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[OneMoreNameless]

Update: After some modding, worldgen tweaks, repeated regenerations, testing and general frustration I've given up and decided to modify the original challenge into something that those BASTARD PEACE OFFERING GOBLINS deserve and to hell with the plot ramifications that I'll have to figure out at some point.

The new plan is to destroy their friggin' fortress via several cave ins and then unleash demons on any the survivors. It might not be as much of an ongoing challenge, but right now it sounds very satisfying. I'll embark in a terrifying location or something next time.

[Strife26]

How dare they be nice! 

Now, here is something I was thinking about for a while:
The magma-water powered goblin spaceship.

Inerested?

Plans

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

   #@@#__
   #@@#  I
G #@@# GGGGGGGGGGGG
G #~ ~# G
G #~ ~# G

My idea, was you take a generic goblin tower (you would seal the entrance, but if they won't attack . . .) Next, you make containment silos on either side (and connect them). You have to fill these guys with magma. Then, underneath the fort, you have to rig up a continuos water generator (just a simple perpetual motion machine). At the flick of a floodgate, you have some of the water flow into an infinte U-bend trick section.

You then disconect the entire asmbly  (except for one support) from the rest of the map, channel out everything underneath it and get ready for 'fun.'

Start the movie recording. Then start the infinite water supply going. Open the bottoms of the magma chambers. You then must trip the support. When the steam clears, the goblins will be in space! (Or at least, not on the map) Grudge solved!

What, you wanted something easy?

[OneMoreNameless]

MEANWHILE, in an alternate continuity A.D.A.B. where the island seemed quite different, our "heroes" are only slightly less trusting, and Vidar is inexplicably less useless; Fatman finds himself distracted while writing the first draft of his cookbook ...

- CHAPTER TEN: Something Is Not Right -

New Fortress!
Destroy the "goblin" fortress via cave ins and the like, then breach their "sacred grounds".


Dwarven Cooking 202, by Fatman

A Recipe for Ruin
Ingredients:
* Oh dear god (Armok or local equivalent)
* There are goblins (4 for each dwarf)
* EVERYWHERE (1 whole)
* We're doomed (4-6 teaspoons to taste)
* I'm too young to die (optional garnish)

Instructions:
1. Panic. As loudly, and as senselessly as possible. This should encourage the few of us with picks to work faster in their effort to delay our inevitable deaths. Once this has begun, continue panicking while hauling all personal possessions away from the goblins' thieving hands.

2. If tea is offered, do not under any circumstances accept it. Tea is for pansies, and the sneaky bastards have probably drugged it. Furthermore, decline all invitations to enter their fortress for the night. If we're lucky enough to wake up alive, we'd probably be hostages. Or worse.

3. ... Did I write goblins? I meant GOBLIN. Despite the design clearly being of a goblin fortress, the only goblin we've spotted while running for our lives as fast as our stubby legs can move us (which makes it rather difficult to continue to jot down these notes, but I am a slave to my craft! Also Ivanor thought it would be hilarious to coat my pen in glue.) was the fortress's leader, Asno. The rest of the population seems to be human. How a single goblin managed to enslave these many humans, or just WHAT he intends to do with them all, I don't know. Maybe we're actually surrounded by goblin ninjas.

4. Kill Vidar. Really. I am the only one one in this doomed expedition able to provide us with food. I am the most important dwarf for our continued survival. So why is it that I am forced to risk my life by running back towards the goblin fortress to carry back LOG AFTER FUCKING LOG while Ruins and Kragus are happy to dig pits in the relative safety of the underground? Kragus carves bones, he is inherently expendable. Ruins says she's planning for the future by digging a stairway that all seven of us can stand on at once with room to spare. If she was so concerned about our future she would have double checked her maps, or be finishing that channel on the surface. Ideally with The Tax Collector on the outside.

5. Once the first level of the fortress is completed, take any possible excuse to abandon your wagon and hide underground. My personal favourite method is to bring my seed bags inside and begin planting in the clay loam floor. When I am forced to waste my time hauling crap back and forth while some goblin overlord smiles and offers me tea EVERY SINGLE TRIP, something is not right.



Lady Ruins Practises Her Dramatic Monologues

22nd Granite
No plans are perfect, it seems. I had considered and planned every possible outcome for this battle, and yet, had not even imagined that Anso would offer peace. Perhaps I truly have been spending too long among dwarves ... Hmm. This place has changed since my spies last saw it. There had always been a few humans here, slaves in all but name mostly, but the change worries me. This site has been special for the goblins long before we dwarves were ever forcefully evicted from the mainlands. Their god once walked here and promised to do so again before the end of the time. There have been no reports of goblins leaving, so, where are they hiding?

Beneath his friendly demeanor Anso sounds nervous; an emotion uncommon for a goblin. I was sure he would order an attack. Could it be that his clan are dead? Perhaps, but I can not think how, and the humans here follow his orders. Anso is afraid to fight. No, he is afraid to be fought. Goblins do not fear their own death, what is he hiding? What is Anso afraid we might uncover? Something is not right.

