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[Jim Groovester]

Maybe we like our characters, despite how short lived and mostly insignificant to the story they may have been. *sniff* Requiescet in pacem, Kodak, Requiescet in pacem.

If you're adamant about no previous characters, then I'll request a new one then, keeping with the theme of naming my characters after camera companies.

Name: Canon
Gender: Male
Profession: Stage Technician
Actual Profession: Mechanic
Description: As a former roadie for a dwarven hair metal band, he has experience rigging stages with various fireworks and other mechanical innovations to make the concert as rad as possible. Hearing about the Nude Lesbian Mud Wrestlers Army, it was an easy decision to lend them his talents.

Edit the details as you see fit if they don't work so well for what you have in mind. I won't complain. Much.

[Maggarg - Eater of chicke]

ok then

name: Skjald
Gender: Male
Prof: Miner
Description: A very, very, very, VERY old miner. Very. He hasn't quite got his mindset out into this century. Or the last century. Or indeed the century before. Still insists of talking in fourth convocation highland dwarvish, so no-one can actually understand him.
Is Maggarg's grumpy great-uncle's grumpier great uncle.

[Frelock]

I'd like to hop on with a migrant.

Name: Doc
Gender: Male
Profession: Cook/Brewer
Description: Actually the elder brother of Cookie.  He performed some weird ritual when they were very young, and thereby stole all of Cookie's luck.  After that, he ran away and never again thought of his former family.  This guy has it all going for him, and nothing ever deters him for long; problems just magically disappear.  However, he relies on his luck too often at times, and that has gotten him into trouble...once...which he then got out of by a stroke of extraordinary luck.  He's excessively excited about this fortress, as he's a womanizer of the worst sort.  He's also a degenerate card player, and usually wins...

[sonerohi]

Sasha
Wrestler
Foxy. Real foxy.

[Ririka]

Since she died, maybe Rika could be reincarnated as a dog?

...what? 

[Sir_Geo]

I'd like to be dwarfed (interestingly, spell check has no qualms about that word)

Name:Theodore P. Diggington
Gender: Male
Profession: Mason
Story: The (as he likes to be called) resents the fact that everyone assumes he is a miner because of his name. He decided to join the expedition out of the hope that he could find solace from his name-induced torment among the strange lot that is the NLMWA.
[I don't mind if you alter the back story if it clashes with anything]

[OneMoreNameless]

- CHAPTER FORTY FOUR: This Is Going Pretty OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD -

The Idle Doodlings Of Doomhammer (Translated)

1st Granite
I started digging my new home today! And it's not just my home, it's a home for all my new friends too! Before it was fun being with the Lady for a while. She was nice and taught me lots of tricks and things for digging and fighting and farming and all sorts of things. Then she showed me around this city and I was scared for a while because there were just TOO MANY DWARVES EVERYWHERE OH GOD but she told me it would be okay if I left and started doing things for just a few dwarves again. So I met this funny dwarf called Nice. He looks angry a lot but says funny things like "carpet" all the time. I don't know why.

There are more dwarves too. Marlkaris is nice and we talk about homes together sometimes. Namingway is boring, I don't like him much. And he collects beetles, yucky. There are three girl dwarves too. They usually only talk to each other. The one with really beautiful eyes plays with me sometimes, she says I'm cute!

Nice drew me a picture in the ground that I need to dig. It's hard to get, but I think everything starts from just one entrance near the soily place. Nice says the lowered path just to the north of there is like a "natural stadium" for the girls? I don't know. I'll start digging down and then up to the west and that's where stuff will be made. To the north is where we'll sleep. And much deeper in the ground is a big cave place where Nice will carry our stuff. We have a LOT of stuff, much more than I ever used to!

2nd Granite
Whew, I'm tired. I'm resting up by the caravan again now. I can see some bones here, I wonder what happened? Marlkaris says an eagle that was also a giant and a skeleton attacked them! Wow, it's confusing. The girls are hurt a little bit and nobody made a killing move but somehow the eagle died anyway. Again. I think. So now Marlkaris can see zombie goats in the distance. I think zombie means sleepy. The goats look very slow and like they forgot to wash. Uh oh, Nice is telling me to get back to work. I'd better go dig some more now!

