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[Aslandus]

Granted. Hundreds of people never had to witness the horror of goatse

I wish I was allergic to corn.

[Tawa]

Granted. You're allergic to Venonat, which is already a leading cause of allergic symptoms.

I wish for Vietnam.

[Eric Blank]

Granted. Thankfully, the government of Vietnam lets you off with a warning after your declaration of rulership of the nation since you're clearly insane.

I wish for a murder spree.

[Noel.se]

Granted. Someone murders a lot of bacteria responsible for dangerous illnesses.

I wish I was allergic to everything.

[Roc CURIOUSBEAST_EATER]

Granted,
But it's so mild that there's no notable effects of it.

I wish to be deader than dead

[Aslandus]

Granted, you die so hard that you go full circle and become alive again, and now you have perfect health

I wish my eyes were bleeding

[Audioworm333]

Granted. Not only that, but now you bleed only out of your eyes; a cut anywhere else will clot instantly.

I wish I was an even more horrible writer than I am now.

[Lyeos]

Granted. You misuse a comma once a year. Other than that, you're golden.

I wish my hands were on fire, permanently.

[Comrade Shamrock]

Granted, they cleanse disease and wounds. They are also pretty cool.

I wish the internet moved at snails pace for everyone.

[WillowLuman]

Granted, people go out and talk to each other and exercise while they wait.

I wish the internet was controlled by GLaDOS

[Comrade Shamrock]

Granted, but she's so busy running portal experiments to do anything malicious to it.

I wish I controlled the worlds nuclear stockpile and was preparing to launch.

[tuypo1]

granted but there all aimed at an invading alien force

[TamerVirus]

Granted but DAMMIT TUYPO, THERES NOTHING THERE

I wish for the world to freeze solid in some global warming experiment gone wrong

[Comrade Shamrock]

Granted, but because we had already migrated to Mars there is no problem.

I wish the Earth to explode in some military testing and no one had moved off of Earth.

[Aslandus]

Granted, it was the most exciting Fourth of July ever

I wish all the oceans were boiling