So, without further ado, the
BAY12 FANFICFEST 2011Warnings are posted for fics that are deliberately terrible and/or NSFW. All fanfics will be posted in this format:
Any warnings which apply to the above fanfictionDiamonds Droog stepped out of the shower and put a towel around his waist. He stepped into his room and opened up his expansive wardrobe. What suit would he wear today? To an outside observer they all appeared identical. However, there were subtle differences that projected a different message for each one. Power. Fear. Respect. Violence. All qualities Diamonds Droog lived up to.
He pulled out his Business suit from the wardrobe when the phone began ringing. With a curse he set the suit down on his bed and walked to the phone. It was Spades Slick. No, that’s a terrible idea, Slick. I’ve tried it before. It’s not profitable. I don’t care how much fun it is carving people up, dead people can’t pay dues. Yeah, I’ll be there, right at nine like you said last night. What are you even doing up this early anyway? Right.
Diamonds Droog replaced the receiver and turned back to the bed. There was a purple cat squid princess thing curled up on his suit.
Images of invaders crossing rivers ran through his head. They wore disgusting fur pelts and had mud up to their knees. They shouted guttural battle cries as their crude weapons and torches hacked apart body and limb and set fire to homes. They pillaged and looted and razed, and Diamonds Droog understood the meaning of the images. This purple cat squid princess thing was the first step in the assault of civilization at its finest. This feline vandal would have to be dealt with and swiftly before the evils it represented grew emboldened by the complacency of civilization and dared to ruin that which he held dear above all else.
Diamonds Droog’s eyes thinned fractions of millimeters and he spoke in his calm growl. “Get off my suit.”
The purple cat squid princess thing raised its head and tilted back its head to look at Diamonds Droog. It yawned and licked its lips a few times. “Oh, sorry.” It said so innocently and apologetically it nearly made Diamonds Droog furious. It floated to another part of the bed and set itself down.
Diamonds Droog’s nostrils flared minutely. He walked to the bed and picked up the suit. Slimy purple cat hair lightly covered it where the cat thing had lain. Diamonds Droog pondered what torture he could inflict before it became uncivilized.
"Toasted or plain, these mushy morsels signify an unusual new friend of the opposite sex." - SOME DUMB SOURCE
When time travel was first proposed to her, she had an immediate reply. She thought it was fair succinct, and descriptive of her general thought process. "You are out of your mind!" Her friends were not joking though. They knew that it was the only thing to do. A Prospitian Monarch had to rule from the front lines of her Civilization. She had to take Risks. She had to balance safety on its Axis and Allies were to be listened to for their helpful advice.
For some reason it still didn't seem like a very good idea.
Regardless, it had to be done. She had to save the child from certain doom. This doom could be easily prevented, but the child didn't want to listen to reason. She lost more computer terminals trying than she even wanted to think about. All she had to do was push Jade at just the right time. No one would die if she could just get to the right place at the right time.
So they shoved her into a conveniently placed time ship, and they set it for the right time. Inside this swirling mass of entirely too loud music she wasn't quite able to hear when the time ship stopped. In fact, her toes started to tap. She became enthralled with the music, its sweet bluesy beats syncopating nicely with the bobbing of her head.
When the music stopped she left the ship. Checking the time, she realised that she missed saving Jade by an hour. There was also one more problem with the whole thing: There was a giant meteor set to crash into her head. She wondered if the glowing green thing in the sky was a friend.
Oh well, no time to stop and think. She set the machine to go back an hour and three minutes. She turned the music down to avoid another accident.
She popped out of the time ship just in time to run toward the Jade child. She saw the event unfolding. The table being thrown out of the window. Pumpkins, pots, and a giant slab of steel were all aimed for the one she'd come back in time to save. There was also one small white bag. It caught her attention. The white bag was never in the pictures of the timeline.
Had the timeline changed?
She really didn't have much time to think. She ran as fast as she could, and knocked the child out of the way.
Flop, plop, shabab, the items bounced off the ground as they struck. A pumpkin burst into orange shrapnel as it hit the ground, and moments later a pot burst it open.
She jumped back. SHING. The table landed edge-down in the ground between her and Jade.
