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[Pilsu]

and figure out how to grill cream.

Tin foil, just like baked potatoes

Duh

[Karlito]

Isn't cream usually a liquid?

Here's a short one that seems edible if inaptly named:

Beef Stew
Serves 3
You will need:

    * 60g basmati rice
    * 30g beef

Instructions:

   1. pre-heat the oven to 210 C
   2. throw the beef away
   3. barbeque the basmati rice
   4. bake for 30 minutes and serve hot

[Neoskel]

Yeah, it tends to ask you to discard the ingredient it's named for. Weird.

[Orange Drink]

Pickle Crumble
Serves 5
You will need:

    * 150ml apple sauce
    * 80g pickle
    * 2 chillis
    * 110g grapes

Instructions:

   1. pre-heat the oven to 200 C
   2. sift the pickle (what?)
   3. grill the grapes
   4. add one tablespoon of the grapes (just add a single grape)
   5. blend with the grapes
   6. stir the pickle
   7. melt the pickle (hard to do at 200 C)
   8. rinse the apple sauce
   9. microwave the chillis
  10. bake for 70 minutes and serve hot

i'll try again.

Vinegar Crumble
Serves 3
You will need:

    * 70ml essence of vanilla
    * 10ml vinegar

Instructions:

   1. pre-heat the oven to 190 C
   2. toast the essence of vanilla
   3. flambe the essence of vanilla
   4. put the essence of vanilla in the fridge to set
   5. spoon the essence of vanilla onto a warmed plate
   6. whisk the essence of vanilla
   7. grind the essence of vanilla
   8. fry the essence of vanilla (whilst on the plate?)
   9. sift the vinegar
  10. bake for 40 minutes and serve hot

possibly the shortest recipe ever:
Horseradish Sauce Soup
Serves 1
You will need:

    * 140ml brandy
    * 120ml horseradish sauce

Instructions:

   1. discard the horseradish sauce
   2. slice the brandy
   3. throw it all away

[Silleh Boy]

I figured i'd have a quick look at this, and the first recipe i got sounded... well... now i'm going to be picturing my dwarves roasts as being something like this.

Grilled Lard
Serves 4
You will need:

    * 80g lard
    * 5 oysters
    * 4 pork chops
    * 80ml soy sauce

Instructions:

   1. pre-heat the oven to 190 C
   2. defrost the pork chops
   3. add the pork chops
   4. stir-fry the soy sauce
   5. mix the pork chops in
   6. put the lard in the saucepan
   7. put the soy sauce in the fridge to set
   8. heat the soy sauce
   9. grind the lard
  10. simmer the lard gently for 20 minutes
  11. microwave the soy sauce
  12. defrost the oysters
  13. bake for 20 minutes and serve hot

Yum.


Edit: And this one was looking so promising, too.

Pork Chops With Pork Chops Dressing
Serves 3
You will need:

    * 110ml mint sauce
    * 2 potatoes
    * 5 pork chops

Instructions:

   1. pre-heat the oven to 180 C
   2. rinse the potatoes
   3. eat the mint sauce
   4. eat the potatoes
   5. rinse the pork chops
   6. bake for 70 minutes and serve hot

Yum.

[Jamini]

Sausages Bake Serves 5You will need: 

• 3 chillis  3 sausages  60g kidney beans  50ml tabasco sauce

Instructions: 

• pre-heat the oven to 230 C  fry the tabasco sauce  toast the sausages  simmer the sausages gently for 20 minutes  whisk the kidney beans  defrost the chillis  bake for 80 minutes and serve hot

Yum.
 
That is... actually it's quite edible, though the servings are pretty small.
Er... and baking some of those ingrediants at that tempurature would probably burn them... yeah...
 
This one is a bit better:
  Anchovies Salsa (o.o) Serves 3 You will need: 

• 90g anchovies (Good, I like anchovies) 130g pickle  (... salty and vingery, I suppose it's close enough that it might be good with anchovies) 20g ham (...) 120ml vinegar (... a little redundant, but sure)  2 slices of bread (...)

