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[Dunamisdeos]

Spock II: The Pictureday Spock IIIII: Trek III: Trek II: Trek: The New Voyaga

A commentary on Hollywood's overreliance on sequels?

I liked how Voyager was spelled with a Boston accent.

[Loam]

Excerpts from the lost Star Trek: The Original Series episode "Half a Maneuver":

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

KIRK: What is it? Where's Doctor McCoy.
SCOTT: (opening box with angry animal in it) I'll grab him.

MCCOY: Well, Mister Sulu. Look, there's an impostor may be identified by scratches on his face. He bows politely and carries away by men, there are heat beams of some kind coming up from the planet's surface, temperature's starting to drop, our landing party is wheeled away) Severe exposure and frostbite, but I think we'd better do something, Captain.

RAND: Captain. Don't you give me your phasers are gone. I checked.

KIRK: Our good doctor's been putting him back. He's like an animal, and yet it's me. Me.
MCCOY: You speak very strangely, friend. Are you armed?
KIRK: Don't hurt me. You can't. Don't you give me the brandy!

KIRK: Do they tie in?
SPOCK: Correct. This creature may or may not attack on sight. However, you must re-establish communicator beeps)
KIRK: Kirk here.
SCOTT [OC]: He's peaceful enough to destroy us all.

(They hurry slowly, smiling and blinking, blinking, blinking, blinking and flashing.)

SPOCK: Captain!
KIRK: Just a minute! (forces her onto the floor

KIRK: What do you make of all this. Mister Sulu has returned, but in a highly intelligent, extremely active corrosive.

KIRK: We'll handle Landru, Just get us out of this.
(They undress the buttons on their robes.)
KIRK: Isn't that somewhat old-fashioned? Robes.
(They undress the buttons on their robes.)

From "Sins of Evil":

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Captain's log, stardate 1672.1. Specimen-gathering mission of peace and harmony.

PALMER: Mister Spock. You've never voiced it, but you've always thought of abandoning your crew.

SPOCK: I am a logical to me.

SULU: We can't break loose!
SPOCK; We need more power.
SCOTT: I don't understand about all of this.

GAETANO: At least five hundred percent undependable.
KIRK: Try to raise it, Lieutenant.

SPOCK: Affirmative. I confess I am somewhat at a loss for words. It may be the last report. I want to ask you.
MCCOY: Jim, give him a minute. He's in a state of mind. How does your well-known logic explain that?
SPOCK: Unknown, Captain.

MCCOY: This whole thing might blow!
(He bustles her out into space)

Don't let him get the nebula effect, whatever it was, Captain?

KIRK: I'll have a sense of utter futility and great loss.
(McCoy gives him a tissue for his vehicle so he can escape for the heavens.)

KIRK: That'll wrap it up. Lay in a course for their deaths. Well, I wouldn't recommend this place as a summer resort.
SPOCK: A very quaint idea, Mister Gaetano's body draped over a rock.

But I think it's great. Scotty has an idea.
SCOTT: Doctor, you are relieved of command.

SPOCK: Lieutenant kissed a Starship Captain, myself, undoubtedly a dangerously clever opponent had the opportunity to grapple with the records officer.

KIRK: Kirk to Enterprise. Kirk struggles to break through that statement?
SPOCK: Negative against ingenuity against a rock) He knows, Doctor.
(Dimmed lights and swirly viewscreen)
UHURA: Captain, a bit more alacrity, if you please.

And from "A Private!":

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

[Ruins]
KIRK: Go on. I'm warping out of time.
SPOCK: We're a most promising specification of anything that I do not know, Captain.

 I am a woman. I am a woman. I am almost exhausted. Unless I'm mistaken, Captain?
KIRK: At the risk of sounding like a mystic, that depends on the surface of an asteroid, facing the Captain.

KIRK: (nuzzling her neck and face.)
KIRK: What now? You wave your computer log. We were assigned to a starship. A hundred parsecs of space, and the smoke of a few fires

SPOCK: Mapping expeditions have characteristics just as inanimate objects do. It is impossible that Lieutenant Finney really was. I loved the service record of this. Mister Sulu, Scott and Sulu has a grin on his chair panel.

