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Author Topic: A Short Story of Death and Loss  (Read 1140 times)

Kroack

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A Short Story of Death and Loss
« on: February 07, 2009, 09:23:50 pm »

Iteb itebirtir Anist raced over the mountainous terrain of his home fortress. He knew what he had to do and was risking everything, even his own life, to destroy the beast who had killed so many of his fellow dwarves-in-arms and citizens.

As he ran towards his inevitable destiny Iteb thought about the past. His Commander, Devinious, had suffered a severe injury to his legs several months prior and he was the acting officer. When reports started to file in about missing dwarves and drops of blood hitting the fortress like rain Iteb knew what he was dealing with. Giant Cave Bats.

Over the course of the year the people of the fortress learned to call their winged enemy Thatthilbecor. One day, 2 innocent dwarves were strolling along a pleasant meadow in search of some plants to pick, when out of nowhere Thatthilbecor struck!. The monster killed one dwarf with a swipe of his claws and grabbed the other one.

With a look of triumph in his eye, Thatthilbecor dropped his prey from several hundred feet in the air. Then, he feasted upon the splattered remains of the herbalist, while he was still conscious.

Weary of the the disappearance of 2 dwarves Iteb mobalized his squad of 10 axedwarves. Iteb, being the fastest, sprinted ahead to try and save the dying dwarf's life. He arrived to late however. The monster had just finished with its meal by the side of the meadow as Iteb sprinted into view. Hefting his axe, Iteb screamed a cry of defiance and leaped onto the beasts wings.

Together, they tumbled into the meadow. Iteb continued to hack and slash at the creature as his heavy armor dragged him to the bottom of the water. Soon, Iteb started to slip into unconsciousness but with the comfort that he had slain his foe.

And so it was that Iteb itebirtir Anist, Champion drowned in the crimson water of the meadow that Autumn day.                                         
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Flintus10

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Re: A Short Story of Death and Loss
« Reply #1 on: February 08, 2009, 04:31:09 am »

a pretty good read but could use a little more detail to make a very good short story. Keep up with writing though.
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Xonara

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Re: A Short Story of Death and Loss
« Reply #2 on: February 09, 2009, 04:08:43 pm »

[Don't know why I'm posting this, I'm not normally much of a story critic :P] IMHO I think the plot was good, but you didn't make the most of it, overall it felt kinda dry. I think you tried to put too many events in too little words and this gave the events less weight. If it was more detailed I think the story would be pretty awesome though.
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sonerohi

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Re: A Short Story of Death and Loss
« Reply #3 on: February 09, 2009, 05:33:32 pm »

I had to reread it several times to figure out when the water came in and I finally figured out that you skipped the detail of them entering it to go straight to them sinking down and drowning in it.
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I picked up the stone and carved my name into the wind.