Of course, once my "mistake" was realised control of the group fell by default into The Tax Collector's hands, taking all official positions. Out of all here, dwarf, man or goblin, he is the only one I am wary of. He observes, and calculates. When Anso found us it took no more than seconds for The Tax Collector to issues the same orders I had planned months in advance: We would retreat slightly away from the fortress, and begin constructing our own underground. All our supplies would be moved inside, and then the entrance sealed off by a ditch until we could ready greater defences or mount an attack. A retractable bridge would allow traders and merchants inside. Even without hostility dwarves would smell out a war, and the riches that came from it. They might come under other guises, but there it was.

Fatman has begun planting the seeds we brought with us. The first level shall also contain a barracks once we have settled in. We now begin digging out the second level, where we shall store and process food (plant or otherwise), as well as military supplies. The third shall contain our meeting hall, dining room, control room and offices plus whatever distractions are required to keep these dwarves "happy". The fourth, workshops. The fifth, stockpiles. The sixth, sleeping quarters. The seventh, our cemetery. Everything will be designed with further expansion in mind.

It is important our fortress is fully running as soon as possible. We have ample food and drink for the time, but production of trade goods will be vital. We need an anvil, and as much imported wood as possible to fuel it. We must ensure a surplus of ale at all times, as we have not yet located a water source. Clothes are not necessary, but for my own peace of mind, preferable. I have new plans for this place, and they do not involve sweaty, uncovered genitals.

Well, The Tax Collector might be cute if he smiled once in a while. But that's completely irrelevant.

Fortress Records (Filed By The Tax Collector)

18th Slate
Our inventory has been stored immediately outside the fortress and the wagon is being disassembled. Bookkeeping has not been performed satisfactorily, however the current situation has resulted in a reassignment of priorities. The initial digging of fortress level two is nearly complete and I have now ordered the cleaning of left over stone in preparation for ordered stockpiles. After sleeping on the floor, I have ordered the sleeping quarters commenced next. The outside ditch remains incomplete, and shall remain a vulnerability until such time as retracting bridge production is available.

16th Felsite
Level two has been cleared. Food and military supplies have now been sorted and moved inside. Our food supplies have been lowered as expected, but remain adequate. When checking our military supplies I discovered forty metal bolts that had gone unnoticed before now; they shall be required if we are attacked too early. I personally have constructed our first four workshops: A butcher's shop, a still, a kitchen and a farmer's workshop. Already our first harvest has come in, and our fields are large enough that Fatman is continually occupied without brewing or cooking. Labor will need to be reassigned to deal with this, but our supplies are sufficient enough that I will keep four dwarves hauling and constructing for the time being.

Additionally, Vidar has begun constructing a wooden pen for our breeding stock. It remains incomplete until door production is available.



I shall make a rare personal note. Something is not right. The chances of arriving at this location by luck are minimal; Lady Ruins is statistically at fault. The behaviour of the goblins is nonstandard. Reactions are nonstandard. Lady Ruins is unpleased there is no hostility. Given the logical chain of events, it is highly likely she planned war. I cannot deduce her motives. Flint is unhappy he cannot kill. Kragus is unhappy he cannot loot from the dead. Ivanor is not happy we did not investigate the dark fortress closer. Vidar is not happy other people are touching his wood.* Fatman is not happy because he does not trust the goblins, the only reasonable mood. Even the cat is unhappy, but they are highly random creatures.

[*Author's Note: If you thought that sounded bad, just be glad I didn't give Vidar his own entry: "My wood shall stand tall and proud!", "The breeding stock contained within my wood shall feed this whole fortress!", "My wood was so large I had to have several people carry it inside." etc.]

And now, it's time for ...
What Would Fluffycuddlekissesjoy Do?



Dig out three levels underneath and then cave the whole thing in from a distance with supports. We'll see how grand their fortress is when it's underground just like the rest of us.



Abuse pump mechanics and flood the bastards out where ... Wait, what happened to water? There was a pond there before. Tch, whatever. I'm sure there's an underground river somewhere we can hook up to the goblin's front door.



You'd better believe I'm going to abuse ballista "friendly" fire!

Mwahahaha, get to it Ruins.

... Ruins.

Ugh, damn it. Something is not right when dwarves aren't obeying my every command. For all the oaf's flaws, Doomhammer at least TRIED to do what he THOUGHT I wanted. Ruins just ignores me and keeps digging out that stupidly large fortress of hers. Hmph, at least when my queen and I take it over we won't have to worry about expanding when our litter comes. Why can't I find a dwarf that is both intelligent AND obedient? Everyone keeps talking some nonsense about goblins and danger. If they don't get to work soon, the real danger will be lurking under their noses and biting their ankles. OM NOM NOM indeed.

[Boksi]

You know, I really want an entry from Vidar now, if only for the constant stream of double entendres. Mind you, they're really quite hard. Very few can do it often in a row.

[Frelock]

Also Ivanor thought it would be hilarious to coat my pen in glue.

Does Fatman have no sense of humor?  Of course it's hilarious.  Now I just need to do it to the tax collector when he starts bookkeeping.

Also, ballistae!

