Resident Evil: Afterlife.
The movie started with 100 cloned psionic ninja ballerinas, storming Umbrella Corp's "super-high-tech" Japanese Underground Zombie Lab, where Big Bad Evil Guy was perfecting a strain of biological weapon for... actually I'm not sure if they had a motivation anymore. Every country had disintegrated, zombies had overrun the world, and there was no economy to speak of, yet they were still perfecting biological weapons for use on nobody, with no military left to sell it to, and for no money. In fact, why were his hundreds of minions even working for the Corporation? Were they that afraid that survivors might start up a rival Biological Weapons company and steal the market from under them?
Anyway, the Big Bad Evil Guy shoots some of his minions, some of the last surviving humans on the planet, unprovoked to prove how much of a cold and calculating badass he is, and the heroine and her magic clone army striving to save the human race goes around killing them as well (and later wonders why she can't find any survivors. Gee, Ms. Stabhappy, I wonder). Evil Guy flies away out of the underground facility on his emergency helicopter ("They laughed when I told them we needed a Helicopter underground... oh how they laughed!"), and nukes the base and all its occupants with a secret Ultima Bomb. The Heroine's Alpha Clone, however, stowed away on the escape copter (she must be prescient too), and attacks Big Bad. He apparently came expecting her as well (he's also prescient), and steals her psionic ninja superpowers with one of the many viruses he's perfected (no doubt for use on protagonists), and then proceeds to forget he was flying the copter and crashes into a mountain at 100 miles per hour. Though both of them weren't strapped into anything, she makes it out with a few scrapes, while the plane was literally reduced to a burning streak of charred metal.
And that's just the first 10 minutes. There were wet T-Shirt fight scenes with Hulking Superzombies, armed with specially made Meat-Tenderizer Axes (In this post-apocalyptic world, who makes equipment for the zombies I wonder?), Zombies that can apparently bore through solid bedrock with their hands, slam dunks by Token Black Characters, and more. So much more.
It was a Masturpeace of Sinema.
To be fair, the movie makes more sense once one reads Umbrella Corps Charter; here are some exerts:
“…
Provisions:
…
2) a. The pursuit of both profits and sensible reasoning must be abandoned when Umbrella is faced with a main character; a main character should, at all times, be considered the single greatest adversary to the company, as it endangers Umbrella’s line of “Main Character in a Can”™. All resources must be brought to bear on main characters; even the company can be sacrificed in order to stop the main character, for the good of the company.
b. The study of support cast also overrules normal profit motive. By capturing, and studying, support cast Umbrella hopes to gain total control of the support cast market. In mastering this market Umbrella will unlock the secrets of plot death, thus ensuring that support villains, (ie, Umbrella CEO, Researchers , and Steven in Accounting), can have the longest possible life spans which will dramatically increase the success rate of bosses (see article “employee rights and benefits”, 4 a. on the individuality clauses and ability to form a unique persona, within company guidelines, to form a greater challenge to main characters).
c. Support characters should, as often as possible, be used in experimentation in hopes of providing support cast/villains that’ll have a greater effect on main characters.
…
Protocol:…
…
G) In Case of Self Inflicted Zombie Apocalypse:
1) a. Nothing in our business model changes. b. Maintain and stress corporate identity as much as possible to push out potential competitors. c. Capture/Kill as indiscriminately as possible to ensure no one might start a new company, that could potentially compete within the Self Inflicted Zombie Apocalypse scenario.
2) a. Provisions, article 29(a-c), are more important than ever and should be enforced at all times with thermo-nuclear weaponry. If the CEO does not use as much Thermo-Nuclear technology as is humanly possible, even under the thinnest of guises, he/she is to be removed immediately. b. Support character harvesting will become as important as ever, implement various devious ploys (see article “Arcadia”). c. Frivolous expenditures are the only known way to left economic stress of this magnitude; authorization for wish list funds ‘All-Terrain Boat-o-copter’, ‘Underground Helicopter Sight Seeing’, ‘Secret Clone Labs Gone Wild’, ‘Tank-Truck-Tugboat-Truckboat copter’ are granted, provided that every soldier is paid his/her salary 40 years in advance as well (thus ensuring loyality). G.. Arm Zombies as HeaVerly and oftan ad possible; not lame crap either you gusy.*
3) a. Douchery Protocol: CEO eyes only: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx execute for minor xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx wear black, despite comfort xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx stupidly expensive glasses xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx tank truck tugboat truckboat copter replaces hummer b. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Desert Eagles mandatory; bling optional. Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx.
4) a. Cloning main character is a must, while with holding the vaccine to defeat them as long as possible. This will ensure that both the main character will become overly confident and to lull the average company man into a false sense of ineptitude, to keep those high on the ladder from trying to start their own company. This will buy Umbrella valuable plot research time, allowing Umbrella to use this advantage at the most plot likely point. b. Keep up recruiting efforts word wide; massive media blitzes will become infinitely cheaper, thus investing in infrastructure to reach places previously out of contact and to fully furnishing homes previously without televisions, will become a must to meet article Protocol Article 3 (c.); this will also contribute to the further study of support characters, the importance of which paramount to opposing main characters.
H) Operation Last Dig Dog Arcade Game in the World:
1 Top Priority:
..."
*= appears to be scrawled into the margins in crayon 
Author
Topic: [MILK] There were 12 eggs here what did you do with them? (Happy thread?!) (Read 16254037 times)