Today I learned playing a hamster-man can be pretty harsh in Dwarf Fortress.
So I played a demi-god hamster-man. Basically it is a man of very small size, with the head of a hamster. That sounds stupid ; especially when I’m told that my character is “incredibly muscular” due to the superior strength I gave him.
I ask about any trouble around, and locals tell me that a goblin army is on the march towards a hamlet in the north. I must stop them ! I find a pikeman (named “Ape”) foolish enough to join me. Mustn’t be the smartest guy around, with a name like that and so eager to join a hamster-man in a fight against dozens of blood-crazed goblins. Anyways… We arrive and see no goblins, so we go straight to their pit !
There, where I expect rapid and painful death, I encounter only a few goblins peacefully going about their daily tasks. Even a warrior passes me by and doesn’t attack me… Maybe they like hamster-men after all : I’m so fuzzy, you can’t resist such cuteness. But that’s kind of humiliating : I’m incredibly muscular, goddamit ! So I wreak havoc and attack one. With all my strength I smash, smash and smash again onto the poor bastard’s head. But I’ve got such tiny arms ! It takes me forever to finally strike him down. I kill another one in the same fashion, then me and my pal go back to the village.
Goblins everywhere ! That’s where they all were, of course. But nobody fights ! Come on farmers, don’t let those horrendous creatures steal your goods and hit on your best girls without doing anything ! Firming my two little paws on my faithful maul, I charge the closest ennemies, two wicked female goblins, one with a sword, the other with a spear. After several attempts, I manage to hit one on the head, and then.
Ho god. The bitches first slash my hand. With the cutest little squeek, I drop my maul. Then they open up my guts.”You feel sick”, the game appropriately informs me. I fall down and then they stab, stab, and stab my head again. And then again. Like, a dozen times.
Poor, poor little hamster-man.