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[MrGimp]

It's spring!  Back to the fields you filthy peasants!



236.  The fortress is thirty six years old (again).  Thirty two of those years are contained within this thread.

However something unusual happened this year.  Something that never happens. 



When the elves came, our dwarven champions rushed forth, but the foul creatures prostrated themselves on the ground and offered their silky-haired maidens to our men.  Knowing that silkiness would distract our fighting men, these elves gained entry to the fortress.  The Queen and her bodyguard MadMonkey24 blocked their way into the temple.  MadMonkey alone could slaughter the entire caravan.  The Queen most likely could as well, although shes not armed or armored.

"What in Armok's name are you doing here elves?" howled the Queen.

"We come to give you things!" cried the caravan master, holding forth a small chest of wooden baubles.

"You come here to die for many decades, now you want to give us things?  You are strange creatures elf!"

"Our Goddess, who is now known as Ayelawethy the Devoured Cherry, has ordered us to make amends with you, for you are more powerful than we can ever hope to be!  It was our mistake to not look to nature and see that the powerful eat the weak.  This is the way it must be for us from now on.  Our Goddess came to our retreat with your God Armok.  She submitted to him before our eyes, and told us we must do the same for you."

"Oh."  There was an odd look on the Queen's face.  "Well lucky for you I'm not into the sick shit Armok is."

MadMonkey laughed.  "Yeah, relax your buttholes fairy boys!"

Urist tried not to laugh at the tasteless joke, but a chuckle slipped through.  "Well what did you bring me slaves?"

"Uhhh...wooden stuff."

"If that's all you brought I'm afraid I'm going to have to kill you after all."

"No!  We have sun berries!  And sunshine!" cried the elf frantically.

"Pfff...you were stupid enough to trade me some sun berry seeds for some stone earrings thirty years ago.  I have all the sunberries and sunshine I could ever want!" laughed the Queen.  "In fact, I probably have more than you do!  I should be sending YOU caravans of the stuff, asshole!"

"Well....but we bring animals in cages!  I have a raccoon...dont you want a pet raccoon?" shrieked the elf.

There was a moment of silence.  "MadMonkey, do we have any raccoons?" asked Urist.

"None, your majesty," he answered.

"Good.  We'll take your raccoon!  We need it for modding.  Bring more exotic shit next time!  And give us all the meat you have....and what the hell I guess I'll take the sunshine too after all....you can never really have enough booze."

"Yes, my Queen!" said the elf with a bow.  He scurried off to unload the goods requested. 

Urist turned to MadMonkey.  "That elf just called me his Queen!"

"Your majesty has that affect on people," replied MadMonkey.

"Yes.  I suppose I do...."

[Soviet Travolta]

All that mattered was that the Duke would reign as Soviet Supreme, and mayor of Blockedlance.

I feel like Saddam Hussein after an election. Seems like it's beginning to come along nicely with Queen Urist. She's giving me fiendish grin and all. It's gonna be awful/awesome when she finally get that heir of hers.
Any improvement in the Duke/Queen relationship or Urist still nothing more than passing acquaintance with everybody?

[Jim Groovester]

"Oh."  There was an odd look on the Queen's face.  "Well lucky for you I'm not into the sick shit Armok is."

I guess rubbing herself with blood while copulating doesn't count as sick shit.

I'm marginally glad that my suggestion of ritual intercourse while bathing in blood was finally included. Marginally.

[Zulaf]

I'm marginally glad that my suggestion of ritual intercourse while bathing in blood was finally included. Marginally.

.....Wait was that meant only for the story?

Guess I gotta go tell the neighbors sorry for the "incident" with the cat.

[Innominate]

It's official people, I'm current. The only thing missing from this fortress is dragons chained to the corners of the temple roof.

If you could find it in your heart to give me a dwarf, I've got a somewhat unorthodox idea. A hammerdwarf who exclusively wields wooden hammers of base quality named Mario. For best results, should wear red-dyed clothing and have a liking for turtle shell. Italian accent optional.

