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[JoshuaFH]

Better than Sparta. I hit. Wonderfully, even. Hoped for it... But didn't dare to dream.

Go to the enemy general. Yell: "THIS. IS. FORT LAMAR!!!"
And kick him in the nuts.

See who is left in the fort, and what is left of the fort. Accept gratitude. And gifts. Assume control of the remaining forces if they'll let me, and start taking care of the wounded. 

You walk up and kick the general's corpse in the nuts.

You make a loud thud against the crotch plate, but you can hear something inside go "Oof!",

The top half of the general falls to the ground,



You see a fairy sticking out of the leggings,

"Damn you human! You've foiled my master plan! I'll remember you, don't you forget! Time to initiate my backup plan!"



The fairy flies away quickly! He's out of sight before you can act.

You look inside the leggings, and you see that the general wasn't a person at all! You can see an elaborate system of mechanisms connected to the legs, all operated by tiny levers and pull-strings!

You swear you saw blood though! You look inside the upper half that fell off, and you see a dead fairy inside. He must have been operating the other half.

You try commanding the fort, but it looks like everyone's doing fine now and don't need your help.

What do you do?

[Emperor_Jonathan]

DAMN FAIRIES, IT'S ALL OBVIOUS NOW!

AAARGH

[Siquo]

"Fairies eh?"

Ok, go to the barracks, look for the highest-person-in-command-thats-still-alive. Report to him/her.

((My list of arch-enemies keeps growing. Yet I Still Won't Die!))

[Vlynndar]

I stop staring at the shopkeeper which I've been doing for two days. I say, "Fine. You win. I'll buy everything an umbrella, a hypnodisc, a whistle and a life vest. Is there a story about your hat?"

[JoshuaFH]

"Fairies eh?"

Ok, go to the barracks, look for the highest-person-in-command-thats-still-alive. Report to him/her.

((My list of arch-enemies keeps growing. Yet I Still Won't Die!))

You go to the Barracks, looking for the man in charge.



You find an important looking person...



"Congratulations on that amazing throw out there, probably won us the battle! I was out there too, I wasn't hiding in my secret hidey-hole like a hiding hider, I was fighting to the death like a real soldier! You must be one of those troops from the Vick Barony I heard were coming down. My name is Paul, and you deserve this..."

He gives you a war medal, it looks very distinguished.

"Get 44 more of those and you can legally start up your own motel!"

What do you do?

I stop staring at the shopkeeper which I've been doing for two days. I say, "Fine. You win. I'll buy everything an umbrella, a hypnodisc, a whistle and a life vest. Is there a story about your hat?"

You buy the stuff,



You ask the man about his hat,

"Well, Once upon a time in a land far far away there was a fair maiden that NO THERE'S NO STORY TO MY HAT NOW DON'T ASK AGAIN GODDAMMIT!"

What do you do?

Status

Siquo:
6hp
wearing:Artifact GCS silk thong, +10 armor
inventory:
-War Medal (wearable)
- +1 crossbow
- 19 +3 bolts
- glass vial (empty)
- bomb

Squeegy:
7hp
Wearing: dirty, old clothes
-bag (9 silver, 8 copper, maps)
-Tin Whistle
-
-
-

Vlynndar:
20hp
Wearing: dirty, old clothes. Rorschach Symbol.
-bag (10 silver, maps)
-life jacket
-tin whistle
-umbrella
-Hypno-disk

[cowofdoom78963]

"Get 44 more of those and you can legally start up your own motel!"

Heh, I just got that. Good one.

[Emperor_Jonathan]

I have a request:

Make Siquo wear his artifact thong on the outside. Like superman.

[Siquo]

Superman doesn't wear a thong! (Or does he?)

I didn't get the 44 more-joke


Wear the war medal. Ask for my salary (including risk-bonus), as I'm leaving town to take my well-deserved holiday.
Edit: Rest up to heal in the barracks!
Go to the Armory to check it out. Remove the imaginary bomb from my inventory.

[Vlynndar]

I'm going to don the vest and the umbrella. I also remove my imaginary coins. I then visit the left-spiked shop (left spiked when viewing the map in the particular orientation it was given to me etc)

[NUKE9.13]

Ooh, I had figured out a way to escape the deathtrap!
Were it not for a certain someone murdering me I would now rule fort lamar, together with the creepy robot general!
CURSE YOU, SIQUO.
CURSE YOU.


One day my fairies will ride down upon you with an army clad in red and black and such evil colours and they will take your corpse and DRINK TEA WITH IT AND RUN AROUND ROSIES AND SUCH LIKE AND IT WILL BE TERRIBLE
To this end I demand that Siquo is kept alive until I can have my vengeance.

