Bay 12 Games Forum

Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Advanced search  
Pages: [1] 2 3 ... 5

Author Topic: The Elf files - A study of the Elven Race's Crimes  (Read 6189 times)

Plank of Wood

  • Bay Watcher
    • View Profile
The Elf files - A study of the Elven Race's Crimes
« on: November 29, 2008, 04:26:05 pm »

It has occured to me of the horrid race that we call the elves, my suspision first rose when an elven caravn guard happily stood by and watched as my forces were slaughtered by goblin attack, as they then later demanded that I stop cutting down local trees, without which we could not build beds, which would cause great distress to our residents. Therefore, I have constructed a report on the barbaric kind that is the dwarves.

Part 1: Hypocracy in the Elven Kind

It is widely known that elves dislike any harm caused to trees or creatures, going so far as to not accept trade goods that include bone, meat, wood, tallow, coal or anything which requires the above to be made. However, according to insider reports, Elves happily export some of the above goods. Elves commonly export wood, despite that they will not accept it and insult those that try to, and happily enslave and sell animals; despite the fact that they do not eat animal meat, they have no qualms with un-ethical treatment of them.
Even though they refuse to import wood and demand that other races do not cut down trees, elves mercilessly take fruit and berries from bushes. Although they consider chopping down trees "murder" and "slaughter", they do not consider the castration and torture of plants a crime; they simply consider them un-important. What's not to say they do not consider the same of other races? If they believe bushes inferior to trees and thus any pain towards them excusable, then it is possible they believe the same of us.

Part 2: Sabotage of Our Outposts

Elven traders commonly appear in spring, winter has usually severly weakened a pre-mature outpost, and the Elven traders could possibly save a dying fortress at this point. Elves are fully aware that bone crafts are the only export that an young fortress have, however they still refuse to accept them under the excuse that bonecrafts are "immoral"; they show off sun berries which could save a thirsty fortess, and refuse to accept anything that the fortress had made. Elves could be trying to wipe out early fortresses, so that they can move in and take control. They are jealous of our steel armour and weaponry, and envy our mighty stone walls; if they can refuse to help our outposts, they could possibly take them over when the inhabitents die from thirst.
They also demand to some of our fortresses that they do not cut down trees, despite the fact that elves commonly have wood for sale. Trees are an important resource for fortresses, they are only materials that beds and barrels can be made out of. Without barrels, alchohol cannot be made, and dwarves will be unhappy, and without beds, dwarves will be forced to sleep on the floor, making them even more unhappy. With the hardy lifestyle of dwarvern outpost dwellers, unhappyness could push dwarves off the edge, they could trantrum, cause damage and even kill other dwarves, the relatives and freinds of the injured or dead party would trantrum, and harm someone else. The elves wish for this to happen, as this means they can strike the weakened outpost; if we fall, the elves are nearlly assured world domination.

Part 3: Link with Animals

Elves seem to have a secret alliance with wildlife, their adventurers are never attacked by wild creatures, rouge animals that would gladly slaughter us a tenfold seem to ignore and even aid elves and seemingly willingly obey elves, which usualy sell them on their trade caravans. Elves have an army of animals behind them, every single Giant Eagle and Carp that kill your comrades without remorse allow passage for the elven kind.
Perhaps this is the reason why they wish for trees to remain up, they allow the animal armies of the elves to stay hidden, when elves finnally make the first strike against us, we would not be able to realise the congregation of their animal minions; there would simply be too many trees in the way. The only animals not effected by the Elven-Animal alliance seem to be our domesticated animals. War Dogs still kill elves should they attack us; this means dogs may be the key to over comming the pointy-eared menace. Every dwarf should have at least one war dog to protect them in case of Elven invasion; the puppy tallow roast industry should be ceased until dog numbers rise to a number that rivals that of the Elven Creatures.

Conclusion

The elven race seems to violate every law that we, and even they, have set. They are hypocrytes, slavers, plant toruturers, anarchists and warmongers; we should lock all of our gates against them, denying them any place to take over in thier covert seige attempts. All caravans should be wiped out, their goods stolen, and their traders killed as quickly as possible. All dwarf adventurers should kill any and all elf villages they come across. Stay safe, stay alert, stay dwarfern, and we shall overcome the pointy-eared menace.
Logged
The science of burning innocent children could be perfected into clockwork.
They're like little bearded corals.

Mikko

  • Guest
Re: The Elf files - A study of the Elven Race's Crimes
« Reply #1 on: November 29, 2008, 04:35:48 pm »

A very good conclusion, only that you forgot to mention how they eat the MEAT of their enemies!
Logged

IndonesiaWarMinister

  • Bay Watcher
    • View Profile
Re: The Elf files - A study of the Elven Race's Crimes
« Reply #2 on: November 29, 2008, 06:12:01 pm »

AND HOW THEY ARE PAEDOPHILE.

Come on, Elves are DF pedobears, for now. Especially since goblins seems to be mindful of the Genova Convention when caring for their prisoner  ;D
Logged

GoreTaco

  • Bay Watcher
  • Actually a brain in a jar
    • View Profile
Re: The Elf files - A study of the Elven Race's Crimes
« Reply #3 on: November 29, 2008, 06:48:04 pm »

Only you can prevent elves.
Logged
"Who's John Galt?"

