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[RPB]

Background:

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

This fort started as a simple exercise: I'd see how many different skills I could get a single dorf to legendary in, having him do all the skilled labor for the fort. Other dorfs can haul etc. but aren't allowed to train anything except social skills (although I'm not ruling out suicide mining assignments for them); they can serve in the military, but can't spar for experience. I wasn't planning on making a story of it but the results have been proving somewhat amusing so I figured I'd write it up.

I'm 8 or 9 years in, so I'm writing this from notes taken during gameplay. It'll probably take me a while to catch up though.

Journal of Kol Hammershields, 12th Moonstone 62:
Word has arrived from Shieldluster: the Queen tires of her castle and has commanded the establishment of a new Mountainhome. Finally, a task worthy of my great skill! Admittedly I have no experience in mining, architecture, masonry, mechanics, or carpentry--but never mind! Quickly I set out to Shieldluster to volunteer my services.

17th Moonstone 62:
The Queen is impressed by my proposal, probably because it artfully neglected to mention that I have no training in any trade which could be remotely useful in erecting a great dwarven hall. No matter. I manage to convince her that I am a great hunter and get a crossbow and some hunting gear out of the deal. Now that I have my commission I'll figure out this whole construction business I guess.

3rd Opal 62:
Apparently she wasn't the only one that was impressed. I've already attracted half a dozen hangers-on. From what I can tell none of them have any skills in construction, which makes them marginally less qualified to build a Mountainhome from scratch than I am, but they all seem eager to get in on the ground floor of the empire's new capital site. Magnamin... magnamoniou... magnaninomio I decide to be really freaking nice and let them tag along anyhow. Especially that hottie Rovod. Man, check out the beard on HER!

1st Granite 63:
We've arrived! Drawing on my genius for naming (surpassed only by my genius for everything else) I declare that we shall henceforth be dwelling in the mighty halls of Dwellhalls. Urist Channelyears calls this name "unoriginal". Prick. It's not unoriginal, it's classic! And classy. Yeah.

Screw him. I set to work building our new home. Strike the earth!

5th Granite 63:
It is completed. Behold!



Sodel Shankbridge points out that it's just a bunch of cots under a crude wooden lean-to. These guys seemed a lot less dickish before I led them into the unforgiving wilderness promising to build them a grand palace. I tell them that this is merely temporary shelter while I build the real Mountainhome. I figure that should buy me some time, so I sneak off to my "office" (cleverly built on the other side of the peak from their cots, away from their prying eyes) and "plan". I uh don't have the slightest clue how to scribe blueprints or anything though. To pass the time I take to counting our supplies repeatedly under the pretense of actually working.

11th Slate 63:
Still no ideas comin. I got a really good count of our supplies though. Like, really good.

This would probably be more impressive if it weren't for the fact that I still have the manifesto showing an exact count of all the supplies we brought.

15th Slate 63:
I guess I was wrong when I said this lot had no skills. Apparently they are all Legendary Pains-in-the-Asses (Rovod excepted). This Fath Atticnotches bloke is managing to be an even bigger pain than the others. Seems he doesn't get along with any of them, but he chooses to hang out with them and get more and more annoyed. I pointed out there's a big bloody mountain all around us, but he still has to pick the exact same spot to hang about as them. And now he's whining at me about it!

There's a great big chasm to the southeast, so I declare Fath the official Giant Cave Spider Inspector and tell him to go investigate.

20th Slate 63:
Fath returns. This is doubly disappointing since 1. we have no giant cave spider silk to offer the Queen and 2. we still have Fath. I dress Fath down and tell him to look harder.

7th Hematite 63:
I am getting really super awesome at counting our supplies. Unfortunately my well-honed counting skills are telling me that our stock of food is going down. This is problematic.

The east side of our peak isn't as rocky as the rest of it, so I scratch out a sandy plot and bury a few plump helmet spawn. That's how it works, isn't it? Guess we'll find out.

12th Hematite 63:
While "tending" to our crops (a process which mostly consists of staring at the dirt for lack of any actual farming ability) I notice some really annoying sounds in the air. It seems that big ol pit is infested with cave swallowmen. I promote Fath to scarecrow and post him at the edge of the hill to spook them away.

15th Hematite 63:
After failing to drive the swallowmen away I let Fath take the crossbow; hell, it's not like I know how to work it. This works better. I was pretty leery about giving a disgruntled subordinate a deadly weapon, but he seems to have cheered up considerably since I posted him to chasm duty. Weird bugger.

23rd Malachite 63:
Fath is whining that he's out of bolts. Normally this wouldn't bother me except the cave swallowmen are coming back. Luckily they're all a bunch of slobs and they've left the cast-off remains of their meals all over the floor of the lean-to fortress. I manage to whittle some turtle bones into something vaguely resembling bolts. Fath is happy slightly less depressed.

25th Malachite 63:
We're supposed to be getting a caravan to check up on us in a few months, so while I'm at it I carve the turtle shells into some crafts so we'll have something to show. Urist is dubious. "I don't think they're going to be impressed by some turtle shell fragments." Prick.

13th Galena 63:
The others are duly unimpressed by my superdwarvenly counting abilities. Rather than admit that I'm barely certain which end of a pick is the business end, I claim that my months of "work" in the office have left me soft (although strangely I feel more fit than ever) and that I need training to get back into shape before getting to work proper.

