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[Vector]

-snip-

[soundandfury]

My feeble attempt at an epic...
http://www.bay12games.com/forum/index.php?PHPSESSID=4dfe70a4a40214bd71ed4f5d7fb9616a&topic=29587.0
I know this doesn't flow very well, but I can't work out why.

[Rysith]

My feeble attempt at an epic...
http://www.bay12games.com/forum/index.php?PHPSESSID=4dfe70a4a40214bd71ed4f5d7fb9616a&topic=29587.0
I know this doesn't flow very well, but I can't work out why.

Having read over the first post, I'd say the reason it doesn't flow well is that there isn't much connecting it, and there isn't much detail. It reads like you laid out some basic information you wanted to get across, and laid out one of them per sentence.

To get it to flow, make up some other details to connect things better. Mention previous parts, and think about the overall message that you want to say. Think of it as a conversation between you and the reader. Rather than

Anyway, afterwards she claimed she had "good news" - I should have been wary, the glint of malice was in her ☼Crystal glass eye☼, but I never was more than a dabbling Judge of Intent - I was to lead an expedition to found a new fortress.

you might try something like

After I was caught stealing, the Queen had me brought before her. To my surprise, she said that she had good news: If I agreed to lead an expedition to found a new fortress, I would not to be punished for my attempted theft. Alas, if I was more than a dabbling Judge of Intent, I might have noticed the malicious gleam in her ☼Crystal glass eye☼. Fool that I was, I thought that the post of expedition leader would be better than a hammering, and I accepted. It was then that she revealed the other part of the deal: I was to leave immediately, without time to prepare.

And from there, you can easily go on into îton Alåthïdath sending you off with an assortment of mostly useless people. You'll notice that I ended up drawing in other elements, like leaving immediately. It seemed like the right place to put it, and you shouldn't be afraid to reorder words and sentences to see if they fit better. I've probably gone and forced my own writing style on it, but hopefully it gives an idea of how to change the structure to get it to flow better.

[Maggarg - Eater of chicke]

I wrote this. Not strictly DF dwarves, more like a cross between them and the dwemer, I think.
http://trakov.deviantart.com/art/Under-the-mountain-70543778
Nothing new for ages because I can't remember my blasted password.

[Rysith]

About: Dorenemal
Author: Paulus Fahlstrom

Just a warning: Rise of the Fahlstrom Clan is way too long to give specific critiques in a reasonable amount of time, so I'll be focusing on the more general things, I've read the whole thing in the past, though.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

I lied, since I'm re-reading the beginning. The sentence "The king scarcely dared to breathe as the historian brought out not one, but several tomes, faded and worn, old by any account and worn, damaged and dirty almost beyond use." ends up awkward since you re-use "worn" and have two "ands". I'd remove the second "worn" and re-phrase to avoid one of the ands. Maybe "old by any account, their pages dirty and damaged almost beyond use"? Same issue in the next sentence, with re-using "laid"

You've also got a run-on sentence towards the end of the intro, starting with "It remained uncertain". I'd break it into three: the uncertainty, the possibility of war, and the book being the best choice.

Second post, you overuse apparently. Some synonyms (or omission) would be good. My technique is always to pretend I'm reading it aloud, which helps with catching awkward wording or repetition, not sure if that will work for you. I'll stop with the fine mechanics now, I promise.

Aside from that, excellent detail, especially as you seem to get into the flow of the story more. I like the use of other/recurring characters (Agna, the human merchants), especially when you were able to use it to provide excuses for game behavior. As a separate point, I enjoyed the lack of metagame commentary (like quoting from the game log). That, combined with the characterization, makes the story much more immersive.

Suggestion-wise, I'd say the major thing is avoiding the awkward phrasing and repetitive word use (though it seemed worst at the beginning). I'd also advise introducing too many non-DF things (the seeing window-thing sticks out there, for me) into the story, in that their presence may make future in-game events difficult to explain. In the future, it seems like you might also have to worry about not making the character list so complicated that it's hard to keep track of them all. The other warning is that people may lose interest if you drop too much Dwarf-fortress structure to increase the plotting between Paulus, Agna, and now Lozu. Not that the plotting is bad, of course.

Overall, I'd say that Dorenemal is one of the better-written community fortresses that I've read here, and certainly the one that has had the most thought given to the motivations and interactions between the characters outside of game events. The overarching plot seems well-integrated into the story, and gives it a sense of immersion that sets it apart from most DF-based stories (in my opinion). Aside from a few sentence structure stumbling blocks, it's well written and described, and I look forward to seeing where it will go in the future.

[Mephansteras]

I wouldn't mind getting feedback about The Redemption of Crowdedirons whenever someone has a chance.

It's not finished yet, but it will be eventually. And feedback now can improve the story going forward.

[darkflagrance]

I looked at the Redemption of Crowdedirons, and I found it very entertaining; certainly, it was successful in what it set out to accomplish: to both narrate the continuation of the story of the feckless worker who killed a hero and introduce the reader into the world of Civforge.

Actually, I feel that critique of your work is a bit beyond me; from what I can perceive it would have been successful had it been continued. I noted minor typos, but I'm victim to those myself. Perhaps one flaw is that there is not as much continuity between installments as there could be.

[Mephansteras]

Hey, that's a good reminder to me. I really need to go finish that story.