TIME FOR SOVIET PASTA, FOR BENEFIT OF MOTHERLAND!!!
Mother and father very tired of taking care of children all the time. One night, they call babysitter so that they may go out and have dinner.
While they are at dinner, babysitter calls asking if she can remove statue of glorious leader Lenin from daughter's window, for it very unsettling.
Next day, KGB arrest babysitter for calling glorious leader "Unsettling".
But...such is life in Soviet Union.
One night, you are drinking vodka and celebrating being member of Soviet Union with girl, and she soon give you kisses. Your telephone rings, and voice on other end say "WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH MY DAUGHTER, CAPITALIST PIG!?"
You inform girl, but she says father was sent to gulag for insulting name of glorious leader Stalin.
WHO WAS ON THE TELEPHONE!?
There is abandoned mental hospital at the top of hill in Moscow.
Once every five years an old rusty box spring appears within the courtyard of the hospital.
If you can sneak inside and sleep through the night on the bed, in the morning a man with a shirt that reads “Hail Glorious Leader” will take out his wallet and give you picture.
This picture will show you how you will die. If the picture is of KGB, running won’t help.
Although the Communist omnipotent entity we refer to by tradition as Marx was first called Glorious Leader by the revolutionaries.
Legend has it that the high officer of KGB passed from one to another his true name, made up of 72 Russian letters that, when spoken, would summon his presence before the speaker.
This was required for their annual ritual of asking for forgiveness of the comrades - by asking face to face.
So what would happen if you found this combination? And what could you petition?
Well, Marx did provide warning, "Fear not those who can destroy the body and then do no more...fear him who, after killing the body can destroy the motherland" (Lenin12:4-5)
On your 33rd birthday, go to your mule station and pick up newspaper.
The classified ads will have a small segment commemorating your contribution to mother Russia.
Upon looking behind you, KGB man dressed in black will be advancing in your direction.
If you choose to run away, he will hunt you for the rest of life, eventually killing you for being fearful of KGB.
However, if you await his arrival and show no intent of fleeing, he will kill you for being unproductive.
There is certain road in cold, harsh Siberia, which, if you drive down it alone in the snow, you will suddenly have real feeling of disconnection with inspiration of Lenin. Your radio will continue to chant glorious propaganda.
If you continue forward down road for greater than a minute, you will find that you cannot reverse crappy vehicle, and everything behind you is pitch dark. There are no other cars (only the wealthy have luxury of vehicles).
Continuing down the road, you will come upon a fork with no signpost. In the middle of the fork, there will be capitalist pig, covered head to foot in heavy coat. Only skin visible will be around eyes (the weak cannot endure the harsh sting of lady Siberia).
To be comrade, you must run vehicle directly into capitalist. Retrieve body and use to feed family. You will be applauded for cleansing homeland of filth, and food come to starving family.
"Father, I had a bad dream"
You take a sip of vodka and roll over. You stare at the clocktower on Sobornaya Square it's 3:23. "Go back to sleep, there is work tomorrow."
"No, Father."
The familiar warm buzz of vodka starts to sink in. You can barely make out your daughter's pale form in the darkness. "Why is that, devochka moya?"
"Because in my dream, when I was about to go back to sleep, the thing wearing Mother's skin sat up."
You pause, and face your daughter and look at her intensely. The figure behind you begins to stir.
"Don't talk that way about your brother, it is not his fault we have no money for coats. Such is life in Moscow."
One night girl hear sounds, so she put hand down for dog to lick hand. She becomes comforted, and falls to sleep.
Next morning, she awakes and see message written on wall "COMRADES LICK TOO". She scream loudly.
I go up to room, hit her across face. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! WHY YOU YELLING!?"
She is very strange. I fear she not become good Soviet housewife someday.
But...such is life in Soviet Russia.
Somewhere in West Vladivostok, you will find a frozen pond with a pair of ice skates lying in the middle. Put them on and begin skating. After a while, a small group of Capitalists will approach you and challenge you to a revolution, which you must begin.
After the revolution, you must go home and relay the events to Comrade Lenin. He will then inform you that you have an aunt and uncle living in one of the districts of Moscow, and out of loyalty to his motherland, he will send you to live there for an indefinite period of time.
With no personal possessions because ownership is the capitalist's way, go to the station and await a train. The train that will pull up will bear the word FREEDOM on the side, and upon closer inspection, a bust of Stalin will hang in the window. Although you will suddenly realize that cabs like these are extremely decadent and capitalistic in nature, do not bear any thought to it. At this point you MUST salute the comrade in the front of the train and say ‘Yo comrade, to Moscow’. You will stop in front of a mansion, and there will be somewhere between 7 and 8 other families living there, even though it will be a privilege to share your home with fellow comrades. Get off of the train and say ‘Yo comrade, smell ya later!’, but do NOT turn back to face the conductor. Walk up to the door, salute your motherland once, and then knock on the door three times.
If you follow these instructions, your imperialism will get flip-revolted upside down
For brief period in 1971, great mother Russia provide novelty "x-ray" glasses through mail via advertisements in Anti-capitalist comic books.
People who view out window while wearing these glasses reported seeing images that were "hellish" or "like hell".
It noted that phenomena occurred regardless of if window open or closed.
KGB quickly kill these people for insulting motherland's appearance investigations reveal these were just regular glasses.
When you admitted to a hospital, they place on wrist a white wristband with name on it.
There was one surgeon who worked on night shift in hospital.
He finished operation and was on way down to basement.
He entered the elevator and there was just one other comrade there.
He casually chatted with comrade while elevator descend.
When elevator door opened, ]other comrade was about to enter when the doctor slammed the close button and punched the button to the highest floor.
Surprised, the comrade reprimanded the doctor for disrespect of comrades and ask why he do such things.
The doctor said, "That was a KGB agent didn't you see how he didn't have wristband."
The comrade smiled, raised her arm, and said, "Something like this?"
During great war against fascist pigs of germany there was medic.
Medic work very hard but not have enough supplies.
Suddenly after bad bombing many injured scared because they find wounds patched using people skin.
Medic is found laughing with holes all over. Medic is promoted for his resourcefulness and sacrifice for mother Russia.
You in cottage alone, and you hear from patrolling troops of traitorous woman who refuses labor for glorious country.
You look out hole in wall at bountiful potato garden, and you notice strange man standing out in the snow. He is smiling at you.
You ask the man, why do you stare at me with such happiness? (Such is uncommon in Soviet Union)
You look at man as you hear knock at door, and notice man is much closer to you now.
You then drop potato in shock.
Man is KGB agent.
You are unproductive woman.
I did not make these, if offended please say so.
Author
Topic: Time for a creepy thread! (Read 19871 times)