Yesterday I was at the campus the entire day so in-between classes I went into the Library to study (and read Fate/Zero) and no less than three people I knew sorta spotted me lounging and tried to interact with me and one even sat down next to me like I was their friend or something, heh. It was pretty funny and I was forced to 'let out' some of my interests and it made me laugh for some reason. Then today in the morning before going to my class, right when I entered the building, I run into yet another person I know. I'm timid and self-conscious so I wave nervously usually and I might say "hi" in a hopefully captivating manner.
Like, even when I left to go home today my step-Dad was all like, "You're the best son ever. I don't have to do anything for you and stuff." I'm not sure if this is encouraging but he was definitely saying this sincerely. I call him my step-Dad but he's not even really a step-Dad, if anything I'm not even related to him at all. Same for the Grandmother I live with, since it's his Mother. In fact my only connection with this family is my Brother since that's his real Father. He's a typical trucker/country guy (in New England, yes) but I like hard-working, honest people and he's a hard-working, honest person so...
I wish my Mother was like that. My Mother seems wicked sometimes. I'm being mean here but I wish she would be nicer even if she thinks she's doing everything right. I know she helps me sometimes but she absolutely detests people and hates the world so it's hard to interact with her normally. :\
Well anyway, speaking of College. I like to think of myself as like, the most perfect special student right?! Well in fact I feel like I'm kind of locking myself up here. I'm not honest with people around me either. I have a total aloof front I always pull and I know that sounds lame as hell and it is. You know, straight back, stern stare, collared plaid shirt, serious expression, tight mouth, glasses, clean face, cut hair, wrist watch...I wonder what other people think of me but obviously that would be something "Kevin" would do because I'm a totally serious character right. I've been actually wondering if somehow I accidentally slipped my profile name out to somebody I knew and they went online to see what I've been up to do only to see this. That thought scares me. I have a username, but then again I feel like I'm anonymous even with all this information that can lead to me. Heck I've even posted pictures of myself, that would drive some people mad. Personally I don't care because there's no reason to stress out over having your photo on the gog damn internet.
In actuality I think if I were to somehow leak my identity to people I know in the real world then it might actually help me more than hurt me in the long run. I would no longer have to stick to topics about them or whatever the case may be. I'd be able to express what I passionately enjoy even if it created odd stares and destroyed my image...although then again they probably wouldn't care but at least I'd feel relieved that they know who I am for reals. The main problem is the initial shock factor. When you hide this stuff from people you've talked with for years (that being, over High School :P) I can imagine it being a big shock. I mean maybe the people I know have secret interests of their own? Or just secrets in general! That's probably true but I have a hard time picturing it because I can tell when they're speaking to me that they have nothing to hide and I'm really speaking to them. Maybe I really am suppose to be this. Same goes for family and stuff too. I'm just the perfect child right?
I don't know if this post belongs in the Happy or Sad thread but it should go somewhere. I think it's less entertaining than my last informative post (I was a little tired making that) but at least it's more on-topic in general? I don't know. What I do know is that I'm pretty content right now I guess. I'm just doing stuff normally and classes have been fine. Had two quizzes in Chemistry today and feel very confident in both of them. My only main roadblock right now the again, lingering feelings of loneliness. Hehehehehe I'm so close to happiness I can feel it if I let go for a moment. Although if I let get it'll be too late...
I admit, I would kind of like being strange sometimes but then again it would way too embarrassing for my current "real" self to attempt. I'll have very strange thoughts sometimes like right now but I don't even want to share this with strangers. I would imagine most people don't have these thoughts but then again am I just trying to push myself away from people again? I'm not very sociable usually. I won't speak unless I have to. Even when I'm comfortable I definitely type more than I speak. It bothers me but then again I like doing this so why should I have to change. I'm not harming anybody and I will speak up if something wrong happens but otherwise whatever. It's no fun.
I don't know, I'm done. After classes tomorrow I will most likely be camping out with my Dad again...probably in the rain. We better get some chickens to sacrifice or something. There's chickens everywhere.
EDIT:
Oh that reminds me. I napped this afternoon away and had the strangest dream. My Dad and I killed my Dad by accident and my Dad forced me to hide the body with him. Yes my Dad killed himself and was trying to hide himself.
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Topic: [MILK] There were 12 eggs here what did you do with them? (Happy thread?!) (Read 16175849 times)