[OneMoreNameless]

- CHAPTER ELEVEN: Slow Progress -

Dwarven Cooking 202, by Fatman

How To: Build A Fortress
... but even the most delicious creations will fall flat if the presentation isn't up to scratch. We're not just talking a mug of beer by the side, the whole dining room, nay, fortress must be perfect to impress your guests. Here's a few simple steps to ensure you're never caught off guard:

Step One: Calm down. No matter how many relatives turn up, or tenuously peaceful goblin enslaved guards are keeping watch on your fortress, you'll achieve nothing if you panic. Okay, I'm calm now. Spending all day and night watching seeds turn into delicious mushroom things is very calming, even if I don't have time to cook them. They don't taste that bad raw. Better than choking on your own blood, anyway. Did I mention I was really very calm now? Everyone else can stay away from my mushrooms and haul some rocks out of the way or something. Ruins and Kragus are doing the stockpiles level now. I'm so calm I'm literally ecstatic. I've fallen in love with Vidar and his wood.

... Wait, WHAAAAAT?!



Oh god, the madness is setting in already getmeoutofhere!

Step Two: Size DOES matter. It might be quicker to dig out a few small chambers for you and your family, but what if your friends all decide to sleep over at once, or twenty migrants? Right now The Tax Collector's plans are large enough to accommodate forty or so dwarves. It's taking quite a while to dig everything out and dump the stone away from stockpile areas but everything will run much more smoothly once it's done. As long as I can tend to my crops, what do I care anyway? Right, no bedrooms and it's summer already. Ruins needs to hurry up with that.

Step Three: As soon as an area is completely dug out (and cleaned if necessary), begin construction and stockpiling as appropriate. This is made more difficult in my case by Ruins and Kragus's inability to just dig out a level at a time rather than jumping all over the place once multiple levels have been designated. If this is the case, swear loudly, and demand that Vidar set up a temporary workshop near the surface to produce some beds and spare barrels. If that fails, threaten to pour booze over his wood and set it on fire.



Step Four: And remember, don't attract guests before you are ready for them. There were no migrants this season. That's probably a good thing when the fortress hasn't even been dug yet, but after so long just mining Kragus has started to twitch and cast dour looks every time he comes up for a drink. If not faster, it might have been safer for all of us to have a migrant replace him.

A Week In The Life Of: Ivanor, High Tinker

6th Malachite
Dump stone. Dump stone. Dump stone. Have a drink. Dump stone. Throw pebbles at Flint's dogs. Narrowly avoid a wooden bed hurled by Flint. Narrowly avoid a stone hurled by Vidar. Narrowly avoid a handful of soil thrown by Fatman. (I don't even know.) Narrowly avoid a reprimand hurled by The Tax Collector. Dump stone.

8th Malachite
Dump stone. Store plump helmets in a barrel. Piss in an empty one. Dump stone.

10th Malachite
Dump stone. Dump stone. Store some turtle bones outside. Take the long away around to avoid Kragus seeing me with them. Vaguely wave to Anso and decline tea. Dump st-

ARGH, I can't take this sheer boredom anymore! I didn't want to have to risk this, but the lack of entertainment or interesting developments in this place has left me no choice. By using only olivine, two sweet pods and the mostly dead batteries from my iDarf I can hook up my brain into a sub-operative state of consciousness that will allow me to continue trivial tasks while effectively comatose, therefore skipping over all dull events until awoken by an external narrative trigger.

TIME SKIP, BABY!

13th Limestone



Wait, did I miss something?

Fortress Records (Filed By The Tax Collector)

14th Limestone
Initial excavation and clearing has been completed, and all major production facilities are now online.



Now that the bulk of the unskilled labor is completed I have posted an updated list of responsibilities that will start tomorrow. Lady Ruins will produce all stone furniture required for the empty areas within the fortress, as well as any additional construction or mining jobs that are required. (One instance of this is building a roof over our refuse pile, so that I can forbid dwarves from collecting refuse outside - this has resulted in dwarves missing for some time to collect distant bones for Kragus's stockpile.) Fatman shall continue to cook, brew, and farm whenever seeds are available again. I shall work on smoothing and recording events on walls, processing gems and organising stockpiles ("hauling").

Flint will care for and train our animals, and has already begun hunting as an additional food source. After a reoccurring issue regarding butchering his kills (Flint refused, dumping the corpse and skipping outside to kill another camel), Kragus has perhaps TOO happily agreed to take over, as well as mass producing bone crafts for trade and hauling in his spare time.  Vidar will create required items from our wood (including, despite teary protests, charcoal). Vidar will also operate any siege equipment alongside Ivanor when they are constructed. Ivanor himself will begin trapping our fortress against invaders and hauling when necessary.

Merchants arrived today, but their wagon could not access our site and we have no trade depot for the others. This is not yet a concern, as we have nothing to trade but half a dozen uncut gems. A liaison from the king elect has also arrived, and we shall talk regarding our situation shortly.

Ammo supplies are low. Food and wood supplies remain high. Morale has generally improved due to goblin inactivity, and the promise of speciliased jobs. Wild camels are our greatest immediate concern. In the long term, it is not yet determinable whether the greatest threat to this area shall be camels, goblins ... or dwarves.

[OneMoreNameless]

Update: So my new laptop has arrived, and it is now totally pimped (read: tweaked) out. After quickly testing my current fortress without a FPS cap, it's running about three or four times faster than on my old laptop. Not staggeringly better, but it's definitely going to be less painful if I end up with 100 or more dwarves again. I'll still stick to small embark areas.

Anyway, I'll start playing/writing the next chapter sometime later today.