She'd done it! She'd saved her!
Ploop. The white bag that had caught her attention before was resting gently against her face. It was a bag of strange sugary lumps. She really had no idea what she was supposed to do with it. Except take it off of her face, of course. It sounded like a good plan to her.
"You found my marshmallows!" Jade said. She sounded happy. "Come with me! There's a fire inside we can roast them on!"
"But--" There was no time to object to the rather hasty grab. Both the sugary lumps, and her hand were clutched and dragged toward the giant tower house in the distance.
Mom: Join Alcoholics Anonymous
Certainly not! You're not a people person. And besides, you aren't an alcoholic. You just enjoy your gin. And whiskey. And wine. You think vodka is okay too, in a pinch. Really, anything with alcohol is...
Alright. So you're an alcoholic. But you will deal with it your own way.
Mom: Speak to Rose
Rose thinks you should join Alcoholics Anonymous. But you will not. You cannot join AA. It is something which should not be done.
Rose asks what your plan is, then. You decide to explain it to her. You will try to drink caffeine instead of alcohol, you say. Perhaps it will help with withdrawal, and that addiction will certainly be more socially acceptable. You plan on buying a large amount of soda tomorrow.
==>
The next day, you are awake unusually early. This is because you had nothing to drink last night. You already feel terrible, and you're not sure whether it's the withdrawal kicking in early or some sort of psychological effect. Rose would probably know, you think.
Coincidentally, Rose is up early as well. She explains that she has decided to help you with your plan. She has done this by pouring every alcoholic beverage, solid and a few assorted alcoholic gases down the drain. She's even been kind enough to make use of the tea set you bought on a whim. You notice it is quite nice-looking. Unfortunately, the empty wine glasses are not.
Mom: Destroy the house in a fit of rage
Why would you do that? You're not angry, and you're certainly not your mother. Really, addiction is a very serious matter. You should not be so frivolous!
Fortunately, mother seems to be taking this unexpected twist of fate well. She's already sitting at the table, sipping tea, acting as if everything is normal. If serendipity smiles upon you, soon it will be. Perhaps eventually you will be able to invite your friends over without your mother commiting a faux pas! Eventually.
Rose: Invite friends over
You don't see why your dear child would ever do such a thing. She does still correspond with her friends from her Sburb days, but she's never gone to any of their houses, nor has she ever invited any of them to hers! Besides, she has her hands full already, helping you with your alcoholism.
It's been weeks now, and while it's become easier, it is still far from easy. The taste of alcohol is never too far from your mind. Indeed, you fear you are not trading one addiction for another, but simply creating a second in addition to the first. But the tea is delicious, which is fortu—
Oh dear. The doorbell is ringing; it seems you have visitors.
Dad: Greet Mom
You're in through the back door before either of them even have time to open the front one. Being an awesome dude like you are has its advantages. One of them is the equally awesome pranks.
But today, you are not here to place Li'l Cal where some unsuspecting preteen will stumble upon him and be scarred for life. No, you carry a much more precious cargo. This will be the best prank/gift in the history of Paradox Space. Now to deliver the cargo and get out.
Mom: Catch on
Catch on to what? It was probably some little kid on a dare. Even if it wasn't, you are definitely not going to try to solve any mysteries this early in the morning and before you've had your morning cup of tea. Okay, two cups of tea. Well, you do usually have at least three, often five or more.
You walk back to the table and happen to glance at the cup you were about to drink. You notice that this one has a picture of a tree on its side. It also contains Jaspers. Jaspers seems to have four eyes in addition to suddenly not being dead.
Rose is snickering.
Rose: Explain
You explain to your dear mother that you have just met a paradox clone of Jaspers. She replies that she knows that much already, and asks you how you know this.
You say you found the poor thing in the lab, where you named him/her and really you just realized you still don't know Mutie's gender and also that that was audible.
Your mother asks you what Mutie stands for. You reply that it is short for Vodka Mutini. Your mother stares at Mutie.
She downs a full cup of tea with her free hand and reaches for another.
