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[Flintus10]

Kragus, "fufufu". Flint, "heeheehee". Syoan, "ANOTHER PUPPY HAS BEEN STRUCK DOWN EVERYONE!!".

And the whole month/weeks in the life of everyone were hilarious keep it up 

[OneMoreNameless]

- CHAPTER NINETEEN: But It's More Fun The Wrong Way -

What You Bastards Are Doing Wrong, A Public Announcement From Fatman

20th Limestone
Alright first of all, who the FUCK stole MY cookbook? I'm not imagining things here, it was right there just outside and some dwarf in this fortress has been taking my possessions without my permission and I swear to Armok you had better own up right now or I'll stop cooking and let all you bastards starve to death in about five years from now. Oh sure, I might have had the whole "mental breakdown" thing. Oh sure, I might have literally thrown the draft into the refuse pile and maybe there was just a little bit of swearing never to write such useless crap while fellow dwarves were being murdered but STILL. I'm over it. Move on. Admired my own fine container lately. Give me the book.

I was actually thinking of starting a new book, something like "Killing Your Fortress For Dummies, A How-Not-To Guide". It had a clever preface and everything. ("Living in a war zone; somewhere between a garbage dump and a meeting area, where goblins and kobolds are regularly dumped even WITHOUT hauling labors active.") I don't really blame Asno or the goblins for Vidar's death. If the goblins are attacking anyone here they must have a reason, and it can't be any worse than ours for sending Vidar and the other marksdwarves out to get involved. But I don't want any other dwarves to die, and I figured this place would be a great example for future generations of how NOT to run a fortress. If I can't be famous, I can at least settle for infamous. Or alive. I never really had that many recipes anyway, but I was going to use the other notes as a starter for the first draft, at least until somebody STOLE them, just in case I hadn't mentioned that yet.

Instead, I'm just going to be taking new notes as a go along, and every time I do, I'm giving them straight to Strife to scream into the ears of every dwarf in the fortress until I get my cookbook back. Strife loves the gossip so much he's actually agreed to pay ME for the task. Enjoy the ringing.

1st Sandstone
WHY are you withdrawing the military? Unless Syoan is talking out of his arse we know there's still at least one kobold alive stealing everything not tied down! Hmph, I'm just glad I work straight across from the barracks. Anyway, the merchants have arrived. Ruins has started channeling the two dug out levels underneath the dark tower together, just so it falls further. Have you thought maybe we should be attacking the goblins actually hostile towards us? I'm just checking.

The Tax Collector is a legendary engraver now, but Ruins still has to have stern words to him to stop laboring and keeping perfect records before he comes out to trade. The merchants have a couple of charcoal and logs, a few cages and a few barrels. One of the cages is worth 9580 somehow (NOT happening), but we're actually willing to pay 3275 for one barrel, which should really demonstrate how desperate we are here. Several offers are rejected, and the merchants begin to lose their patience. Before they accept the trade we have to haul up all of the totems, crowns and other lighter trinkets to offer. The mechanisms are too heavy, which could be a problem if the caravans keep ignoring us.

There are also camels wandering outside. Ivanor started catapulting boulders, but never hit any of them. Annoyed, he called for Flint to shoot them down for their bone, but Flint was sleeping. You live today, camels. Strife, shake your fist here.

18th Sandstone
The merchants leave. Ruins orders everyone to stop dumping stone into the fortress, since we're not using that much now Ivanor is bored of catapult practise. Our fortress stinks, seriously, will people stop leaving rotting meat around the place or SOMETHING because the miasma is spreading all over the place like an overeager stripper. Or so I heard. You ... can probably leave our that bit, Strife.

Uh, so, every time I hear Syoan yell "CALF" I think "BONE". It seems a shame to waste masterwork bolts on targets, but our military is poorly trained and we're not exactly drowning in options. There are many delicious things you can do with a plump helmet, but no dangerous ones. Unless you want the goblins to choke to death. Which I doubt would work, but we have so much perfectly prepared foodstuffs going to waste we might as WELL donate some to Asno rather than leave it to rot.

Oh hey, that other bone carver has been taken by a fey mode, and it looks like he's started working without any ingredient dramas. Kragus is going to be pissed.

23rd Sandstone


(One hundred screencaps and what awesomeness do I get for it? ... "Syrupblossom".)

... I don't CARE if it's worth over 56000 value, that it is without a doubt the wimpiest artifact ever. Half the fortress still gathers around to ooh and aah it, but that's only because without any dumping they don't have jobs. The Tax Collector seems less concerned than I thought he would be, like he's distracted by something more important. Hmph, If I had my way, I'd recruit the whole lot of them to stand as meatshields between the surface and me. I feed the bastards, after all. (STRIFE'S NOTE: I DO TO, YOU KNOW. AND THOSE OTHER FEW FARMERS.)

The butcher's shop looks like it has ... masterwork ... clutter? We really need a bigger food stockpile sometime. Instead, Ruins has arbitrarily changed her plans to something more sensible (than what she was doing, anyway): An outer channel. It's being dug around the north, west and south of the fort, with entry granted via two retractable bridges to the north east and south east. Only once the work is started does it occur to anyone that the western channel borders on what has already been dug underneath the dark tower. Which has the problem that invaders could take the escape staircase built for Kornash a while back, wind around a bit, and emerge into our fortress from the cemetery. Not good. The escape staircase is channeled around and a lockable door installed in the tunnel from the cemetery to the dug out levels, just in case an invader is knocked into the pit or something. NO POSSIBLE TROUBLE CAN COME FROM THIS DECISION. Strife, you do know what sarcasm is, right?

