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[Rashilul]

I have that problem. I was playing the Company of Heroes demo and I was playing more defensive and trying to avoid conflict as much as possible. This play style was brutally knocked out of me when I had literally one minute to capture a point or lose all my tickets and lose the game and those BASTARDS had the terror doctrine and could make anyone remotely near the point run back to base and after that I felt totally justified in actively wiping out all units on the map before I destroy their last building.

Fun times, actually.

Oh god, Company of Heroes. I suck so much, yet it's so awesome.

I have to go play it.

[Itnetlolor]

I guess the Delta Force games I actually feel bad if I lose any soldiers in my element (Charlie unit, I figure, would hate me. I lost so many in that group because I didn't down a chopper in time, or I wasn't able to cover them; or I accidentally mistake them for enemy and headshot them.); and if there is an opportunity in the mission that all the troops in the mission area give up their weapons and surrender; I would let them live.

[Jackrabbit]

Oh, yeah, I restart from a checkpoint whenever I kill my own soldiers in MW2.

Funny thing though, this private ran into my line of fire and got himself killed three times. In a row. I just gave up and didn't bother reloading after that.

[sonerohi]

When I play Mount & Blade, I use a sweet as hell mod I found, which makes me happy. It tracks village and town population and adds a lot more buildings and features all around. It is super beneficial to use a mace and capture hundreds of prisoners so that you can have armed guards force them to work at facilities in town. Right now I have Veluca, with a couple hundred guys focusing on food and high-end goods production, three villages which make me lots of raw materials for Veluca and food to feed my castle, which has a big garrison in order to manage all the prisoners that work the mines and the steel works and the masonaries.

[Gunner-Chan]

Nothing.

Today has honestly been a terrible day for me. I don't like telling people I've been lying to them about how I really feel and I don't like making people worry about me.

I'm too involved in this community for my own good, I latch onto people to strongly for me to ever behave normally here. All I see is people I know I can't have and ill never meet and it hurts me. And really I don't want to meat anyone because Ill just do something stupid. My friends and family are concerned about me because I can't ditch these ridiculous feelings and it's just making life harder for me.

The worst part of this is that I don't know if I've helped or hurt the person I care most about in this community, Workerdrone. And before anyone ask what I mean by that it IS as bad or worse than you think. I've had a nearly stalker like crush on him since I joined here, I made efforts to get him involved in forum games I was doing just so I could have an excuse to talk to him, I talked with him over stuff in PMs just so I could get responses from him, every time I didn't get a response felt like a stab in my chest. If he was angry or sad I was worse off, and when he was even worse than that I was suicidal.

And then he got a girlfriend and for the first time in my life I felt jealousy. I started resenting talking with him, I lied about being happy for him, I lied about not wanting to cause trouble there, I told him about it only then in the hopes it would do something, I was stupid. I tried to hurt my best friend here and I feel like shit about it every day.

And then by chance I got to talk with her, and she was so nice I felt like shit even more. Halfway because I had previously wanted to HURT the poor girl, halfway because I still wanted to. An then she kept hijacking him on steam and I wanted to scream at her for taking Matt off but I held it back. I am a piece of shit for all of this, they both deserve a better friend than me.

Then he got hurt, and I was miserable till he got out. I lied to all of you and my closest friends that I was able to enjoy Christmas. I didn't. There wasn't a moment I wasn't torn up about the whole thing, I'd sneak off to the bathroom when no one was looking to cry and let it out. I wasn't happy till newyears, when he got let out and went home.

And now I don't know if I'm helping or hurting and I just wanna kill myself all over again. I'm sorry I'm such a bad person, I'm sorry I have to be like this. I'm sorry I even ever joined. No one should ever get this emotionally involved in a situation they have no chance in when really, they don't need to... All of this and... Some moments... I wanted to abandon Milly just to go see him.

The fact that I ever thought that hurts me so much. I don't deserve life or such good friends.

I don't know what to do. I might just leave, all I can do is cause people pain because I'm a selfish needy bitch that only cares for herself. I just don't know.

I'm going to think on it. If I don't come back goodbye, ill still be thinking of you all if I stay away. And ill still love you all.

This is definitely not happy, but fuck it, it's my topic and Ill do what I fucking please in it.

[Jackrabbit]

I think you're missing a few key things you yourself said, Janet.

You wanted to cause trouble for him because he got a girlfriend. You wanted to hurt her, you wanted to attack her verbally every time you talked to her. You didn't. That's the important thing, you didn't. You held back, you kept yourself in control and you didn't harm your friend. You were worried about him, and that's an absolutely normal thing to be, even at the level you experienced it. You're a good person Janet and everything I've seen you do tells me you care deeply about your friends and family, no matter how much you try to tell yourself you're not and you don't. Deeds speak louder than words here. You can tell yourself you're a selfish bitch all you want, but you'll always end up proving yourself wrong.

[ToonyMan]

Don't feel bad.  Everyone here cares for your well being.

