The screen fades from black, revealing a small group of humans, stalking through a forest. The camera pans away from the humans, showing the large mountain valley in which the forest rests. Spinning away from the mountain view, the camera shakily focuses on several large mushroom clouds rising in the distance, the direction opposite the group is heading in.
The camera advances steadily toward the scene of destruction, picking up a steady drum beat as it passes through the clouds, to reveal the blasted remnants of a once great city, now empty, smoldering ruins. Starting faintly, the babble of voices - hoarse, guttural voices - can be heard as the camera pans down from high above then into the ruined streets. The camera rises over a fallen building allowing one to the sight of a strange procession of cultists in stained, torn robes shuffling through one of the few intact streets. Their skin is visibly peeling, and their harsh monotonous chant is muffled by the distant sound of roaring flames and the occasional forceful explosion.
As the chant continues, the camera races away from them, the chants quickly fade from hearing as the camera flies back to the group of humans…
The members of the ragged band of survivors increase their pace and their occasional mutterings become increasingly frantic. The camera flashes to the eyes of some odd beast, whose vision is scarred by its fury. The camera flashes to the group again showing a bespectacled member of the group withdrawing a gleaming, black, handgun from his fur coat. He says: "We need to keep moving..." A chill wind blows and the humans pull their various coverings a little tighter. The group looks on solemnly at the man’s comment, and the camera zooms away, fading out.
The camera fades in to a screen-filling image of cheese. The camera zooms out, revealing a large advertisement over a skyscraper. The advertisement creaks in the wind, before the iron holding it up gives way. It begins to fall, and with a disharmonious sound crashes into a red car standing on the snowy street below, wrecking it.
A small child in tattered rags looks out a window, peering towards the sound as radioactive ash begins to line the street. The cultists appear at the end of the street, walking down it, and the child turns to run. He dashes to the back of the ruined house, pulling open a trapdoor with steps leading down into darkness. A voice in the dark tunnel calls out, the sound bouncing around the small, battered house.
"Chklidovak! Chklidovak darling are you there?!" The small child yells out, "The atomics are coming down the street!" There is a sound of much running in the stairs.
In the background, the thunder of what sounds like a minigun suddenly blares out...
The camera rushes thought a corridor down several stairs and into a room so we can see what's going on.
The room is a change of pace from the damage seen on the outside. On one side, it appears to be the average house's basement filled with potential apocalyptic amenities. On the other it is covered in metal, and appears to have a large metal blast door on the wall. A small family is huddled near the blast door.
((I’m not even gonna bother with the additional stuff at this point. It just doesn’t fit, and this needs to show. We aren’t going to get epic stuff for quite a few posts if we adhere to the rule that we must follow the Story So Far (SSF) in theme and in pace. Right now, we do not need combat, horror, suspense or other so called “epic” parts of the movie. We need dialogue and a firmer establishment of the objects we have in hand.
On that note, we first need to establish which group of humans we want to use as the protagonists, and (get them into contact with the “underground bunker complex groupies” that were implied by my previous post) bring them into contact with a source of supplies (and ammo).
Secondly, we need to firmly establish what exactly the antagonists, these “atomics”, do. Why are they the antagonists? What makes them tick? What do they do that makes them the “bad guys”?
Once the antagonists and the protagonists are firmly established, which shall have to be done through a series of scenes in which the “atomics” do thoroughly antagonistic things, and in which the protagonists are harassed on the way to getting to their fortress-place. After this has occurred, the protagonists must remove the antagonists through a series of scenes that may take a while to go through.
The above are general plot points and do not have to really be followed by the letter, but it is generally a good idea to follow the structure of a plotline. Jumping around is silly and gets everyone confused. I just made one projected plot path. Other paths would have similar progression, and are based around the nature of the protagonist and the antagonist. The one I projected is the easiest to follow, the classic “good guy”/”bad guy” plotline. We never dedicated ourselves to anything.
We must complete each scene that is started. Skipping around doesn’t work. A character must be followed through the sequence of actions that is necessary to convey a detailed idea. No one understands sentence fragments, and no one understands scene fragments either. At present, we have established enough entities in the plot to make things work. We have to flesh them out before we even try to add anything new.
This is an unfortunate fact, so we gotta deal with it. The truth is, to post a continuation on this particular forum game, the entire thread must be read, which is why I am making these convenient compilations. Armok wants something good to come out of this, but structures must be adhered to for this to happen.
I know everything I just said may seem repetitive, or to some, like a whole lot of fiddle faddle and rot. I know I may have said something more than once, but that is because it is important. Realistically, it is mostly impossible to get anything good out of this community without strict rules, if the setup is of this nature, to build upon what has been built before. Unfortunately, the nature of this thread makes it so that we cannot make strict rules, in reality. However, if we compile the thread frequently, and drop “derailed bits” and explain why they were “derailed bits”, we can get somewhere, and retain a coherent story. This is not “Add 3 words”. Chaos is not the objective. Therefore, order must be kept. Thank you. Peace.))