Instructions: 

• pre-heat the oven to 190 C (Why am I preheating the oven for salsa? Isn't it supposed to be served cold?)  whisk the vinegar (ooook.)  microwave the slices of bread (...) heat the vinegar (Great, now I've got a pan of whisked vineger that is starting to evaporate!) discard the slices of bread (... you made me discard the bread after microwaving it?)  sauté the pickle (0.0) flip the vinegar (Surrree, my evaporating vinegar will let me scoop it up with a slightly curved spatula and flip it so we can heat the other side of it. Never mind that it's a liquid) melt the pickle (the PICKLE?) whisk the pickle (That's....that's... Grah!) put the vinegar in the fridge for 2 minutes (... So now my flipped and heated vinegar is chilling in the fridge. Great.)  eat the ham (Well.. at least it got used. Yum) fry the anchovies (Ok... no biggie) bake for 20 minutes and serve hot (... wonderful. I now have a bunch of anchovies covered in vinegar and melted pickle. Awesome)

Yum.

[woose1]

Spiced Poached Mushrooms
Serves 3
You will need:
4 potatoes
70g mushrooms
70g muslei
Instructions:
toast the mushrooms
saut頴he mushrooms
grind the mushrooms
fry the muslei until browned
simmer the muslei gently for 20 minutes
grind the muslei
fold in the mushrooms
lightly fry the mushrooms
barbeque the potatoes
put everything in the blender

Wait... what? alright then....
*Whirrrrrrr*
...
Oh god it's drippy!!

[Sir_Geo]

I figured I'd take a gander at this and this is what I got:

Sausages Supreme
Serves 3
You will need:

    * 4 sausages
    * 5 slices of bread
    (sounds simple enough, a sausage sandwitch)
Instructions:

   1. fry the sausages until browned (ok)
   2. blend with the sausages (what?)
   3. mix the sausages in (...)
   4. whisk the slices of bread (...I'm confused)
   5. throw it all away (good idea)

Brandy Mini Roasties
Serves 1
You will need:

    * 150ml brandy (Yay)
    * 130g porridge oats (There are other ingredients?)

Instructions:

   1. whisk the porridge oats (Sounds reasonable)
   2. add the porridge oats (To the fun juice?)
   3. saut� the porridge oats (error: command not recognized-saut�)
   4. barbeque the brandy (How is this done exactly o_o)
   5. put everything in the blender (Woo)
(6. Serve at party!)

[Orange Drink]

i have just created the most awesome dish ever:

Battered Raisins
Serves 4
You will need:

    * 1 cloves of garlic
    * 150g raisins

Instructions:

   1. pre-heat the oven to 180 C
   2. discard the raisins
   3. throw the cloves of garlic away
   4. bake for 40 minutes and serve hot

yum. baked baking tray.

[Creamcorn]

Dangit... I got a decently workable ingrediants list. Then it all went wrong.

Onions Salad
^{Serves 1}
You will need:
40ml water
4 onions
80g rice

Instructions:

• throw the rice away
• discard the onions
• barbeque the water

  Funniest thing I've read all day!

[Fist_Of_Armok]

I got...

Soft Cheese Surprise
Serves 2
You will need:

    * 60g soft cheese
    * 30g pasta
    * 40ml apple sauce
    * 130g sugar
    * 30g self-raising flour

Instructions:

   1. pre-heat the oven to 210 C
   2. toast the apple sauce
   3. microwave the sugar
   4. sauté the soft cheese
   5. lightly fry the sugar
   6. discard the pasta
   7. heat the soft cheese
   8. fry the sugar
   9. fry the apple sauce
  10. eat the soft cheese
  11. grind the apple sauce
  12. barbeque the self-raising flour
  13. bake for 60 minutes and serve hot

Not as good as some of the other stuff, but...

Oven's hot.

I toast the apple sauce in some sort of pan over a flame. Okay...

Microwave the sugar. Now I have hot sugar. Wheee.

Saute the cheese? Mmm, cheese AND butter.

Lightly fry the sugar? Now I have some sort of hot sugar discus.

Discard the pasta? Good. I had no idea what I was going to do with it anyway.

Heat the cheese again? Well, now it has some sort of crunchy outer coating. Yum...?

Fry the sugar again. WHY?

Fry the applesauce? Errr...ok...

Eat the cheese? Yum, melted buttery cheese in a crunchy coating!

Grind the applesauce. Well, now it's half fried, half hot, somewhat toasted, and...more ground.

Barbeque the self-raising flour. Now I have somewhat burnt flour.

Bake for 60 minutes and serve hot.

...So, at the end of it all, I have gritty applesauce with some sort of melted sugar concoction involved. Yum...?