3rd Limestone 63:
I've managed to cobble together some kind of screw mechanism. I vaguely recall have seen something like it once in a pump station. The others are starting to pressure me to show some results so I tell them it's for the moat. Urist points out that we have no moat and that the only digging I've done is etching out a half-assed plot in the side of the peak. Can you believe this guy? I yell at him for his appalling lack of foresight. This seems to get the others to back off. Meanwhile I practice running the screw pump, claiming I need the exercise.

20th Limestone 63:
The caravan has arrived. I think Urist was probably right about the shell crafts, come to mention it. Their wagons are full of the same kind of junk anyhow though, so no big loss. They don't have anything worth trading for, but I do manage to barter the shell
crap crafts to a couple of the guards in exchange for their lunch.

18th Sandstone 63:
This is bad. We're almost out of booze. I was kind of hoping the caravan would bring some booze. I was thinking we could at least jump them for their personal supply. You'd think they'd at least issue booze rations for the guards, right? Apparently they must make them drink water. I wonder how bad you gotta screw up to get THAT job.

Since I am nominally a great outdoorsdwarf I volunteer to head into the valley to gather plants to brew. If nothing else this means that I am far away from the others when they discover they're out of booze.

11th Moonstone 63:
I have discovered approximately 23 different varieties of grass that cannot be brewed into alcohol and one that can. Unfortunately it's not easy finding the one that can. I've managed to extract some seed-looking things from the few clumps of it I've gathered and plant them in the ground. With luck this means that more of it will grow, if I understand how this farming business works. It's working for the underground plants at least.

28th Moonstone 63:
Fath is starting to get bored of standing out in the rain shooting swallowmen and stray wolves, so I relieve him from his post. Most of the swallowmen have been scared good and far away by now.

17th Opal 63:
Fath wastes no time remembering how much he loathes everyone else and soon works himself into a temper tantrum. He smashes one of half the chairs in our dining hall. That dick! Now everyone is wanting me to share my private table. I order him back to his post.

26th Opal 63:
Fath seems to have cheered up a bit from standing around taking potshots at swallowmen. Fath creeps me out sometimes.


Year end summary 63: Kol is up to Legendary Record Keeper. Currently training Pump Operator. Next year: productivity maybe?

[ToonyMan]

Let's see how tough, agile, and strong this dwarf can become!

[gumball135]

This looks awesome. How's the fortress doing now that it's in year 8/9?

[RPB]

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Good news and bad news on that front. The bad news is that it's way more interesting to play it than it is to write up its history. The good news is that that means this story is going to get really awesome down the line.

16th Granite 64:
Dwellhalls has made it through its first resoundingly successful year! The others still seem pretty pissed about it, but then elven traders show up. Obviously they were attracted by the fame and glory of Dwellhalls. That shut those whiners up.

I show the elves our badly mangled turtle carcasses shell-based jewelry and they turn green with envy. One of them even dribbles a little bit of vomit of envy! They seemed to pack up pretty quickly after that. I can only assume they were embarrassed that their own meager offerings could not compete with my classy luxury goods. Oh well.

21st Granite 64:
She said yes! I popped the question to Rovod and she said yes! "Hey baby, wanna screw?" Dayumn. I am a freaking romantic genius! I throw a party in the crevice where our tables grand hall. The elves politely make their excuses.



27th Slate 64:
Fath is grumbling about long duty hours again so I give him a furlough. He promptly resumes sulking.

11th Felsite 64:
That weaselly ratfink Sodel tries to one-up me by hooking up with Astesh and throws his own party. Oh well. Frankly I don't care what those useless sods do as long as they stay out of the way.

13th Felsite 64:
Fath crashes Sodel's wedding and hospitalizes Sodel and Urist. I promote him to provisional junior cadet and set him back on duty before he hurts someone who doesn't suck Rovod.

20th Felsite 64:
A carrier pigeon from the Mountainhome arrives. Apparently no one is bothering to migrate to Dwellhalls. Clearly they are intimidated by my progress!

2nd Hematite 64:
Sodel has recovered from his injuries and promptly resumes his wedding party. Meanwhile I'm just grinding away on my exercise pump machine thingy. By now I can get it going fast enough that the wood starts to smolder. Sodel and Astesh express concerns that our wooden lean-tos next to it are a fire hazard, so I might have to find something else to do.

13th Malachite 64:
Odd, no humans have showed up to trade. Normally they flock to dwarvish settlements like flies, like flies that are bigger than dwarves and drive wagons and don't fly (I have "trained" on the screw pump about as much as I can so I am working on training my poetic license now). I guess the elves warned them they shouldn't even bother showing up unless they have some really impressive trade stuff? Unfortunately this means I have to waste time trying to feed these other bums.

21st Galena 64:
Fath is starting to get angry slightly angrier than normal again. While the incident from his last break was amusing I don't want any deaths on my hands, so to keep him segregated I carve him his own private statue garden so he doesn't have to hang out with the others.

22nd Galena 64:
From his sickbed Urist points out that Fath's statue is barely distinguishable from any other boulder on the mountainside. I start to regret not having turned Fath loose on him again, but I can't reverse my prior decision. If nothing else, a leader must always be divisive!

23rd Galena 64:
Urist somehow got hold of this journal and says I meant "decisive". Prick.

