((cue music“Journey of the Sorcerer”))"ON the subject fo Warfare and Fighting, The Guide has much to say. Indeed there are several hundred pages of The Guide Devoted to this topic. Everything from the great and Epic battles between the Vl'hurgs and the G'Gugvuntts, to the Galaxy spawning MegaWars of the Krikkit War Armada, to the Ancient and often hushly spoke continuous wars of the Silastic Armorfiends of Striterax some several Billion years ago. It should be noted then, that the battle about to take place on the small blue green world that Arthur, Ford, Trillian, Zaphod, Marvin, Slartibartfast, and several Clones of a certain Lintilla, are currently on; are not mentioned anywhere in the whole of The Guild. That said, there is one passage in The Guide that would seem to portain to events about to transpire below.
It is often noted, but seldom admitted to, that in the course of battle, Victory is seldom, if ever decided by strength of numbers, arms, strategy or gile, but is usually decided by Dumb Luck. Indeed it is discovered upon inspection that the more loosely assembled two opposing sides may be, the higher the chance for Dumb Luck seems to enter into things. This has become an increasing problems in several of the Higher Dimensions where military leaders have come to quite literally decided battle plans through 'throws of the dice' Many beings in higher dimensions have taken to using highly advanced computer simulations to simulate and even deiced Wars before they are even waged. This has caused headaches among some, who worry that indeed the whole of Creation may be one Giant Computer Simulation.High atop the realtivly Crude stone walls that lay across the entrance to the
TallLabor Valley, every last inhabitant, Human, Alien and Android, watched as Five Dwarfs and Three clones raced out into the dense forrests to meet the Green foe.
"She's Mad! Totally Mad, Arthur how on Earth could oyu just let her, all of her, go off like that!" Ford said leaning over the edge.
"You don't know her that well, trust me I've seen here face down a horde FootWarriors with a single Blaster pistol, and that was just one of her." Arthur said, though he said, still worried about Lintilla.
"You would think Earth Man, that after all the business with the Krikkit robots and averting Galactic conflict, we would find at least one world devoid of murderous creatures bent on our destruction. It is days like today that I miss my Fjords."
Far beyond the safety of the Walls, out in the wooded fields, Lintilla looked up. "Ok Lintilla, we've been in worse spots, everyone have your Crisis Inducers?"
"Yes Lintilla"
"Yes Lintilla!"
"Ok then, set to Mark-9 and... LETS GO! It's Life or Death out there!" Lintilla shouted as they caught up with the Dwarfs.
"Glad ye could join us, let it not be said Dwarf* or Dwarf*, a Warrior is a Warrior
((It is known that the Dwarves, while possessing the words 'male' and 'female' seldom use them and often leave it to others to infer the difference)). The Lintillas smiled as they crept forward, Pics, Crossbow and Ax at the ready.
From far out in a stone clearing, garbled yelling could be heard.
"Aye, theres the we Skullers straight enough
Samuel I thinks its time we gave'em a good Kicken!"
"Aye
loomer that be true, Dwarves A'Hay!"
Together, the Dwarves uttering a single Battlecry Surged forward..."
"This"
"IS"
"TALL-LABOR!"
The five goblins were caught off guard by the ferocity of the attack as
Karza and
Rawtooth slammed into the two closest to them. The three in the back, all armed with Crossbows, quickly recovered and opened fire. Bolts flew past the Dwarfs as Lintilla raised a pickax and threw it with all her might, the copper pick flew past and struck one of the Goblins as the Dwarfs retreated back into the woods.
"Mind the Bolts ye daft buggers Mind the bolts!"
Mr.Bean shouted as he fired his own crossbow off. Grinning with glee as two bolts struck one of the Goblin Crossbowmen. The small green creature slumped back mortally wounded. Another goblin dropped as well as the Dwarfs converged.
Mr.Bean turned from behind the Tree he was taking cover behind, about to off the last two of them. He looked around the tree just in time, to watch the Bolt strike him.
"
Mr.Bean" cried out the closest Lintilla as the Dwarf clutched at a Bolt in his Leg. She lunged forward, throwing another Pickax as she raced to haul the Dwarf back. Lintilla and Lintilla came quickly to assist her. Picking up the Crossbow from
Mr.Bean she fired it quickly, striking a goblin in the side. Yet, s htough not to let them have the last word, the last Goblin Crossbow wielder, blood pouring from his wounds, pulled his wepon up and fired a final shot. Lintilla clutched at her arm as the last Goblin began to flee.
"They Got BEAN! Lets GET-EM!" the Dwarfs hollowed as they raced after the sole remaining Goblin. An ax was raised and a moment later there was an explosion of Gore.
[
Atop the Wall to
TallLabor Trillian lowered the gate.
"Incoming Wounded! everyone get ready, We've got wounded!!!
A dwarf and a Clone were quickly rushed inside. The two were laid down in their rooms, Slarti and, oddly, Marvin attending to the wounded.
"I didn't know you knew about medicine Marvin." Arthur said as an arrow was surgically removed and quickly bandaged up.
"What you don't know could fill Warehouses. As it happens I understand the workings of biological organisms of all types better then you do, though that really isn't hard.." he mopped as up in the Cave the Dwarfs over looked their leader.
"Don't move Sir, ye took a bad hit."
"Aye best ye rest up, though ye where a real sight to behold out there."
"Indeed Mate, those green beasties never knew what hit'em!" The dwarfs spoke together.
"Bah, I'll have to take me time then, Don't want the going all easy"
Mr.Bean said as the others laughed.
"Still, I htink it best i'll, eh, oversee things from here fir a bit, Ye all will be ok till Im up on me own again!" He said weakly, the Dwarf giving a slap to the others before falling asleep.
Outside Ford and Arthur sighed.
"Mopping about won't do any good. You two, there is a lot of work to be done, and we'll have to work double hard at it with those two on the mend." Trillan said holding the weapons dropped on the battlefield. Ford and Arthur looked at each other.
"Just like Old times?" Ford said.
"Hardly, Old times where usually people always chasing after us with blaster pistols and laser beams. Swords Crossbows and Axes were NEVER something I got used to." Arthur said as they headed inside.
As they did so, a great black shadow passed over the Valley.
"Fetid Photons! What was that?" Screamed Zaphod, in the middle of his pree dinner post launch drink.
"A bird, a BIG one by the look of it, I've never seen one so big!" Lintilla said as she dived for cover.
"I have, back on Brontitall, the bird people there were big enough to carry Ford and Zaphod toegther." Arthur said as two of the Dwafs ran over to them.
"Ye Daft Buggers, get under some cover right NU! that be a Giant Eagle!"
"They be a mean tempered and powerful bird they are! best to avoid them at all cost!"
loomer spoke up as
Karza Piped in.
"Aye matie, but they rarely come down into the valley, something, somethings gotta be bringing it's attention, and it Ain't the fighting."
The two Dwarfs climbed atop the unsteady wall and peered out.
"Ack, would ye look at they, I htink I kin see what be attracting it!"
loomer sighed.
"Oh Armok, they gonna be Bird Food!"
Author
Topic: The HitchHikers Guild to the Dwarfish Galaxy, (Open to Succession) (Read 21885 times)