[Siquo]

((I thought the microcline armor was evil enough... And in hindsight (something you didn't have, as I stabbed you in the back)  it's a good thing I stabbed you, pre-emptively stopping the Fort from being overrun by EXTREME FAIRIES. I would also like to note that I've got nothing against fairies (or queens, or other extremes), per se. Insert another gay joke here. ))

[Phazer]

this sounds so great, could you put me on the waiting list?

and why is squeggy on the waiting list?

[JoshuaFH]

Superman doesn't wear a thong! (Or does he?)

I didn't get the 44 more-joke


Wear the war medal. Ask for my salary (including risk-bonus), as I'm leaving town to take my well-deserved holiday.
Edit: Rest up to heal in the barracks!
Go to the Armory to check it out. Remove the imaginary bomb from my inventory.

"Silly soldier, money's for civilians! Everyone knows that the noble class pays for everything, and the real pay for a soldier is knowing that his home is safe from invasion."

You rest up in the barracks, you're at full hp now.

You put on the War Medal. You're concerned that it won't clip to your solid metal metal, but then you notice it's actually a magnet. It sticks to your armor with no problem.

You go the armory,



The the Armory keeper (holding a +8 spear, and wearing +5 armor) greets you amiably, with a wide smile on his face.

"Hello there! It seems that the battle's over, so I can open back up! It's so nice to see the Lamarians triumphant again. Welcome to Fort Lamar's Armory, the best place for commercial grade weapons and armor in the entirety of Earl! Allow me to explain our selection to you!"

He points to the bottom shelf,

"this is our used and low-quality goods. He we have a +2 sword, a +2 knife, a +2 axe, a +2 spear, a +2 mace, and two pairs of +2 chain mail shirts. Everything on the bottom shelf is 2 gold each."

Then he points to the middle shelf,

"This is our New goods, here we have 2 +3 swords, 2 +3 knives, 2 +3 axes, 2 +4 spears, 2 +4 maces, and 2 +4 Metal shirts. Everything on the middle shelf is 3 gold each."

Then he points to the top shelf,

"these are our rare, exotic, and experimental items. We have 3 bombs, which deal 10d6 damage to everything caught in the blast radius, are 4 gold each. Then we have a shield, which allows you to spend one combat turn "shielding" which halves the damage you receive, rounding down, costs 3 gold, and a  crossbow, allows anyone, even an peasant, to shoot professionally, comes with 5 complimentary +3 arrows. Then you can buy packs of 5 additional +3 arrows for 1 gold each. What'll you have stranger?"

What do you do?

You wield the umbrella. Now you're protected in case you're ever attacked by a vicious rain cloud.

You put on the Life jacket, it's yellow and ugly and tight. So very tight.

You go to the Dark Blue Left spiked shop.



You see a woman with a hat, a mustache, and, looking at her breasts, one boob is noticeably larger than the other.

She speaks in a gruff, forced female voice,

"Hey there mister, we're outta stock on some things, but feel free to look around."

What do you do?

Status

Siquo:
20hp
wearing:Artifact GCS silk thong, +10 armor, Magnet Medal
inventory:
-
- +1 crossbow
- 19 +3 bolts
- glass vial (empty)
-

Squeegy:
7hp
Wearing: dirty, old clothes
-bag (9 silver, 8 copper, maps)
-Tin Whistle
-
-
-

Vlynndar:
20hp
Wearing: dirty, old clothes. Tight Life Jacket. Rorschach Symbol.
-bag (1 silver, 3 copper maps)
-
-tin whistle
-umbrella (equipped)
-Hypno-disk

[Vlynndar]

I panic and run flailingly to the bank, when I am probably going to deposit my three copper maps.

[JoshuaFH]

I panic and run flailingly to the bank, when I am probably going to deposit my three copper maps.

You panic and go to the bank, the only sanctuary for your fragile soul.



You see Ted the Bank Teller and Suzie the Loan Mistress.

Ted is wearing an Engineer's hat backwards.

You have no copper maps to deposit.

What do you do?

Status

Siquo:
20hp
wearing:Artifact GCS silk thong, +10 armor, Magnet Medal
inventory:
-
- +1 crossbow
- 19 +3 bolts
- glass vial (empty)
-

Squeegy:
7hp
Wearing: dirty, old clothes
-bag (9 silver, 8 copper, maps)
-Tin Whistle
-
-
-

Vlynndar:
20hp
Wearing: dirty, old clothes. Tight Life Jacket. Rorschach Symbol.
-bag (1 silver, 3 copper, maps)
-
-tin whistle
-umbrella (equipped)
-Hypno-disk