Pilsu

  • Bay Watcher
    • View Profile
Re: The Elf files - A study of the Elven Race's Crimes
« Reply #4 on: November 29, 2008, 07:04:43 pm »

I really don't see how you could call the elves pedophiles. They don't have babysnatchers whereas goblins kidnap your children and they get violated by their demons until they become willing slaves to their cause

End the irrational elf hate!
Logged

IndonesiaWarMinister

  • Bay Watcher
    • View Profile
Re: The Elf files - A study of the Elven Race's Crimes
« Reply #5 on: November 29, 2008, 07:06:17 pm »

I really don't see how you could call the elves pedophiles. They don't have babysnatchers whereas goblins kidnap your children and they get violated by their demons until they become willing slaves to their cause

End the irrational elf hate!

Oh yeah, WHEN they aren't following Genova convention anymore, OK?

And, you never see loli elves? They are raped by the mature Elves! That means they are nearing Pedobears.
Logged

LegoLord

  • Bay Watcher
  • Can you see it now?
    • View Profile
Re: The Elf files - A study of the Elven Race's Crimes
« Reply #6 on: November 29, 2008, 07:24:09 pm »

What are rouge animals?  Do they wear makeup or something?

(I think the word you are looking for is "rogue."  Rouge is a type of makeup)
Logged
"Oh look there is a dragon my clothes might burn let me take them off and only wear steel plate."
And this is how tinned food was invented.
Alternately: The Brick Testament. It's a really fun look at what the bible would look like if interpreted literally. With Legos.
Just so I remember

Neoskel

  • Bay Watcher
  • Read or the owl will eat you.
    • View Profile
Re: The Elf files - A study of the Elven Race's Crimes
« Reply #7 on: November 29, 2008, 07:36:10 pm »

I chuckled at 'mercilessly take fruit and berries from bushes.'
Logged
Urist Mcsurvivalist has been accosted by edible vermin lately.

Goblins: The fourth iron ore.

Pilsu

  • Bay Watcher
    • View Profile
Re: The Elf files - A study of the Elven Race's Crimes
« Reply #8 on: November 30, 2008, 12:04:07 am »

What is it with the damn pedophiles? 4chan sewage is leaking in
Logged

Plank of Wood

  • Bay Watcher
    • View Profile
Re: The Elf files - A study of the Elven Race's Crimes
« Reply #9 on: November 30, 2008, 06:16:37 am »

I really don't see how you could call the elves pedophiles. They don't have babysnatchers whereas goblins kidnap your children and they get violated by their demons until they become willing slaves to their cause

End the irrational elf hate!

When did I call them pedophiles? I bring you perfectly well researched evidence and conclusions, and you then excuse it all by saying that I called them pedophiles. ::)
Logged
The science of burning innocent children could be perfected into clockwork.
They're like little bearded corals.

Styrre

  • Bay Watcher
    • View Profile
Re: The Elf files - A study of the Elven Race's Crimes
« Reply #10 on: November 30, 2008, 06:49:53 am »

I really don't see how you could call the elves pedophiles. They don't have babysnatchers whereas goblins kidnap your children and they get violated by their demons until they become willing slaves to their cause

End the irrational elf hate!

Irrational? There's nothing irrational about hating these vile creatures, who violate every dwarven law!
Also, they're taller than us and have no beards whatsover. They cannot be trusted.
Logged
The path to my fixed purpose is laid with iron rails, whereon my soul is grooved to run. Over unsounded gorges, through the rifled hearts of mountains, under torrents' beds, unerringly I rush! Naught's an obstacle, naught's an angle to the iron way!

Rhenaya

  • Bay Watcher
  • Usstan tlun natha hargluk ssinssriggin ilythiiri!
    • View Profile
    • X-Fire Profile
Re: The Elf files - A study of the Elven Race's Crimes
« Reply #11 on: November 30, 2008, 06:55:53 am »

save the trees, eat more beaver save the dwarfs, eat more elves
Logged
User Profile: http://df.magmawiki.com/index.php/User:Rhenaya
Mods: http://dffd.wimbli.com/who.php?id=554

From "Angroshs Kinder" Das schwarze Auge Zwergenhandbuch - (Angrosh Children, the dark eye, german pen&paper, dwarven handbook):
"Elves!? Their men dont wear beards, and their women bathe nacked to lure you into the water and drown you. Thank Angrosh they are as ugly as the day and all big and skinny."

JoshuaFH

  • Bay Watcher
    • View Profile
Re: The Elf files - A study of the Elven Race's Crimes
« Reply #12 on: November 30, 2008, 07:02:54 am »

I suggest we all worship Usbu Wickfiends, the demon leader of the largest goblin civilization in my world. Checking her info reveals that she has over 150 kills. All of them elves.

it is quite clear that we share the same interests.
Logged

Plank of Wood

  • Bay Watcher
    • View Profile
Re: The Elf files - A study of the Elven Race's Crimes
« Reply #13 on: November 30, 2008, 07:04:57 am »

I suggest we all worship Usbu Wickfiends, the demon leader of the largest goblin civilization in my world. Checking her info reveals that she has over 150 kills. All of them elves.

it is quite clear that we share the same interests.

This man is a genious! Quickly! We must make an alliance with the goblins so that we may defeat the pointy-eared menace!
Logged
The science of burning innocent children could be perfected into clockwork.
They're like little bearded corals.

Micr0

  • Bay Watcher
    • View Profile
Re: The Elf files - A study of the Elven Race's Crimes
« Reply #14 on: November 30, 2008, 10:10:14 am »


This man is a genious! Quickly! We must make an alliance with the goblins so that we may defeat the pointy-eared menace!
I second that notion! And it should be fairly easy seeing as Gobbos are now friendly to basically everyone.
Logged
Pages: [1] 2 3 ... 5