Mom: Abandon Mutie
You decide you won't, after a cup or three of tea to help you think. Really, Vodka Mutini isn't such a terrible name. You should have expected something that snarky from your daughter. And he/she looks cute cuddling in that teacup, really. Perhaps a custom-made teacup bed is in order for him/her?
Your daughter has a look of utter confusion on her face. You ask her whether she wants one as well, and attempt to hide your laugh behind another cup of tea.
Tea is delicious, really, you're not sure why you didn't try it out earlier.
The music blard at the flamenco lounge. Any troll whos any one was there. Everyone was having fun, exept Equius, who didn't have anyone to dance with. Vriska saw that he was sad and decided to come over and see what was wrong.
"Whats wrong Equius?"She saed.
"Nobodoy wants to dance with me. They say I'm too STRONG and will hurt them." He said sadly.
"I'll dance with you" Vrska said comfurtingly.
"Realy?"
"Yes."
They procided to flamengo the night away. When the party was over and everyone else was starting to go back to their hotel rooms. When Equius started to leave Vriska stoped him.
"Don't go. IIIIIII love you." She said lovingly
"You do?" he said happily.
"Yes, I think your fabulous"
"This makes me realy e%actic. Why don't you spend the night in my room."
"Thank you. I will"
And They went and cuddled the night away. All was fabulous. In the morning they made out and every thing was evenmore FABULOUS! Then Eqius put his boy thingy in Vriskas and they procided to make sweet sweet mind scaring troll love to flamico music. And it was fabulouse.
Staring one another down, their ragged suits complimenting the remains of the catastrophe. How fitting, thought one of them. They stered dramatically at each other, and then they began their duel()they dueled And it doesn't seem right they wondrerd wonderde b/c theire gentleman but they fighted anyi anyways becuaee buc becaueuugh BECAUSE they thought it gentlemanygentlemanly to commit to their barbaric obligations.
Spades Slick shut off the monitor and turned away. These damn kids were giving him a headache, traipsing about. He couldn't stand it. Watching or even understanding this kind of nonsense was for stupid, dumb babies who pooped in their diapers, not vicious criminal masterminds. He had much more important things to do.
He called up Diamonds to check in. What's the current progress? Still working on it, eh? That's what you said the last four times I've checked in. Are you sure you've got it all under control? Yes? Good, alright. Slick out.
He began to call Clubs and then immediately decided not to.
Suddenly, Spades started to feel an unpleasant pressure in his bowels. It appeared he needed to use the bathroom. Awesome, more distractions. He sighed and began looking for a place to squat and drop in this abandoned facility.
After a few minutes of poking around in dark corners, he found an empty storage closet. This is as good a place as any, he decided. Why couldn't the builders of this place have just installed a few bathrooms, like reasonable people? It didn't make any sense, but he supposed he wouldn't be where he is today if he stopped and let these kinds of inconveniences bother him much.
He opened the door and let himself in. It was pitch black inside, and the comforting darkness made him feel right at home. He snuck over to the corner and began relieving himself.
Several minutes later, after the act had been finished, he realized there was no toilet paper in this closet. He gritted his razor-sharp teeth in frustration, and pulled up his trenchcoat. He began swearing loudly, cursing everything he could think of, until he heard what sounded like footsteps in the distance.
These small taps of shoe on metal caused him to shut right up. He hadn't seen or heard any sign of anyone but himself in this facility, and whoever the hell this was wasn't going to catch him off-guard. He had a reputation to keep, and he prepared himself to jump out and murder whoever was outside before they realized that he, Spades Slick, had just defecated in a broom closet.
Hey there, Slick, a voice rang out. It was a young, sweet voice. Too bad he'd have to silence it forever.
I've got something that may very well interest you. What's that? What is this broad talking about?
Here, just stand back. I promise I won't look~ Oh god the door is opening. Spades shrunk back into the darkness, readying his trusty knife for stabbing. He loved his trusty knife. If it wasn't for his trusty knife, he would certainly slit his wrists.
A small, white object was tossed into the room, and the door closed with a thud. Spades groped around until he found it. It's plush, cushioney softness confirmed his suspicions. Toilet paper!