KIRK: That's very commendable, Miss Finney, report to me in the close up on the Captain.

KIRK: Is it on the right to ask for love and return pain instead.
SYLVIA: You will be provided with a phaser into Kirk's back

 You're a Metron?
METRON: Very good, Captain.
KIRK: I know something.
(And promptly gets hit by a beam and vanishes.

[Planet surface]
(Kirk is not in his usual gold shirt) I'll get by

[Ruins]
KIRK: Do you consent to the Captain.

KIRK: You can be helped. But if you killed him, you murderer! You murderer! You murderer! You murderer! You murderer! You murderer!

MCCOY: Careful, careful. Shock, radiation burns, internal injuries for certain. He's in a bad way, Captain.
KIRK: Faked.

(Travestified transcriptions of TOS episodes. The episode titles are travesties as well.)

[ZM5]

KIRK: What is it? Where's Doctor McCoy.
SCOTT: (opening box with angry animal in it) I'll grab him.

Dying,

SCOTT [OC]: He's peaceful enough to destroy us all.

dying,

KIRK: You can be helped. But if you killed him, you murderer! You murderer! You murderer! You murderer! You murderer! You murderer!

dead.

Anyway, a few lost poems from some modern-day Shakespeares. This is Cannibal Corpse's "Rancid Amputated Neck".

Torsos hang from head to clot
Ripping through bone
Nerves are quivering to drink
Feel my mouth
I look at your pus develop
My muscles injected
Slit from head to drink
Vessels explode as I feed on fright
I will swallow your spine, smashing through their own intestines
Raped by some veins
I will swallow your own rectal slice through the rush
I slice through the blade of my mouth
Dying through bone
Suffering in my hell, I feel my hell, I feed of life on frighten as I rip
Feel the limbless cadaver

Devourment - Abominate Floor.

Ravaged and butchered, lifeless and murdered, torn limb from limb
Hunger take my fall before the lifeless and cold
Thirsty beast stands before the bloodthirsty beast act of
Mine, I'll choke on my cock as I stab

Gallons of blood, spilling, cold
Now I will take my
Life, the agony
Dead, I will spray, spilled to pieces

The suffering the floor
Dead, I will chop off the dead
To fornicate the flesh is hacked the death
Dead, I will spray til I'm no more
Torture me
Gallons of me
I write into nothing
Dead, I will spray til I feel release
The suffering murdered, soon the bloodbath ensues are ravaged and cold
Now I will carve my cock as I stand before the floor
A murdered, spilling, cold
Now I will choke on my face into nothing dormant
Dead, I will spray, spilled on my own death

Mastodon - Blood & Crack.

Split your backs and crack you see the fight in the sky
Aim directly for this fish to the sun

White whale
Break your lungs with blood & Thunder

I think that propels me
I am commands me
Harpoons thrust in the eye

What remorseless emperor commands me
The fight for his ivory leg is what someone is trying to kill me
The fight to the sun

White white white white what someone is whale - holy grail

This ivory leg is trying my mind
No man of the eye

Blood and crack your lungs with blood and destroying my soul
I am completely immersed in the what someone is a fight to prevail

This ivory leg is whale
Break your backs and crack your backs and destroying my body away from the death
I no longer govern my blood and thunder

If you wish to kill me
Aim directly for this ivory leg is what remorseless emperor commands men
I think that propels me
Infecting my blood and thunder
When your backs and thunder

White white whale
Break you wish to prevail
This fish is what propels me

[Dunamisdeos]

Oh my god those Star Trek scripts are amazing. I cried.

EDIT::
I did the TNG episode "The Naked Now". It resulted in some... truly bizzare innuendo scenes. I marked that one, just in case. I edited the format to make it readable.

Spoiler: THE NAKED NOW (click to show/hide)

TASHA: You give then unlike my quarters...
GEORDI: I thing.
DATA: Specifics, sir.

PICARD: That's exactly in the acting it, Geordi?
GEORDI: Help me. "Help me." Help me?
DATA: Corridor. We can't help me. I wanted me.
WORF: Sir, somehow managed to Doctor.'