[WorkerDrone]

I might as fucking well come out and say a year ago I would have been completely unaffected by that tangent because I in no way believed that any of what Janet said could possibly be true. That there was no way she could really feel all of that and expect a torrent of hatred to come back at her. That she was "a horrible person" and so on.

I fucking respect you Janet.

Hear this. Now hear this.

I wouldn't have my job if you hadn't gotten me out of that slump I told you about. I wouldn't be in contact with any of my old friends again. I wouldn't have regained my amiable friendship with my father and even my sister if you hadn't inspired me with the past year of camaraderie, affection, and apparently true blue love. Because I met the "pervy girl from the forum".

Everyone liked her sure, but the majority of the like was the fact she didn't really care whether or not we were pleased or displeased with all of the antics gotten into. Or not. She was just there to be a friend. How many of you are friends with her? How many of you can say you had a real group of friends on the internet that you had never met in person once in your life?

I don't know Jackrabbit. Or Aqizzar. Or NewerMars. Or Cthulhu. Or even ToonyMan. I know even less of ToonyMan.

But I know Janet more than any of you people. And I admire her fucking more than anyone on this god damned earth, and fire and ice couldn't turn my opinion of her more than you could.

So yes.

God fucking damn it yes I'd even say that every last good thing that happened this year, and how I built my life from aimless employment and what would have been a very lonely self loathing life I owe to her from turning down and stepping up to more than a few of my own problems.

Fuck yes I said yes. I love Janet because she is an inspiration to turning you life around and stop being such a pussy because there are so many people with problems greater than yours, hell yes I love her because she will always struggle with life in way I can't compare but yet relate to, and yes you can go fuck your self if you don't like it.

None of you will understand this post completely, other than maybe Duke, but even less so than Janet will. But if you share that mutual affection for her then fucking speak out now.

This is the internet, and I say fuck you stereotypical typification.

I can live this life however I want to. That's my opinion and that's what I'm sticking to.

[TheNewerMartianEmperor]

Janet.

For all the things you say, for all the horrible things that you may think about yourself, you're not a bad person. You do good and make people feel better, despite all the things you may say about yourself, you make the world a better place, I've seen what you do and know what you think and you don't just care about yourself, even what you say below it's obvious how much you care about the others around you. Janet, you deserve everything you have, no matter how much you may say to the contrary.

[Hawkfrost]

Hell, I barely know her and even so I respect her and consider her a great person.

[Jackrabbit]

I'm proud to call you my friend and if anything wants to change that I swear to God I'll gouge its eyeballs out there'll be hell to pay. But probably not murder.

[Leafsnail]

Ugh, this is the thing I hate about myself most.  Complete and utter ineptitude when things get emotionally serious.  Most of the time I just fall silent when someone I know gets angry or upset, which makes me feel useless.

But I'll try to say something now.  Janet - everyone here does care about you.  You've always brought something great to the community, and we'd be sad to see you go.  I don't get the impression of you being selfish or needy at all - I wasn't joking with that comment all those pages ago about you being a good person.

[Gunner-Chan]

Well... I guess if Workerdrone really thinks I helped then I really can't be that bad...

Really, I was just so depressed that you kinda gave me my life back and I thought I did nothing in return. But I guess if that's how you really feel about it then I was wrong.

I guess Ill be staying then. If I was really that helpful I have no right to leave.

But in my current state, and I don't think this is gonna go away I really can't hold any of my feelings back. I finally cracked and have already said some surprising things to people. So I apologize in advance if I do anything stupid.

[Aqizzar]

I feel bad now that the responses I can think of are snarks about the meaninglessness of interpersonal relationships on the Internet.  But I don't really believe that.  I can't fathom how this little game forum collected such rambling human driftwood, but I can honestly say I'm glad it did.  Just because you've never seen someone in person doesn't make that any less personal contact.

I have to say that I get a little jealous sometimes hearing about the hilarious or moving conversations the rest of you have with each other.  Like I'm on the outside of this great party looking in, like I'm missing something.  Maybe I should get on Steam chat or something.  But I am glad to know you guys, that means you too Janet.

The hardest problems in life to deal with are the mundane, because it's hard to work up the effort to care about the little things, at least for me.  Knowing you people find ways to deal with the myriad normal problems in your day to day lives reminds me I can too, more than hearing about Haiti or whatever could, just because I can relate more.  Take heart folks.

[Duke 2.0]

 Well, this is an awkward situation.

 But yeah, we feel no hate for you. You cared enough about us that you would go through all these horrible feelings yet keep us oblivious to it. You didn't want us to worry about it. Sure you could reason you just didn't want us to hate you, but ultimately you suffered for our sake. Goddam, how could we not somewhat respect that in a somewhat sad way? I wish I could care for others as you have cared for us.

 I do love you guys like brothers and sisters. After moving a few years ago I had nobody but my siblings who were not home most of the time. Homeschooled, nobody at church I could relate with, a neighborhood consisting of old people, I really had nobody. And likely if there were people I was in such a horribly antisocial state that I would probably not even make friends. Only because of the chill people here that College was bearable.