[Strife26]

Imagine what t's like for dwarves who don't have an iDwarf tohelp them. Poor saps. 

I take it you aren't going to go with my suggestion?

[OneMoreNameless]

I take it you aren't going to go with my suggestion?

Conveniently, I have the legitimate excuse that there is no magma on this map to power the spaceship with, so I don't actually have to admit that it would probably be too tricky (and much effort) for me to set up.

[Strife26]

Bah! Simply undwarven.

  I wanted to do it myself actually.

[OneMoreNameless]

- CHAPTER TWELVE: Not Quite Off Topic But We May Be Heading In That Direction -

Lady Ruins Practises Her Dramatic Monologues

20th Limestone



Ah, miasma. Such a beautiful colour, free flowing and gentle, spreading on the wind, blossoming as a field of flowers ... only to cause horrible feelings, and cover as if to devour hard work, then finally turn in on itself and blink out as suddenly as it arrived. Life, hatred and death. Everything passes through these in time, but with care and timing, we may yet hope to bring a final end to the cycle.

But enough brooding, this is probably something I should have taken into consideration earlier. There are other occasional sources too and the structure of our fortress make it too easy for the stench to flow through the central staircase and cover multiple levels. Well, it shall have to be tolerated, there are more important things to work on. Our fortress is running, but empty. The Tax Collector has been striding around as if he owned the place, giving orders and designating work. It is done mostly as I wish, so I will say nothing ... yet. He has also spoken with the liaison and request an anvil, ammo and wood from the next trade caravan. The liaison listed a few requested items from elsewhere, but none we had much hope of offering. Nevertheless we will be ready by the next time traders arrive.

26th Sandstone



It is quiet today, and for the first time in a while I am free to walk the halls alone and think. Four dwarves are sleeping, Flint is out hunting and Fatman is keeping to his farms as usual. There was perhaps some mild amusement to be had from The Tax Collector staggering exhausted into his bed after smoothing a mere three tiles down in the cemetery. Clearly not a dwarf used to doing anything away from a desk - he was practising to engrave high quality records in the dining room and such. I don't think he realises it is not the engravings that will keep the mooks happy but remembering the awkwardness of his laboring.

Ha, and there it is. Mooks. Yes, I consider these dwarves already mine to wield as necessary, poor tools though they are. Flint is good for little but hauling and killing, and he is far from legendary in that. I never see Flint hauling, so I assume The Tax Collector forbid it for some reason. Some bone and wood arrows are being produced, but not enough to constantly hunt. A demonstration of supposed control on his part, I almost admire. Ivanor has a keen mind, but is too easily distracted by pety amusements. Only recently I found the bridge he hooked up did not rise when the lever was pulled. I have not learned why. Fatman has gone overboard with booze just to have his seeds back to plant; wasted time for our still small population. Kragus crafts too slowly, paying far too much ... 'attention' ... to each bone he uses. Vidar is perhaps the only useful one, at least until we run out of wood for his spare beds and barrels.

For now I must return to my own duties, and keep up the pretense of obedience. The mooks still distrust me, of course, but their distrust of Anso is growing. When the time comes, they will remember only this: The Tax Collector is no warrior, and Flint no leader.

4th Timber



I realise, of course, that merchants require sales to maintain their livelihood, but this is going overboard for a single delay. Even the muskox has started crying. I suspect they may be faking it. Perhaps she was turned away by the dark fortress too.

Recently I have been building walls outside of our bridge, with the purpose of channeling any invaders through a corridor just wide enough for a wagon. Ivanor has drawing sketches in the dirt of how to cover the path by suspended stones. A crude design, but they will suffice until we have enough dwarves for Flint to start training a military.

18th Timber
Our dining room and study have been completed, to an extent. Instead of eating off the crude stone floor we now eat off crude stone tables and chairs. Alas, I am not as practised at working with stone as I once was. Next I will begin chiseling out coffins for our cemetery. The dead have no care for quality. Preemptive? Perhaps, but not even The Tax Collector could know how little.

Among other events of little notability, Fatman found his first withered plump helmet in the outside refuse pile. The whole fortress could hear his frustrated cries. Somehow it was Vidar who calmed him down, with an anecdote about forest fires. (The situation was so hot that his wood withered away under pressure, apparently.) Given the reactions of the others, I strongly suspect Ivanor hid the helmet on purpose.

23rd Timber



I confess I do not have complete knowledge of the goblin's judicial system, but I feel safe in saying that something is awry in the dark fortress when their prisoners are free to run around open rocky surface insanely chasing camels back and forth.

Hmm. Rocky. It suddenly, but not yet belatedly, occurs to be that a depot alone will not be enough to allow trading in this area. There are many rocks large enough to require smoothing before any wagons have access. Not that it ever stopped us, but merchants aren't quite as persistent. Well, most merchants. I'm not sure if that depressed muskox still lingers here. The Tax Collector shall have somewhere else to practise his engraving skills for a while.

27th Timber
Kragus's crafting has started picking up. For the first time since he started, he has run out of bones and The Tax Collector canceled his job. Kragus was displeased, to say the least, going as far as to threaten using dwarf bones if he was not allowed to butcher our breeding stock soon. The Tax Collector forbid it, as our dogs do not yet number many more than those we embarked with. Kragus glowered, and proclaimed as darkly and dramatically as you will:

"Let me just say this, numberdwarf: If I do not have more bones to work with before this month's end ALL HELL WILL BREAK LOSE, and the only thing you'll have time to count is yourself responsible."

