Bay 12 Games Forum

Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Advanced search  
Pages: 1 [2]

Author Topic: Idea: Writing workshop  (Read 3385 times)

Vector

  • Bay Watcher
    • View Profile
Re: Idea: Writing workshop
« Reply #15 on: January 12, 2009, 04:00:08 pm »

-snip-
« Last Edit: March 25, 2017, 02:50:15 pm by Vector »
Logged
"The question of the usefulness of poetry arises only in periods of its decline, while in periods of its flowering, no one doubts its total uselessness." - Boris Pasternak

nonbinary/genderfluid/genderqueer renegade mathematician and mafia subforum limpet. please avoid quoting me.

pronouns: prefer neutral ones, others are fine. height: 5'3".

soundandfury

  • Bay Watcher
  • Code monkey
    • View Profile
    • Just to the Left of Venus (aka dev-null)
Re: Idea: Writing workshop
« Reply #16 on: January 12, 2009, 04:21:49 pm »

My feeble attempt at an epic...
http://www.bay12games.com/forum/index.php?PHPSESSID=4dfe70a4a40214bd71ed4f5d7fb9616a&topic=29587.0
I know this doesn't flow very well, but I can't work out why.
Logged
It's maths, it must be true!
DF Designer

Rysith

  • Bay Watcher
    • View Profile
Re: Idea: Writing workshop
« Reply #17 on: January 12, 2009, 09:02:24 pm »

My feeble attempt at an epic...
http://www.bay12games.com/forum/index.php?PHPSESSID=4dfe70a4a40214bd71ed4f5d7fb9616a&topic=29587.0
I know this doesn't flow very well, but I can't work out why.

Having read over the first post, I'd say the reason it doesn't flow well is that there isn't much connecting it, and there isn't much detail. It reads like you laid out some basic information you wanted to get across, and laid out one of them per sentence.

To get it to flow, make up some other details to connect things better. Mention previous parts, and think about the overall message that you want to say. Think of it as a conversation between you and the reader. Rather than
Quote
Anyway, afterwards she claimed she had "good news" - I should have been wary, the glint of malice was in her ☼Crystal glass eye☼, but I never was more than a dabbling Judge of Intent - I was to lead an expedition to found a new fortress.
you might try something like
Quote
After I was caught stealing, the Queen had me brought before her. To my surprise, she said that she had good news: If I agreed to lead an expedition to found a new fortress, I would not to be punished for my attempted theft. Alas, if I was more than a dabbling Judge of Intent, I might have noticed the malicious gleam in her ☼Crystal glass eye☼. Fool that I was, I thought that the post of expedition leader would be better than a hammering, and I accepted. It was then that she revealed the other part of the deal: I was to leave immediately, without time to prepare.
And from there, you can easily go on into îton Alåthïdath sending you off with an assortment of mostly useless people. You'll notice that I ended up drawing in other elements, like leaving immediately. It seemed like the right place to put it, and you shouldn't be afraid to reorder words and sentences to see if they fit better. I've probably gone and forced my own writing style on it, but hopefully it gives an idea of how to change the structure to get it to flow better.
Logged
Lanternwebs: a community fort
Try my orc mod!
The OP deserves the violent Dwarven equivalent of the Nobel Peace Prize.

Maggarg - Eater of chicke

  • Bay Watcher
  • His Maleficent Magnificence of Nur
    • View Profile
Re: Idea: Writing workshop
« Reply #18 on: January 13, 2009, 06:37:56 am »

I wrote this. Not strictly DF dwarves, more like a cross between them and the dwemer, I think.
http://trakov.deviantart.com/art/Under-the-mountain-70543778
Nothing new for ages because I can't remember my blasted password.
Logged
...I keep searching for my family's raw files, for modding them.

Rysith

  • Bay Watcher
    • View Profile
Re: Idea: Writing workshop
« Reply #19 on: January 13, 2009, 04:28:08 pm »

About: Dorenemal
Author: Paulus Fahlstrom

Just a warning: Rise of the Fahlstrom Clan is way too long to give specific critiques in a reasonable amount of time, so I'll be focusing on the more general things, I've read the whole thing in the past, though.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Overall, I'd say that Dorenemal is one of the better-written community fortresses that I've read here, and certainly the one that has had the most thought given to the motivations and interactions between the characters outside of game events. The overarching plot seems well-integrated into the story, and gives it a sense of immersion that sets it apart from most DF-based stories (in my opinion). Aside from a few sentence structure stumbling blocks, it's well written and described, and I look forward to seeing where it will go in the future.
Logged
Lanternwebs: a community fort
Try my orc mod!
The OP deserves the violent Dwarven equivalent of the Nobel Peace Prize.

Mephansteras

  • Bay Watcher
  • Forger of Civilizations
    • View Profile
Re: Idea: Writing workshop
« Reply #20 on: January 13, 2009, 05:11:21 pm »

I wouldn't mind getting feedback about The Redemption of Crowdedirons whenever someone has a chance.

It's not finished yet, but it will be eventually. And feedback now can improve the story going forward. :)
Logged
Civilization Forge Mod v2.80: Adding in new races, equipment, animals, plants, metals, etc. Now with Alchemy and Libraries! Variety to spice up DF! (For DF 0.34.10)
Come play Mafia with us!
"Let us maintain our chill composure." - Toady One

darkflagrance

  • Bay Watcher
  • Carry on, carry on
    • View Profile
Re: Idea: Writing workshop
« Reply #21 on: November 26, 2009, 06:51:01 pm »

I looked at the Redemption of Crowdedirons, and I found it very entertaining; certainly, it was successful in what it set out to accomplish: to both narrate the continuation of the story of the feckless worker who killed a hero and introduce the reader into the world of Civforge.

Actually, I feel that critique of your work is a bit beyond me; from what I can perceive it would have been successful had it been continued. I noted minor typos, but I'm victim to those myself. Perhaps one flaw is that there is not as much continuity between installments as there could be.

Logged
...as if nothing really matters...
   
The Legend of Tholtig Cryptbrain: 8000 dead elves and a cyclops

Tired of going decades without goblin sieges? Try The Fortress Defense Mod

Mephansteras

  • Bay Watcher
  • Forger of Civilizations
    • View Profile
Re: Idea: Writing workshop
« Reply #22 on: November 29, 2009, 01:33:56 am »

Hey, that's a good reminder to me. I really need to go finish that story.
Logged
Civilization Forge Mod v2.80: Adding in new races, equipment, animals, plants, metals, etc. Now with Alchemy and Libraries! Variety to spice up DF! (For DF 0.34.10)
Come play Mafia with us!
"Let us maintain our chill composure." - Toady One
Pages: 1 [2]