So Q on dfhack irc found out that the sparring flag allow access to passive attacks, and setting both attackers means they won't kill each other also you can take wrestle items off people and every one else is totally fine with you doing that because your sparring.
went to town experimenting on my troops.
ahdo went up to a fellow pikewoman and sparred with her
the headbutt came from my confusion of no biting attacks on dalesman raws.
So after witnessing some awkward stormwizard pikewoman on pikewoman False_wing took off to find a vampire to recruit, end up finding an animal trainer name Shato who agreed to join him farther east to a town, F_W walk into the dungeon and found a lone kobold bowman. So I went and slap on sparring and made him a companion, once I got F_W to meet up with Shato the Kobold fired a shot right into her nose shattering it. Shato completely took that in stride for the kobold is "Sparring" though I didn't want another bow incident to happen so I sent F_W to lightly take the bow out of the kobold's hands and the three left back to the fort.
So with 2 new crew members one being the first kobold recruited I had both spar each other.
what happen was Shato over exerting her self to the point of passing out, and The Kobold lightly poking her with a dagger and this...
alternate version
So at least now I can set up a harmless bogeyman wrestling matches that doesn't end up with the cackling ending and murdering every bogeyman in the area.