The Tax Collector indifferently ordered Kragus to work with our leftover shells. Maybe there is nothing to worry about, but ...

9th Moonstone
Despite out fortress not yet being fully furnished, I have decided to put into place some defences. The mooks are increasingly edgy and it is only a matter of time before somebody picks a fight. I could quickly recruit a squad if it came down to it, but the only ones of us with any skill have only poor quality weapons (copper picks and bone bolts, hmm) and no armour. Instead I decided to take down out entrance bridge in an attempt to find out why it was stuck open. It didn't take long before I realised that our square chasm had never actually been finished. The bridge had been lying flat over the floor and apparently nobody going outside had noticed this.

Well, I was already there, so I shoved the remains of the bridge to one side and quickly completed our defensive chasm. It was at this point I realised I was on the OUTSIDE of the chasm, stuck. Rather inelegantly I hollered for help. Ivanor popped his head out to remind me any new buildings had to be designed by an architect before construction could be started. The Tax Collector technically wasn't sleeping or on break, and I know I hadn't built any statues he could be partying at, but it seemed to take quite some time before he smugly walked out, glanced at the stones I had set aside and nodded a quick "carry on". At least once I had rebuilt the bridge (retracting, this time) Ivanor was able to hook it up successfully.

Irritating, but a worse incident occurred shortly after this: our fortress had it's first death. One of Flint's nameless hunting dogs was killed by a two humped camel while fighting inside dark tower. Although Flint did not tell me in so many words, a quick check with The Tax Collector confirmed our fortress was indeed out of arrows. Flint had been attempting to bludgeon his foe to death with a copper crossbow with the dog was killed. Disturbingly, Flint was otherwise successful and now a dabbling hammerdwarf. Needless to say, Kragus was kicked out his workshop so Vidar could craft a few wooden bolts. Kragus said nothing, reverting to dour glances when ordered to haul instead. With everything being constructed lately it has proved efficient to have everyone haul in their spare time.



Later, I found a half completed catapult sitting outside, which was only slightly more arbitrary than the what can only be dubbed "fanmail" that was waiting for me (not The Tax Collector, interestingly) at our fortress's entrance:

Upon a calm and peaceful night
of wayward fame, the first Granite,
seven dwarves thought to leave their mark;
to strike the earth and here embark.
"A mining outpost", records say,
but "Dwarven fortress" called by they
who swung the pick, hammer and axe,
who fought the goblins back to back,
who worked the land and brewed the ale -
true heroes for a tavern tale.
Yet still all dwarves who once endured
the worse while fabled metals lured
their hearts through the danger, sticks and stones
and words from elves who've never known
the glory of successful moods;
though it is dwarves I say this to:
Think of legends when times are grim;
if fun to lose, imagine win ...

(ing)

~ Elfbane Chaotika

[Strife26]

Poetry?
In a dwraven fort?

Prepare for the elven onslaught comrades!

[OneMoreNameless]

- CHAPTER THIRTEEN: If All Your Friends Hung Off A Cliff, Would You? -

Dwarven Cooking 202, by Fatman

Misc. Notes For Future Sections; 27th Moonstone to 26th Obsidian
- Kragus has run out of shells, and he still doesn't have any more bones. Instead he's gleefully used the excuse to start working with skulls. He's making some horrible little totem things, and somehow ended up with a pair of HUMAN skulls to make them with. Everyone knows human skulls are best for salt and pepper shakers, really. They're almost as atmospheric as elf bone toothpicks. I need a chapter on that somewhere.

- I overheard The Tax Collector muttering about thieves lately. Word around the fortress is that somebody stole thirty nine iron bolts. We didn't actually HAVE any iron bolts, so as yet nobody is quite sure where or who they were stolen from, or who by, but we're definitely sure it happened at some point. Still, I'm sure Flint can deal with the thief when we find out. The only ones stealing my possessions are every other dwarf in the bloody fortress taking from my private meals. I didn't cook those lavish roasts for Ivanor to slobber all over them. Even The Tax Collector took a few saying he needs "samples" during his latest attempt to update the stock records perfectly. Hmph, I need ...

... I just saw Vidar walk inside carrying a zinc bar. Where the hell did that come from? Maybe I'll throw it my next meal. Zinc's good for you, right?

- Now a handful of arrows has been stolen. WHERE ARE THE THINGS SO THAT I CAN STEAL THEM, damn it.

- Flint's been looking unhappy lately. He came back with a goblin cor-, no wait, a mountain goat. They look pretty similar, really. Anyway, Flint was complaining about hunger, thirst and having to sleep on rocks. This being at the same time as I'm producing an increasingly large stockpile of cheap food and ale for the taking, and Ruins has even fitted our private bedrooms with cabinets and coffers now. Just how much mental effort does it take to stop hunting BEFORE you collapse? Flint may bring back valuable meat for my meals, but I dot NOT get enough appreciation in this fortress.

