It's spring! Back to the fields you filthy peasants!
236. The fortress is thirty six years old (again). Thirty two of those years are contained within this thread.
However something unusual happened this year. Something that never happens.
When the elves came, our dwarven champions rushed forth, but the foul creatures prostrated themselves on the ground and offered their silky-haired maidens to our men. Knowing that silkiness would distract our fighting men, these elves gained entry to the fortress. The Queen and her bodyguard MadMonkey24 blocked their way into the temple. MadMonkey alone could slaughter the entire caravan. The Queen most likely could as well, although shes not armed or armored.
"What in Armok's name are you doing here elves?" howled the Queen.
"We come to give you things!" cried the caravan master, holding forth a small chest of wooden baubles.
"You come here to die for many decades, now you want to give us things? You are strange creatures elf!"
"Our Goddess, who is now known as Ayelawethy the Devoured Cherry, has ordered us to make amends with you, for you are more powerful than we can ever hope to be! It was our mistake to not look to nature and see that the powerful eat the weak. This is the way it must be for us from now on. Our Goddess came to our retreat with your God Armok. She submitted to him before our eyes, and told us we must do the same for you."
"Oh." There was an odd look on the Queen's face. "Well lucky for you I'm not into the sick shit Armok is."
MadMonkey laughed. "Yeah, relax your buttholes fairy boys!"
Urist tried not to laugh at the tasteless joke, but a chuckle slipped through. "Well what did you bring me slaves?"
"Uhhh...wooden stuff."
"If that's all you brought I'm afraid I'm going to have to kill you after all."
"No! We have sun berries! And sunshine!" cried the elf frantically.
"Pfff...you were stupid enough to trade me some sun berry seeds for some stone earrings thirty years ago. I have all the sunberries and sunshine I could ever want!" laughed the Queen. "In fact, I probably have more than you do! I should be sending YOU caravans of the stuff, asshole!"
"Well....but we bring animals in cages! I have a raccoon...dont you want a pet raccoon?" shrieked the elf.
There was a moment of silence. "MadMonkey, do we have any raccoons?" asked Urist.
"None, your majesty," he answered.
"Good. We'll take your raccoon! We need it for modding. Bring more exotic shit next time! And give us all the meat you have....and what the hell I guess I'll take the sunshine too after all....you can never really have enough booze."
"Yes, my Queen!" said the elf with a bow. He scurried off to unload the goods requested.
Urist turned to MadMonkey. "That elf just called me his Queen!"
"Your majesty has that affect on people," replied MadMonkey.
"Yes. I suppose I do...."