17th Limestone 64:
The caravan arrives again. This time they brought some actual food and booze. At first they don't seem to think my shell crafts are worth enough to trade but then they see Urist laid up and let us have some of the provisions. Sodel says this means they decided to take pity on us. I yell at him for his lack of faith and astutely point out that they were just intimidated by the obvious evidence of Fath's disturbing sociopathy prowess in battle.

15th Moonstone 64:
In honor of a successful trading season I decide to throw another party. The others are not impressed and are close to mutiny. Pressed to show progress on the construction of the new Mountainhome, I start "breaking the ground for the foundations". I pick the bit on the top of the nearby foothills and start leveling it out. I figure starting at the top there's less risk of collapse if I screw something up.

13th Opal 64:
Rovod just gave birth to a beautiful baby girl! Phew, for a while there I was worried she was getting FAT. We name her Nil Pageshield.

23rd Opal 64:
Naturally Sodel and Astesh have to copy us, so Astesh poops out a kid too. They name him Litast Ransackedtrades. I think there is a subtle criticism there of my business acumen! I order Urist to throw the lot of them in prison. Urist points out that 1. he is still bedridden with a broken back and 2. we do not have a prison, let alone any actual buildings whatsoever. I chew him out for being defeatist.


Year end summary 64: Kol racks up a second legendary in Pump Operating in spite of the constant diversion of trying to produce food/booze for everyone. Currently working on mining which is progressing really quickly. No migrants whatsoever--I've never actually had a fort completely fail to attract any immigrants for the first two years! I am proud. Population is up to 9 due to births though.

[hillburra]

You sir, are a genius

i lol'd so hard at some of the lines

I yell at him for his lack of faith and astutely point out that they were just intimidated by the obvious evidence of Fath's disturbing sociopathy prowess in battle.

[RPB]

From the journal of Kol Hammershields, year 65:

3rd Granite 65:
It's been a while since Fath has complained about anything so I decide to check up on him to see if he's okay. Disappointingly, he is, although he seems to be muttering to himself an awful lot. He keeps mentioning several strange names.

10th Granite 65:
Oh. Apparently he's been giving these names to the cave swallowmen.

"Like pets? Friends?" I ask him.

"Ayup. I bin starin down these cliffs fer two years keepin yew rat bastards safe 'n sound. S'times I feel like these guys are my only friends in the HAY! HEY LOLOR WHAT THE BLOODY HELL ARE YEW DOIN OVER HERE HUH? EAT TURTLE BONE YOU FEATHERY-FACED SONS A BITCHES MWAHAHAHAHA SUCK IT YOU SORRY ASSED BIRDS huh. Now where wuz I?"

Note to self: tell Rovod to keep our daughter far, far away from Fath.

21st Granite 65:
The elves are back. After they snubbed me at my wedding I feel like sending them packing again but Rovod reminds me that our food and booze are running low. Rather than stoop to farming again I try carving out some of the excess rock from my "construction site" into some useful trade goods.

5th Slate 65:
The elves seem enchanted by my vaguely muglike rocks magnificent stone goblets and hand over some booze and berries. Sodel and the rest seem less than impressed, but I'll show 'em. I start practicing more mugs using the massive stone stockpile from my quarrying.

17th Felsite 65:
My mugs are starting to get even better. Some of them even hold liquid now! Speaking of things getting better Urist also seems to be recovering unfortunately. He still seems to think the mugs won't be enough for any serious trading. Fortunately I've found some cool reddish looking rock so I can make some really fancy mugs now.

20th Felsite 65:
Urist tells me the red rocks are hematite and that's where iron comes from and I'm wasting all our iron supplies. How dumb does he think I am? I know what iron looks like.

18th Hematite 65:
Human traders finally show up with their wagons, and they seem really eager to buy my cool red rock mugs. Hah, I knew it. I am awesome. In return I buy us an anvil (made of REAL IRON URIST stupid ass) more provisions and also a shield. We're still shorter of food than I'd like though.

7th Malachite 65:
Nevermind. A swarm of rhesus macaques just descended on our trade depot. Between Fath and the caravan guards we have macaque meat to last for a while.



16th Limestone 65:
The yearly caravan from the Mountainhome returns. I had given them a shopping list last year of all the precious metals and gems we would need to build our newer and better Mountainhome. At the time they didn't seem too happy about bringing a wagonload of valuables to a raggedy lean-to selling bits of turtle shell unfinished-but-still-mighty mountain stronghold, but they changed their tune when they saw the mugs I had to offer this time.

2nd Sandstone 65:
Apparently my stone crafts are becoming quite the international fad, as one might expect! A kobold showed up and made off with one of the red ones. A few of his buddies tried to nick a couple more, but the caravan guards got them.

11th Sandstone 65:
The carcasses of miscellaneous trespassers are starting to pile up, so I take some of the bones and try to make something useful out of them. Fath seems disturbingly eager at the prospect of getting to shoot kobold bones at the swallowmen.

13th Timber 65:
I have a son! Rovod gave birth to a baby boy, Goden Tickarmors. Er. I'll have to talk to her about letting me name the next one.

3rd Moonstone 65:
Urist has made a full recovery. Now he can go back to work doing whatever it is that he does, besides being annoying nothing nevermind.

15th Moonstone 65:
I think fame has its drawbacks. More kobolds have shown up trying to get at my rock mugs, now that they're fancier than ever. Fath chases them off with his newly-carved kobold bone bolts.

"COME BACK HERE YE WEE BASTARDS I'MA SHOOT YA KOBOLDS WITH SOME BITS OF OTHER KOBOLDS!"