10th Timber
Somehow the outer perimeter was completed without any miners trapping themselves, good job dwarves! I think? Ivanor and Syoan spend a few minutes boasting, insulting and generally annoying the hell of out each other while they hooked up the bridges to a lever labeled "Outer brides". Some kind of sexual joke or an innocent typo? I'm afraid to ask. I'm sure the two will have plenty of time to get over their differences while they're installing the fifty additional stone traps around the bridges. The look on their faces when they were told was priceless.

[Author's Note: I accidentally saved over the original screenshot at that point, so this one comes SLIGHTLY FROM THE FUTURE! Exciting, isn't it?]


(Now my dwarves walk even further into danger to collect discarded bones. Excellent.)

18th Timber
We've had a cave in. The miners were careless while designating areas of the floor to dig out, and a single space plummeted down a single level. One miner fell down with it, and the dust knocked out two others, but thankfully nobody was hurt. Interestingly, the floor underneath the cave in is loam now. There must be SOME way to exploit that and grow food deep underground without irrigation, but somehow I don't think it would be worth the risk, or effort. Although I totally could if I wanted to.


(Sleepy time for Atir!)

7th Moonstone
I KNEW this would happen eventually. A miner ended up stuck while channeling the floor. The support lever on the lower level counted as a floor, and they gleefully stood on it while channeling their own path out. Someone had to rebuild the floor to rescue the idiot.

12th Moonstone
You know guys, somebody should probably test that bridge before we're attacked again. ... Okay, so both sides retract well, now we need to try ...


(Yes, this actually happened about ten seconds after I thought of it. Yes, Kragus is dead.)

Oh crap somebody OPEN THE BRIDGES and get everybody back inside the fortress! Aah, there's no way Kragus is going to make it! Wait, wait, he's using his last few seconds of life make a break for it towards Asno, honourably sacrificing his own life to buy time and lure the goblins towards a distraction. Truly, he is a hero who cared for nothing more than the lives of his fellow dwarves.

Eighteen Seconds In The Life Of: Kragus, Bone Master

12th Moonstone
I did fucking not. Oomph! Hmblearg! Urgh ... Dark Lord in mountain deep, my bones shall be a decor for your ascension, I COME TO THEE!

What You Bastards Are Doing Wrong, A Public Announcement From Fatman

17th Moonstone


(Is that engraver determined or what.)

You know, if you'd cared this much about Kragus BEFORE he'd died we might not have lost another founding dwarf. You know what? New rule. And I went right up to Ruins to get this allowed, so I'll set Kornash on anyone who breaks it. No collecting refuse from outside, no collecting death items, don't even thinking about bringing back the corpse unless you're given EXPLICIT permission. Oh and another thing? Every single object outside of our bridges is now mass forbidden. Do your mourning in safety, I'm sick of this ...

23rd Moonstone
Okay, all the goblins are dead or have fled from one of Asno's priests. NOW you can bring the corpse in.

7th Opal
Hey, some camels ran into our stone traps. Two died instantly, and a third lay mortally wounded while Syoan casually reloaded the traps. If our butcher's shop weren't so busy culling puppies again (they're clogging up the statue room again. If we ever have to run for our lives I'm pretty sure our cats would prefer we tripped over them and died that way instead) we'd have even more meat that'll never actually be eaten, but still, free bones are nice. It'll feel kind of weird not having our bolts covered in Kragus's drool (don't ask), but we DO still have a legendary bone carver and all.

You know what? Those two dug out area are channeled out enough. The team of miners have started channeling the outside of the dark tower while the guards look down worriedly. Oh ho ho ho, not you Ruins. I have a signed petition from all the migrants that you stay inside in safety and make statues. For, uh, decorating the trapped bridges. Yeah.

16th Opal
Another miner gets themselves trapped, this time alongside the dark tower. JUST JUMP DOWN. I'LL CATCH YOU, HONEST. Or you could, I guess, waste time having somebody build a floor to let you over and then waste a door to make you sure you deconstruct the floor from a non-idiotic direction. That works too. More worryingly, our legendary bone carver has managed to find bones in the dark tower that technically weren't forbidden. Even when the order to carve them is canceled he still runs all the way out to them before coming back. On the up side, at least they weren't from the tower we're about the collapse, which is sadly an improvement in dwarven reasoning.

24th Opal
It's ready! It's ready! Okay, I know I'm advocating defence over stupid pointless attacks on the only nonhostile creatures in the area, but you can't help but get a little excited. Asno is watching from a tower further away, looking nervous and helplessly offering several barrels of tea. (Or boiling oil, I'm not sure.) Flint is standing by with the military just in case there are counterattacks or new weaknesses in our defence. I think this is the first time I've seen Kornash smile, it's a little disturbing. Strife is going around warning everybody about the dangers of inhaling dust. Syoan and Ivanor are arguing with each other about the exact consequences. Ruins and The Tax Collector are watching silently. Nym is the only dwarf hiding away somewhere rather than watching.