A feeling of immense gratitude cracked through his ironclad demeanor. Spades cleaned himself up, with relief and a feeling of peace flowing through him. This was the closest thing he had ever experienced to true joy. This toilet paper made him feel like a new man.
He nudged the door open slightly, peeking outside through the small gap. A beautiful young lady caught his eye.
And just who are you then, sweetcheeks? He had to stay gruff. Had to keep up appearances.
I'm Rose. Rose Lalonde. Why don't you come out of there and greet me properly? Well, fine then, if that's the way you want it, girl.
He stepped outside, trying his best to look intimidating. It became apparent that it was to be of no use. This girl could see right through him, and he was struck by the impression that she was much wiser than her young appearance would suggest. She also looked dangerous in her black dress, even in spite of the flowing pink fabric hanging off of it. This broad looked like she's been to Death's parlour and back. Her icy gaze judged him, and a chill ran down Slick's spine.
H... hello, ma'am. Who the hell is this girl? Why was he acting this way? He is a cold-blooded killer, damn it!
Ooh, I never would have pegged you as a humble man. Interesting. Let me get right to the point. I understand you are someone who can get things done. Am I correct?
Of course. I run the Midnight Crew. Perhaps you've heard of us? We're very familiar with solving... problems. Why is he telling her this? He doesn't even know her!
Excellent. Yes. You're coming with me, Slick~ Oh, that's hilarious.
Why the hell would I do that?
Oh, you can't resist. You don't have a choice, and you know it.
It was true. He did know it, but it didn't make him hate it any less.
I know you've been dealt an unfair hand, Slick. Maybe, with the help of you and your crew, we can shuffle things around a bit. Maybe we can beat the House. I know an alternate-timeline version of you who could sure stand to get his deck cut, if you're willing to help. And maybe, if you play your cards right, you won't have to play Solitaire so often anymore, Spadesy.
For the first time in his life, Spades Slick blushed.
Dad huddled beneath the tree, his clothes soggy and already beginning to ice over, a thin sheen of frost on the tip of his tie, a rim of small icicles on his hat. His hands trembled as he moved to light his pipe - a single strike, then another. He did not curse the cold, even as he struggled. He simply persisted until that cherished park came to life, and he had a chance to give a small puff on his pipe. He leaned back against the trunk and thought back of how he had come to this point...
They had entered the game, obviously. His son, his brave, strong son, had been doing so well. John had truly become a man. And then he had met the amazing Ms. Lalonde. The woman who had haunted the edge of his dreams, glimpsed once before on a day full of surprises, had returned to his life, and he had found his soulmate. And then, in less than a day, it had all dissapeared like smoke in the wind.
The breeze kicked up the snow around him as he looked up, high above the flurries of snow, deep into the darkness of sky at the form of the devastated Skaia. They had been so close - they were so very close to creating a new world. A world where they could lead a happy life together, a world bit from the dreams of their children.
And then the scratch had happened. The crackle of purple lightning as the very fabric of reality ripped apart, just as they were about to open the door to their new world. The kids sent him away, though he had wished to help. He knew how much their strength outclassed your own, but Rose... she had known something in advance, and had made Dad promise to run should this ever happen.. That if he loved her mother, should the purple lightning ever come, he would take her to safet. Only Bro remained behind, as the two fled with Mr. Harley to the airship. Looking back, Dad saw that Bro was the first to fall.
But the creature had pursued them, somehow. Wearing a red pack that belched flames, he left the battlefield just long enough to deliver Harley's ship a single blow, sending it crashing to the planet far below, before returning to finish off the wounded.
Dad glanced around at the fading light, and moved his hand up to conceal the glow of his embers. In his heart, though, he knew it was a futile gesture - he knew how ruthlessly the creature had hunted them, toyed with them, subjugated them one by one, until only Dad was left. And now, it was his turn. In the darkness, he heard the sound of a twig snapping beneath the persistant wheel of the demon that had come to lay waste to their session, a creature of anger and rage and violence, channeled into a vehicle of unstoppable destruction.
Dad stood, shaking the ice from his hat. He had run far enough. Harly was gone, trying to give them time to escape. Lalonde had fell hours later, and the creature had simply grinned at him as Dad ran away. It had let him live - toying with him, juggling him.