O... kay. I think once he empties his quiver firing at his swallowman friends I'm not making him any more bolts. He's starting to creep me out (more).

22nd Moonstone 65:
BASTARDS! While Fath was distracted chasing kobold thieves baby Goden was taken by goblins. Another kidnapper bags little Nil. Luckily Fath caught him. I've taken away his bolts, but that didn't stop him from bludgeoning the poor goblin to death with his crossbow.

24th Moonstone 65:
Remarkably Rovod doesn't seem very upset by having her infant son snatched from her arms and almost losing a daughter. "At least they'll be raised in an actual fortress with real walls and a roof," she remarks. Et tu, Rovod?!

Maybe she's right. Okay, maybe I know jack all about masonry, but I'm damn well going to learn.

10th Opal 65:
Nil has started walking! I'm so proud. By Armok I'll give her a better home than this thrice-forsaken hovel an even better fortress to live in! But first, we celebrate! Now that Nil is a year old it's time for the traditional first keg.

21st Opal 65:
Everyone's mostly over their hangovers from the party and I've managed to carve us some vaguely square-like blocks, so I order those useless layabouts to start building our new home. I figure stacking bricks is within their capabilities.

I hope I'm right.



Year-end report for year 65: Kol is up to triple legendary (Record Keeper, Pump Operator, Mining) and is coming along well on stone crafting and now a little bit of masonry.

Next year: Migrants?! And lots of other stuff.

[RPB]

The Journal of Kol Hammershields, Year 66:

20th Granite 66:
It looks like the elves have learned their lesson and finally got their act in gear. Instead of their typical assortment of hippie clothes and berries they brought us a GRIZZLY BEAR to trade. I thought my new fort was shaping up to be pretty awesome before but now I have a GIANT BEAR to EAT PEOPLE that try to break in. Construction has barely started and the walls already tend to wobble utilize innovative flex-based construction technologies but this is already like the best fortress ever.

22nd Granite 66:
I feel like celebrating our newfound bear-having-ness, but we're at a critical phase of construction and I can't really spare any AW HELL who am I kidding? EVERYBODY PARTY!

11th Slate 66:
Oy, that was some party. Has anyone seen my other xPig tail sockx? Back to work.
 
I wonder if it's too late to change the name of our fortress tO Bearhalls. Sodel says it's already on all the maps as Dwellhalls, so probably is. Dang.

16th Slate 66:
Woah, I guess news travels fast. Seventeen dwarves arrived from the (old) Mountainhome wanting a part of awesome bear-having fortress. This is going to be a pain keeping track of them all. I just hope they don't get underfoot.

19th Slate 66:
Arg, too late. I can't believe these schmucks. I take a break from my labors and call a meeting to lay down some ground rules for the newbies.

24th Slate 66:
Um. Did our bear used to have that many pieces?



This is bad. I pin the blame on Urist and order him keel-hauled. He says that this is something that is done on ships and we don't have any ships and we're nowhere near any oceans. I cleverly point out that this is exactly the kind of attitude that lost us our awesome bear in the first place.

26th Slate 66:
SWEET MERCIFUL ARMOK THERE IS A HUGE BAT EATING PEOPLE DEAR GOD WE ARE ALL GOING TO

27th Slate 66:
Fath has attacked the bat with his crossbow. This would have been more effective if he had attacked it with crossbow bolts. I am told he has made it to the pit where the cots hospital and is recovering, but on the bright side the bat has retreated a bit. I resume the meeting.

2nd Felsite 66:
DAMMIT BAT QUIT EATING PEOPLE WHEN I AM TRYING TO LECTURE THEM THIS IS NOT ON THE MINUTES FOR THE MEETING OH GOD IT'S COMING BACK HELP US FOR THE LOVE OF

3rd Felsite 66:
Interesting fact! It turns out that giant bats die if you remove their kidneys with a mining pick. I did not know this. I bet that cocky know-it-all Urist didn't either, for that matter.

Our food supplies are starting to look kind of shaky with all these new worthless parasites valued dwarven citizens aw who am I kidding? worthless parasites to feed, so I boost our food stock with some timely -giant bat biscuits-.

12th Felsite 66:
One of the newbies found my bat-cooking skills so inspirational that he has worked himself into some kind of strange frenzy. He seems to be dribbling green foam and muttering Zasrul. He grabbed a chunk of shale and some worthless bars of metal from the trade depot and locked himself in our my craft shop. I am not sure what he is doing in there but it seems to involve horking up a lot of xgiant bat biscuit chunksx.

21st Felsite 66:
Thikut the inspired stone carver has produced a shale earring he calls The Crystalline Silvers. Hmph, I could've done that if I wanted to. It is encrusted with Shale and encircled with bands of Shale and has an image of shining suns in nickel silver. It is also encrusted with spikes of Dwarven vomit but he says that should be better after a good wash.

2nd Hematite 66:
As I walk to our construction site I trip over the rotting of some faceless dwarf. By faceless I don't mean that he was anonymous and beneath my notice (although he was) so much as I mean that his face was eaten off by giant bat. I figure we should probably do something about this, so I start asking around.

3rd Hematite 66:
Apparently the dead dwarf's name was Rith Boltedmighty. When I asked some of the other newbies what he did they tell me he was a brewer. A BREWER. Damn you hellbat! I hope you burn in hell. In bat hell. I am not sure how exactly bat hell differs from regular hell but I figure it must be extra bad for bats.

