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[Great Order]

Goddamn, I need lockdown to end. My brain's entering a sort of weird downwards spiral, just not back to depression. I don't know where it's going, but I feel like shit and I can't sleep.

I don't even feel lonely as such, I just feel like I really need to talk to people. The shit feeling isn't even the usual shitty feeling, it's like it's some kind of general passive shitness.

Well, managed to put that in the wrong thread.

Sleep deprivation for the win! At least I got a solid night's day's sleep. And at least I've not got anything to be up for so I'm able to ride this out.

[methylatedspirit]

I managed to not have my brain implode in on itself last night. I was beating myself up about some mistake I made, and then I beat myself up over the beating-up, then the metacognition hit and deescalated the whole situation. I'm still trying to digest what I thought into actionable directives to pass on to the rest of the brain, but I think the crux of it went something like "Be nice to yourself. Be blunt as you need to be, but no more. Anger and violence are not the solution."

God... there's so many parts of my mind just dedicated to beating itself up over mistakes. Whether or not they were my mistakes is irrelevant; the fact is, it is habitually excessive in how harsh, merciless and unkind it is towards mistakes that could be at least vaguely blamed on me. There has to be a better way. I don't think it's through more violence, that's for sure.

[NJW2000]

I hope this wasn't literal beating.

If it was, I'd recommend a punching bag. It's worked wonders for someone I know who punched walls.

[methylatedspirit]

I know self-harm is a Very Serious Thing, but I'm just imagining the most literal interpretation of "literal beating". Just punching yourself over and over, yelling "take that, me!" and "I hate you, me!". I think that's funny.

But no, it's not a literal beating. I can chew myself out for this and that in my head like a drill sergeant, but physical violence? Hell no.

[Uthimienure]

Have you seen the Jim Carrey movie "Liar Liar"?  It has a scene of him beating himself up physically.
No offence intended here.  I routinely beat myself up mentally just like you do.  Perhaps the movie scene can bring some comedy and help in some way to prevent it for you.  I suggest this because levity is truly an important part of life and can do wonders for our attitudes.  I found the movie to be one of his best.

[varnish]

I have really bad insomnia but last night I slept! I slept for a full seven hours. It's amazing.

Also I haven't really been on these forums for a while, so it's nice to be back.

[Vector]

I had a lot of fun with this. Maybe you too?

[scriver]

I made myself, but you have to imagine each feature as being more unflatteringly nerdy and ugly because it didn't allow for that.

[Eric Blank]

That's really good, actually. You're clearly a human. Not at all like the warty goblin I would draw if I tried to draw someone

You should draw puppies.

[scriver]

No, no, it was made by the program V linked, but hey, thanks anyway

[Eric Blank]

OH, I didn't even see that last couple pages. Oops

anyway I want to pet all the service doggies but they are such busy doggies they have so many jobs but I love them

[TD1]

That's as close to me as I could get. Not a hugely good likeness though.

[bloop_bleep]

I can get what you mean, methylatedspirit. With my OCD I often start going over every little thing that I don't like again and again until I get some sort of "closure." Which is annoying because it puts me in a frustrated state until I get that closure.

[nenjin]

Finally put my foot down, said I deserved a raise and if they were going to put me in charge of all the things and dub me king of my department, that I wanted the crown that comes along with that.

Seemed to have been heard and received.

Only took me 8 years to have this conversation but I'll take it. Hopefully they actually give me that raise.

[Caz]

hmm, doesn't look depressed enough, and my hair is never that tidy :@ fun time waste tho.