Okay, I've gotten some of it done. This was actually pretty well written. I'd argue against some (not necessarily all) of the ambiguity present within, but mostly it just needs tweaking.
The sky was black. The air was cold. There were no stars that night. The secret to staying sane was keeping the eyes open. A man who closed his eyes might notice that there wasn’t much difference.
The line, “The sky was black.” Gives pretty much the same info as “There were no stars that night.” I’d eliminate one or the other. IIRC, it’s actually easier to see stars in northern latitudes, and at sea, because there’s less light pollution from land. You might want to note if the lack of stars is due to something mundane (like cloud cover) or sinister (um…evil cloud cover?)
Trault had been told this once. The old man had whispered it to him during one of their longer runs. Tonight would be the longest and greatest of them all. The ship groaned and creaked underneath him as he strained to keep his eyes open for ice.
Ice was important. The more he saw of it, the closer they were. The closer they were, the sooner he’d find out. Find out all of it. What was so special about this hunk of frosted water? They'd tell him what the big black book was, and why they had so many blood drives.
It’s tricky to write stories where you don’t want to reveal everything to the reader all at once. I get that you’re going for a bit of mystery, which is fine, and that your main character probably doesn’t even know perfectly what is going on at first, but let your audience know what he does know. Why would this be the “longest and greatest of them all”, and who is the “old man”, find out what? If your main character knows any of this it would be helpful to impart it to your reader.
It wasn't just that, either; they said learning was like chess, and just finding what this was all about would give him six extra rooks. He'd know why the sun burned, and why the ground was dirty, and what made water flow.
Not exactly clear. What do you mean by “why the ground was dirty, and what made water flow”? It would also help to find out who “they” were. Again, if the character doesn’t know much, that’s fine, but let your readers in on how much he does know.
The way his mind was going, the time went by much faster.
I’d rephrase this. Think about how somebody might interpret the statement that a character’s “mind is going”. I’m guessing you meant something like his mind was “racing” or something similar. But this could also be interpreted as meaning that they’re going crazy, which would be supported by earlier text. Note that 9 times out of 10 a savvy reader can pick up what you really mean, but the less ambiguous you are, the better.
“The time went by much faster” implies that time went by faster for this duration than during some other event. That is to say that it begs for a comparison. I’d just drop it down to something like “the time went by quickly.”, or possibly “the time just sailed by”. The latter avoids the use of an adverb and keeps with the nautical theme. Of course, “sailed” is a pretty relaxed word, and as you’re going for tension it might not work here. Just an idea.
It would've zoomed by if it weren't for the fatigue and the darkness, and the constant need to wipe the frozen crust away from his face. It wasn't long before he was stepping off the boat with the rest of his hooded comrades.
Nitpick: I’m not sure how darkness makes time pass by more slowly.
Note that when you say “comrades” you imply a level of familiarity and friendship between your character and these other people. Do these exist? Later on we are not given a sense that he really knows anyone there very well. Might be a better word here.
The others had been here first, long ago and every year since. The trail had already been blazed. Literally; they'd melted a five yard wide strip into indescribable smoothness, then tiny grooves had been added for traction, and miniscule lamps placed below to light the way, giving it an eerie luminescence.
The use of “others” implies a tie between your character and these people. Again, if he knows who they are, let your reader know. If he’s close to them in some way, show us how.
I’d ditch “indescribable smoothness” largely because indescribable is a tricky word to use, particularly in a description. Since your character is on an iceberg, it also doesn’t seem born out by the example. I think many people can understand how smooth ice can be, possibly not in such great quantities or in such a shape, but I’d say that “indescribable” is hyperbolic.
It was perfect. Trault didn't slip once. None of them did. There was only the clicking of their boots against the glassy path. Once they were out of sight of the ship, they turned a corner, and he got his first glimpse of their new home.
The phrase, “It was perfect”, is vague. This could refer to the structure of the place, the beauty of it, or just Trault’s feelings on the situation. A proper noun would help here. I’d suggest rewriting the last sentence either by changing “he” to “Trault” or by leaving the “they” as the subject of the sentence.
It was the strangest thing he’d ever seen. He could only glimpse it. As a child, he’d played games in the dark with his friends, the flashlights darting back and forth, chasing and fleeing the others. Sometimes the theme was cowboys and Indians, other days it’d be Viets and ‘Mericans, and so half the kids playing Viets would have to squint their eyes. That was what this was like; he could open his eyes as wide as he liked and he knew he could shine all the lights in the world, but the thing still wouldn’t be any easier to see than a kid in a bush in the dark through a squint with a half-dead flashlight. It managed to be hidden without hiding.
This is a really strong passage. It can be easy to forget that we sometimes need to let the reader in on character’s thoughts, and you just developed your protagonist loads by doing this.
Couple of caveats though; first I’d note what the “thing” here is. Just in a word or two. You can save the next paragraph to describe it in greater detail.
Second, since you describe a tower, make sure to note that the area opens up a bit. I was still imagining a tunnel and had to sort of rewind and rethink the environment in which I was picturing this.
What he could see, from glimpses, was that it was a tower carved from ice. It was exquisitely carved, with spirals and whirls and spikes and faces and runic symbols of old.
It sounds like this really makes an impression on your character. I’d add a little more. You could mention what the faces looked like, if any of the symbols seemed familiar, or, if none did, what they might look like to the untrained eye.
He knew what was important though, so he didn’t break rank. That would be very bad. Once, back when he was just starting, he’d asked what would happen if he tripped. The father there had said “Only what happened to Chris March.” He’d asked who Chris March was and the father just smiled and nodded.
Once more a little less ambiguity would help. My assumption is that the “father” is a religious figure. If this is true you can let your reader in on this just by adding a short description or action that implies as much, such as the father removing or putting on some amulet or vestment. It would also help to know what Trault was “just starting”, or at least to change the phrasing here. “Just starting” sounds like what a trainee might say of a new job, and almost gives a sense that this character being employed in some way.
...more to follow tomorrow...
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Topic: I like to write (Read 1556 times)