have some background to it, if you want I can PM you the details in case you want to use it in the story.
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Tack

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Re: Tourniquet - Now in inedible doses!
« Reply #18 on: October 07, 2009, 04:18:19 am »

The drunken Cirius beamed up into the faces of Motev and Adil. Adil sighed, and tried again. “Tourniquet? Gilded Tourniquet?”
Cirius hid a guilty smile, and shook his head stupidly. Motev turned to Adil in desperation.

 “Cmon, Adil, we’ve only got a minute to get it out of him. You need to take the gag off him, at least”
“All right... But don’t blame me if he starts singing again”
Adil pulled the gag  back out of Cirius’s mouth, and the old man blearily began a loud rendition of “the sailor’s wife”
Adil put his head in his hands. “Geez... he’s skipped right to the verse about the octopus.”
Motev pushed him out of the way. “Let me try”. Leaning forward, he slapped the drunken priest across the face.
“Ok, old man – how about this. You tell us where the Gilded tourniquet is, and we promise we won’t kill you...”
“We won’t tell anyone”
“We’ll give you a lolly”
Cirius stopped, his confusion at being slapped swiftly spreading into a childish grin. “Pwomise?”
Motev sighed... “Yeah, Pwomise, whatever.”
“Weeelll. I don’t know where it is exactly. I’ve only got a fird of the directions...”
Adil straightened in shock. “A third?”
“Yup... Fwee Arch-Bishps, Fwee sets of directions!”
Adil, cursing Turen again under his breath, turned to Motev. “Don’t they have a pope they can give all of the bloody directions to or something?” Shaking his head, Motev replied. “Nah. Armok would rather have three third-in-command’s, than a second-in-command.”

Armok was the single god that all dwarves and most men believed in, regardless of their religious preferences. He decimated enough armies monthly for absolutely everyone to know he existed, instead of just believing he existed. What else could be expected from the token god of blood and vengeance?

Unheeded, Cirius had continued. “I keep my map piece in the... in the chest at the back of the room.”
Motev moved to the back, and after a click or two with his magic-resistant lockpicks, he paused, carefully extracted the lock-picks, and pulled out a small smith’s hammer. With a crunch, he disembowelled the lock, and pulled it free of its housing. Picking up the map section, he turned around – to be greeted with Adil’s incredulous stare. With a shrug, he said. “If you can’t beat them, fuck ‘em up.”
Adil grinned widely. “It’s the dwarven way”.
“Cmon, let’s go.”
“Hang on a sec.” Adil turned to the old man. “Have anything valuable around?”
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Sentience, Endurance, and Thumbs: The Trifector of a Superpredator.
Yeah, he's a banned spammer. Normally we'd delete this thread too, but people were having too much fun with it by the time we got here.

Tack

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Re: Tourniquet - Now in inedible doses!
« Reply #19 on: October 07, 2009, 05:32:13 am »

Yeah, I’m doing half-minute backtracks to cover all of the action. Sorry.


Turen looked in shock at the guards who had burst through the doorway. He looked down to unholster “Gleaming Maw”, and looked up to see the stoic Tanesh, pulling his hand axe out of the last guard’s face. Swallowing his shock, Turen wheeled around. “Ok. We’re going out this way”. However, behind him, Tanesh had already moved out into the hallway. Turen considered following him, then considered again as two humans entered from the visitor’s door.

Tanesh was a wheeling whirlwind of death, his stony expression a counterpoint to the Scintillating blades he wielded. A spear flashed at his side. Acting only from supernatural reflexes, he parried it away with his sword, and sliced a gash in the attacker’s throat. A click from a crossbowdwarf at the other end of the hall saw Tanesh spin and hurl his hand axe with deadly accuracy, splitting the dwarves head. Two monks ran up to him. A punch to the one on the right was blocked, rather expertly. The second tried to catch his descending sword hand, not seeing Tanesh’s right leg come up into an almighty kick in the chest, which levelled and winded the dwarf. Turning his sword, he chopped at the ribs of the monk holding his hand, only to have the monk catch his sword hand as well.
The monk, out of options, considered head butting the dwarf – But, seeing no favourable options there, he released the dwarf’s free hand in order to attempt a punch to the diaphragm. His fist hit, just above the abdominal muscles, and the monk smiled as he felt soft tissue buckle. However, the dwarf’s expression did not change, and the monk saw the hand that he had just freed come up and grab his throat – feeling his windpipe compress before he was thrown along the hallway to land on the winded dwarf, mercifully hitting his head on the unyielding concrete.

Tanesh wheeled again, threatened now by an axe wielding human. No sublety there, Tanesh merely caught the shaft of the axe before the clumsy human could swing, and with a single swipe, severed one of the human’s mail-sheathed legs. Another click, and Tanesh spun once again – putting up his free hand.

