I awoke, peacefully this time. Ah, it was nice to wake up without something blaring away in your ears. I stretched my arms out to my side and opened my eyes.
Directly in front of my eyes were two black pits, rimmed with blue. They floated in a sea of white, and beyond that...
I yelled and covered my eyes. Then, upon hearing laughter from just above me, I realised what I had just seen, and looked back into Marion's face.
"That wasn't funny." It really wasn't any use, she was already laughing manicly and holding her sides. She got out from over me, walked over to the computer and sat down, still grinning.
"Sorry, Frederick," she said, her expression indicating that she would clearly do it again if she had the chance, "But I've always wanted to try that".
I sat up. "How long were you standing over me, looking into my eyes?"
"'Bout 45 minutes" she said. This was followed up abruptly with "Hey! Look what I've got!" I looked at the new red sash which she was holding in her hands. It read "Leader of the Glorious Liberal Truth and Information Providers".
"Isn't that a bit... you know, vague?" I asked. "And, um, why do we all have different titles? I mean, if we're all on different hierarchy systems, it's gonna be pretty difficult to work out who's at the top..."
"Simple!" she said. "As Ruler, I have control over everything and everyone here. Tyrone, Raymond and Monica work in their individual fields, and shouldn't need to bother each other much".
"So what about me?"
"Well, as Minister of Boring but Entirely Necessary Tasks, anyone with a boring task may present it to you immediately", she explained, patiently and infuriatingly, "You must then perform the task. Simple enough for you?"
I scowled, but she seemed to ignore it.
The next 15 minutes was spent waking everyone else up. Monica was very easy to wake up - as I bent down to touch a shoulder and wake her up, she opened her eyes. Wait, was she even sleeping at all? She somehow went from sitting position to standing position in one movement, and stared blankly forwards. Marion decided to wake Raymond by shaking him. Raymond screamed when he woke up to see the figure of his nightmares before him, but calmed slightly when she walked off to wake up Tyrone. Waking up Tyrone proved to be a bigger problem - he was in such a deep sleep that even shaking him, prodding him and kicking him didn't wake him up. Eventually, when Marion shouted "GODZILLA!" at the top of her voice, he roused. He also roared, yelled, then saw Marion's face and smiled.
"Right, Squad!" said Marion, standing on the side of the room with a cork notice board on it. The board had been stabbed and slashed up beyond use, of course, but it was cleaner than the other walls, and was the closest thing we had to a whiteboard. "Today's Squad activities are on this piece of paper!" She attempted to stick the paper to the ruined corkboard with a pin, gave up, and just stuck the page to the wall.
I looked at the page. It read as follows:
Squad!
We need to raise our profiles and perform more daring attacks, but right now we need some essential equipment. Today our top priorities are to obtain items key to our mission.
Tasks:
Bringing the liberal printer back to the liberal base - Tyrone
Showing the liberal way to the liberal house housing the liberal printer - Monica
Shopping for liberal supplies - Marion
Procuring a liberal car for the liberal cause (needs to be fast, and preferably convertible) - Raymond
Performing the dull but entirely liberal task of driving the liberal car back to base - Fred
"Um, why do I need to drive the car back?"
"Raymond cannot drive. I discovered that while I was Enlightening him. And stop asking so many goddamn questions!" She said the word "Enlightening" without a trace of irony. "I also found that he is pretty good at stealing stuff." I looked around, and noticed Raymond was conspicuously absent. Probably, once again, trying to avoid Marion. Oh well, looked like I was pairing with him.
"Marion?" I asked "Why are we doing difficult and dangerous tasks while you go shopping?
"Because we need stuff! I won't take any more of these questions, Fred!" And so, leaving aside the issues of where she planned to get the money and why she was the one with the safe and easy tasks, she stomped out of the room.
Monica left silently with Tyrone walking alongside. The height difference really was comical - it was difficult not to at least laugh inwardly. Raymond entered the room, turned to me and said:
"So, what are we doing today?"
"We've been told by Her Majesty to procure a fast car," I said, "And our budget is 'One crowbar'".
Raymond remained silent for a moment. Finally, he said: "How did she know?"
