Here's one for the well read amongst you. How the bloody hell can I give a one and a half page description of Red Storm Rising?
It's due tommorow! Ahhhh! Does anyone have any ideas, I went crazy just trying to find twenty main events. There's too much stuff!
1) Muslims are inherently violent (I would say inherently terrorists, but the word meant something different back then.) I don't care that I've spent 30 years as a priviledged member of the establishment. Allah Akbar!
2) The soviet leadership has no clue how to do their job. Scattered, naive, optimists pepper the political apparatus as generals or engineers to serve as a contrast to the thuggishness of those around them. This gives us such excellent characters as: the young naive soviet officer in charge of oil and the old, naive soviet officer in charge of killing the capitalists.
3) The Soviet Union decides to invade Germany to distract people from the fact they just got butthurt by Muslims. Oh, and they need oil. Because if you need oil, you have to invade Germany. (remember, this was before people had heard about invading iraq!)
4) International incidents are easy to fabricate and communists are gullible sheep who believe the germans want to murder school children for no reason.
5) US intelligence is like, really cool and connects all the dots so awesome! The brit intelligence is sorta cool, if your a little gay or something. Other intelligence agencies consist of traffic cops. What losers!
6) Soviet spy ruins the entire fucking plan because he didn't want to see his friends get killed. His friends who were willing to give their lives for the cause...
7) Tension, tension, tension, WAR!
Yee-haw, me an my buddies from over by ruuushia are gonna be invadin' this here iceland, y'all hear?
8a) Ahh! Why am I surrounded by commies in Iceland? As the brave american hero it reminds me of the time my girlfriend got killed!
9) Wham! Bam! Europe in flames! The hour looks dark but the plucky defenders of democracy fight on!
10) Meeooorr! Wooooom! Screeeee! Planes! Missiles! HOLY FUCKING SHIT THEY JUST BLEW UP A FUCKING AIRCRAFT CARRIER OH MY FUCKING GOD!
11) Old grizzled, naive russian general broods over death and destruction with the plan he created. And we meet his counterpart: faceless american general with no discerning features.
12) Oh crap! Goddamn iceland with the soviets shooting down planes and shit! Oh, here's some americans here to help. Quick, let's go rescue an icelandic girl from getting raped! As an all american hero, I can be reminded of how my girlfriend got raped!
13) Apparently, the war is going to take longer then 3 weeks. Who knew?
14) Reverse the polarity on the videotapes!
15) Yaaaar! Motherland!
16) Hah! Iceland is returned to american ownership! Suck on that, commies! The all american action hero apparently helped a lot. Helped a lot at being a whiny bitch!
17) Sir, the soviet we captured, who just happens to speak english tells us that this war is about oil!
17a) War over oil? Dear god! What sort of awful evil empire is that that will start a war over oil? So much suffering could have been averted! (remember this... this was... it was... Ah hell, it's just fucking hilarious. Go ahead and laugh.)
17b) Wait, doesn't war use a lot of oil?
18) Message to the naive grizzled general managing the affairs from the naive young officer in charge of oil: So, we're like out of oil. Oh, and weapons too apparently.
Kremlin helpful suggestion: Why not just send men to their deaths in a bunch of outdated equipment? If that doesn't work, we could just start start using nukes. That won't have any consequences.
19) The Americans: YeeeeeHaaaaaw! Now that we are winning we can't possibly be stopped.
20) Faceless american general and grizzled soviet general (who is naive) make a ceasefire. Soviet guy muses on how he's a horrible man who kills everything he touches. The American guys says
"Well, shit, son! Why didn't y'all just say this wasn't about oil. Damn, y'all didn't know we love oil?"
P.S.
21) The soviets suddenly have all the food they need because communism sucks! Delivered through the mouth of the sickly old man in charge of agriculture who's been saying that communism sucks for years but no one listened to him.
Disclaimer: I read the book like 10(?) years ago.