A church? There better be hotties.
f***ing dammit. She looks, like, twelve. Better than nothin', I suppose...
Okay. Pretend to be unconscious, and she'll take me to her bed and-
f*** I actually fell asleep. And she's not with me. God DAMMIT. Even if I am in a church.
Girl: Hi, I'm girl.
Shoruke: Okay I'll just call you Eleanor.
Eleanor: ...lolwut? I once saw a mermaid with golden scales. *EPIC FORESHADOWING*
Shoruke: Hey Eleanor. I got tense shoulders, can you-
*REALLY old lady walks in, she looks like Eleanor's great-great grandmother but apparently she also looks like a knight. Who wears purple?*
Old woman: Well you're awake. Are you hitting on Eleanor?
Shoruke: Wait that's her actual name? I mean, um, no?
Old woman: Okay good. I'm going shopping tomorrow and I'll take you with me. *leaves*
Shoruke: Again. f*** my life. Of all the people to get a date with, it had to be grandma.
Boisterous Man (from outside): ELEANOR! GET YOUR ASS IN HERE! IT'S TIME TO DO WHAT PRIESTS DO TO CHILDREN BEST!
Eleanor: Um, coming. *leaves*
Shoruke: f***.
Shoruke: The f*** is this? The whole world is faded parchment? And who the hell stole my money? Oh well. Guess I'll just click on the ominous red fortress symbol labeled Scabellum.
Well f***
Shoruke: Geez. What is with this world and SQUARES? I mean, Euclidean geometry is cool and all, but...
Ivanna: You have NO IDEA. The schools around here teach nothing else.
Shoruke: Yeesh.
Ivanna: Don't you know? The only non-combatants in the whole world are shopkeepers.
Shoruke: Wait. So, having forgotten the disembodied "FIGHT IT OUT" when we got here, the fact that we're in the battle screen means...
Ivanna: Yup. Any second now, enemies will appear WAY over there and we'll have a whole bunch of time to set ourselves up before we actually get down to fighting.
*time passes*
Shoruke: So are they HERE yet?
Ivanna: I dunno. Do you know about elements?
Shoruke: Every person is aligned with one of six elements, normal people including myself have access to earth, fire, wind and water, and undead people can be bane or holy. You get bonuses if you stand on terrain aligned with your element; earth is rocks and stone floors, wind is grass, water is... water... and fire is ONLY for flying characters when they're hovering above magma. If you use a weapon or spell that matches your element, it'll be stronger, and if you attack someone of the opposite element (earth vs. wind, fire vs. water) you do more damage. Does that about sum it up?
Ivanna: Well you didn't make it ENTIRELY clear that earth is the best element to have because you can find bonuses on any map, fire is the only element that can burn through grass and snow to find certain buried treasures, or that wind and water only have ANY TERRAIN BONUSES AT ALL for the first third of the game, but you got the mechanical stuff.
Shoruke: Finally.
Ivanna: No doubt. It'll be tough with just the two of us. Even though I have healing spells and a better weapon than anyone else here, and you have additional stat growth.
Shoruke: I'm still lvl1.
Ivanna: ...well f***
Shoruke: ...um, no. This game doesn't have any of those "you're supposed to lose" battles, or even any "stay alive for x turns" battles. So you're going down, b****.
*FIGHT*
*bunch of walking towards each other, one enemy uses a bow but I block it with my shield*
Shoruke: So, I have an 84% chance of hitting, and I'll do about 33 damage, and when the other guy counters he has a 52% chance of hitting and he'll do about 13 damage?
Ivanna: You're forgetting about biorhythems, they actually exist in this game. Did you check theirs? Or even yours?
Shoruke: Ya know, I really don't care about biorhythems much. The only thing they affect a whole lot is how easy it is to make someone an angel knight.
Ivanna: How do you even KNOW about those? You've never been in combat before, angels only live on this continent and you've never been outside your city before, and... and...
Shoruke: Shut up and let's do this.
Shoruke: Aw yeah.
Shoruke: Ow!
Ivanna: Jeez. You both suck.
Shoruke: Well, YOU do it then.
Ivanna: Can't. It's their turn. Oh wait, he's going for me... for whatever reason... man the AI is dumb.
Ivanna: Now that's how you do it!
Shoruke: Nice.
Ivanna: Shut up.
*couple shots later*
Shoruke: s***
Ivanna: Sucks for you.
Ivanna: Hey Shoruke.
Shoruke: WHAT?!?
Ivanna: Your face. Burn!
Shoruke: f*** all of you.
Rictor: What'd I miss?
Shoruke: All RIGHT! This is going to be EASY now, Rictor kicks ASS for the first two battles!
Orson (he's the archer): What about me? I'm going to help too.
Ivanna: You hear something?
Shoruke: Nope.
Rictor: Just the local uselessness. You get used to it.
Ivanna: I thought as much. I do live around here, you know.
Rictor: Whatever. We'll finish talking as soon as we're
technically out of combat.
*fight resumes*
Shoruke: Self Preservation. Approximately the fourth-easiest emblem to get.
Ivanna: What's easier?
Shoruke: Embodiment of Desires, Sniper, and Fist Fight. Self Preservation apparently increases my counterattack power, and I got it because I killed someone with a counter attack. I also have fist fight, because I took it off the fortune teller back in Felis.
Ivanna: I have Knight's Certificate. I've attacked people from the front or the side 25 or more times. So now I can be a knight.
Rictor: I have heavenly spirit, from doing a bunch of healing!
Shoruke & Ivanna: ... suck.
Rictor: What?!? Priests are awesome!
Shoruke: Well in the last part of the game they can use resurrection, but that's IT. They can't do anything else impressive. They have worse INT gain than clerics. And we aren't anytime close to the end of the game.
Rictor: ...Well f***.
Mullin: I'M STILL HERE YOU KNOW!
Rictor: Oh right. Lightning Bow!
Mullin: f*** I didn't get to avenge my family or whatever cliche thing it was I wanted to do. *bleh*
*CUTSCENE TIME!*
Shoruke: Dude. Aren't there, like, rules against going into random peoples' houses?
Rictor: Not in video games.
Shoruke: Oh. Right.
Rictor: So we're on this continent to beat up the soldiers of Ranaculus, to the north.
Shoruke: Okay...
Rictor: So you get to go to Formido, which is about as far east as you can go without jumping off a cliff again.
Shoruke: ...why?
Rictor: There's a plot device waiting for you. Oh, and since I'm a 'good guy' priest, I feel bad about stealing your wallet earlier, so here you go.
Shoruke: And I get my own troops right?
Rictor: Well, yeah. Can't expect you to take on Nichart with just you and Ivanna, especially when she's on AI. So unfortunately for you, you're going to have to spend your entire life savings on equipment.
Shoruke: What about food? Travel rations? Water supplies, medicine, horses?
Rictor: Hell with that stuff. It's a video game so you'll never need food, we march on foot (offscreen luckily), and medicine... heh... just use cure spells, Ivanna has one and you can buy more at the grocery store.
Shoruke: Grocery Store?
Rictor: The only shop in this whole port city. They also have weapons, clothes, and spellbooks, but nothing that could really classify as armor.
Shoruke: Kthxbai.