[Jim Groovester]

I'm marginally glad that my suggestion of ritual intercourse while bathing in blood was finally included. Marginally.

.....Wait was that meant only for the story?

Guess I gotta go tell the neighbors sorry for the "incident" with the cat.

You disgust and amuse me.

[Aldaris]

I'm marginally glad that my suggestion of ritual intercourse while bathing in blood was finally included. Marginally.

.....Wait was that meant only for the story?

Guess I gotta go tell the neighbors sorry for the "incident" with the cat.

You disgust and amuse me.

You should be used to that by now, pretty much anything even vaguely to do with this story is disgusting and amusing, that's why we keep reading it.

[MrGimp]

All that mattered was that the Duke would reign as Soviet Supreme, and mayor of Blockedlance.

I feel like Saddam Hussein after an election. Seems like it's beginning to come along nicely with Queen Urist. She's giving me fiendish grin and all. It's gonna be awful/awesome when she finally get that heir of hers.
Any improvement in the Duke/Queen relationship or Urist still nothing more than passing acquaintance with everybody?

Her and the Duke are Friends now.  But theyve been friends for a year now with no further improvement.  I can only hold out hope that soon they will tie the knot.

[MrGimp]

It's official people, I'm current. The only thing missing from this fortress is dragons chained to the corners of the temple roof.

If you could find it in your heart to give me a dwarf, I've got a somewhat unorthodox idea. A hammerdwarf who exclusively wields wooden hammers of base quality named Mario. For best results, should wear red-dyed clothing and have a liking for turtle shell. Italian accent optional.

Sorry, Huesoo has dibs on the next Armok worshipping Hammerer.

I can make you a mushroom farmer named Mario though.   

[Argonnek]

It's official people, I'm current. The only thing missing from this fortress is dragons chained to the corners of the temple roof.

If you could find it in your heart to give me a dwarf, I've got a somewhat unorthodox idea. A hammerdwarf who exclusively wields wooden hammers of base quality named Mario. For best results, should wear red-dyed clothing and have a liking for turtle shell. Italian accent optional.

Sorry, Huesoo has dibs on the next Armok worshipping Hammerer.

I can make you a mushroom farmer named Mario though.   

Probably not a good idea, everyone would starve because he would stomp on them all. Or maybe it's the bet idea ever. You decide.

[Innominate]

Mushroom farmer is also good. It also makes him marginally more likely to survive, as he won't have to build pyramids or brave wildfires to fight goblins.

What about a regular hammerdwarf though, not a Hammerer?

[Tradanbattlan]

He could be a pump operator.

[nonobots]

Awesome!
Awesome as in inspiring fear and reverence.

Wicked!
As in evil, mischievous and full of trickery.

Can I be part of this nightmare? What's left for NPCs? I'd like whoever has a chance of some spotlight without being in the military. Nonobots would be the name.

Thanks and keep it coming!

[Eagle]

Awesome!
Awesome as in inspiring fear and reverence.

Wicked!
As in evil, mischievous and full of trickery.

Can I be part of this nightmare? What's left for NPCs? I'd like whoever has a chance of some spotlight without being in the military. Nonobots would be the name.

Thanks and keep it coming!

I can see your name dooming you.

"NO!!! NO BOTS!!!!!"
And then the robots ate him.

[MrGimp]

Mushroom farmer is also good. It also makes him marginally more likely to survive, as he won't have to build pyramids or brave wildfires to fight goblins.

What about a regular hammerdwarf though, not a Hammerer?

Haha, I just realized you asked for a hammerdwarf not the Hammerer.  My bad!

Well we don't have hammerdwarves here...but I can give a hammer to an axe lord if you want.  You'll still be legendary in all the defensive stats....but I doubt you would be able to make a dent in these demons for a while.  Also...the only free military dwarves left are old rebel dwarves.  These dwarves may soon find themselves in the arena.

Up to you.