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Nothing.

At all.

Seriously.

[CJ1145]

Contrary to popular belief, Oldbeard does believe that some things are better now, like crossbows for instance. You could never find one capable of taking out an eye an ear and an arm in a single shot when he was a lad. Another thing that he feels has improved is the sky, back when he was little there was no sky at all and let's not forget the elephants, whom he hates with an incredible passion that the young'uns just can't understand.

There we go. Oldbeard attempts to make a crossbow specifically for killing elephants, and in the process discovers gunpowder. World's first elephant gun.

And I have to comment on the writing style again, that it's going very well. You keep the story serious, but Oldbeard's always talking in the background to keep comic relief in the setting. The rant was the best part of the update to be sure.

[TheNewerMartianEmperor]

Oldbeard's old enough to remember when the world was in 2d. It was the day when every mountain had magma, rivers and chasms and a single demon could wipe the floor with a fort of 200! Dwarfs were Dwarfs, Elves were even bigger sissies then they are now, goblins sieges had trolls and beak dogs guaranteed, elephants were the most horrifying, indestructible killing machines you could think of and carp were just an inoffensive species of ornamental fish. Back then they didn't have your fancy ''west" or your high and mighty "east", and not to mention up and down. They just had forward, backwards, topwards and bottomwise they did!

[Jackrabbit]

Intermission

In the fiery core of Mordor, in the land of middle earth, The Dark Lord Sauron confronts a Dwarf Fortress-esque marksdwarf. He boasts of his dominance before the beginning of what is sure to be a pitched battle.






Oh. Okay.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

He doesn't have organs, it would have just bounced off of him blah blah blah, Doesn't matter

[TheNewerMartianEmperor]

That's Oldbeard's favorite memory. Nowadays Iron Men don't bleed, and that upsets him.

[Vilien]

Oh Lord how did he manage to pierce the heart, lungs, kidneys, and eyes at the same time.

[corvvs]

Hall

They started to run, as, as… things started to pour through the entrance. A man shaped flame floated into the door and screamed at the retreating dwarves
“سوف تحترق! وسنعمل على عظام وليمة!”

Sorry, I'm a little late finding this awesome thread. Out of curiosity, what is the demon saying in Arabic? I recognize the preposition "to" (a'la) in the second sentence (and of course the obligatory "and" (wa) that starts it), but I don't know any of the big words.

[Flashzom]

Hall

They started to run, as, as… things started to pour through the entrance. A man shaped flame floated into the door and screamed at the retreating dwarves
“سوف تحترق! وسنعمل على عظام وليمة!”

Sorry, I'm a little late finding this awesome thread. Out of curiosity, what is the demon saying in Arabic? I recognize the preposition "to" (a'la) in the second sentence (and of course the obligatory "and" (wa) that starts it), but I don't know any of the big words.

You will burn! We will feast on your bones!
That's it.

[Jackrabbit]

Yes, God bless the power of crappy internet translators

[Limul Thak]

Yes, internet translators are in fact shitty. Babelfish, anyone?

[corvvs]

Hall

They started to run, as, as… things started to pour through the entrance. A man shaped flame floated into the door and screamed at the retreating dwarves
“سوف تحترق! وسنعمل على عظام وليمة!”

Sorry, I'm a little late finding this awesome thread. Out of curiosity, what is the demon saying in Arabic? I recognize the preposition "to" (a'la) in the second sentence (and of course the obligatory "and" (wa) that starts it), but I don't know any of the big words.

You will burn! We will feast on your bones!
That's it.

On, not to -- well, at least I remembered it was a preposition. Thanks.

[kalida99]

Would you be so kind as to add me?

Name: Private Ryan
Occupation: Marksdwarf
Recently drafted from the mountain homes, Ryan is
nervous about the war with the goblins, and what will
happen when he gets out of boot camp and on the front
line. Particularly how his family will cope if he dies...
(if you get the reference then it should provide
a more detailed backround)

[Jackrabbit]

Sure thing. Don't worry, I know the reference.

[Labs]

Heh, i would be suprised if someone didn't get the reference. 

[Jackrabbit]

Sorry about the lack of updates. Food poisoning sucks.