... Oh, that's just great. Now The Tax Collector has forbidden Flint from hunting at all. He's starting to train at one of our catapults. Shooting lungfish. I know I'm a miracle worker but lungfish and seeds do not a feast make! Flint can't even hit the things before they vanish away again. And now I'm expected to haul to stones up to the surface in my free time just so Flint doesn't run out and get bored or something. At least with the bridge retracted we won't have dwarves going AWOL all the time.



Where was I going with this again? Right, benefits of good food. The Tax Collector thinks an engraved dining room will keep everyone cheery, but he's still sitting in his office. Flint will be content again once he steals one of my prepared meals.

- Ingredients. Always keep them stocked. Recommended stock levels? Tips on acquiring rare meat? Dragon hunting? I'm sure there's something I can work with like that. Our fortress is almost out of wood logs, and Vidar will probably have used them all by the end of the week. Mostly he's been making barrels to keep all the food and ale I've been cooking in, but we have a couple of dozen extra beds for migrants (wishful thinking), a few piles of wooden arrows in case Flint needs to use them again, and he's building half a dozen cages now. Ivanor came up with some plan to catch invaders if they make it passed our bridge. I don't want to know what he plans on doing with them after that. Ivanor's started shooting rocks too at the moment, though. He claims he's knocked over plenty of beasts already, but didn't bring them in because their meat wasn't worth it. I think that's what she said. We're not going to run out of stone in a hurry, anyway. A pity you can't eat stone. Ruins was tempted to try her hand at trading it, but changed her mind after seeing how many bone trinkets Kragus had produced.

- It's nearly Spring again, and there hasn't much happened to inspire me lately. I mean, I've been getting plenty of practise farming, cooking and brewing, but nothing exciting. Nothing different. Nothing that will sell this book. Ivanor and Flint keep flinging stones everywhere, Ruins keeps churning out stone furniture, The Tax Collector keeps smoothing walls now. The most exciting thing that's happened is a few camels passing by our entrance that nobody was even able to hit with the catapults. Anso came out to the edge of our traps briefly to politely request we practise our aim in some other direction. I can't imagine why.



I should probably be glad the dark fortress turned out to be more like a ... a ... a dork fartdress, but it's not like we couldn't throw off an attack now. We have enough supplies to feed us for YEARS. If I was paid what I deserved (or at all, for that matter) I could take a vacation right now. Flint and Ivanor would statistically have to hit the bastards eventually. Goblin pudding. Mmmm, I need to think about that one ...

A Week In The Life Of: Kragus, Bone Master

10th Granite
Ruins has declared that the stairway area to the south of the dining hall is now a statue "garden". She placed eight different statues of legendary dwarves (none of them us, I note) in the corners and might have even gone to the trouble of dusting the room a bit. Well isn't that nice? I just feel like throwing a party RIGHT NOW. Or maybe we could do something useful with our time and start killing the puppies in the next room. Yes, that sounds like a better plan. But nooo, The Tax Collector had to hide the key from me, the cold bastard.

Oh! Oh, is that who I think it is wandering at the outside perimeter? I do believe it is. Our best friends the ELVES have arrived to trade pleasant little niceties with us. How grand. How wonderful. How long does Ruins think I can keep up this cheerful smile before I snap and murder someone?!

11th Granite
Despite my better judgment, the elves have been allowed to enter our fortress. Disappointingly, the catapults were ordered to stop firing as they approached. I would have loved to literally see two elves killed with one stone. I would have loved to see ANY elves killed by ANYthing, but The Tax Collector and Lady Ruins have both forbid any hostile actions towards them. "We need their ongoing supplies" this, "they could be useful allies if the goblins attack" that, "they're innocent sentient creations" the other. At least Flint agrees with me. Ivanor just wanted to trap them in one spot using flung boulders, or some nonsense.

Well, now the bridge is open, I have bones to collect from that depressed merchant a while back. The Tax Collector, Ruins and Fatman are busy smoothing, masoning and brewing respectively and Flint is on break, but Ivanor and Vidar have agreed to assist me. I think Ivanor was actually nervous when I asked him to haul dwarven bones, the wuss. Or is it me he's afraid of? Heh.

16th Granite
Oh ALL RIGHT, we'll stop ignoring the bloody elves. I'm the first to start bringing my crafts to the depot. How I would love to keep them, but they shall serve their purpose elsewhere ... fufufu. Meanwhile, Ivanor is calmly finishing constructing his cage traps BEHIND the elves. If nothing else, I appreciate that dwarf's style. And I see Ruins has started bringing out my crafts, carrying them carelessly like they were mere diamonds or something. Hrrrm.

Ruins. You told us there was only one goblin leading the dark fortress, correct?
"Hmm? Yes, why would you ..."



Nothing. No reason at all. Fufufufufu.

And now, it's time for ...
The Continuing Adventures of Asno Osnumas

16th Granite
An ambush! Curse them!

[Author's Note: Why no, I can't spell his name consistently. >_>]

[OneMoreNameless]

- CHAPTER FOURTEEN: Author's Note This Chapter Is Awesome -

A Recipe for Chaos
Ingredients:
* Goblin ambushes (2)
* Migrants (16 or more)
* Defences (as poorly thought out as possible)
* Fey mood (substitute demonic possession if unavailable)
* Death (expected and arbitrary, if you can find them)
* Elves (2 merchants, optional garnish)

Instructions:
1. Place your first goblin ambush inside the dark fortress of another tenuously peaceful goblin. Leave to boil for several days, or until one side is slaughtered, whichever comes first. I don't know why Asno is being attacked, but I find it hilarious. Say what you want about us dwarves, but we never devolve into civil war. Still, I suppose I'd better tell The Tax Collector. Asno and his guards are obviously going to win but it would be annoying if the surviving attackers fled right towards us. There's nobody else outside at the moment, so I'll close the bridge and ready the catapults just in case.