Ruins speaks, "Ivanor, kindly pull that lever."
"You mean the one labeled Do Not Ever Ever Touch?"
"It says Collapse Dark Fortress."
"Pfft, if you hadn't dug out this thing, I'd say you were no fun."


(Waaaiiit for it ...)


(SFX: WHOMPH.)


(Wow, somebody actually survived. Well, temporarily.)

Hey, free obsidian. And I think some of those guys weapons and ammo survived the fall, somebody needs to dig those out before we seal the place up. Oh and The Tax Collector, Flint says he can only see seven of them alive elsewhere; three guards, a priestess, a farmer, a swordsman and Asno himself.

[rickvoid]

I got killed? Crap.
Love Kragus' last words though. 

[Jamini]

There were survivors? Obviously you didn't undermine it deep enough.

[OneMoreNameless]

There were survivors? Obviously you didn't undermine it deep enough.

After a few dwarf days the only survivors were on OTHER towers (there were three separate towers on the map, two are still standing.) I'd collapse them too, but it somehow feels crueler to leave the last few friendlies alive to be slowly taken out by ambushes. Plus I figure it's about time to start exploratory mining, and as of the end of the next chapter I have ... other problems to contend with.

[OneMoreNameless]

- CHAPTER TWENTY: Consequences -

What You Bastards Are Doing Wrong, A Public Announcement From Fatman

1st Obsidian
Ruins has been searching through the wreckage of the dark tower looking for anything salvageable we can dig out. The first thing she noticed was a human leather amulet. I can't be sure, but I don't recall anyone other than humans on that tower when it collapsed. That's kind of creepy. Other than that, Ruins has marked a few earrings, bolts and a couple of iron weapons that she wants dug out before the area is sealed off. Apparently I'm not worth an obsidian bedroom. Hmph, does she not see the TWO THOUSAND units of food and ale sitting around? How many wood logs could we buy with THAT?! Bonecrafts have nothing on my lavish feasts, I'm trading a few for some armour or something next time we have merchants. (I've heard cloth images are being sewn to help trading as well, but who cares about that?) Of course, only about ten percent of that is ale due to the lack of barrels.

A moderate stone stockpile has been dug out underneath the central staircase, it might save a few steps later if the catapults get heavy use or something. A couple of dogs have been tied up by the outer bridges to act as a warning system for ambushes. You'd think somebody would have bothered to at least train them, but no. Unnoticed to anyone before now, Kornash has hit legendary. At pump operating. We REALLY need to give that dwarf a day job, but at least Strife is impressed how fit Kornash is getting.

18th Obsidian
In an impressive display of awareness, two miners have gone hungry for a couple of weeks when somebody forgot to unlock the access tunnel to the wreckage. Although, I'm not sure they ended up down there at all if nobody had opened it since the collapse. Meanwhile, dwarves dumping rock from the expanded food stockpile seem to be picking the furthest possible dumping zone for some reason, and when Ruins decided to briefly allow outside refuse collecting for bones HALF THE GODDAMN FORT ran all over the place only to come back with SKULLS. I swear to god, if Ruins forgets to forbid refuse hauling from other dwarves than us foundies they're all going to get slaughtered the same way Kragus was. On the upside, the rush of idiot dwarves towards the dark fortress after on the collapse of one of the towers absolutely TERRIFIES Asno.

27th Obsidian
Flint is now a legendary champion! What does this mean for our fortress? It means that our only decent hunter will refuse to hunt if asked. Killing camels isn't good enough for Flint anymore, no, now he's a "connoisseur" of death. I don't think he even knows what the word means. I don't think he even knows it IS a word, he just picked random syllables and got lucky.

More helpfully, Ivanor was recently taken by a fey mood. Most of what he required was available, but he demanded Ruins chissel out a couple of stone blocks before he continued. Syoan tied himself in front of the mason's workshop in a bid to stop Ivanor becoming double legendary, but forgot we had TWO mason's workshops. I don't think anybody has bothered to untie him yet. Anyway, Ivanor went to work and came out with a pretty uninteresting mechanism, only worth 7200 value. Ivanor insisted that it was nevertheless "highly functional", then proceeded to rub it in everyone's face that he was further undeniably more awesome than Syoan.


(Fatman neglects to mention that he is now the only surviving, nonlegendary founding dwarf.)

1st Granite
The collapsed dark tower has now been sealed off with a constructed wall, so our defences SHOULDN'T have any more flaws. There was some discussion about collapsing the other two towers, but The Tax Collector reasoned that it wouldn't be worth twice the effort for only seven kills and Kornash was about to walk out and fight Asno alone if we didn't start looking for water to safeguard sparring.

Yes, our fortress finally gets around to exploratory mining, not for ore, not for gems, but to find WATER. Congratulations dwarves, you've reached an all new low of dwarfiness. After observing the area and consulting her maps (double checking, this time) Ruins guesses there should be an underground water supply to the nor north west. Her and the other miners start digging a looooong passage out that way, wide enough for two dwarves to fit through. Unless they run into anything on the way, they plan to start digging narrow tunnels in a grid pattern around the area. If nothing then, they'll try further up or down.