"Well, apparently you told her about the fact that you know a little bit about stealing during your interview." He winced as he had another flashback, but I decided to press on anyway. "So she decided to let you perform most of the acts of theft around here."
Raymond seemed, inexplicably, to cheer up a bit on hearing this. "Yep, I've just done a bit of thieving here and there in the past", he said, "Just to help make ends meet, and never anything major. You're not judging, right?"
"Of course not".
"Good. I will gladly help your Squad to procure a nice car..."
We went downtown because... well, that's where you find nice cars, right? Someone would have to be pretty dumb to leave a fast car anywhere near the homeless shelter. I was going to ask Marion why we needed a decadant conservative car, but she had already vetoed further questions before I could ask her. As we approached the Court House, we saw...
The car. It was beautiful, and bright red. It was custom made, one of a kind. The front was sleek and yet had a playfully classic look, with no doubt an enormous engine underneath. The body of the car was ridged for extra aerodynamic properties, and the retractible roof seemed to be made of lycra. It was an incredible car, certainly not one you'd forget.
It belonged to none other than the Mayor himself. He was often seen stepping out of it on the front cover of the newspaper, smiling and shaking hands. Thinking back to the mayor's manifesto, I remembered how he had praised Reagan (who, if the Liberal Agenda was anything to go by, was Marion's equivalent of an Anti-Christ) and had pledged to slash taxes and welfare. In fact, he had cut it all the way back to a single rotting, delapidated homeless centre in the Industrial District, a shelter so poor that many vagrants preferred to take their chances on the streets.
"Wow!" said Raymond. "The Mayor's car! And it seems to be unguarded! If we get this, it would be not just a great car, but also a fantastic PR stunt!" Uh oh. It seemed like Marion really had polluted his brain.
"But we can't steal it!" I said "It's probably one of the best secured cars in the world! Even if we do steal it, it's pretty distinctive! We'll be arrested on sight!"
"Don't worry about the theft", said Raymond, suddenly deadly serious, "I can handle it fine. As for heat, we can hide it in the room of the homeless shelter with only 3 walls". Hmm, that was a good idea. Half of the homeless shelter had collapsed due to lack of vital repairs, and we could probably fashion one of the broken rooms into a makeshift garage. That would keep the police off our backs, but preventing theft from closer to home candidates would be much harder.
I moved to hand him the crowbar, but he refused it, and set to work picking the lock. Using only what appeared to be a paperclip, he jimmied open the car door in no time at all, and got in the front.
"Fred! You stay on guard and warn me if someone's coming". Raymond had already set to work on the car, apparently getting ready to hotwire it. I looked around, but to my surprise saw few people, and most of them didn't give us a second glance. However, when someone dressed in what appeared to be an official looking uniform came towards us, I whispered to Raymond for him to stop.
"You there!" said the man, "You are violating parking restrictions! This is a single yellow line, and your car is 30cm too long to park on it!" I had forgotten about the conservative government's new pointless laws and regulations, each of them designed to restrict freedom and glean money from the less rich. I smiled and said:
"Don't worry, sir. We will be moving this car very soon".
"You better!" shouted the man, and walked off. Weird.
Raymond resumed work on the car, and before long had managed to spark the engine into life. And, indeed, what an engine it was. It was more of a purr than a roar, but you could hear the potential for amazing power in it. I climbed into the drivers seat while Raymond moved into the passenger seat, grinning manicly.
"We're stealing the mayor's car!" said Raymond excitedly, "We can get Monica to write an article about it! This could be a huge profile boost to us!"
I felt less enthusiastic. Partly because I was starting to realise the gravity of the crime I had just helped to commit, and partly because I had just noticed a police officer and the other end of the road staring at us suspiciously. He seemed to be saying something into his radio... oh wait, that would be our number plate! I slammed down the accelerator and the engine roared into life.
In no time at all we were cruising down the freeway. Raymond let the top cover down, and we felt the wind in our hair. Ah, it was slightly relaxing. Unfortunately, the sirens of a police car suddenly became audible.
