Duke 2.0: because you thought you had to consume your own urine to survive long enough to reach the point where said pool of primordial soup resided, not knowing your own immortality, your urine is now effectively sterile and the slightly acidic water only speeds up the evolutionary process toward a water-based lifeform.
However, due to the current waterless, non-oxygen-based climate of earth, this pool dies off quickly. As a result, there are no hoary marmots in the present day and the space they take up in the raws of Dwarf Fortress is replaced with a pre-3D elephant that only ever spawns as skeletal and breathes fire.
Cthulhu: Unfortunately, the rumors of Super Nazi Science/Occultism are true and the Fuhrerbunker is surrounded by those weird particles from Watchmen that prevent time travel or whatever. You are warped back to the present day, without Marylin Monroe.
thatguy: Sadly, the combined forces of the only two people on wikipedia with the surname "Franko" are not enough to defeat the Prussians, and thus the war is entirely insignificant and thus not recorded in history.
Because of this, your point of reference has no meaning and you are stuck in a time warp which causes the death clause of rule 3 to activate.
inaluct:
...
Ok, I don't even want to try and break that. That sounds WAY too awesome.
Dragooble:
It's sadly not aerodynamic and falls before reaching the target.