Well, this won't do. As a man of booze we must give him a sendoff in STYLE. I order Astesh to do the honors because the giant monster infested pit creeps me the hell out I have important FORTRESS BUILDING STUFF to do.



Godspeed, Rith Boltedmighty! We commend unto Armok whatever bits of you he can find.

5th Hematite 66:

Apparently Astesh has outdone herself for uselessness. She managed to drop herself in the chasm at the same time she sent Rith's casket down, and took Sodel's brat with her. Oh dear we are all very sad.

6th Hematite 66:
Well, some of us are less sad than others.



I like this guy. Maybe there's hope for these newbies yet.

15th Hematite 66:
Okay, get this. Another Urist showed up in our immigrant group and he's being just as annoying as the other one. Do parents name their kids Urist if they turn out to be annoying or does the name just make them that way? Damn.

Anyhow, he's acting all creepy and secretive and demanding rough green glass. What the hell Urist does it look like I have any glass? Annoying Urist other annoying Urist claims that you can make green glass by melting down sand. Clearly he is full of it but just to prove him wrong I put together a furnace and feed a few logs in to melt down some sand.

19th Hematite 66:
Alright, I have some green glass now of uncertain provenance which totally did not involve melting sand like a dumbass Urist. Whiny Urist grabs the glass and takes over my craft shop. Dammit! How am I supposed to make my awesome mugs (for which Dwellhalls is rightly reknowned in song and story) if these idiots keep grabbing the craft shop every time they have some half-assed idea?

28th Hematite 66:
Urist is finished with his work, an alder drum which he calls "Worthyequal". Hah hah, nice try asshole. You can't expect someone like me to treat you like an equal just because you made a spikey drum. The bands of cave swallowman bone are kind of a nice touch although Fath seems a little too approving of them for my comfort.

17th Limestone 66:
HOT DAMN those jackasses finally finished building my tower. I'm getting pretty good with this masonry crap so I spiff it up with some nice furniture and viola wallah voiwalla check it out! Let's see you greenskin bastards steal my kids outta this, punks!



Urist asks me which room is his. I just stare at him blankly until he goes away. Do I look like I'm made of towers or something? Jeez.

The crafts shop keeps getting ganked by random crazies so I figure I might as well keep training my masonry instead of making more mugs. Who knows, maybe someone else will eventually be useful enough to warrant their own hut or something.

20th Limestone 66:
Our liaison from the Mountainhome comes back with the caravan, but then they turn around and run away when a stray cave swallowman spooks them. I tell Urist to have Fath executed for dereliction of duty, but Urist points out that Fath has been lying in bed with a mangled leg for the past five months so I generously give him a pardon. This time.

12th Sandstone 66:
Apparently some goblins did not get the memo about my kids now being protected by AWESOME BADASS TOWER. Also, me!



11th Moonstone 66:
Like clockwork Mestthos the Jeweler decides he has to make one of these artifact things that are so popular with the kids now. At least he doesn't steal my crafts shop like the others. Unfortunately he just stands around looking creepy instead. I think he expects me to build him a jeweler's shop. I got better things to do jerkoff but since I am incredibly exceptionally nice I build it for him anyhow.

19th Moonstone 66:
So now we have a chrysoprase crown I guess, "Mournedfluke the West Curiosity". What a retarded and yet strangely apt name. It's kind of a puke green color so I order a few of my lackeys to wash it off but unlike Thikut's earring this doesn't help any.

23rd Opal 66:
Damn, I am getting pretty awesome at this masonry stuff. I am like a block-carving MACHINE. We kind of need someplace to put them though, because they're really starting to clog up my workspace here! We still have most of the wood I swindled from the Queen so I start trying to carve some bins to store them.

2nd Obsidian 66:
Rovod gives birth to a new son to replace the one the goblins got. She insists on naming him Rakust Holelash. Seeing how I am responsible for letting our previous son get kidnapped by goblins victimized by circumstances completely beyond my control I humor her, but I am totally naming the next one. Right?

Year end summary 66: Population: 24. Casualties: 3. Legendary skills: 4. Unnecessary colons: Four and counting.

[Lord Dullard]

Ahaha. This is brilliant. Keep it up, for Armok's sake.

[Creamcorn]

5th Hematite 66:

Apparently Astesh has outdone herself for uselessness. She managed to drop herself in the chasm at the same time she sent Rith's casket down, and took Sodel's brat with her. Oh dear we are all very sad.

6th Hematite 66:
Well, some of us are less sad than others.



I like this guy. Maybe there's hope for these newbies yet.

I like this fortress.

[RPB]

(IMPORTANT BACKGROUND NOTE: This is actually the second fort on this particular world. My previous one I was playing normally, for efficiency, so I was getting pretty bored and had modded the goblins post-worldgen with increased [SIZE] and [DAMBLOCK]. By the time I realized I had never changed it back for this fort I decided to just run with it, so note that the goblins that show up here are significantly tougher than normal...)

The Journal of Kol Hammershields, Year 67:

18th Granite 67:
The elves have returned, bringing us more bears to further the glory of Bearhalls still just boring Dwellhalls awesome-Dwellhalls-but-not-as-awesome-as-Bearhalls sigh. This time they brought a male and a female, so we can even breed our own now! We're running out of the red mugs though so I get back to work carving some more regular ones for buying future bears.