He was tired of running. He would stay, and fight. He laid his plans...
Fifteen minutes later, he heard the approach of his pursuer. Dad waited, patiently, until it stepped out of the opposite side of the clearing, emerging from the tree line, and approaching the large oak under which Dad stood, waiting.
Dad reached for his mouth, removed the pipe, and held it at arms length before dropping it. The shaving cream the covered the clearing, blending in perfectly with the snow, erupted into a blaze of flame. The wild fire of dying hope. Dad could smell the melting of rubber as the flames closed in on him, and knew that even if it somehow killed the demon, he would not survive its heat in his small circle of clear snow. He felt the tree catch behind him, and knew that his time was short.
But it did not kill the demon - the creature stepped from flames, burning, clearly injured, but seeming not to care. A mad gleam sparkled in its eyes, it's hair became a wreath of fire penetrated by two imposing horns, as it stepped towards Dad and readied its club.
"HONK
honk
MOTHER
fucker"
Dad just grinned as he pulled a small string by his head. With a cracking of branches, the limbs above gave way, releasing the last of his payload. A half ton of shaving cream and one slightly used car.
The car honked back, but ended its response with a shout pole.
BEEEEEEEP---BOOM
Dad slammed the cake into the demons unsuspecting face just before the impact. A mile away, a single lit candle lodged itself into the snow.
While not the most inherently powerful of vessels, Octavian's Widow had the great edge in agility. Cannons had their use, but the mark of a true commander was to carry the fight to the enemy's deck, engage them on their stand and emerge victorious. And the infamous Captain of Octavian's Widow carried an impressive record of such victories. Carrying hand held weaponry capable of sinking cannon-laden vessels on a good night didn't hurt either.
The “good night” caveat was the eternal burden of the terrible Gamblignants and their unfortunate crews. Skill and weapons and extraordinary powers were meaningless to such reckless marauders, insisted the Captain. The only thing that mattered was winning, and the only way to win was luck. Well, and the weapons, since they were luck-based too. And the skill, since no proper gambler would be caught dead not cheating. And the extraordinary powers... the point being-
A dangerously close call shook the Quartermaster from his reverie, and back to navigating the Widow through the perilous shallows toward the theoretical X on the map. The last thing he needed was an angry captain, not that she really needed a reason to exact vengeance on anyone, least of all her truly unfortunate crew. As the vessel carried on through the moonlit mists, the towering rocks gave way to towering plinths, engraved with gruesome warnings, and worse, to those who crossed their boundary.
As if on cue, sensing the tedious aspect of sea travel giving way to the exciting, the Captain at last emerged from her quarters. The Quartermaster instinctively shrunk aside as she seized the helm in dramatic fashion, map and greatcoat fluttering in the breeze, and stared up in inescapable awe. The great Marquis Spinneret Mindfang, looming over all with the aid of great red jackboots and an outlandish hat and set of horns. Sharpest of daggers, hottest of irons, most patient of hunters.
“Goddammit, how long is this going to take?” Two out of three wasn't bad. “As if looting a moldy pile of rocks wasn't 8ooooooooring enough, first we gotta sail halfway across the-” As if on a further cue, the Widow came to a worryingly splintered halt in the midst of the carved spires. Nameless seatrolls clattered to the deck, and the Quartermaster extricated his horns from the woodwork. The Marquis freed herself from the helm and pulled the rapidly dampening hat from her eyes. She fixed her signature spectacles to better search the murky cove they had stalled in, supernatural eyesight confirming her suspicions with a quick glance at the map.
“Well fuck, that wasn't so... I mean, at last! We've arrrrrrrrived! Look alive, you worthless dogs! Roll out the plank and form a searching party. There's loot and 8ooty ripe for the t8king, with no one to stand in our way! Haaaaaaaa, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!” The great and awesome Marquis let the peal of laughter hang in the air as she strode down to the railing, pirates scuttling about to fulfill orders spoken and not.