(I like to imagine them screaming "Ugg!" as they fight.)

From what I can see from here, Asno is fighting in person. His guards are surrounding the invading goblins. One of the invaders is becoming enraged. Blood is spilling everywhere and OH LOOK, more puppies!


(Let's just be glad dog feces isn't implemented.)

They'll make a tasty soup when they're grown. Or maybe not, since we're out of barrels to store anything in. 356 might be enough alcohol for the moment though.

2. Lose all interest in the goblins and resume normal life. The less you see the next part coming, the better it will turn out. The rest of the invading goblins fled or something, I'm not sure. Asno came to the edge of the dark fortress and yelled down that it was okay, we were safe now. Flint's reaction was something like "There was a fight?!?!'". The elves asked when we were going to start trading, and I told them that our broker was busy accurately recording the number of bones outside now. Now they just keep glancing nervously at our retracted bridge for some reason. I heard Flint proudly declaring he was more experienced, and then found him ... drinking? Okay, that's different. The Tax Collector has finished his records for now and is beginning to smooth walls while the elves wait.

3. Attract a large a migrant rush as possible. Right now, we have something like eighteen or nineteen dwarves marching towards our fortress. It's about time. Finally I'll be able to dump all the hauling jobs (pun intended!) onto some useless soap maker or something. I was one of the first here and I've prepared all this food for them, so naturally they'll be mine to command. With all the extra hands we might even be able to start planning an attack on the dark fortress. I didn't trust the goblins when there were one group of them. This is going to be great.

4. OH SHIT THE CATAPULTS, turn them off Ivanor! Meanwhile, The Tax Collector has taken a break from smoothing walls to updated his records again. More like, his broken records.

5. Now at the most inconvenient time (I personally suggest just as the first migrant reaches your entrance, while the rest are spread out in a line over the countryside) place your second ambush. If done correctly, this should produce a pleasant reaction like OH SHIT HOSTILE GOBLINS ARE RIGHT OUTSIDE OUR OPEN FORTRESS AND ATTACKING OUR UNPROTECTED MIGRANTS FUCK. Um, um, um, Ruins? What the heck are we supposed to do?! Let my tickets to relaxation be slaughtered out there while we accidentally squash them with catapults? Try and lure them inside and hope the traps kill them all? The migrants are far better targets for the goblins right now, that won't even work. Asno? Asno? God I can't believe I'm stooping to this level but could you quickly send your guards down? ("... ... . . . Screw you, you rude, ungrateful dwarves!")

6. Okay, okay, this is the plan. This is what Ruins is doing, standing inside our chasm and yelling orders across to the migrants. ARM THE CATAPULTS! FORM A MILITARY! Ruins quickly orders the only migrants with weapons (a carpenter, a woodcutter and a ranger) into a squadron, then glances over the newcomers and picks out a handful of other expendable dwarves to join them. A cheesemaker, lye maker, woodburner (actually, Vidar recruited that one, but nobody complained) and three peasants. They form the Healing Urns and are ordered to group just beyond the fortress's entrance. What the heck kind of a name is that for a military anyway?!

7. Make snap decisions. If you're not in the military, you are a useless coward. This is FACT. Ivanor flees his catapult within about two seconds of the attack. Flint will probably do so soon anyway, and he's wasted there. Flint is recruited and now leads the army. (The Orbs of Saving, which is possibly worse. The only ORBS that would have SAVED anything were the catapults you just FLED FROM.)

8. Now comes the battle itself. The dwarven army is greatly spread out, so the goblins rush the closest migrants straight away. Two nameless dwarves are struck down in a matter of seconds. The goblins break into two groups, one heading southwards chasing some idiot weaver who passes right by our trap filled corridor in favour of heading further away from the fortress (FINE. GET HACKED TO PIECES. See if I even care!), the other heading north towards a couple of recruits. Screw this, I'm retracting the bridge again. I don't care if Flint's not out there yet, I don't want to risk any of those goblins getting inside and attacking our important dwarves. Everyone is ordered inside. The migrants are on their own and HEY PUPPIES.


(Aww.)

[Author's Note: Yes, I probably should have taken screenies of the battle, but I was kind of distracted by trying to not let everyone die and anyway aren't those little 'd's so cute?]

No! ENOUGH with your fucking puppies, this is serious! Outside, the ranger has arrived at the northern goblin group and is holding her ground by shooting before they can close in. The meatshields? Not doing so well. Another dwarf is struck down. The southern goblin group are heading back up to rejoin the others. The carpenter is actually holding his own in battle against a couple of the goblins, and between him, a few meatshields and the ranger three goblins are killed. The southern few reach melee distance, but seeing the goblin corpses turn to flee! The ranger and carpenter back off to regroup at their station, but two of the meatshields chase down one of the fleeing goblins. The rest of the army begins to arrive, but too late to do much. A few of the goblins escape the area, but an unskilled, unarmed peasant strikes down one of them. The rest of the migrants stop fleeing and start returning to the fortress exterior; the battle is won, and victory is to the dwarves!