18th Granite
Another kobold ambush, spotted by one of the guard dogs. Most of them are to the north of our fortress, but a few are heard elsewhere in the dark fortress (sadly, those were killed without any casualties on Asno's side). Flint and Ivanor rushed out deal with the kobolds, but most of them were killed by the traps. Syoan rushed out to reload them, not getting very far before running back inside away from the kobolds. (Really, what did he think would happen?) Ivanor just laughed and loaded the nearest catapult, but Flint and the military had undramatically shot the rest down before they got within range.

Oooh, one of the miners has struck goshenite. I don't know what that IS, but I'm informed by Nym it's valuable. Syoan reloads the stone traps and one of the marksdwarves grabs a quiver from the corpses. Somebody ties another dog right next to the corpse of the first. It ... doesn't look very happy about that. Oooh, cat's eye. [Author's Note: Coincidental timing? Fluffy thinks not!] Blaaah, elven merchants. The Tax Collector orders the crafts and mechanisms to be brought out to trade. Because, the pack animals are going to be able to carry SO MANY of those. Can we just squash the elves and EAT their animals instead?

24th Granite
One of the miners struck ore, galena. It might be useful if we really need a metal chain or something, but we have more important things to use wood for than fuel. It turns out the elves actually brought a useful 32 wooden logs. Nothing else we wanted, but still, maybe they're not THAT bad. The Tax Collector traded a single mechanisms for all the wood and ordered everything hauled back inside again. Why does nobody every check these things BEFORE we waste all that time bringing goods out in the first place?! (STRIFE'S NOTE: IT'S GOOD EXERCISE, THAT'S WHY.)

Ahem. Our carpenter has started constructing twenty beds out of the wood, and ten barrels. The miners have halted their other tasks to dig out more bedrooms in case more migrants arrive, and furniture building, engraving and the like is gradually being done. A few idle dwarves are bringing back another cluster of cat's eye from the mines. I'm sure cutting the various gems will keep Nym busy, and give idle dwarves something to haul all the way out up, but nobody has told to tell me what we're actually going to DO with them.

14th Slate
Speak of the devils ... Nym? I'm going to need your help introducing this latest wave of livers and Strife you'd better start brewing.

Lady Ruins Practises Her Dramatic Monologues

14th Slate
With the falling of the dark tower, the strength of our own fortress was demonstrated to more than just Asno. The goblins and kobolds that thought mere ambushes would suffice will soon realise it will take far stronger forces to topple US. But the goblins are too scared of disturbing whatever is hidden here, and the kobolds on this island were never more than ragtag scavengers. Neither group shall prove a problem and Asno's numbers are too few to do much but cower in his standing towers. The bloodlust in this fortress grows, and with each victory, so to do our numbers. More untrained dwarves thinking they are safe from all danger. For now, perhaps. But it is not only water I search for deep underground, and when the whole world sees this battle, my endgame will draw closer ...

But to present matters. Before they even reach the outer defences the migrants are attacked by a kobold. Unfortunately for the thief, the first migrant is a ranger, and the group is barely slowed. The total of all migrants are: A ranger, peasant, carpenter, glassmaker, engineer, brewer, dyer, peasant, peasant, animal carer, soap maker, peasant, metalsmith, dyer, metalsmith, mechanic, peasant, trapper, hunter and one last peasant. The ranger and hunter are recruited into the military under Flint, while half a dozen or so are noted down by Kornash to be recruited and trained in melee combat once we have located water. A few are given access to the pumps in the meanwhile, although their stamina is amusingly short compared to Kornash's. [Author's Note: That's what she said!] The rest have more useful labors assigned by the Tax Collector where needed. Now our population is sufficient for a fortress guard Kornash is demanding private rooms. His requests are ignored, since with any luck he will be just another recruit soon enough.

6th Felsite
Aside from engraving, the new bedrooms have been completed and assigned to the migrants. As a small and meaningless reminder of his now technically higher ranking, The Tax Collector banned the export of nickel silver exports. He has been requested private chambers too. Several of the more disapproving and bloodthirsty dwarves seriously suggested killing him. A warning that THEY could be chosen as the next mayor was all it took to deter him. It would be like a whack a mole game but with nobles, hmm. My future uses of The Tax Collector are kept to myself, even from The Tax Collector's prying watch. He should know I can not trust him with them. I designated a few rooms to be dug out, but unsurprisingly, the miners preferred to keep digging down in the mines, unearthing a few more gem clusters. Ah well, but of I course I tried.

18th Felsite
The Tax Collector called in a favour with Syoan (something to do with stock records) to have him repeatedly yell The Tax Collector's displeasure all day and night. After several dwarves were unable to sleep I undesignated the mines and ordered the miners back out to dig and furnish the rooms. Another kobold thief was spotted, but this one ran away after encountering a camel on her period.


(Excuse me, but WHAT do you think you are doing in the mayor's private chambers?)

10th Hematite
Green tourmaline, golden beryl, rubicelle, pink tourmaline. The stockpiles actually needed tweaking to account for all the gems we've been lucky enough to find. With these, the mechanisms, a few more bonecrafts, a reasonable amount of clothing and plenty of prepared meals we certainly don't have any shortage of tradeable goods. Hopefully a dwarven or human caravan will arrive soon, as we are still lacking in other vital supplies such as wood or ammo. We've had the livestock dumped back into the pen again, the hallways are crowded enough with sixty one dwarves as is. Fatman has been muttering that as he is now a legendary grower he really deserves a safe room or something. He over worrying as always, we ...