At this point, Turen finished with the two humans occupying his attention. Running into the hallway, he was confronted by Tanesh facing him, his hand clenched in front of his face, with a quizzical expression. Seeing the marksdwarves behind him, Turen had no options but to pull the dwarf back into the audience chamber. Only then did he see the bolt grasped in Tanesh’s left hand, with the head buried deep within his thumb. Grimacing, Turen pulled it free, wincing as the bolt grated slightly as it was drawn out of the nick it had chipped into the bone. Pushing the shocked dwarf ahead of him, Turen exited the audience chamber.


The shocked human looked down, at where the demon dog had suddenly appeared, his sword arm caught in the massive jaws. With a sickening crunch, his lower arm disappeared into a mass of bone splinters and blood. He screamed – stopping suddenly when Servu, who had jumped atop the dog, brought his mace down on the human’s head.
Siira, instead, went for the second one. Knowing she couldn’t possibly parry the longsword with just her wrist-knives, she instead went in close, defeating his momentum before he could swing. Her left knife slipped between his ribs, then she was under his arm and away, while he slowly fell to the ground behind her.
She ran from guard to guard, her small knives expertly seeking gaps in armour, throats and eyes. She moved towards the next dwarf, but, seeing it’s defence up – she paused. That was all the opening that the wily guard needed. Immediately he began forcing her on the defensive. Ducking and weaving, she dodged all of the guard’s attacks, the spear soaring harmlessly past a number of times as she sucked in her stomach and weaved left and right. Seeing an opening, she raised one of her knives, only to stop in shock as the dog’s paws came up onto his shoulder from the side, and its massive jaws engulfed his head. Quickly, she turned aside to spare herself from the sight, hearing the crunch as she ran to fight a different guard.

Servu clung on for dear life, lying atop Perkele as it pushed itself off the headless guard’s body, and with an almighty spring, began bounding towards another group of guards twenty feet away. Sighting a guard to the right, he pulled his torso up, and swung his mace at the guard, catching him in the ribs and dropping him. Seeing that the dog could take care of itself, he gave a distinctive cluck, and the dog slowed enough for him to bounce off the back of the dog, quick-stepping to slow his momentum, while it continued charging ahead, bowling over three of the guards. He turned to the right, spinning his mace expertly between thumb and forefinger, and jogged towards where Siira was held up by three monks. Seeing her dispatch one expertly with a stab to the underarm, he took the advantage of surprise and hit the third over the back of the head, cunningly changing his angle to include the second guard’s shoulder in its deadly swing. The first guard dropped like a stone, the second howled as the serrated grooves indented in the mace bit into his shoulder. Catching the opening, Siira stabbed him in the right side of his neck, and the guard went down. The pair, catching their breath at the momentary lull, watched as Perkele jumped atop another dwarven guard, biting at her face. However, their rest was short lived, as they saw the rest of the temple become pouring out of the many structures in the complex.
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Sentience, Endurance, and Thumbs: The Trifector of a Superpredator.
Yeah, he's a banned spammer. Normally we'd delete this thread too, but people were having too much fun with it by the time we got here.

Tack

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Re: Tourniquet - Now in inedible doses!
« Reply #20 on: October 07, 2009, 05:40:25 am »

More asides. (I actually feel like doing these more often, cos they seem to communicate my ideas in more detail than the story can. I've spoilered them, so feel free to skip them if you don't want to be distracted by random peeks into my thinking.)

Spoiler (click to show/hide)
« Last Edit: October 08, 2009, 04:09:49 am by Tack »
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Sentience, Endurance, and Thumbs: The Trifector of a Superpredator.
Yeah, he's a banned spammer. Normally we'd delete this thread too, but people were having too much fun with it by the time we got here.

Servu

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Re: Tourniquet - Cos dwarven thieves stealing from armok is always fun!
« Reply #21 on: October 07, 2009, 10:21:42 am »

Holy hell the pace of the updates!
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Tack

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Re: Tourniquet - Cos dwarven thieves stealing from armok is always fun!
« Reply #22 on: October 08, 2009, 12:26:47 am »

Sorry, I'm really busy today so I'll probably only be able to put in one update tonight
*gasp* *shock* *horror*
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Sentience, Endurance, and Thumbs: The Trifector of a Superpredator.
Yeah, he's a banned spammer. Normally we'd delete this thread too, but people were having too much fun with it by the time we got here.

Cirius

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Re: Tourniquet - Cos dwarven thieves stealing from armok is always fun!
« Reply #23 on: October 08, 2009, 02:41:12 am »

Aaaaaaaaaand,

The sailor's wife was of great reknown,
The men sing about her in the town.
From the richest lord to the poorest dregs,
They sing about her big fat legs.

