And trying not to freak out while I wait for guests to arrive (I am happy they're visiting though, and I'm happy with how much cleaner my place is right now)
In fact, frankly, I'm happy that I'm not a whole lot more anxious. Helps that I can take slow deep breaths without inhaling a bunch of dust anymore.
It went so well! Just, oh wow, everything went so well.
Mom and brother complimented my apartment... and while they were mostly being nice, and I can never read my brother's sincerity... I can read my mom easily, and she was genuinely happy/relieved! And she has this *crazy* sensitive sense of smell, which sucks when I have practically none. I know the place has some smells (brother could tell that I'd been frying fish) but she didn't start cleaning or sigh or get tense.
(... this time. So, massive improvement)
Brother and I chilled with some racing games and Madden (he intentionally brought stuff I'm not into, to broaden my horizons. Which was fresh and fun with him!) and I showed him some Metal Gear Solid 5 and shared various crazy bits from the story. The only iffy part was that we talked politics a while, but mostly we discussed our lives, and cool gaming stuff from our different areas of interests.
We went to a family event (in my town), where we kept each other from getting bored and helped move tables and chairs and such. Then had some delicious burritos (think Chipotle but local) and some beers, chatting at the local brewery.
Then we headed back to my place to play Smash Bros co-op, and share our (also very different) favorite songs on youtube. We also re-watched
The Reward, which really sums up our relationship I think.
I almost feel like crying, a little. Yeah. I'm just so happy and relieved. I was so anxious...
I haven't had to let anyone into my apartment for probably 4 months. It was getting to a ridiculous state.
While not premeditated, I think it's safe to say my excessive drunkness on Wednesday (I think?) was thanks to anxiety about this. And that was before I knew my eagle-nose mom would be stopping in.
I'm pretty sure he accidentally saw a super embarrassing message when checking the time in Steam's overlay. Stupid dumb me, should have thought to go offline and clear that... But he played it off like he didn't notice. Maybe he didn't, I just can never tell with him.
But even if he saw it, I am thankful that he's accepting and supportive of my choices. Encouraging, even. Everyone has their flaws, but I'm lucky to have him as a brother.
A long time ago I decided to just keep living out of spite and inertia. But sometimes I get, by surprise, scraps of hope. This is one of those times.