Like an undead ghoul from the grave, I have returned with an undeserved vengeance, my only goal to kill a couple of hours and possibly even make fun of one of your favorite games in a review the desperately needs to be run through a spell checker.
A couple of weeks ago, me, my brother and one of his friends were sitting in the living room, completely bored at about 11:50 pm, when someone suggested that we should shimmy over to the local Blockbuster and rent Star Wars: Battlefront II, an extremely fun game but I can review that game a different week. So we drove over and entered to look over the wares, only to find that they had rid of SW:BII and various other classics in order to make room for game like Hanna Montana: The Movie: The Game. What the
fuck?! Who and why the
fuck would someone make this game? Were the programmers held at gunpoint? Did the developers have to make it to fight back some eldritch abomination from the center of the earth? Did the entire dev team suffer from temporary insanity? No one would play this except the zealot and the stupid. No, no, scratch that. Even the stupid would not play that game! Why must the game archives be filled with so many lousy movie tie-ins? If they ever make a Twilight game, people are going to
BLEED.
Starting with these guys
Of course, being the sane
dwarf human that I am, I avoided such vender trash and looked for a suitable replacement for the face melting goodness that is SW:BII. However, I was disappointed to find that there was none (and that’s not just the Blockbuster, but the nearby Hollywood Videos and Family Videos too). Eventually, we decided to rent Prototype instead, which is another game with a gooey center of distilled awesome, but that’s not the game I’m going to nitpick today. Now, you’re wondering why I’m telling you this story, and I’ve kinda forgotten myself. Just let me find my notes...
Look, a distraction!
Ah, now I remember. The point is that games now-a-days seem to try to appeal to everyone, as evident of ‘casual gaming’. Many companies gut their flagship games of what really make them unique and turn it into generic game #825 in the hope that they’ll sell more copies. And the game that’s the most obvious offender (and because you guys seem to like it when I bash the survivor horror genre) is Resident Evil 5
I was expecting something more creative, but then again it is Capcom
Following a long line of games with a plot that would make the writers at Bad Robot clutch their heads in pain and bash it onto their desk, you play as ex-STARS Chris Redfield, who we had not seen since Resident Evil Code Veronica X (unless you weren’t paying attention and thought that all the games actually follow the numeral counting, in which case we haven’t seen him since the first game), and now you are in Africa working with Tricell (an anti-BOW group) to find some missing red shirts. You meet Sheva, (the replacement for Jill, who is in the game and that’s all I’m willing to reveal) find the missing troops, then go off on a wonderful adventure where you tour Africa and meet many firends and nothing interesting ever happens.
Or you would have, had the Plot not interrupted.
And by plot I mean this guy
The controls handles very well, although this is because it’s already be run though two game. If Dead Space is RE4 IN SPACE! then RE5 is Dead Space BACK ON THE GROUND! You can still beat the living crap out of the
zombie oh wait, I’m sorry I mean Las Plagas. Apparently the local undead union went on strike, and now we have to fight these knock offs. I mean, it’s Resident Evil. Half of the game is actually killing zombies (the other half is incredibly hard puzzles, more of that later). Now then...what was I talking about? Oh, right. You can still beat the shit out the Las Plagas (they still call them “monsters”, which makes me want to chew my keyboard), nothing describes the gleefulness you get when you FALCON PWANCH a group of them. The game is Co-op, and for the love of the God-Emperor, get someone to play with you. I don’t care if it’s a sibling, a parent, a trained dog, an orphan, or a hooker, do not be the fool that plays this game by yourself, as the AI is just atrocious. She’ll waste a green herb (a “healing” item), and will only use the pistol, even again the biggest fugliest boss monster you fight (and there are more than a boatload of fuck ugly monsters). There is a way to change her from delicate twat to homicidal widow maker, but the game never at any point even hints that pearl of wisdom.
At least she knew how to use a pistol
At a certain point of the game, you have to fight against a few mooks wielding guns (Oh noes, they have guns). In order to avoid being filled with more holes than the FFTA plot, you get the chance to take cover. While this would normally be fine, only you did not have to take cover before or after that chapter. It seem like I was play a cheep knock off of Gears of War. While there’s still quite a bit I want to rag on, include the “racism” (It’s Africa, of course there’s going to be black people, you morons), the asinine inventory, the abundant of brown coloring, and the removal of the Merchant (He was awesome, why would you take him out?), but I plan on focusing that on the devolution from unique survival horror to another 3rd person shooter.
Better go make yourself a sandwich for this one
When I first played Resident evil 1 (the GC remake, not the original), I was genuinely scared. A grim and dark setting where anything could attack me at anytime, with only a few bullets between me and being lunch. Wait, didn’t I burn that body? Oh god, what going to come through the window? WHY WONT THIS CRANK FIT!? OK that last one was unrelated, but you get the picture. Now here we are, almost a century later, and I feel like I should be shooting aliens with a golden desert eagle instead. Sure, I’d admit that the game was fun, but if I wanted that kind of fun there’s at least a dozen better games for it. When I want to play Resident Evil, I’m looking for a challenge. Of course, if I have to find another fucking colored jewel to open another fucking door, dropping sales will be the least of Capcom’s problems.
Boom! Headshot!
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Topic: Game Over with Luke_Prowler (Read 5936 times)