(What?)


(WHAT.)


(In retrospect, collapsing a tower full of innocent HUMANS probably wasn't such a great idea. Or the insane diplomat thing.)

Hmm.

[Muno syoan]

Well, at least the tax collector untied me (eventually). And for your information, the only thing I did to the stocks was assign a couple of (Ivanors') things for dumping. 
This is a fantastic story by the way.
Also, Humans = bones = shooting the next human seige with bone bolts made from the first human seige. Fun times, fun times.

[OneMoreNameless]

- CHAPTER TWENTY ONE: It's Divisible By Seven! Less Excitingly, A Siege. -

What You Bastards Are Doing Wrong, A Public Announcement From Fatman

10th Hematite
HUMANS?! In OUR fortress?! It's more likely than we thought! Really, this what The Tax Collector gets for letting the diplomat go insane. And did I not tell everyone that collapsing the tower was a waste of time? Because I distinctly recall that part. Obviously the humans deserved it for working under that bastard goblin Asno, nobody would deny that, but if we'd spent the time productively we could have bribed the whole army off even if they HAD attacked! Flint is ecstatic, rousing the military and heading up to the crossbow towers. Ivanor and a few others are waiting by the catapults in case the invaders actually get close enough to be hit by a boulder. Our guard dogs seems to be missing. I don't know if they fell in the channel or camels ate them what. It doesn't matter. Our catapults are loaded. Our crossbows towers are manned. Our battle cries are issued. ("Madness? This. Is. MAAAAASTAAAAAPIECE ENGRAVING BY THE TAX COLLECTOR!") We are ready to fight. And by "we" I mean "most other dwarves while I stay behind to produce delicious food for our victorious warriors", naturally.

14th Hematite
We wait nervously as the humans march slowly southwards. Today a miner emerged from digging to get a drink:

"Hey guys, this is AWESOME, we struck ORTHOCLASE! Yeah! Wait, why is everyone looking so serious? ... Oh. Sorry. I'll just ... nevermind."

15th Hematite
Okay. Okay. Don't panic. Don't get angry. This is actually a good thing, right? We're technically safer, we didn't waste that much effort, we have more time to ... Fuck it! Stupid humans ruin all our fun. Why couldn't they have just SPECIFIED they were on our side rather then blow their horns and declare a siege? I still don't trust them. Nobody even think about lowering our defences.


(Humans are such spoilsports.)

Hmph. Not that anyone is paying much attention to what's happening inside our fortress right now, but one of our peasants marked for the meleetry (as Kornash plans to call it) was possessed. He heads down to our wood stockpiles and grabs a couple of our emergency logs. He's hiding away in one of the craftsdwarf's workshops now, muttering about all the OTHER things he wants. A shell, a metal bar, leather, MORE wood. This has better be good.

17th Hematite
Despite being almost universally hated, The Tax Collector has been reelected mayor. I think everybody is just scared to be in a noble position after Ivanor's discussions regarding possible death traps for them.

19th Hematite
Asno! The human army have found him atop one of the standing towers and they're preparing to fight!


(If hair was implemented yet Asno's would now be gold and spiky.)

They're standing still, staring at each other. The humans are yelling some kind of accusation, I've got no idea what they're saying. Asno replies calmly, drawing his sword. The humans laugh and Asno smirks, offering them a teacup. One of the marksdwarves shatters it with a single bolt. Asno is saying something else. The humans are furious again, and the wind carries down a single word for us watching dwarves ... "demon".

Asno charges the nearest pikeman, but he barely does any damage through the armour. The pikeman stabs back, wounding Asno's left lower arm. Asno readies another attack, but before he can strike all the crossbowers fire at once. (Flint is booing, I think he wanted to steal those bolts for himself.) Asno is winded and in pain, striking the pikeman again in the lower right arm. Another half dozen bolts fly and ...


(This was actually sad to watch.)

Aaaaaaaaand you know that sword is going to be stolen when this siege is over. I mean, look at that thing. Kornash could pull of badass with that sword so much more than Asno. I wonder if he'd agree to be my personal body guard if I brought him that, I mean damn.


(All it really needs is carp bones somewhere.)

20th Hematite
Whatever it is possessing the peasant has started working. None of the miners have found any traces of water, so they're trying again a few levels down. Ruins could probably get away with a wider grid, but I suppose we are finding a reasonable number of gems and the like this way. Outside, the humans are searching the dark fortress and killing Asno's former guards. Only three are left alive. Oh, and another kobold managed to sneak into our fortress while we were distracted. It was killed with one bolt from a wrestler. Firm, but fair.

24th Hematite
Despite all the items that were taken to make this mysterious construction, including several wooden logs, a metal bar and enough leather for full torso armour, the peasant produced a single earring, worth 19200. With how much that wasn't worth it, I'm almost wishing we'd just let him go insane.


(I like to imagine the peasant now wearing something about the size of a table off their ear.)

28th Hematite
The Tax Collector tells us only a farmer and a swordsman are left alive from the dark fortress, hiding away somewhere. The humans finally leave the tower and start marching southwards, out of the area. Are they serious? They're not even going to come over and say hello, maybe trade a few goods? Ugh, boring, but I suppose it's better than pointy flying death. One by one they vanish from view and Ruins declares the siege over. Nym is holding back tears of relief, and Flint is holding back tears of sadness as the last few leave. Actually, one of them seems to be hobbling rather than marching. I think he was wounded fighting the guards.