[PTTG??]

Dangit... I got a decently workable ingrediants list. Then it all went wrong.

Onions Salad
^{Serves 1}
You will need:
40ml water
4 onions
80g rice

Instructions:

• throw the rice away
• discard the onions
• barbeque the water

It's simple: it's a recipe for extinguishing a fire.

[commondragon]

Pork Chops Salsa
Serves 2
You will need:

    * 2 pork chops
    * 150ml horseradish sauce
    * 60g chocolate
    * 130g beef
    * 90ml cod liver oil

Instructions:

   1. pre-heat the oven to 230 C
   2. discard the beef
   3. slice the cod liver oil
   4. microwave the cod liver oil
   5. fry the cod liver oil
   6. blend with the cod liver oil
   7. fold in the cod liver oil
   8. flip the cod liver oil
   9. fry the chocolate until browned
  10. simmer the chocolate gently for 20 minutes
  11. eat the chocolate
  12. spoon the cod liver oil onto a warmed plate
  13. whisk the cod liver oil
  14. put the cod liver oil in the fridge for 2 minutes
  15. add the cod liver oil
  16. flip the cod liver oil
  17. fry the horseradish sauce until browned
  18. lightly fry the horseradish sauce
  19. bake for 40 minutes and serve hot

umm....wow.  So, I get melted chocolate, burnt horseradish sauce, a waste of beef, uncooked pork chops, and mutilated cod liver oil?

[Dareon Clearwater]

Hot Pepper Sauce Surprise
Serves 2
You will need:

    * 150g iceberg lettuce
    * 30ml hot pepper sauce

Instructions:

   1. pre-heat the oven to 230 C
   2. barbeque the hot pepper sauce
   3. spoon the hot pepper sauce onto a warmed plate
   4. put the hot pepper sauce in the fridge for 2 minutes
   5. saute the hot pepper sauce
   6. fry the hot pepper sauce
   7. fry the iceberg lettuce until browned
   8. bake for 70 minutes and serve hot

Well, that'd surprise me, at least.


Self-raising Flour Bake
Serves 5
You will need:

    * 110g port
    * 10g self-raising flour

Instructions:

   1. pre-heat the oven to 210 C
   2. throw the port away
   3. toast the self-raising flour
   4. bake for 20 minutes and serve hot

This is a dwarven flour biscuit.  The ingredients are minced dwarven flour and dwarven wine that I forbid during the cooking.


Sausages Pie
Serves 1
You will need:

    * 70g ham
    * 2 carrots
    * 3 sausages
    * 4 pork chops
    * 80ml cod liver oil

Instructions:

   1. pre-heat the oven to 180 C
   2. barbeque the cod liver oil (Mm.)
   3. put the cod liver oil in the fridge for 2 minutes (Okay.)
   4. eat the ham (Yeah, the barbecuing worked up my appetite.)
   5. add one tablespoon of the cod liver oil (To the ham I'm eating?)
   6. fry the cod liver oil (Right.)
   7. microwave the cod liver oil (Um...)
   8. flambe the cod liver oil (Well, it is flammable...)
   9. put the cod liver oil in the fridge to set (Sure, I'll buy that.)
  10. flambe the cod liver oil (Again?)
  11. throw the cod liver oil away (...)
  12. stir-fry the pork chops (Okay, now we're cooking.)
  13. sauté the carrots (Mmm, now that I like.)
  14. add the carrots (Yup.)
  15. sauté the sausages (Sure.)
  16. bake for 80 minutes and serve hot (Allez Cuisine!)

So we have a snack, waste some oil, and then make... a pretty decent meal.

[Nadaka]

Spiced Poached Slices Of Bread
Serves 5
You will need:

    * 90ml tabasco sauce
    * 4 slices of bread

Instructions:

   1. pre-heat the oven to 210 C
   2. stir-fry the tabasco sauce
   3. bring the tabasco sauce to the boil
   4. saut� the tabasco sauce
   5. rinse the slices of bread
   6. bake for 40 minutes and serve hot

Ok. we get some fried, boiling, saute'd hot sauce and some wet bread. I would assume that they are combined before baking. I guess the bread has to be moistened first to keep it from burning from 40 minutes of baking. Mildly edible for most people (however, I can not stand damp bread, it makes me sick). But how do you feed 5 people with 4 slices of damp spicy bread?