24th Granite 67:
Urist is telling me that the little black one is not a grizzly but is its own specieses and can't have babies with the big one. I tell him to quit being such a racist. I swear this guy gets worse every day.

2nd Slate 67:
I think the goblins are on to us. This time instead of sneaking in by ones and twos they brought a GIANT FREAKING ARMY of like EIGHT GUYS. I suppose as the jewel of the empire it is only natural that the goblins would throw everything they have at us! No matter though. We must be strong! It is time for us to do our duty for the Mountainhome!

3rd Slate 67:
Oh crap some of them have WEAPONS. Okay it is time for these other schmucks to do their duty for the Mountainhome! I draft everyone expendable ("expendable" being defined as "people who don't realize what 'expendable' means") and send them at the goblins.



6th Slate 67:
We have won a resounding victory. No doubt my troops were inspired by the grandeur of my loose stone mugs scattered HEY I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU WORTHLESS TURDS TO PICK THOSE UP oh well we won. Three people died but one of them was New Urist and I count him as a negative loss so mathematically speaking we had 1 loss to the goblins' 8. Unfortunately we lost Deler there and now Sodel is acting all smug smugger.

8th Slate 67:


To honor the valiant sacrifices of our heroes and also New Urist I give them a full military burial. Nobody gets themselves killed this time but I tell Other Urist he can be the official mortifier for the next one just in case. He says the title is "mortician" but who is some lousy mortifier like him to give me vocabulary advice?

10th Slate 67:
In the spirit of civic pride following our military triumph I decide to let the rabble into my private statue garden to hold a party so we can all get smashed a very respectful funeral service for the departed so we can all get smashed.



21st Slate 67:
Even though the liaison and his caravan got chased off by cave swallowmen last year apparently they still left a glowing report, because we're getting all kinds of immigrants now. Obviously word has spread of the glorious military might of oh wait nevermind I guess they're all just members of the birdwatchers' club.

25th Slate 67:
Now that we have twice as many dwarfs the food supplies are looking pretty scarce especially considering we didn't get any supplies from the Mountainhome last year. I ask the birdwatchers if any of them have any experience hunting birds for food. They say no. Urist says that the only birds anyone's seen here are the cave swallowmen and they are inedible anyhow but he said that about the bat too so I ignore him (for reasons beyond those I normally ignore him for I mean).

2nd Felsite 67:
I guess the sudden realization of their own expendable mortality has made an impression on the newbies (I mean the old newbies) because a couple of them just got married and are goin' at it like bunnies, except unlike bunnies you can't stew dwarf babies. Although actually come to think of it

Nevermind Rovod is giving me a really nasty look and I don't want to sleep on the couch tonight especially since it is made out of rock and not even very well made either slightly less spectacular than some of my more recent stone furniture.

25th Hematite 67:
These goblins do not know when to quit! This time they have ambushed us with twice as many goblins as last time! Clearly they have made a grand alliance of all goblin nations banding together in unison to crush Dwellhalls, and/or they are summoning reinforcements from other dimensions and possibly using cloning magic. I order all our immigrants to their doom into glorious combat.

26th Hematite 67:
I hear Fath's wounds are getting somewhat better now so hopefully he'll be well enough by the next goblin attack that I can send him to his doom into glorious combat to his doom.

2nd Malachite 67:
Thanks to the human caravan guards my superb leadershipping skills we win. Regrettably we have lost Mestthos Blockadephantom who was one of the greatest military heroes of The Battle of That First Time The Goblins Attacked Us. He too goes to his rest in the bosom of Armok.

Although I can't help but notice that the pit we're using for burials isn't very bosom-like, no matter what the priests say. It actually looks more like a

eww gross

13th Malachite 67:
My faithful followers are becoming slightly less faithful and are pressuring me to do something about the ongoing casualties we are suffering from the goblins. Fortunately I know exactly what to do and take decisive action using my well-honed stonecrafting skills. Observe!



Urist asks what good a trumpet is supposed to do us. It is for playing a sad little song at funerals dumbass. See if I play a sad little trumpet tune at your funeral you prick.

2nd Galena 67:
I am now a proud father of four (three remaining)! I name my new daughter Ingish Bootspike after my great-uncle.

5th Galena 67:
Apparently the goblins haven't given up on kidnapping after all. Sodel came up to me all balling about how they stole little Litast Bastardwhelp or whatever his name was. I start reflecting on the unmitigated sorrow Sodel must feel having lost his wife and baby son only to have his remaining son stolen by goblins but then I remember Sodel sucks so I go back to playing with my kids in my awesome goblinproof tower.

20th Limestone 67:
The caravan is back and this time they don't get scared away by birds. That smug bastard Lorbam who acts as the liaison brought along half a dozen more immigrants too. Just to show I am a bigger person than he is I throw everyone a party. I call it my "I live in a freaking tower guarded by bears and you worthless assholes all live below me in trash-ridden lean-tos surrounded by rotting corpses modest but well-fertilized economy housing so nyah" party.

12th Sandstone 67:
Oh crap apparently they thought I was serious about that economy housing bit. A lot of the newbies are getting together now and there's lots of talk about growing families. I need the space in those lean-tos guys! My backup office is in there!

