As we have no doubt seen, all children's programming fits into one of three categories:
1. Scary
2. Confusing
3. Biblical
Or any combination. Veggie tales managed to break a record by fitting all three, but I'm more concerned about shows that take one to the extreme.
I woke up at like 4 in the morning, and I started flipping through channels. I came across a bunch of multicolor blobs with zigzaggy lines bumbling around speaking gibberish, with a sudden and unexplained burst into song. The song was some lame rap, with random gibberish infused in the lyrics, with a repetitive and numbing rhythm. (So it's like normal rap.)
I went through about 15 minutes of eye-scorchingly colorful shapes and epilepsy, before I began to understand what the strange little beings were saying.
It was a child's voice.
By the gods, those things were the tortured souls of small retarded children, forever forced to burst into horrible rap and entertain those more fortunate than them. I recoiled in horror as the implications hit me, there are so many of them, it's like the concentration camps of the Nazi regime. With the lack of violence I realized that these pitiful animals would never be given the sweet release of death, the warm embrace of oblivion.
Whatever foul creature is behind this should pay dearly!
With new resolve I lifted my Mello Yello, and to my dismay the can was empty. My futile efforts to acquire even one drop of the glorious liquid left me drained. Disheartened, I turned off the TV and rolled over to sleep.
What the hell kind of show is this?