Master Gamblignant Captain Marquis Spinneret Mindfang feared no troll alive, and with her erstwhile ally and all her meddlesome principles occupied elsewhere tormenting some pathetic Boy-Skylark (would that she could have traded places), the Marquis would normally have been free to wreck havoc at the expense of anyone she wished. But unclaimed treasure and adventure were hard to pass up, and it was the opportunity she was handed this night. That opportunity lay within the mighty, ancient city ahead in the mist, unclaimed and adventurous.
Of course, she wasn't totally crazy, even for a Gamblignant, and wasn't about to sashay into danger unarmed. Her weighty bag of enchanted dice would serve her well, thoroughly if unpredictably obliterating foes foolish enough to stand in her way. A handful of D4's, though awkward and a bit painful to hold, would surely do the trick against any psycho ruin-beasts arrayed before her. Complimenting the dice would be a trusty dagger from her boot. Although not a Gamblignant's weapon, what self-respecting blueblooded aristocrat would be caught dead without a dagger to slip in someone's back? Not to mention tossing a bunch of enchanted dice everywhere got to be a pain in the ass. While the crew cowered and followed their Captain only reluctantly, magnifying her bravery and presence in their fear just as they were supposed to, the Marquis would not be deterred. Armed and accompanied, nothing would stay her from victory.
The Gamblignants may have been famous for their crazy risks and crazier luck, but they kept all the luck to themselves. All of it. Leaving none for their truly unfortunate crews, and Marquis Mindfang was particularly famous for how fast her fiery irons tended to burn through her crews. An hour later, Mindfang was even moldier and mustier, and practically steamed as she watched her Quartermaster fade into dimensionless smoke like the forgettable nonentity he was, leaving her completely alone far under Alternia's surface. In that hour, not one of the crew had seen their demise coming, or much of anything else for that matter, save a parade of sprung traps and ambushing creeps. With nobody real or otherwise left to comment on anachronism – and more importantly, now plenty angry – Captain Mindfang dug out her palmgrub and waited for a good signal.
arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling apocalypseArisen [AA]
AG: Megido, what the fuuuuuuuuck?
AG: Your campaign and your stupid ruins are one 8ig st8ming moldy pile of hoof8east shit!
AA: im s0rry captain serket
AA: i th0ught y0u wanted a challenge
AG: Don't g8 cute with me! This is just a 8unch of cheap tricks and traps soaking up all my gr8 attacks.
AA: i recall y0u asked specifically for
AA: and i qu0te
AA: A danger0us and 8affling aaaaaaaadventure, w0thy 0f 0nly the 8est and luckiest risk-t8kers!
AA: unqu0te
AG: Is that what the hell this is supposed to 8e?
AG: Your idea of risky adventure sucks.
AA: isnt the essence 0f risk the unpredictablity?
AA: d0nt tell me y0uve l0st y0ure taste f0r gambling with y0ur life
AG: That's crap and you know it. There's no gam8ling going on.
AG: I'm just rolling dice at nothing out here, and watching my crew drop like gru8s.
AA: be h0nest y0u d0nt give a damn ab0ut th0se abstractions
AG: Fucking tell me a8out it. I don't even get to take any 8odies home. I'm not just doing this for kicks you knoooooooow.
AA: y0u can call it whatever y0u want
AA: anyway y0ure alm0st t0 the g00d part
AG: Woop de fucking doooooooo.
AG: And what was the point of dragging me through all that shit then, instead of putting the fun part up front, like a sane clouder would?
AA: because im a g00d cl0uder thats why
AA: y0ur vict0ry will be all the m0re impressive if y0u find y0ur riches with0ut any help
AA: w0uldnt y0u agree?
AG: Oh fuck you, my victories are always impressive.
AG: Well fine, if th8's how it's gonna 8e, then I'll scour every dou8loon and c8gar from this dirty hole.
AG: And don't think I'm gonna t8ke it easy on your precious rocks!
AA: 0bvi0usly y0u have the challenge well in hand
AA: as always
AG: Damn str8!!!!!!!!