20th Sandstone 67:
Remember when I apparently told everyone in the Mountainhome I was a great hunter and cliaming I was thereby qualified to lead an expedition into the wilderness where I could supply them with food? Yeah I don't either but that's what the newbies are talking about.  Apparently they are expecting me to deal with our impending food crisis scheduled weight-loss programme by descending into the valley and hunting for food. Fine. How hard can it be? I'll just go collect the crossbow from Fath; it's not like he needs it when all he does is lie on his sickbed year in and year out.

21st Sandstone 67:
Alright ixnay on the ossbowcray, as they say in the Elvish. I tried to get Fath to give it up but he just clutches it to his chest and snarls at me in-between muttering to himself. Apparently he calls it Christine now. I can accept the psychosis and talking to inanimate objects but I wish he would at least have picked a proper Dwarvish name. Fath really gives me the creeps sometimes pretty much always.

23rd Sandstone 67:
Everyone still expects me to go hunting but all we have are hand-to-hand weapons so first I need to get some protection. I mean good god look at the teeth on those marmots! After brushing some cobwebs off the anvil we bought I gather some magnetite (none of Urist's magical "hematite"!) and bang out enough iron to armor myself head to toe. Bring it on marmots OH WAIT GOD NO I WAS JUST KIDDING GET BACK YOU LITTLE BASTARDS phew

7th Moonstone 67
Good news! It looks like everybody but Fath has recovered. I consider throwing a party but I should probably try to bag some more marmots.

19th Moonstone 67:
There don't seem to be any more marmots around. I hope I did not drive them to extinction as the philosophers say that would be bad and also we will probably need more marmot meat.

25th Moonstone 67:
Urist says the marmots are just hibernating. Frankly I don't blame them. If I saw myself coming down into the valley in my crude chunks of iron loosely strapped around me badass armor I would hibernate myself too!

10th Opal 67:
One of our newbies has gone all fey on us again. Catten Lancechucks grabs a discarded shell of one of the cave lobsters the caravan brought us and takes over the crafts shop again dammit.

19th Opal 67:
Oh great he made an earring, "Roastedchamber the Temple of Targets". It is a good thing I have all my awesome mug crafts and sweet bears or else we'd be known as the fortress where people make earrings out of garbage. I'd bet our liaison would laugh at us even more.


Year end summary: After migration, births, and deaths (4 for this year) Dwellhalls has a population of 49. Kol is 5x legendary (Record Keeper, Pump Operator, Mining, Masonry, Stone Crafter).

[ToonyMan]

Heheheh, this is good.

[Martian]

This is indeed good. I like your style of humor. It makes me grin laugh roll on the floor with laughter.

[gumball135]

Oops. Forgot to praise you in my above post.

*Praise*

[RPB]

Journal of Kol Hammershields, Year 68:

5th Granite 68:
Oh hey Fath is all better now oh joy now please stand someplace far far away from me.

11th Granite 68:
Some more marmots are starting to show up. I'm still busy working on the remains of the ones I've already killed though. Hopefully if I appease Fath with some pointy bolts he will not go crazy and kill anyone important me.

19th Granite 68:
The elves are back to trade again. I start dropping hints to them about how Urist is such a bear racist in the hopes they will get offended and kick his ass but they just look at me funny and then goblins kill them. Also OH CRAP GOBLINS

5th Slate 68:
The goblins are getting more aggressive. We lost six, including three newborn infants. Ladies when I said everybody attack I wasn't really including your babies! I guess next time I will be more specific.

8th Slate 68:
What. The. Hell. Somehow the goblins managed to sneak off with baby Rakust. You bastards! Since my awesome goblinproof tower is by definition goblinproof I must assume we are dealing with a traitor in the ranks. We can probably rule out Fath because if he betrayed us we would all be menacing with spikes of hoary marmot bone bolts by now, which leaves Sodel or Urist.

9th Slate 68:
Urist overheard me talking about my ongoing paranoid fearmongering counterespionage efforts and claims that my prior reckoning seems to have left out nearly 40 other dwarves who live here with us now. Nice try, but I see through your lies traitor! Arrest that dwarf!

11th Slate 68:
Okay apparently for some reason the newbies aren't buying Urist's deliberate and malicious dickishness as incontrovertible evidence of treason and are insisting I demonstrate "proof" before I can execute him. Why must my followers all be so willfully blind? You may have wriggled off the hook this time but I am watching you Urist.

16th Slate 68:
I am feeling depressed at my inability to avenge my daughter's kidnapping so I go punch marmots until I feel better.

21th Slate 68:
Fath decided to join in on the fun except instead of punching marmots he decided to punch cave swallowmen. He is back in the hospital now with even worse wounds than ever.

23rd Slate 68:
Some more migrants have arrived. As befitting my status as leader of a overcrowded warren bustling metropolis of 50 I declare myself mayor.

3rd Felsite 68:
Now that I have ascended to my exalted position I find my conscience weighted down with heavy affairs of state. It is also weighted down by the crown I carved for myself since it is made of rock and is heavy but I think it is mostly the affairs of state. Specifically I realize that we don't actually have an army especially since Fath is in the recovery ward is Fath. As my first official act I appoint myself captain of the guard and draft 5 volunteers to be our new official fortress guard and begin sparring with them.

7th Felsite 68:
Okay nevermind I think it was the crown weighing me down after all. Two of my guards have broken legs now so I shut down the training program before I accidentally kill anyone declare they passed their military training with flying colors.

20th Felsite 68:
Our family grows by one more with the addition of Bomrek Chainroofs, our newest son. I begin to regret having agreed to take turns naming them with Rovod.