While the car I was driving could clearly go very fast, I wasn't particularly confident at going at a speed over 60mph. After all, I totalled the first car I ever had after just a few weeks. This allowed the police car to pull alongside us, and the police officer who was riding in the passenger seat said:
"Pull over! We know your car is stolen. If you resist, we will use force!" I didn't hesitate to believe that, especially considering that all police officers were now cleared to carry submachineguns if they so wished.
"Do something!" Raymond said to me throught clenched teeth. "We need to escape!"
I thought for a moment. I looked down at the speedometer, then right at Raymond, who was beginning to panic, then straight ahead, then left at the police car. Suddenly an idea struck me. I turned to the police car and shouted:
"We need a slogan!"
The police officer in the passenger seat looked puzzled. He looked downwards for a second, and then turned to the driver to ask his opinion. The driver turned towards me, and said:
"Have you tried-" but that was all that came out. For, although the driver hadn't realised, there was a fruit stall directly in front of his car. I had always thought it was a stupid idea to put a fruit stall in one of the lanes of a busy road, and I suppose what happened next validated that feeling. The police car smashed straight through the fruit stall, ripping it down and sending soft fruit everywhere. The driver thought to mantain control, but it would seem that the huge amount of squishy fruit on the ground was too much for him, and he careered off the road. The police car smashed through a plate glass window before coming to rest, upside down, in the middle of a car salesroom. I turned to Raymond, who had gone pale.
"Did we just... kill them?" he said. His teeth began to chatter, and he slumped his head forwards. I didn't know what to say.
We arrived back at base in our snazzy new car, which caused amazed noises from Tyrone, who thought it looked great. Marion looked at it, said "It's passible", and went back inside. We parked the car in the room where the fourth wall was already broken, and went inside.
We swapped notes. Tyrone and Monica had been accosted by rednecks wanting to "Kill the freak" on the way there. Tyrone had apparently dealt with it quite easily, and with what he described as "A minimum of fatal spinal injuries". We talked of how we had taken the mayor's car, and Marion's eyes lit up. She told Monica to write all about how the Mayor's wild excess was being punished, and how the tragic fruit stall incident was proof that cops needed less time playing with guns and more time learning to drive and think properly.
When Marion had finished telling Monica what she wanted her to do, she decided to tell us what she had brought.
"I have decided to, out of my own money, buy some stuff that will be essential to the liberal cause" she said. "For you, Raymond, I have a 9mm pistol. It's rather like your old one, so you should have no trouble with it." Raymond looked at the gun wearily, and it was clear that he didn't want to have to help cause any more deaths.
"I have also got you something, Fred." I was surprised - I certainly hadn't expected her to buy me anything. I was even more surprised to find that she had brought me an MP5 and a trenchcoat.
"What the hell!" I said. "I can't use a gun!"
"Exactly!" she said. "You need a weapon that isn't easy to miss with for self defence. Just point it at someone and fire, ok?"
I looked down at the gun in dumbstruck disbelief. I supposed I could hide it under my new coat, but this was ridiculous! I mean, why would I need to shoot anyone?
It transpired that Marion had also purchased a couple more crowbars, some spray paint, some rags and gasoline and what appeared to be some form of bondage gear. When questioned, she said it would help with interrogation, but to be honest I didn't believe her.
There was one thing, however, which struck me as strange.
"Marion, today we have done some... interesting things", I said, trying to avoid annoying her in the first part of my sentence, "But it would seem that we are... you know... performing criminal acts? Like stealing, assaults and illegal firearm ownership?"
"Firstly, Fred, these guns are legal at the moment" she said, apparently selectively choosing to forget that she wanted them banned, "And secondly, it's all part of the Liberal struggle."
"But this is ridiculous! I mean, these actions hardly seem like the activities of a Liberal Squad of activists at all! We seem to be more like..." I paused, searching for something to say. "A Liberal Crime Squad or something!"
Marion looked thoughtful for a moment, and then put on that unbelievably terrifying grin she seems to employ so much. "Wow! That's brilliant!"
"No it's not! We're supposed to be peaceful!"
"We are! But we're fighting conservative aggressors! We break their laws to bring lasting peace! From this day forwards, we are all members of the Liberal Crime Squad!"
And thus the LCS came into being.
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Topic: The Fires of Revolution - A Liberal Crime Squad Story - Part 15 (Read 16989 times)