9. This time, DON'T let your guard down. The battle is over, but there are several more tricky things before the recipe is complete. The military is deactivated for the moment, until Ruins can organise a more permanent structure. The bridge is opened again, to let the migrants inside. The carpenter with two goblin kills? He barely makes two steps before his eye bulge and a demonic force possesses him. Without a word he charges inside and towards Vidar's workshop. An aesop about the dedwarfising effects of war? As for the cheesemaker, despite having survived direct contact with a goblin, he trips over one of Ivanor's stone fall traps and is killed instantly. I ... didn't really feel like cheese anyway.

And of course, the moment the bridge is open again and everyone is allowed outside most of the fortress population stream OUTWARDS to start collecting the dead and bringing in any bones and like. Damn it fools, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?!


(Even the camel knows when to hide.)

Well, steal me an iron shield while you're out there. I notice that idiot weaver manage to survive somehow, although she's a little unhappy about the attack and all. She'll get over it. The final death count is four dwarves. Three were recruits at the time and one was the deactivated cheesemaker.

10. "Hey, we're leaving soon." Oh right, the elves! They've been sitting there outside uselessly the whole time. Try not to forget about them. The Tax Collector's records are finally put aside (rather forcibly, and by Lady Ruins) and he emerged to trade.

Ahahaha, the elves are "enchanted by our ethical works". What. Did they not just see that brutal battle outside? Or our catapults still launching stones into the dark fortress? (Uh, those should probably be off now. Oh, whatever. Hopefully they hit the elves on the way out.) Or that eighty percent of what we're trading is made from the bones of slaughtered creatures? Idiots. The Tax Collector doesn't bother to haggle, just trades away all our crafts for what little of use the elves have: Flour (nice, but unnecessary), cloth (meh) and few more barrels of alcohol (eh). That was pretty much a waste of time. Shoo, treehuggers.

Uh, hmm. The possessed carpenter wanted wood and we didn't have any left. That could be awkward. I think I might hold off the migrant's induction tour of the workshops for a little while.

Fortress Records (Filed By The Tax Collector)

10th Slate
Despite the general chaos following the goblin attack, I have successfully acquired information from all migrants and devised a new roster of duties that shall be implemented shortly. Most of the migrants were either poor and seeking a home, or poor and seeking our future riches. They will be required to work for either. There were only three migrants of particular note:
Nym, a gem cutter. She displays more reservation and intelligence than most, and will prove a useful as such. However, before I could begin discussing her details she evasively informed me she would not answer any questions regarding her reasons for migrating, but assured they were perfectly within socially acceptable norms. When I threatened to throw her out to goblins she invented some story about a tame bear and a countess. Instead of wasting further time I've noted her as "homeless" and let in for her skills: Processing any gems we locate and tending to the pets and livestock.
Strife, a cook. His skills are valuable, but his insistence on running a health and fitness program complete with an arbitrary diet are unworkable. He is disrespectful to my authority, and may require discipline. Adding two years to our lifespan will not increase vital productivity now. Fatman and he now split farming and cookies duties between them.
Kornash, a peasant. Despite no training, he was able to kill a goblin during the attack. He is assertive with a strong will, but also understands duty. His family were killed ten years ago during the dwarven exodus, and he came here with a desire to fight any enemies of dwarves. I have appointed him Sheriff.

All the longstanding dwarves have been relieved of hauling and miscellaneous duties to focus on their key profession. (Examples: Lady Ruins shall only produce stone furniture. Kragus shall only butcher and bonecraft.) For many migrants I reassigned their previous professions; this fortress does not require eg. tanners, and they shall learn quickly enough. Despite this, the range of skills has led to the consideration that a clothing industry may be implemented in the future.

Aside from those already named, this fortress now homes: A miner, a carpenter (learning stonecrafting), a ranger (hunting), an animal caretaker (to learn blacksmithing/metalcrafting when available), a weaver (learning masonry), a weaver, a clothier, a tanner (learning stone detailing), a dyer, a wood burner (to learn armour/weaponsmithing when available), a peasant (learning farming) and a peasant (learning mechanics). A few brought pets, including one cat, but as both are male there is no risk of over breeding.


(It's "Make Your Own Bedroom" night!)

13th Slate
There has been an issue with two of the new dwarves. The carpenter has refused to leave his workshop, savagely demanding wood. Our stockpiles are empty. His predicament is unfortunate, but in my experience these supernatural moods tend to pass once the demon inside is sated. Rather than lose a successful warrior and put the risk of the workforce in danger I have ordered the deconstruction of part of the wooden animal pen. This will provide the logs, and the pen can be rebuilt with stone and refilled later.

Comparatively, the sheriff's predicament is notably less justified. Lady Ruins is dealing with the problem as I write.


(That's generally awkward. But he DID score a whip out of it.)

19th Slate
The carpenter has completed his design. It would appear to be a seemingly innocent wooden door with a knocker that wails and strangles any undesired dwarves. Vidar has described it as "awesome". His judgment is not unfounded.


(Awesome.)

[muwahahaha]

Wait a sec, is Kornash there in the CHANNEL? Or am I just hallucinating again?