((Armok, please reprimand my rant if the intent is only to see what happens, not to see what the best B12 can put out is. I know these forums have kindred that can read a plotline. There are some in BotG. Unfortunately, there are many in these forums that do not
want to follow a plotline, and make it quite clear in their posts. We probably need to find someone here who can more eloquently detail the steps needed to form a coherent plot than I to speak up as well, but for now, here is my rant. There will be no post until we iron out what exactly we want to do with the SSF and the divergent pieces that invade it.))
The screen fades from black, the scene is a forest.
The camera pans away from a small group of humans, stalking through the forest, in order to show the large mountain valley that the forest exists in
Spinning away from the mountain view, the camera shakily focuses on several large musthroom clouds rising in the distance, the direction opposite the group is heading in...
The camera advances steadily toward the scene of destruction, picking up a steady drum beat as it passes through the clouds, to reveal...
The blasted remnants of a once great city, now empty, smoldering ruins...
Starting faintly, the babble of voices- hoarse, guttural voices- can be heard as the camera pans down from high above then into the ruined streets.
The camera rises over a fallen building allowing one to see the source of the voices:
A strange procession of cultists in stained, torn robes shuffles through one of the few intact streets.
Their skin is visibly peeling, and their harsh monotonous chant is muffled by the distant sound of roaring flames and the occasional forceful explosion.
As the chant continues, the camera races away from them, the chants quickly going into inaudiable ranges as the camera flies back to the group of humans...
The members of the ragged band of survivors increase their pace and their occasional mutterings become increasingly frantic...
The camera changes to to the eyes of some odd beast, whose vision is scarred by it's fury. The camera changes back quickly and suddenly.
The camera shows the group again, a bespectacled member of the group withdrawing a gleaming, black, handgun from his fur coat.
He says: "We need to keep moving..."
A particular chilly wind blows. The others look solemn, and the camera zooms ahead to...
...cheese. Everywhere there is cheese.
The camera zooms out, revealing a large advertisement over a skyscraper.
The advertisement creaks in the wind, before the iron holding it up gives way...
The advertisment begins to fall...
And with a disharmonious sound crashes into a red car wreck standing on the snowy street below.
A small child in tattered rags looks out a window, peering towards the sound as radioactive ash begins to line the street...
The cultists appear at the end of the street, walking down it, and the child turns to run...
He dashes to the back of the ruined house, pulling open a trapdoor with steps leading down into darkness...
A voice in the dark tunnel calls out, the sound bouncing around the small, battered house...
"Chklidovak! Chklidovak darling are you there?!"
The small child yells out...
"The atomics are coming down the street!"
There is a sound of much running in the stairs.
In the background, the thunder of what sounds like a minigun suddenly blares out...
Then the camera rushes thought a corridor down several stairs and into a room so we can see what's going on.
There is a bang from upstairs, followed by heavy footsteps, slowly getting louder... closer...
A man with a US ARMY labelled uniform rounds the corner.
Three men follow scared behind him.
One of them is eating cheese.
The men walk down the stairway into the basement...
What little light there is flickers ominously...
The soldier speaks in a rough voice, "Night is falling... we must hide..."
The camera flashes for a moment to one of the cultists looking at the area in some map program on a laptop, then back to it's original position.
The camera changes angles in a blur as a monstrous howl is heard from the street...
A very large shadow approaches from around the remains of a building...
...and begins to murmur words from a language no mortal has ever heard.
It advances slowly, and the soldier cowers...
((Note: I will be spellchecking this.))
The screen fades from black, the scene is a forest.
The camera pans away from a small group of humans, stalking through the forest, in order to show the large mountain valley that the forest exists in
Spinning away from the mountain view, the camera shakily focuses on several large musthroom clouds rising in the distance, the direction opposite the group is heading in...
The camera advances steadily toward the scene of destruction, picking up a steady drum beat as it passes through the clouds, to reveal...
The blasted remnants of a once great city, now empty, smoldering ruins...
Starting faintly, the babble of voices- hoarse, guttural voices- can be heard as the camera pans down from high above then into the ruined streets.
The camera rises over a fallen building allowing one to see the source of the voices:
((Armok was right. This does pan out to be two actions. Doesn't affect much though.))
A strange procession of cultists in stained, torn robes shuffles through one of the few intact streets.
Their skin is visibly peeling, and their harsh monotonous chant is muffled by the distant sound of roaring flames and the occasional forceful explosion.