(Wavyrhyming is a wimpy name, but he'll shoot with a bolt all the same, if not avoid pain. (Yeah, that was lame.))

Once Flint notices the straggler, he grabs his crossbow and charges out with half of the military, determined to get at least ONE kill from the siege. Flint is far away, but twice the human falls briefly unconscious. It's close, but one of the less skilled marksdwarves get there in time, missing half a dozen times before killing him. The human's quiver and bolts are quickly liberated. Kornash demands somebody brings him Asno's sword and a few other bolts and shields from around the area. A few dwarves rush out to get them while Flint stands guard nearby. At least until he gets thirsty, and a handful of camels wander by. Luckily everybody makes it back alive and with a few trophies. THIS time.

Fortress Records (Filed By The Tax Collector)

22nd Malachite
The miners have struck native gold. A valuable find, and a significant amount has been dug out, but with no reliable source of fuel we cannot make any real use of the value. As yet, no water has been located.


(But on the other hand, if Fatman ever felt like blue furniture for some reason, Ruins could be all over that.)

24th Galena
The miners have struck silver, equally as nonproductive as gold. More positively is, the mining has located a variety of gems that Nym has cut ready for use, and two additional miners have achieved legendary skill.


(I almost want to set up specific, tiny stockpiles to install trafic lights around the fortress.)

9th Limestone
Dwarven merchants and the usual liaison have arrived, bringing several caravans with them. The population is excited at the prospect of long awaited supplies as well as removing much of the functionless clutter from the fortress. I order any idle dwarves to begin bringing out mechanisms, gems, clothing and prepared food. The miners have struck another silver vein, but Ruins has not wasted time digging this one out.

13th Limestone
Several miners have simultaneously emerged to inform everyone that they have found damp stone. Given this information we can deduce the location of the water, but Ruins has decided to wait until after trading and its aftermath is complete before starting the task of carefully directing enough water close to the fortress and constructing a well.

17th Limestone
A (presumably traitor) human has sprung from ambush, followed by a number of goblins. Flint and Ivanor are dispatched as usual. Two invaders are quickly killed by the marksdwarves. The others attempted to enter via southern bridge. One is killed by a trap, and the others hang back nervously until a mechanic attempts to reload it. The goblins and human then charged forward to attack, to be killed by other traps and further crossbow fire. Only two were left alive, one chasing a loose dog north, away from the fortress, and the other stuck inside our channels. Business with the merchants is resumed.

19th Limestone
Two children have been born. It is not encouraging to learn that some dwarves have had enough free time for romance during these last few years. A baby boy was born from a clothier, and a girl from a dyer. It should be a long thirteen years before they can be put to work, although our existing child has managed to reach competency in growing.

20th Limestone
Trading is complete. An abridged version of the events is as follows:

Merchant A: Wat u want. make offer.
The Tax Collector: "DO WANT: Few metal bars, lots of wood, cows/dogs in cages, decent number barrels w/ale, four more picks, bunch of bags (some w/flour etc.), why not some cloth and leather bins, all those hella expensive bolts, couple of spare anvils, all that unprepared meat, and even those four steel enormous corkscrews for good measure.
Merchant A: hahahahaha no
Merchant B: LOL, it's like FOURTY FIVE THOUSAND VALUE!!11!1!eleventyone!!
The Tax Collector: GTG, BRB.
Merchant B: Pfft, noob. >_>
* The Tax Collector is known as The Tax Collector (away)
<snip>
The Tax Collector: Give you 75k for it.
Merchant A: ...
Merchant B: O_O
The Tax Collector: :P
Merchant A: Donedomedonedondonedone!
* Merchant A has left #Trader Depot
Merchant B: kthxbye

[OneMoreNameless]

- CHAPTER TWENTY TWO: What? -

Fortress Records (Filed By The Tax Collector)

20th Limestone
The moment news of additional supplies spread around the fortress I received a large number of requests for superlative projects. Examples: Ivanor suggested a game of pick up sticks with the bolts, Fatman suggested constructing a wooden tomb to honour Vidar, Nym suggested that we stop killing the dogs and start training them. All were disapproved. Instead, construction has begun on two additional catapults to be positioned to the east of our fortress. The carpenters will practise with them when we have no wood and will be able to attack invaders earlier than our current two. I am also now managing the construction of twenty additional bedrooms in preparation for our next migrant wave.


(Paperwork is exciting!)

Unfortunately we cannot construct furniture any further to the east or south [Author's Note: Too close to the edge of the map, although I could still dig there. Justify THAT in nongame terms, I dare you.] so the design will become increasingly inefficient if it needs further expanding. Further gems are being brought up from the mines to be cut, lavish food is being constantly cooked, cloth and even silk production is in progress. Webs have been found in the mines, but their distance makes gathering very, very slow. Despite all the food, some dwarves (the most recent a wrestler with one kobold kill) have been seen eating helmets straight from the field. Strife is impressed, Fatman ... less so.

27th Limestone
Gems have been located during the digging of the new bedrooms, but they are being ignored rather than break the design. One dwarf already has platinum walls. Meanwhile, the food stockpile has been expanded again and a second kitchen and still have been constructed.

