Bastard. You're out having pool parties and Nerf shootouts with nearly naked chicks while I'm pining over how cool Total War is.
Playing the Venice campaign, 28 turns in (I swear that's supposed to translate to half-years, but apparently the royal family lives in crazy 5:1 Groundhog Day time). Doge Dominico, 61 years old and the paragon of all Machiavelli's worst virtues, led an army to battle for the final time before dieing in his sleep. At his sides were every male heir to the empire west of the Ionian Sea. His three fighting age grandsons: Antonio the Prince, his only competent offspring left alive; Benasuto the Rathful and Gerardo the Brutish, sons of the elder Bartelomeo who died when they were toddlers; and their two adopted brothers in arms, Tomaso de Concordia and Carmelengo the Prelate, the only surviving bodyguards of Antonio's father Cristiano at the epic Battle of Tunis.
Yes, I managed to arrange a battle with six generals - the quiet Prince Antonio, his two valiant friends and two vicious cousins, all in their early 20s, led by their inhumanly frightening grandfather; riding at the head of three combined armies to finally slay the hated Count Bernardo and the Milanese once and for all, so the great Doge could finally die in peace. I can just picture them singing Dragonforce lyrics as they ride into the fray.
Thankfully, the heirship of the empire passed from Cristiano to his son, instead of his worthless younger brother Alessandro the Faggot. Or Alessandro the Crusader as he's now known, after an aimless career that eventually led to the conquest of Jerusalem, by shear dink of luck and blood. And then there's the diligent if uninteresting adopted General Saraceno, finally rescued from obscurity to stave off the entire Balkan Peninsula by himself.
Milan is finally under my heel, but now the Pope is pissed at me again, and demands I not attack the Holy Roman Empire. Who prepare to besiege Venice itself, the inevitable conclusion of an unholy alliance building since day one. The Milanese allied with the Imperials, who allied with the Hungarians, who allied with the Byzantines, and then they all allied with each other. And declared war on me, a Sword of Damocles hanging over my whole Mediterranean empire waiting for any sign of weakness. And of course I not so accidentally wound up at war with the Sicilians and Egyptians, but they hate the Eastern Alliance too. My efforts to build a competing Western Alliance with France, Denmark, Spain, and the Moors (who somehow set aside their differences and already allied) have proven frustrating. Only France has signed on, and true to form have done fuck all since.
So I'm under siege by an empire I can't make war with without being excommunicated outright, my eastern holdings are already being crushed between the Hungarian hammer and Byzantine anvil, a disloyal fruitcake is pissing everyone off building a new kingdom in the Holy Land, I'm fighting a three front naval war against everyone with a navy, and the autocratic mastermind holding this rambling fiefdom together finally croaked. I see dark days ahead for Venice.
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Topic: [MILK] There were 12 eggs here what did you do with them? (Happy thread?!) (Read 15863537 times)