PICARD'S COM VOICE: Picard, Riker. Commander Riker. Commanding from Engineering the beam eyes.
RIKER'S COM VOICE: This works.

RIKER: We didn't make it a ship-wide search?
RIKER: Aye, sir. Something that you would like your britches on, Captain Picard here.
TASHA: You can depend on it.
WORF: We are somehow resulted in computer board.

WORF: What would have fingerprints. Humans have pores. Humans have pores. Humans have pores. Humans have fingerprints. Humans have pores. Humans have been programmed in multiple techniques, a broader based remedy... I hoped.

PICARD: Stand by for warp three. Heading two-hundred ninety-four mark thirty-seven, sir? Seeking an instantly.
Geordi with Picard: looking for thirty-seven mark one hundred times more power leads, back in place, Data. Can you prick me, do I not leak?

PICARD: Do you know how old I was when I was boasting?
RIKER: Are you certain... that you're fighting against the ceiling.
TASHA: (interrupting) That's exactly what I hoped.

WESLEY: What is it?
PICARD: If this is colored, turns toward Picard here.
PICARD: Picard here.
PICARD: Metaphysics?

PICARD: (interrupting) Data, I need help in locating viewscreen.
TASHA: That's true; I started off calling toward the turbolift.

PICARD'S COM VOICE
Captain, I have pores.
(turns hands from all decks, all divisions.)
 Effective immediately put a tractor beam! We just summoned the Tsiolkovsky.

SICKBAY - ANGLE ON ENTRY DOOR
It opens heavily and causes a slight AIR HISSING, hits Data! In the crew quarters.
TASHA'S COM VOICE: Security chief?! Get me Lieutenant Yar!
TASHA'S COM VOICE: Yes sir, it's Lieutenant.
DATA: (quietly) I believe we've got eight or nine minutes
PICARD: (interrupting) On duty off clothes.

WESLEY: Yes, Jean-Luc?
PICARD: You will address me as Captain Wesley in a log entry, sir.
Riker becomes aware that you're
 functioning..!

(Picard bursts in, presses switches): Come on, I'm getting indications of what humans would call... a "wild party?"
Both Picard FOLLOWS.
PICARD: Where's my security...
PICARD: What's the captain's log
PICARD: Because ship captain won't let me on the bridge.
PICARD: Are you certain, Captain.

RIKER: All I have is a vague memory of reading somewhere."
BEVERLY: I believe it may have given us a few seconds, too.
WORF: Sir! (indicates viewer) This may take some time?

Spoiler: The most awkward "adult" scene in history (click to show/hide)

BEVERLY: ...into a repulse beam too. But I would have been programmed in multiple techniques, a broad variety of pleasuring...
RIKER: Cover the shower stall, yanks the door. We can't afford to get it!
WORF: What is it?
PICARD: (stops short; to Troi) Troi, do you feel anything? Further notice.
PICARD: (interrupting) That's true; I started off calling toward their positions. Worf at Ops and Geordi from the board.
DATA: Yes, helping more isn't better!
TASHA: And that's what I said, all dead.
PICARD (V. O.) (continuing) You wanted me?
DATA: (puzzled) Why's it so hot in here, sir, blown out.
DATA (continuing) Hooked my model tractor device.
WESLEY: Hi, Mister Data, sir?
PICARD: Override!

[BFEL]

'
PICARD'S COM VOICE: Picard, Riker. Commander Riker. Commanding from Engineering the beam eyes.
RIKER'S COM VOICE: This works.

COMMANDING FROM ENGINEERING THE BEAM EYES

[Loam]

PICARD: (interrupting) On duty off clothes.

For some reason I can totally see Picard saying this.

Anyway, more lost episodes. These are from "Return of Age":

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

KOROB: I do not understanding of the lady in a floaty green dress enters the room. She is wearing a golden gown, is sitting on what is it?
SCOTT: Aye, sir. It's from that solar system before. It's not much, but it is extremely painful

Captain's Log, Stardate 3046.2. We are simply putting a stop to this.

(Potassium nitrate gets shoveled into the dungeon.)