Main Goblin War Camp

Gaust was sweating in the heat. A goblin war camp was always hot, with the many open fires, the smiths and not least of all the torture devices. None of the goblins seemed to mind and so he couldn’t either. Damn them! When he had become chief spymaster for the dwarven kingdom, he had expected to be dealing with dissidents and rebels, not damned goblins. Ten years ago the dwarven kingdom had totally abandoned his war on the goblins after reports had show that they’re population had been decimated and would not recover and had liquefied a large amount the military, including the cross-species department of the spy system. Gaust had never been a part of that operation and had only become spymaster two years ago. But he was the best and they needed him. It was a stroke of luck that the elves had the capabilities to change him, in appearance, anyway, into a goblin. It was a dangerous and painful process but it had paid off and now he was standing at the edge of the arena, a crude ring of dirt surrounded by goblins, several of whom were wielding weapons to discourage fleeing. He was standing among goblins baying for the blood of a prisoner
   

(Think of Gaust as similar to the spy from team fortress 2. It’s obvious to everyone but the enemy)

He hated being unable to do anything but freeing the prisoners would have led to a slower death via torture. The dwarf stood at one end of the arena floor, sword in hand, no doubt praying to Erib, God of those soon to die in a particularly nasty way.* The goblin stood at the other end of the arena with no weapon, his armour shining alternately dull white and the rusty colour of blood. The goblin’s name was Geo, as far as he could discern from the excited chatter that had filled the air for the last few days, when the fight was first announced. How was he going to kill the dwarf with no weapon? Even a peasant had rudimentary understanding of a sword and was the equal of a goblin. Granted, this goblin looked rather well trained, but with no weapon, this fight would be over before it began, surely? Then again, it was obviously a reason for it and everyone expected him to win. He waited for the horn, signalling the start of the match. It sounded.
Immediately, the dwarf charged, sword held high. He was a trained soldier but was holding the sword awkwardly as if it wasn’t his weapon of choice. He swung at the goblin



(Dumb, dwarf. Dumb)

Who immediately disarmed him. He grabbed the dwarf by the neck and threw him to the ground. He proceeded to grab his arms and bend them back, snapping them. The dwarf gritted his teeth, but did nothing save spitting into the goblins face. The goblin wiped the spittle away and smiled. Then he broke the dwarfs neck. Moving to where he had thrown the sword, he took it up and stabbed it into the dwarf’s midriff, a gruesome indicator of the end of the fight.


(One thing I dislike about ascii is you can’t really convey sword-in-midriffitety very well)

The goblins went absolutely wild, screaming there heads off and throwing rotten meat at the dead dwarf. Gaust shook his head slightly and moved off.

Since coming to this camp he had learned vital information, such as goblin ambushes and movements. The plans not absolutely vital to the war effort were shared with everyone, to better increase moral. Say what you will about the ferocity and tactical genius of goblins, when it came to secrecy they were utter morons. Gaust had discovered the plans for several vital attacks as well, simply by listening to gossip. The place was a shamble of stone buildings, the main assembly area for the goblin army, which now measured just over 7,000, though spread out throughout the northern lands under goblin control.


(What’s that? Not enough smoke? Well it’s HARD, OKAY? Jerk)

The dwarven army was 5,000, the elves maintained no standing army, simply pathfinders and mercenaries and the humans had an almost entirely mounted force of 2,000 men. The goblin forces were growing every day, which was worrying on its own. At the beginning of the war, about a year ago, they had 6,000 men, a quarter of which could barely hold a weapon. Gaust didn’t think there would be such an epic boom this year, but was worried nonetheless. What was that? Ah, the call for an assembly. You didn’t have to go, but they usually relayed some sort of information, occasionally useful. He walked over there