12th Granite
Dig, dig, dig! Loam is easy to dig through, but salt is really slow. It's funny seeing Namingway build a workshop entirely out of salt. I hope the kitchens aren't, that would taste yuck. I've dug enough space now for all the workshops to be built or at least readied for later. Namingway is making some beds to sleep on, since one of the girls has a wound on her lower left arm that needs resting. Marlkaris is building a workshop for gems. He says he saw some right on the edge of the mountain while we were walking here! Nice has looked sad in the last few days. He wants the girls to take off their clothes for some reason but they won't. He also said he wishes he had a second pick to dig with. I offered him mine but he just told me to get back to work and something about an "elfephant"?

16th Granite
I've finished digging the bedroom! Nice says it will just be for the girls later, but he's going to put all the beds in there for now. There's lots of stone left over though so Nice and Namingway and Marlkaris are all throwing it down my staircase into a pile. I think they're just bored. Nice was really loud after Marlkaris accidentally grabbed a bed from the workshops and threw it into the pile too. I don't think I want to sleep on that one.

Or next to Nice.

24th Granite
Something weird happened today. The bones and the skull that were laying near our wagon are gone! Namingway went scouting but they were nowhere, like they had never been at all. One of the girls with the large behind said it was omen and we should go back to the city. The one with the large chest-behind laughed and said the dogs probably just ate them. Also today the beds were finally put in place! As soon as the first one was ready the girl with the beautiful eyes ran over and PLOMPHED right onto it, still clothed. Nice looked unhappy. I'm not very happy either because when I try and dig all these little red flies keep biting me. Nice said to start throwing all our "refuse" outside.

12th Slate


(This picture should be self explanatory by now. Elephant damn it.)

23rd Slate
I've finally finished all the digging! For now anyway. Marlkaris and the others have worked really hard too, clearing the rooms so there's space to put the stuff we have that isn't rocks. They've started carrying the stuff from our wagon down into our new home. Namingway has everything down there organised into little sections and stuff, it's really tricky. I was going to help carry the beer but Nice said he doesn't trust me to carry anything valuable. That made me feel sad, but ... I think Nice is just really sad too. The girl with beautiful eyes is looking really sick in bed and won't drink any beer and we don't know why. Nice joins the other girls beside her really often and I saw him punch a wall once when he was alone. I'm trying to help too, maybe if I can build some tables and chairs she'll come out of bed and eat breakfast at them. Or eat them. Salt is good for you, right?

6th Felsite
There is another skeleton bird outside!! Nice was keeping an eye on it but it came close too to the entrance quickly and now it's going to attack! The girl with beautiful eyes is still sick, so the girl with the large chest-behind became the leader and they're running out to fight now. She sounded really scared though, I don't know if she'll be able to fight or not. I can hear screaming. It's scary. I wish Marlkaris was here. All the other dwarves are outside getting stuff from the wagon. I'm going to take a peek and see how the girls are going outside.

The skeleton bird doesn't really look hurt, but the girls they ... Oh ... Oh god ...

The Dark Whisperings Of Doomhammer, The Once King

6th Felsite
Heh heh heh. I can smell the blood. Beautiful. Fresh. Dwarven. Hmph. Were I to hold a weapon. "Ass", the general called. Grazed. Knocked out. Limbs wretched from sockets. Feasted upon. "Tits" afraid. Battle comes to her. Wounded. Stunned. Torn to pieces. Scratches upon the skeletal beast mock their corpses. Yet they die. With the fool's eyes I saw the remains. Fate was generous. But fickle.


(On the upside, I'm fairly sure some of Ass's clothing finally dropped off with her limbs!)

Three dwarves run wild. A feast. The beast still hungers. A shadow crosses Namingway. He runs. Doomed fool. Noble or cowardly? The beast chases far away. Marlkaris and the general flee inside. Safe? Heh heh heh. Namingway is struck down. The beast cries victory. Satisfied, for now.