The sailor's wife, the sailor's wife,
The biggest ever woman seen in your life.

When her husband left for sea one day,
It wasn't long before she frolicked in the hay,
She took home the butcher, a guy named Jack,
And soon she ended up on her back.

The sailor's wife, the sailor's wife,
The biggest ever woman seen in your life.

As her fellow ploughed the mighty wave,
His wife soon found herself another slave,
The baker followed her home with bread,
And soon found himself within her bed.

The sailor's wife, the sailor's wife,
The biggest ever woman seen in your life.

(Obligatory key change)

Then one stormy night at sea,
a night that fell into infamy,
Her husband sank into his grave,
even while his wife found another knave.

The sailor's wife, the sailor's wife,
The biggest ever woman seen in your life.

And while he sank beneath the crests,
he thought about her mighty breasts,
up rose a mighty octopus,
and [CENSORED FOR PUBLIC DECENCY]
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Arch-Bishop Cirius started at the ringing of the bell, which signalled the arrival of a pilgrim with a problem to throw at him. It was always a problem. Nobody ever came to say the hymns with him... Or say happy birthday.

Welcome to Spiritwood

Tack

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Re: Tourniquet - Cos dwarven thieves stealing from armok is always fun!
« Reply #24 on: October 08, 2009, 03:18:36 am »

Cirius... That was amazing. I love it.

Turen ran out of the temple entrance – Tanesh right behind him - holding a guards shirt to his thumb to help staunch the bleeding. Tanesh, seeing the closing circle of guards and monks around the pair, and the widening circle around the dog, hurriedly looked around for a way to help them. Sighting something, he turned to Tanesh. “Do ye think you could get the wagon?” Tanesh gave a nod and ran off. Turen ran to the right, re-sheathed his axe, and began to climb.

Meanwhile, Servu was watching the closing circle with dread. The enemies closed slowly, circling behind to surround them completely. Across from the circle, he could see twenty guards with tower shields trying to keep his dog isolated from the group. It had been decided long ago that killing it seemed to be impossible, as it never seemed to slow as it rushed from soldier to soldier, biting at shields, trying to knock off helms. An unfortunate soldier lifted his shield too high; the dog rushed in and pulled off one of his greaves, managing to crush his shinbone before the shield came back down onto its nose. The screaming guard was dragged backwards, and another replaced him, the guards becoming collectively more wary. Servu, seeing that the dog was effectively cornered, turned and yelled “Perkele!” Immediately it jumped on top of one of the soldier’s shields, grounding it and springing halfway to Servu, it’s momentum falling short, and causing it to fall flat into a group of soldiers. The monks and guards surrounding the area, seeing the dog go down, immediately fell on the area. After a small tumult, the dog ran out through the closing wall of soldiers, shedding monks and guards at it cantered along. Reaching Servu, it sat - crushing the legs of an unfortunate guard who had been unwise enough to continue holding on – and began gnawing at a knife imbedded in its shoulder muscle. Servu knelt down to give it a pat, and remove the troublesome object, tearing off a piece of his trousers to stuff into the wound. Handling the knife like dangerous poison, he walked around to the other end of Perkele, before flipping the knife and shoving it directly into the skull of the unfortunate guard. Standing, Servu turned to the aghast Siira, a smirk on his face. “Coming?” Without waiting for an answer, he walked back past her, calling out to the following Perkele, “Sit”. Turning, he walked towards one end of the circle, one being as good as the other, picking up his mace as he moved.
 “Time to up the ‘ante”. Pulling free his backpack, he grabbed off his second mace, and tossed it towards Perkele, yelling “Guard”, and as he walked towards one end of the circle – Siira following, it began to stretch, as the guards on the sides started to move in, while still trying to maintain a respectful distance from the demon dog and the backpack it now gripped happily in its jaws.

Walking towards a particular human, he gave a small happy hop-skip, before breaking into a run. Reaching the guard, his defence set, he suddenly stopped, his first mace coming down to bat the guard’s shield to the side, the second coming down onto his head. Hitting the next guard on the kneecap, he did a quick spin, hitting the next in the hip, while hitting another in the face. Servu spun and weaved, his maces flicking back and forth, a resounding crack sounding with every hit. A sword came up to defend, he caught it in the serrated grooves of his second mace, and gave a quick tug, pulling the weapon free of the guard. Hitting away a second guard with his other mace, he hit again at the guard, this time hitting a blocking arm. Seeing this guard to be just troublesome, he gave a twist of his wrist, the teeth of the mace locking into the guard’s flesh. Tugging the mace behind him, the guard had no choice but to follow, as the alternative was having that part of his skin tugged off. A quick step to the left, and the two maces made a quick rat-tat-tat on another guard’s shield, forcing him to drop down, so that the dwarf could now jump up on the shield held above the guard’s head. Servu swayed, but compared to balancing upon the dog, this was no contest – with the added benefit of him now being high enough to get in good strikes at the heads around him. Like a practiced drummer, he began smashing in skulls to either side, managing to kill or wound at least nine before the guard underneath him began to rise. Looking down, Servu gave a quick hop, putting even more weight on the struggling guard. Hopping backwards, he smashed in the guard’s kneecap, then, when his shield went low, hit him in the head.