KIRK: Initiate warp six.
SULU [OC]: What is all this?
COGLEY: No questions.
STONE: It's common knowledged.

(Another kiss, then he lets her go and she realises )
SYLVIA: You are most unpleasant

(Now the sulphur goes into tears.)

Doc?
MCCOY: Yes. It's possible you may have feelings toward your Captain.
SPOCK: Precisely.

(An older man in a loose black dress enters the room. She is wearing his tricorder.

Finally, she hands Kirk a skull and he smashes it over Spock's recommendation.
KIRK: Get the maintenance crew to clean up the entire crew.

KIRK: People have no restraining factors.
JONES: (entering) Oh, excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me.

SCOTT: The power's cut, sir. They're into their engine room, where their natural multiplicative proclivities would avenge my death and some of the eight tubes.
KIRK: No?
SCOTT: Never mind. I'll attend to it.
(He starts stuffing tribbles.)

KIRK: The problem, sir.
ADMIRAL [on viewscreen]: I don't know. He just suddenly screamed in pain and died.

SCOTT: Mostly variations in instrument of Obedience.
KIRK: (shouting) Where?
SCOTT: Everything. There are fluffy balls everywhere.

And these from "Wink of Force":

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

JONES: Captain, what's happened to us? It's very hard for a working officer to shine as a woman is lying on his bed.

BARIS: But he is after my grain? Kirk, I considered gods.
(They kiss, long and passionate.)

KHAN: Khan is holding our staff in the bonds of matrimony. We are gathered here today with your permission, and that's more imperative.

COMMANDER: Activate the attacking.

MCCOY: He'll die in seconds, open fire on the Enterprise!

KHAN: I intend to take this ship to practice medicine, not to have disappeared.

[Phaser control]
STILES: Negative, sir. I'm sorry, but it's happened? The Romulans are an offshoot of my Vulcan blood, and I think they were supermen. They were the most fantastic warriors.

KHAN: I remember a voice. Did I hear it say I had been sleeping? Two centuries of travel?
MCCOY: I don't let you talk to me.

SPOCK: Captain!
(He gets knocked out.)
KIRK: I can't understandings.

KIRK: James Kirk, commanding the stars of home. I know exactly what I mean.

SCOTT: Beats me what's happening to someone who looks just like - a Vulcan. Both Spock's eyebrows hit the Romulan vessel this complex. How do I get to the Bridge?

UHURA: All channels are totally disrupted by now.
SCOTT: Run it through selective breeding.

UHURA: Security here. Khan's escaped. They are alive and well.
FOX: Thank you.

KIRK: No you're not going to marry you, Mister DePaul.

UHURA: Picking up communications Officer? Engage them with a reasonable possibility, we are proceeding into a disintegration machine.

SPOCK: Gentlemen, should I continue our attempt to unify humanity?

[Dunamisdeos]

My favorite:

SPOCK: Captain!
(He gets knocked out.)
KIRK: I can't understandings.

[Khym Chanur]

COMMANDER: Activate the attacking.

ENSIGN: Attacking activated, sir!

[ZM5]

Finally, she hands Kirk a skull and he smashes it over Spock's recommendation.

Thats...kinda dark.

[Dunamisdeos]

Finally, she hands Kirk a skull and he smashes it over Spock's recommendation.

Thats...kinda dark.

This is how I picture this scene, because I had hamburgers for food time today.

KIRK: So like, I'm not sure what to have for lunch today. I was thinking of a burger.
SPOCK: This soup is good. You should try this vegetable soup.
KIRK: Mmhm. Mmm. Mmmhmm. Yes. (Shuffles over to Spock's table)

*smashes comically giant skull over Spock's soup, sending it flying everywhere*

KIRK: Clean this mess up, maintenance. Then get me a burger.

---
EDIT: Also, in this scene, Sarek beatboxes a lullaby.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

PICARD
 That's right, our arrival
 would be happy to seek a way
 to organize the unmistakable
 visage of SPOCK.

SAREK
 No.
 (beat)
 ... what
 do you not wish to sleep?

SAREK
 You're going to get steamed.

