Bilbo gets emailed by Gandalf saying he should host a LAN party for a couple of friends. Bilbo isn't really into online gaming but Gandalf is a bro so he gives it a shot. Suddenly a bunch of Gandalf's friends show up in the middle of watching Game of Thrones, and fuck his apartment up; they eat all of his doritos, drink all his dew, clog his toilet etc. It's fucking horrible. But the point is, Gandalf wanted everyone together to propose his idea: They're going to get a metric fuckton of bitcoin by hijacking the server farm that Thorin and his pals made as a startup but got bought out by this guy who runs this huge distributed computing firm for hire called ARKENSTONE, protected by SMAUG, his epic concoction of homebrew firewall code. Turns out, SMAUG can be disabled but you have to actually be there in person to do it, and that's why they want Bilbo: He's the only one who doesn't have a fucking criminal record. Thorin wrote ARKENSTONE, he should be entitled to all the bitcoins that it farms.
So off they go. Inside the building, they take an elevator down to the basement to avoid security, and get trapped by the basement-dwelling programmers employed there. They have to slay their Manager to escape, but when they do, they're separated, as Bilbo runs into the vents everyone else is too fat to fit into. Gandalf's guys manage to blind the programmers by turning on the lights and they escape. Bilbo falls out of the vent into Mr. Gollum's office, a fucking gross and messy shitty room full of greasy paper, mcdonalds bags, crumpled fapwads and lotion. Amongst the litter he finds The One Card on a little lanyard. When he puts the lanyard around his neck, everyone instantly thinks he's just another office peon and he escapes Mr. Gollum's office. (This is where Gollum was employed before he got the MORDOR job)
Bilbo takes a wrong turn and ends up in the big huge server room, a maze of giant freestanding computers, with massive tangles of golden wires everywhere. There seems to be a really massive heat coming from the back, probably due to mismanaged cooling, and he figures there must be an admin console somewhere. But what he finds is this gigantic fat redheaded motherfucker, asleep at his computer. He realizes after seeing his nametag (and the gross furry art of some dragon with boobs on his screen, wtf?) that SMAUG isn't a firewall, he's an sysadmin!! Bilbo tries to escape but he wakes the behemoth, who, in his rage, spills his hot caramel macchiato all over himself, and runs after Bilbo, tripping on wires. He yells about how his fucking shitty employees dropped the ball and must've let him into his precious server room, his solace. "Chill out, dude! I just wanted to come and see if you were here! I ..I wanted to get you another coffee!" "Really?" Smaug stops. "NO, YOU FAT FUCK! THEY TOLD ME YOU WERE A LARDASS, DAMN! BYE!" and Bilbo runs, Smaug waddling after him. He manages to grab the piece of paper that Smaug wrote the login info for ARKENSTONE on, and runs out, Smaug unable to catch him.
Outside, the employees marvel at the fact that someone finally humiliated Smaug, but demand that he get the servers back up- all the wires were pulled out and now they're in deep shit. Bilbo tells Thorin he stashed the password, and Thorin goes "yeah this stupid fuck unplugged your wires! GET HIS ASS!" and Bilbo feels betrayed. Gandalf tells Bilbo the fire department is on their way due to the burning down of the server room, and they bail. Thorin is caught and arrested, charged with sabotaging the server room, and Smaug apparently fell, and drove a huge dowel of cable wire right up his ass and perished.
Bilbo comes to Thorin in jail and says he'll give him the passwords if he prevents a massive uprising of displaced and jobless nerds from all the places that the server farm was client to. Thorin forgives Bilbo, but is sentenced and won't be leaving jail any time soon. Gandalf and Bilbo leave, knowing they can do nothing, and that it was greed and lust for bitcoin that felled everyone in the end. However, Bilbo still knows how to login to ARKENSTONE, and eventually transfers enough bitcoin to himself to buy a sweet new sicked-up gaming rig. The end.
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Topic: [MILK] There were 12 eggs here what did you do with them? (Happy thread?!) (Read 16265574 times)