13th Hematite 68:
The human traders are back. They're starting to bring some good stuff now but they still keep asking funny questions. Like "Why are there 40 dwarves living in cots on a crude dugout after 5 years of construction?" Clearly they do not understand the delicate intricacies of dwarven architecture!

16th Hematite 68:
The nerve! Sodel has declared himself mayor just because he conned a bunch of the newbies into "voting". You asshole! You don't get to be an elected official just because you win some popularity contest among your constituti constitchi constititu people you represent. Urist claims that this is exactly how you get to be an elected official. OH NO they must be in conspiracy together! This cancer eating at the heart of the dwarven nation cannot be allowed to spread any further but I must be clever in combating it.

21st Hematite 68:
I got it! I will throw a party "celebrating" Sodel's election so I can bring Sodel and Urist under my watchful eye. Then I only need to wait for them to slip up and BAM! Goodbye traitors!

25th Hematite 68:
That smug snake Sodel has decided to use the party as a platform to announce that his first official act as mayor is to outlaw the trade of mugs to outsiders. Everything went real quiet right then since most of the people at the party had just shown up after loading several crates of mugs onto the human traders' wagons.

26th Hematite 68:
Fortunately it turns out that dwarves are a lot less picky about jumping through hoops about "proof" before executing people when they are under immediate threat of criminal punishment from them. I suggest to Sodel that perhaps he would like to use his official capacity to dedicate his wife's grave site.

1st Malachite 68:
Sodel's election party turns into a going-away party after it is announced that Sodel has departed on an important diplomatic mission to make contact with the giant rat corpses inhabiting the chasm. Unfortunately the journey to the nation of Deadratistan is a dangerous one and he was shoved off a cliff to his death there is a possibility he may not be returning. The partygoers rejoice with much vigor.

14th Limestone 68:
The caravan from Shieldluster has come back, but with all the talk about executing nobles Lorbam the liaison gets nervous and bolts. Oh well.

25th Limestone 68:
I wake up from my nap important planning session. Apparently goblins attacked again while I was asleep hard at work. I am told we drove them off without losing anyone. Urist is pointedly observing that we fought even better when I wasn't around than we ever did when I was directing the battle. Obviously my well-honed strategical skills have reached the point where I can win battles in my sleep!

2nd Sandstone 68:
I start asking around the caravan guards about when we are going to get more cannon fodder hardworking citizens to replace the casualties from previous goblin raids. They shake their heads and say that Dwellhalls is too dangerous for anyone to have considered migrating. I do not blame them though, it is only natural that the mighty bears of Dwellhalls are intimidating even to those we call friends!

11th Sandstone 68:
Those bastard elves sold us defective bears dammit! The kidnappers just made off with little Nil. Urist's conspiracy must be farther-reaching than I thought.

14th Sandstone 68:
Nevermind. Rovod tells me that Nil had gone outside to play when the goblins bagged her. I order my underlings out of the tiny hovel where they are crammed dormitories to add several additional floors to my tower so my remaining children can have individual private playrooms.

15th Sandstone 68:
Apparently the grunts have been slacking off from my expansion project to have another election and this time they elected Urist! The only logical explanation is that I perennially neglect and abuse them while Urist thoughtfully sticks by them Urist is a secret mind control wizard. He is a more dangerous adversary than I thought!

7th Timber 68:
Urist came into my office saying that he was about to issue his first mayoral edict, mentioning something about dwindling mug reserves and maintaining positive balance of trade and all kinds of other treacherous spy talk. I slyly let slip that negotiations with Deadratistan have stalled at a crucial point. Urist gets nervous and quickly blurts out that his edict is a ban on the export of floodgates. Apparently they can learn after all!

21st Timber 68:
Being an important head of state is hard! To help unwind I carve myself a private underground swimming pool.



20th Moonstone 68:
One of the newbies comes running into the pool room to announce that the goblins are attacking. Hey dumbass this is a SWIMMING POOL. I have NO RUNNING signs posted for a reason!

27th Moonstone 68:
My expendable grunts We fought off the goblins, but poor little infant Bomrek was shot and killed. As befitting a military hero of such stature he is given a chasm burial with full honors, but the peasant who was assigned to perform the funerary rites fell into the chasm and died too. I remind Urist that performing funerals is an important mayoral duty as proscribed by ancient dwarven tradition and tell him he better not slack off for the next one.

4th Moonstone 68:
What the hell?! Those goblins did it again! Our last daughter has been stolen by the vicious goblins. Since two bears do not seem to be enough I promote our best four soldiers to honorary bears and station them at the entrance to the tower.



2nd Obsidian 68:
Rovod just had another girl, which she now insists on naming Lorbam Sacklashes saying it is a good description of where she will probably end up. But with Armok as my witness I will prove her wrong, damn it. You hear that, you green skinned bastards? You may have taken all my children but you are not going to get this one. No matter what.

9th Obsidian 68:
Just to be on the safe side I grab our axe and begin felling trees. I figure it ought to be pretty good practice for felling goblins.



Year end 68: Population is up to 60. No new skills have reached legendary, but Swimmer, Appraiser, and Wood Cutter are all coming along nicely. Since there's no real way to train combat skills solo (other than marksdwarf) I cheated a little and let some guards spar so Kol could jumpstart melee skills, but they were getting too much experience so I stopped them.

[Creamcorn]

Hehe, sacklashes I do hope that this becomes a feature in future DF versions.