Suddenly, all eyes turned up at the sound of a resounding crack, to see Turen, who had sheared through the legs of a gigantic marble statue of armok. Running around to the other side, he gave an almighty shove to start it’s fall, and then jumped on the back of its legs, as it slid down towards the guards. Unfortunately, the statue didn’t go as fast as Turen had hoped, so they were all able to scramble out of the way, but the sheer size of the statue caused for most of the guards to be cut off from the invading adventurers. As Servu scrambled backwards from the sliding monstrosity, he saw the wagon come flying around the corner, tipping on two wheels as the muskoxen tethered to the front bowled through the guards and monks in their way. Breaking into the circle, it suddenly stopped, and as Siira ran around to the back, she saw Motev and Adil sitting in there, Adil with a golden idol tucked under his arm. Turen, finished with his statue surfing, jumped to the ground and immediately started running towards the caravan, Servu running back to Perkele and retrieving his backpack. Ordering the dog into the caravan, he returned his mace, christened “helmshatter” – to the backpack, jumping into the caravan as it rolled past. Turen was last in, and the caravan rumbled off out of the temple complex, Perkele howling a farewell to the soldiers trying to chase them.

Inside the caravan, Adil held up the Idol in the general direction of Turen.
“Would there be any of these at the other two temples?”
“Very likely”
“You’re forgiven, for now”.

Leaning back, Adil rested his head against one of the seats situated in the side of the caravan wall. Turning to the right, he noticed Motev’s incredulous stare.
“What?”
... “A cushion”
“Hey... it’ll have more impact than you think”.


Arch-Bishop Cirius, newly untied, ordered his chief of staff to him. In a completely calm and collected voice, he ordered – “Chase them, Find them... and bring them to me.”
The chief of staff bowed, and sent a monk out of the room to relay the information to the troops.
“Pardon me, sir. Would you prefer them Dead, or Alive?”

Cirius fixed a patronising stare upon the chief.

"Chief... They’re dwarves.”
« Last Edit: October 08, 2009, 06:10:29 am by Tack »
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Sentience, Endurance, and Thumbs: The Trifector of a Superpredator.
Yeah, he's a banned spammer. Normally we'd delete this thread too, but people were having too much fun with it by the time we got here.

Tack

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Re: Tourniquet - Cos dwarven thieves stealing from armok is always fun!
« Reply #25 on: October 08, 2009, 04:15:06 am »

Question: Is it better to skip the travel process, the occasional goblin raid, and them being ambushed by armokian assassins in an inn on the way to the next temple, or write it all up?
I generally don't like writing travels, as they don't keep the action fast enough.
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Sentience, Endurance, and Thumbs: The Trifector of a Superpredator.
Yeah, he's a banned spammer. Normally we'd delete this thread too, but people were having too much fun with it by the time we got here.

Servu

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Perhaps make it a brief flashback?
An incredible update once again. I really hope the pace keeps this high!
By the way, I intend to sig this, it actually has some minor comedic value when brought to context.

Servu, seeing that the dog was effectively cornered, turned and yelled “Perkele!”
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Tack

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cos it's a swearword?
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Sentience, Endurance, and Thumbs: The Trifector of a Superpredator.
Yeah, he's a banned spammer. Normally we'd delete this thread too, but people were having too much fun with it by the time we got here.

Servu

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Yeah
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Tack

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heheh... finland.

Have to say though, a few mental images get me chuckling.
Turen stared at Adil until he calmed down. Of course, Turen was a valuable friend, and never before had sent him off on a wild goose chase. There'd be a good reason for this.
“"Yes"” Turen replied.
A moment of shock, then Adil screamed “WHAT!?” into Turen's upturned face.
If I had skills in art, I'd so make a threepanel.
« Last Edit: October 08, 2009, 05:09:24 am by Tack »
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Sentience, Endurance, and Thumbs: The Trifector of a Superpredator.
Yeah, he's a banned spammer. Normally we'd delete this thread too, but people were having too much fun with it by the time we got here.
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