We have been ambushed again, by a number of goblins and two humans. Taking into consideration what information the merchants shared, it is assumed the goblins and humans have formed an alliance for the purpose of destroying this and the dark fortress. It is likely the goblins exchanged or promised some significant riches for this, even if our group has long been considered rogue, as Asno was. In this attack several invaders succeeded in passing our first trap cluster, if only by treading a now safe path marked by corpses. The marksdwarves killed them easily. Their weapons and shields are being collected, and the guard dogs replaced.


(See, the humans are clever enough to let their meatshilds valued allies go first.)

8th Sandstone
I have mandated the construction of two querns, only to be "mandated in return" that I validate the standing orders. Only once I had done so was I informed we already had two querns in use. Many dwarves have been refusing to other complete orders such a reloading traps, and after some investigation I found a living goblin wrestler inside the channels was worrying them. Pointing out they were in no actual danger did not, unsurprisingly, help. Lady Ruins was forced to dig another access stairway on the outside and some distance away from the goblin (Ruins herself shied away from constructing a walkway to our original exit stairway) before it could be killed and work continued.

16th Sandstone
The merchants have left. Mechanisms are ordered to be mass produced for the next caravans. Ivanor and Syoan were seen racing to get to the workshop first. Ivanor is now constructing them. I have been informed our dining room is insufficient for a population of our size, and I've ordered eighteen more tables and chairs built and installed.

3rd Timber
A clothier was possessed. It is unfortunately indicative of the state of our fortress when such uncontrollable and risky events are now considered commonplace. The end result was a highly decorative bag woven mostly from spider silk, with a single stone image of imperial power. Certain dwarves (particularly Kornash and Syoan, however the later might just enjoy yelling vague dramatics) consider it a prophecy. Lady Ruins has done nothing to discourage this view. It is, of course, nothing but foolishness.


(It's really just an ancient aesop. See, there's this dwarf called Granite, and he blames a lost fight on god. God then attacks him with spiders, but Granite survives because he's wearing armour. Then God possesses an unhappy dwarf, who kills him to make an artifact. The moral? Rock falls and everybody dies.)

14th Timber
I ordered the outer bridges closed and the bones from the last attack collected almost two weeks ago, and only a single miller has been seen outside. After a brief investigation into what everybody is DOING, I found a significant portion of the fortress walking into arbitrarily deep locations of the mines to refill our stone stockpile. It is no wonder the beds haven't been completed yet. After a word with Lady Ruins the stockpile is abandoned altogether and the bonecarvers are ordered to begin their usual work. For myself, I have an important meeting to attend with Ivanor that should increase the efficiency in the use of certain resources.

Fluffycuddlekissesjoy Speaks

17th Timber
Dwarves. Fat. Stupid. Drunk. So drunk it somehow ends back at sober, and they're pretty much screwed when all they have is a river. Violent. Hairy. Oh god, the back hair. And you think I cough up hairballs? Lazy. Ugly. Spiteful. Stupid, since that's worth saying twice. Three times, even. Stupid. Short. But despite everything, you have to love them. Oh wait, that's a lie, no you DON'T. You have to hate them. You have to hate them, and suspect them, and threaten them to get the bastards to do want you want or even stay alive. Did you know most of my precious gems were sold lately? Just what do they expect me to decorate my kitty litter with now? Menacing spikes of oak? I DON'T think so.

And the moment I turn my back to snub Claws? This. This is what happens when you let dwarves idle. I don't think I'll ever understand them.


(Ivanor: "HAHAHA! Joke! I got you all so good!" The Tax Collector: "Those ceremonies were legally binding." Ivanor: "... Fuck.")

Enough of this nonsense. It is time for me to start taking an active role in my palace. Apparently, even I cannot rely entirely on slaves. At least not these walking doorstops.

26th Timber
The dwarves have finished constructing another twenty bedrooms, more skillfully crafted and engraved than any others thus far. One even has gem walls for my queen and I. At least, they had BETTER be for my queen and her consort. If any dwarven migrants even think about sleeping in them we shall finally have an answer for whether 2D sprites require depth perception.

Even after the royal chambers are complete, there are over thirty logs remaining on the stockpile. Twenty shall be crafted into barrels and I shall allow ten made into bolts for my bodyguards to practise with. It is amazing how reluctant dwarves are to construct anything lasting out of wood that has been defecated on, heh heh heh.

Now. That wet stone. I will encourage the dwarves to begin digging two levels directly above it. I must be careful, of course. Water is cold and unforgiving as a foe, but controlled as an ally, her slowly engulfing waves are the most amusing of weapons.

1st Moonstone
A metalsmith with one of the new picks has actually started digging, very slowly. Nothing is found, and the stone is dry. In that case, I must dig a single level above the hidden river.

5th Moonstone
After another unacceptable delay, Ruins herself has arrived to dig. However, even directly above the wet stone she finds nothing. This is not as I was informed underground rivers to be. I must find my source and drown him. Or burn him. Which one is more ironic? Screw it, I'll just claw his throat. Ruins, dig around some more.

9th Moonstone
Two DIFFERENT dwarves have run all the way out here to hack out a few squares of stone, and found nothing. Tch, I'll just dig into the wet stone and see where the water leads. I'll need a floodgate up first for safety, though.

