I'm having a little bit of a hard time processing the whole thing, although that might have something to do with it not really being "done" just yet.
So, the father is a friend of mine... And many years ago, he was together with a gal back in the UK. They had a kid together, and somehow managed to stick things out for a few years despite the mum being a bit awful. Then finally they split up, but since they weren't officially married when the child was born, he had no legal rights to custody. He tried fighting the courts for over a year, but no go. The last time he got to see her was when she was five. Beyond that, the mom blocked all contact.
Fast forward to 2019, and I ran into him at the bar. He was having a bit of a hard day, as he'd just realized it was his daughter's 18th birthday. She was an adult, and he'd never gotten to be a dad for her. To make matters more "real", a friend of ours had managed to dig up her Facebook profile, so he even had an adult face to go with the realization. ...it was a rough night for him.
And, for whatever reason, I couldn't really let the thing go. I looked her up myself (I was a bit inebriated at the time and didn't remember how her name was spelled, so I had to spend some time piecing it together again... Way to go, Drunk Tracy), and then spent a year or so wrestling with myself on whether or not I should do anything.
I knew that he almost certainly wasn't going to reach out to her... He didn't want to cause trouble for her with her mom, and for all he knew she felt that he'd abandoned her and would want nothing to do with him. That was a rejection he wouldn't have been able to take. Similarly, I felt like I couldn't ask him if he wanted help, because requesting his go-ahead would basically just put him in the same position conscience-wise.
Eventually, earlier this year, I took the plunge. I went behind his back and reached out to her. We talked for a while about the whole situation (which, coming from a complete rando on Facebook, must've been very weird for her), and she ended up expressing almost exactly the same misgivings that her dad was having. She was worried that he really didn't want anything to do with her, was afraid that if she did reach out to him that she'd get ignored or turned down, and that she didn't feel like she could handle that reality.
We got to the point where she said that she'd consider sending him a message. Which was all I could've asked of her, and more... ...but months passed, and I hadn't heard anything from either. It was apparently just a bit too daunting with only my reassurances that she'd be welcomed.
Last night, I eventually got to the point of opening up to him and explaining the whole thing. I knew I was risking our friendship, but I had to make sure that if there was a chance of making things right, that I would do whatever was required. I figured he'd probably be furious with me for going around him like that. And, heck, maybe there's a part of him that is... At the time though, he was mainly just overwhelmed by the window of opportunity to actually get in touch with his daughter, after he'd more or less given up hope of that ever happening. I showed him the transcripts of the conversation, that she really did want to talk to him, but that she was scared he wouldn't accept her.
He's going to send her a message today.