((Again, two actions. Unfortunately, the fact is true that adding these descriptions is helpful for conveying intent of an object. There are other ways, such as adding one or two descriptive words of the correct "flavor" for the audience to pick up on. All in all, an acceptable practice as long as the object in question is deemed at least vaguely important.))
As the chant continues, the camera races away from them, the chants quickly going into inaudiable ranges as the camera flies back to the group of humans...
((Fenrir's dropped because of flow issues... IE: Someone else dropped it, I just followed through in the compilation. All's well.))
The members of the ragged band of survivors increase their pace and their occasional mutterings become increasingly frantic...
The camera changes to to the eyes of some odd beast, whose vision is scarred by it's fury. The camera changes back quickly and suddenly.
The camera shows the group again, a bespectacled member of the group withdrawing a gleaming, black, handgun from his fur coat.
((Sentences combined...))
He says: "We need to keep moving..."
A particular chilly wind blows. The others look solemn, and the camera zooms ahead to...
...cheese. Everywhere there is cheese.
((Rather impolite, Fenrir, considering Armok's request, but there was a fabulous recovery.))
The camera zooms out, revealing a large advertisement over a skyscraper.
((I liked this one. Hard to come up with something after such an off-the-wall development, but this was a wonderfully flavor-friendly recovery. Good job.))
The advertisement creaks in the wind, before the iron holding it up gives way...
The advertisment begins to fall...
And with a disharmonious sound crashes into a red car wreck standing on the snowy street below.
((Armok, I want some indication on the actual effect here, as the grammar is horrid. I will edit it accordingly in the compilations.))
A small child in tattered rags looks out a window, peering towards the sound as radioactive ash begins to line the street...
((Implied camera flash. Suggestion that camera flashes be free actions and written in? Camera flash: Scene change with no transition. IE: Switching between faces in a dialogue. I may pull out some technical movie camera terms I learned when doing movie analysis in eleventh grade english and post them here, for increased post clarity. Woo.))
The cultists appear at the end of the street, walking down it, and the child turns to run...
((Camera movement is always appreciated.(Do some when neccessary) I will probably add the appropriate ones in neglected places when I dig up those terms.))
He dashes to the back of the ruined house, pulling open a trapdoor with steps leading down into darkness...
A voice in the dark tunnel calls out, the sound bouncing around the small, battered house...
"Chklidovak! Chklidovak darling are you there?!"
The small child yells out...
"The atomics are coming down the street!"
There is a sound of much running in the stairs.
In the background, the thunder of what sounds like a minigun suddenly blares out...
Then the camera rushes thought a corridor down several stairs and into a room so we can see what's going on.
((Note, kind of awkward phrasing, but meh.))
The room is a change of pace from the damage seen on the outside. On one side, it appears to be the average house's basement filled with potential apocalyptic amenities. On the other it is covered in metal, and appears to have a large metal blast door on the wall. A small family is huddled near the blast door.
((Can’t really comment on this one, since I made it. It does seem to derail some of the following responses by not giving an action to react to, and therefore making them think that there was not one, so they could make one.))
There is a bang from upstairs, followed by heavy footsteps, slowly getting louder... closer...
((We kinda lose continuity somewhere in here. I was pretty sure this was the house the ragged kid was climbing down the stairs into. The appropriate sequence to put here would be one where we go into a dialogue between the family and the kid, exposition on what exactly the “atomics” are, and probably a retreat into the blast doors. Further comments will be made on particularly derailing actions.))
A man with a US ARMY labelled uniform rounds the corner.
Three men follow scared behind him.
One of them is eating cheese.
The men walk down the stairway into the basement...
What little light there is flickers ominously...
((This little comment here doesn’t really make any dramatic sense. We haven’t even gotten a decent intro out yet. Problems are beginning to surface.))
The soldier speaks in a rough voice, "Night is falling... we must hide..."
The camera flashes for a moment to one of the cultists looking at the area in some map program on a laptop, then back to it's original position.
((Disappointed that this had no followup, but oh well.))
The camera changes angles in a blur as a monstrous howl is heard from the street...
((This one is totally out of line, doesn’t really fit the Story So Far (SSF), and is rather chaotic. Solution: Quit trying to jump to the middle of the movie. This is the beginning, we know this. As such, we must establish a number of entities and characters and stick with them. The constant shifting does not make for a smooth story.))
A very large shadow approaches from around the remains of a building...
...and begins to murmur words from a language no mortal has ever heard.
((Not too long, kind of cliché, due to the “no mortal” part. It could just be total gibberish for all the audience knows. As such, the descriptive word doesn’t exactly apply. It also falls into the off-theme category, as well as the ultrafast development one.))
It advances slowly, and the soldier cowers...
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Topic: Emergent Cooperative Comunity Storyteling Experiment A-001 (Read 10120 times)