27th Moonstone
First a dwarf had to run all the way back to the fortress and all the way back to the mines just to carry the floodgate out here, only for someone ELSE to run out to place it properly. Then it needed to be linked to a lever so Syoan grabbed a mechanism and ran out here at somewhat faster pace, being Unbelievably Agile. At least, until the poor diddums became tired (if you thought he shouted loudly when he was inside the fortress, consider that we heard him no quieter when he was in the other corner of the map) and Ivanor had to start from scratch. Only Ivanor suddenly felt the need to check his chest to make sure The Tax Collector hadn't claimed anything, so an engraver goes out ...

FUCK IT, just dig!

30th Moonstone
...

2nd Opal
ARGH.


(The flooding water is hidden from sight underneath heavy stones. HOW DOES THAT WORK.)

Uh oh, ruuuuuun! NO, get a hold of yourself Fluff! Running is for weaklings like Claws, you are a cat of nobility! DWARF! Get those spare floodgates out here NOW. Tch, who am I kidding, with this grid formation digging and the speed of the dwarves they'll never block it off before it starts flooding everywhere. Somebody grab those hatch covers from the top of the main stairway and get them out here, we'll seal off the whole level. Now we know where the water IS (some zigzagging stream with two small waterfalls, one which doesn't seem to come from ANYWHERE), it'll be easy to set up channels and the like elsewhere. So much my silk curtains though. On the upside, there's a dog wandering up here that I'll get to telepathically watch drown some YEARS from now. Water moves "hella slow", as the common cat might say. Maybe if I'm lucky the snakemen will get it.

7th Opal
A kobold thief fled our fortress after seeing the sacrificial dogs tied out the front. I didn't think there WAS anything wimpier than an untrained dog, but there you go. All the idle dwarves crowding the staircase are annoying me. Thankfully their idiocy does have it's benefits - they shall be easily distracted by a worthless statue garden. I mean, there aren't even any GEMS in them, really. How do they party around something that doesn't even sparkle? I'll put it on the same level as the dining hall, to the west of the stairway. There shall be room for twenty one statues spaced out, and the construction shall keep the idlers busy in the meantime.

We seem to have run out of meat. This seems like an appropriate time to cull those damn mutts again. Get cooking, Fatman. Mwahahaha.

21st Opal
Another kobold. It reached the inside of the fort, but was killed by the idle military. Those thieves are becoming something of a running joke among the dwarves, which if recent events are anything to go by means we shall shortly be sieged by them. I wouldn't mind the entertainment, whoever won.

26th Opal
My Idle Dwarf Irritation; Obvious Trouble (IDIOT) Attractor is complete!


(Why look, it's crowded alrea- Oh, you tricky engravings, you!)

I suppose I should deal with that water and set up the wells Kornash has been waiting on before he gets it into his head to flood the place himself. What I'd really like to do is set up four multileveled chambers that can pump water around in a circle, then slowly trickle water inside so that the first operator to exhaust drowns, but no matter how hard they peddle they shall never escape their eventual watery grave ... but I don't think Ruins would approve, somehow. Not until we have four dwarf nobles, anyway. I shall be the only noble in this palace, and if takes a ten level fall or Noble VS Caged Goblin arena to ensure that, then so be it.

Where was I? Right, the wells. I'll dig out a room and water storage over here, a few long access tunnels, a pump to empty the water into the channels if needs be ...

3rd Obsidian
A miller has given birth to a "beautiful" baby barfbag boy. Strife organised a party at the statue garden. Guess which order those events REALLY happened in.

18th Obsidian
Well, it's nearly time to fill it up. It was a tiring and frustrating month, but the well system is all but complete. Sure our wood supplies barely covered it, Ruins might have locked herself away behind a floodgate while our only competent mechanics were partying, in retrospect I should have ordered additional leather armour made far earlier than I did, The Tax Collector banned the export of the only two querns have and are using, water in the upper mines hasn't even reached those hatches yet, Fatman bled to death, but the important WAIT WHAT?!


(What.)

WHAT?!

WHAAAAAAT?!

WHAT.

What.

... what?

I don't even know.

[Author's Note: No seriously, what.]

[Muno syoan]

GuhWHAAA?

So, someone really didn't like his book then?

EDIT: Also;
Syoan cancels craft awesome mechanisms that are better than Ivanors': Building liferaft.

[Ririka]

Noooooooo~!
Fatman!

[Frelock]

(Ivanor: "HAHAHA! Joke! I got you all so good!" The Tax Collector: "Those ceremonies were legally binding." Ivanor: "... Fuck.")

Awesome, pure awesome...  I'm afraid to ask which one's the girl, though.

Sorry to hear about fatman.  Where did he die?

[OneMoreNameless]

Fatman died was killed while drinking, so he was standing roughly in the middle of the alcohol stockpile. (Whodunnit? Read and find out!*) Since he was one of the plotdwarves, I do have a reasonable excuse to bring him back in the future, but his character is still gone for this fortress.

*Although I still have no idea how it happened.

[Jackrabbit]

Awesome awesome story

[Jamini]

Fatman died was killed while drinking, so he was standing roughly in the middle of the alcohol stockpile. (Whodunnit? Read and find out!*) Since he was one of the plotdwarves, I do have a reasonable excuse to bring him back in the future, but his character is still gone for this fortress.

*Although I still have no idea how it happened.

Check the Justice screen.