The assembly area

The assembly area was cut off from the announcement area by a channel surrounding the place, which also restricted the amount of goblins in the area. To cross a channel meant death. The goblins knew this and held deep respect for announcers. The camps announcer entered onto the podium via the building dominating the background.
“Listen up you snot rag sons of dwarves!” roared the announcer, a role similar to that of one in a nobledwarfs court, though rather more vulgar. The crowd of green roared right back. Gaust was rather more interested in the bulky item covered in a sheet sitting next to the announcer.
“I have here something you may like! Something that will blow those disgusting shortasses away and win the war for good” The crowd was going absolutely insane and Gaust was getting worried. What was this new weapon?
“First off, well, we’ll need a volunteer” chuckled the goblin “unwrap him boys!” All the goblins turned around, looking behind them at a shrouded figure that was revealed to be a dwarf in a cage. The goblins cheered whilst Gaust played along but looked on at despair. Another dwarf dead? It was almost too much, but he was a dwarf and would not bow to terror. The goblin whistled, attracting the crowd’s attention
“Well lads, I’m sure you all want to see the main attraction! Behold!” with that, he pulled back the cover on the shrouded bulk beside him revealing- Gaust almost burst out laughing. It was a long metal tube, with wheels bolted onto the back end. What did they expect to do with this? Were they going to make the enemy laugh to death?


(Y’know how I said I didn’t want gunpowder? I thought of another option!)

The goblins in the crowd looked similarly sceptical. The announcer smiled evilly.
“Oh? So sceptical? Well, I have someone here who may change your minds! Bow, you scum! Bow before him!” Gaust blanched. It was a demon! A spirit of pure flame, hovering not 20 yards away! It looked out at the goblins and bellowed in an archaic tongue.
“انحني اجلالا واكبارا امام الرئيسية الخاصة بك ، في الخدمة!”
The goblins all bowed, some obviously terrified. The announcer glowered into the crowd and roared “Stand, scum! Witness the power of our latest weapon!” with that, the demon hovered over to the weapon and placed what looked like his palms onto it. They glowed even brighter than before, almost blindingly so, and the demon spoke.
“هذه المساحة للإيجار” he (he? wondered Gaust) intoned and the light flashed, blinding everyone for a few seconds. When sight returned, there was a rune, glowing red and engraved on the side of the weapon.


(You can’t see it from this angle. Gaust can. Trust me)

The announcer placed his hands over the rune and began to chant.


(Ominous chanting. Check another one of my “things to include” list)

He did so for about 20 seconds and with each passing second Gaust became more and more uneasy. He suddenly stopped and Gaust grinned. Nothing had happened. The goblins weapon was n-
PHWOOM


(Is that a can- *smack* No. No it is not.)

A gout of smoke burst from the opening of the tube and a white hot thing streaked across the assembled goblins heads and crashed into the cage with the dwarf.
FWOOSH


(I tried to get a massive looking explosion and fire for this scene, but it didn’t need it really)

The cage went up in flames. After a second of fierce burning, nothing was left.
“And we’ve got plenty more lads! Some are in the field right now!” the announcer laughed.
Shit. This was not good. Gaust needed to get the word away as quickly as possible. How did they manage to keep this a secret? This was bad, this was very bad.


*Shout out to y’all Blockedlance lovers out there. Peace.

[Katsuun]

Sorry about the lack of updates. Food poisoning sucks.

Main Goblin War Camp

Gaust was sweating in the heat. A goblin war camp was always hot, with the many open fires, the smiths and not least of all the torture devices. None of the goblins seemed to mind and so he couldn’t either. Damn them! When he had become chief spymaster for the dwarven kingdom, he had expected to be dealing with dissidents and rebels, not damned goblins. Ten years ago the dwarven kingdom had totally abandoned his war on the goblins after reports had show that they’re population had been decimated and would not recover and had liquefied a large amount the military, including the cross-species department of the spy system. Gaust had never been a part of that operation and had only become spymaster two years ago. But he was the best and they needed him. It was a stroke of luck that the elves had the capabilities to change him, in appearance, anyway, into a goblin. It was a dangerous and painful process but it had paid off and now he was standing at the edge of the arena, a crude ring of dirt surrounded by goblins, several of whom were wielding weapons to discourage fleeing. He was standing among goblins baying for the blood of a prisoner
   

(Think of Gaust as similar to the spy from team fortress 2. It’s obvious to everyone but the enemy)

TF2?

God damn it, you stole my idea. Awesome update by the way.