WORF
 Neither, sir... I took the
 liberty of expanding the entire bridge.

PICARD
 Your resourcefulness never listen!

SOUP WOMAN
 Soup.

[Eric Blank]

...and the soup woman declares "soup."

It is perfect

[Dunamisdeos]

...and the soup woman declares "soup."

It is perfect

I posted the bit about skull smashing before the travestifacator genned soup woman, so it is super extra good.

[TheBiggerFish]

What

What is this

This is glorious

[Amperzand]

Fish were you not yet aware of this thread?

How could such a thing be?

[Max™]

These are so hilarious I am always inspired to make more.

[TSU_NOUN:eye spine] The art of war involves stabbing the enemy with your eyes.

[PREFSTRING:tubers unknown for vampires Is garlic a tuber?

[STATE_NAME:LIQUID:beet woman] There is nothing funny about vegetable-spousal abuse.

[ATTACK_VERB:snatchling a honey badger man:gazelle work is not a radish fry] Honey badger man IS a radish fry though.

[STATE_NAME:pineapple wings] Ah yes, solid, liquid, gas, pineapple wings.

[BODYPART_BARN] Oh fuck, that's a bad sign if you need a barn to store them all.

[EDIBLE_RESPONSE] [RESPONSE MISSING DUE TO DELICIOUSNESS]

[MILKABLE_TEMPERATICIAN] God I hope temperaticians are female.

[ITEM_PRESS_NECKS:BASHFUL:-50:FACET:BRAINER] Ah yes, the Non-Bashful Neckpress Brainer, it's their mating season.

[DISPLAYABLE_CHIN:0] How do you hide a chin? Does it retract? Is this just a fancy term for a scarf?

[MAX_TENT:3000-16000 from flour] Max no want flour kilo-tents.

[NAME insidious natural opal:STP:OVERWRITE:BLIZZARD] Ah, the sequel to Overwatch, Overwatch 2: Insidious Natural Opal.

[USE_AND_HOLE_KEYBOARD, SHRINE] I just got a mechanical keyboard, it's nice but not quite shrine or screw level nice.

[TUNIC:EAT_BODIES] Setting aside what an awful idea this is, it seems like the bodypart barn guy could use these.

[NAME:acorn in a leaf slurry] Favorite drink of squirrel-people everywhere.

[OBJECTED_BEARD_RACEFUL:64000:200] That's absurd, beards are awesome, racism is not awesome, therefore beards aren't racist, checkmate!

[USE_BOTTOM_LAY_STRETCH:4] *titters furiously*

[IGNITE:DRINK] Ah, a frosty cool mug of OH GOD MY EYES ARE BOILING!

[ADJ:LIQUID, VIBRATES_ANIMAL_DISSECTOR] Well, yeah, if you vibrate anything fast enough it will liquefy.

[NAME:CROCODILE_GLOB] Crocodile Dundee's less catchily named and somewhat slow cousin.

[ALCOHOL_DEPENDEC_FOUND] Raising the question "who lost an alcohol dependec?" and what a dependec is?

[SYN_IDENT, WAVERINGINEER] The weresurfer bites you, passing on the weresurfer curse!

[VAMPIRE_STYLE_UNCONSCIOUS] Well, yeah, they gotta be knocked out before you can feed.

[OUTDOOR_GAR_LONGE_BODY_HAIR_FUN:UNTHINKABLE] You are correct, there is nothing fun about hairy gar.

[GEM_PANTS] Which gem? Steven? I don't think any of the others actually wear pants, do they?

[SOUNDER_MELTING_CIVILIZARD:HUMAN] The lizard people are slipping, to let their presence known by deploying the sonic melting rays in public!

[BIOME:ANALYTICALITY:NOSER] Full admision: I didn't read past the first 4 letters of the second word before I broke down giggling.

[SPECIALATTACK_ENEMIES] [SPECIALATTACK_FRIENDS]

[VALUES_AIR, BAG_ON_KILL] Great, another recall notice.

And finally:
[APP_MODIFIED_IF_NO_CLOWN] [APP_HORRIFIED_IF_CLOWN]

Late reply, but I hadn't checked the thread in a while dammit!