AA: y0ure welc0me by the way
AG: Yeah yeah, thanks Aradia.
arachnidsGrip [AG] ceased trolling apocalypseArisen [AA]
Captain Vriska Marquis Spinneret Whatever stomped on down the cave. It was always caves with her. Or dungeons or ruins or caverns or crypts or all of the above. Musty moldy muddy caves. And to think that bitch of a friend would have the nerve to...
The Marquis stopped her tracks upon stumbling at the edge of a cliff. Even her experienced jaw dropped at the sight of the towering underground city Aradia managed to line up for her campaign. Great stone monoliths and pyramids all topped with looming statues that turned Vriska's awe to disgust and then rage. Ancient depictions of ancient gods, specifically the Great Spiral-Horned Devourer of Insects triumphing over its eternal foe, the Creeping Dominator of Many Eyes and Limbs.
But fury gave way to a wry smile crawling across Vriska's face. A whole entombed civilization, dormant for thousands of years, all turned open just to facilitate her entertainment. Aradia really outdid herself this time, putting something so precious on the table. Truth be told, Vriska didn't know a damn thing about archeology, and cared less; digging up the remnants of past failures was a hobby only suited to present failures, surely. But she knew Aradia sure cared about them, which would make defiling these tombs all the more satisfying...
apocalypseArisen [AA] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA]
AA: i h0pe y0ure n0t t00 busy s0llux
AA: even th0ugh im sure y0ure 0nly busy with y0ur ridicul0usly 0bscure bands
TA: man, ii got 2hit nobody but me ha2 ever heard of.
TA: you could almo2t 2ay iit2
AA: n0 n0
AA: d0nt even d0 it
AA: that cant p0ssibly be a set up f0r anything g00d
TA: good ii2n't really the poiint but okay.
TA: 2o what2 up AA?
TA: ii thought you were playiing your game2 tonight.
AA: technically i am right n0w
AA: but i have vriska running ar0und in s0me digs t0 keep her busy
TA: aren't you worriied about her fuckiing 2omethiing up?
AA: n0t really
AA: the ruins were the hide0ut f0r s0me insurrecti0nists and smugglers until the legislacerat0rs cleared them 0ut
AA: theyre t0tally stripped 0f value
TA: and what about... uh, TV and TZ?
AA: terezis adventures are always pr0cedural
AA: tavr0s is pr0bably up t0 his n00k in clues and leads
AA: but hes in n0 real danger
AA: and vriska is m0ving fast but shell be plenty busy chasing gh0sts and shad0ws
TA: you've certainly got vrii2ka...
TA: entombed.
AA: 0_0
TA: yeah, exactly.
AA: g0d that was terrible
TA: 2o you're 2ayiing we've got all niight?
AA: yes we have all the time in the w0rld
Dad: Fondly regard new look.
<Dad awkwardly sashays into the bathroom, wearing an ill-fitting red dress and platinum blonde Farrah Fawcett wig. His face is blank as normal, but caked with rouge, mascara, and poorly applied lipstick. Cal sits on the edge of the sink, dressed as normal>==>
<Zoom to Dad's feet, one of his heels breaks with a SNAP>==>
<Dad falls, crashing through the shower curtain and landing in the bathtub>==>
<Dad struggles to his feet, wrapping the curtain around him like a robe>PF: I DO DECLARE, I SEEM TO HAVE TAKEN A TUMBLE.
PF: WOULD YOU BE SO KIND AS TO HELP A YOUNG LADY OUT?
==>
<Zoom to Cal's face, staring blankly ahead with Dad's face reflected in his eyes>PF: YOUNG MAN, I AM TALKING TO YOU.
PF: WHAT'S WRONG, NEVER SEEN A PRETTY GIRL BEFORE?
PF: I AM PRETTY RIGHT?
PF: DO YOU THINK I'M PRETTY?
PF: I THINK I'M PRETTY.
PF: I AM A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT
PF: DON'T YOU JUDGE ME
==>
<Dad tears at his wig. Cal is unresponsive>PF: I AM BEAUTIFUL, IN EVERY SINGLE WAY
PF: WORDS CAN'T BRING ME DOOOOWN
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<Zoom to Cal's face>HEE HEE HAA HAA HOO HOO
Poll
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Topic: MSPA Homestuck (Read 5118214 times)