So, I'm pretty tired and trying to type stuff up for a student congress meet for tomorrow. I've got no research done at all, so I'm pretty much banking on getting elected PO (which means that I get to bang the gavel instead of giving speeches).
Somehow, I typed up this monstrosity for the religion thread. I've been feeling kind of depressed lately. For reasons that I'll consider discussing later.
You'll note that I didn't talk about where myself fits in Heaven and Hell much (which is uncharacteristic of me, I normally bring myself much more strongly into stuff like that, the better to make sure that people can find and raise differences in basic assumptions). I've resigned myself to the possibility of eternal damnation a long time ago (and I've said that before as well, I think to Jude).
I'm a crappy person. I'm lazy, sinful, unthinking to my friends. I swear with a passion. When I do pray, it's usually something rote (Oh that you would bless me indeed Lord, and enlarge your territory, that you're hand would be with me and that you would keep me from evil, that I might not cuase pain). And that prayer is litterally just asking God for stuff. I've said the following prayer word for word before, "God bless that God-damned athiest." What the fucking hell? I worry my parents, I don't follow through on things. For Christ's sake, I've actively hoped that the fucking Salvation War would come to pass.
This, I believe is my major problem. I've put Country before God. Fuck, I've put war largely before country. It's horrible for me to say this, but honestly, all I really want is a decent death. Something, fuck, honorable. Isn't that horrible? I've been damned close to cutting my throat before, just becuase I'm a fuck-up. I made myself the promise that if I'd kill myself unnecessarily, I'd cut my jugulars out with my first knife over the spot where I buried my cats. The worst part? I'm gutless enough that I won't do it. Because it didn't seem to be a fitting death. How can that be what God wants for me? Knowing myself, I'd try to throw my life away at the first available chance that seemed to be "okay." So, deep down (like I was saying before), I want something to happen. A war where I could go die, zombies so I could go down fighting, whatever. I wonder if I hoped for a school shooting where I could do something brave. Isn't it horrible? The amount of collateral damage I'd be glad to see so I could have a good death. Because trying to work against those sorts of evil events would make my action good, even if I hoped for them? Like I said, I damned well deserve to go to hell for my mindset. I've got no bloody clue where I'm going with this, it really belongs in my convenient blogging thread, doesn't it? I guess that I'll spoiler it here and put it there, then get to work on my speech stuff.
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Topic: Life and Times of Strife26 (Read 161294 times)