9th Felsite
Hide. Cower. Underground, where we belong. Breathe the dirt. Delicious. The fool's body requires more. Sate the body. Calm the mind. Feeble dwarves. Unhappy with death. Heh heh heh. Count the supplies. Useless wood. Useless leather. Meat. Too little. No booze. No plants. All left in the useless wagon. The beast is elsewhere. Run for it. Not I. Too busy, of course. Too unhappy. Heh heh heh. Marlkaris and the general cross the rocks. Quiet. Waiting. They return, barrels in hand. Useless for an eternity. Click. Spin the barrel. Your turn again.


(Broiled in BLOOD and paddled with DEATH.)

It smells fear and flies on the winds of panic. A darker power than I bore this beast. A challenge? Heh heh heh. Soon. Watch the shadow. Watch its path. Tonight, Marlkaris will die. The general screams. Weak. Too caring. Leave them both to die. Seal the entrance. Seal their fate. The beast stalks its prey. It enjoys the hunt. Flies further away. The general holds seeds. He erred, once. Maybe useful. Still a dwarf. Run out. Grab him. Pull him inside. Find the hatch. Lock it. Hear Marlkaris's screams. General is grateful. Saved his life. Promises a debt. Hmph. World owes-

The Idle Doodlings Of Doomhammer (Translated)

12th Felsite
I'm scared. I don't remember much about the last few days. I've been staying inside digging and making things with salt. But many of my friends are gone and they're not coming back ever. I can't go outside at all now. Nice says it's too dangerous. He says I saved him though. I don't remember that. Maybe he means the hatch I made? I remember him talking to me all of a sudden and asking what he could do for me. I didn't want anything but my friends back. The nice Lady who helped me before, she always seemed worried to be seen by other dwarves in the city too. I asked Nice if he ever met the Lady to be nice to her and keep her safe forever. Nice swore he would.

We're very unhappy all the time now. There's purple starting to grow from our storeroom. I'm trying not to think about it. I need to dig a farm so Nice can plant the seeds and make wine. If we're still okay by then.

26th Felsite
The girl with the beautiful eyes fell asleep and wouldn't wake up today. Nice says I have to build a stone box to put her in. I can smell rotting coming from outside. Me and Nice are the only two dwarves left now. Most of the friendly animals are inside too, but they don't help much. One cat and two big dogs and two horses and a donkey. Nice started tantruming and attacked the donkey. I nearly did the same thing but the donkey was okay and Nice calmed down. He says he's "fine" now. I miss Marlkaris. I don't know if I can keep this up much longer. I'm starting to feel miserable.

24th Hematite
Today our first harvest was ready to pick! Nice hasn't had time to build a kitchen yet, but we can put the helmets away somewhere until he does. There's a lot of work for two but I managed when I was alone so maybe we can still be okay. Nice is still unhappy most of the time but my mood got better. Sometimes I feel like I have this really strong friend inside me who helps keep me sane. Nice keeps saying everyone knew there was always a risk and he did all he should given what he knew. Maybe me and Nice can still survive together down here if we try really hard?


(Current theory: The first eagle was actually a CURSED SHADOW BEING that MERGED with the SOUL of the army to DOOM IT.)

[Maggarg - Eater of chicke]

Doomhammer is the Dwarf Incarnate.
If there was ever an All-Stars fortress, he'd be in it.

[muwahahaha]

Haha, so many dead already?

Anyway, if you manage to survive long enough for loads of immigrants to die arrive, then I'll grab a spare.

Name: Kaleshnig
Gender: meh
Prof: Crafter

Kaleshnig (or just K as his/her friends call him/her), was a good friend of Marlkaris, when he/she learned of his death he/she vowed to come and bring revenge upon the one who caused it.

[Sir_Geo]

Wow. That was completely unexpected.
Are you going to continue the story or will it head in new deadly exciting places?

[OneMoreNameless]

- CHAPTER FORTY FIVE: Aftermath -

My Very First Captain's General's Log

5th Malachite
Out of all the dwarves. That carping eagle could have eaten. Why did I. Have to be left. With Doomhammer. Why couldn't it have been Eyes and I? We could have repopulated the fortress ourselves. Or at least Namingway. But no, flooding Hammy has to save my life and lock us down here. It might actually be easier if he didn't have those rare, brief glimpses of competence. Instead I'm left listening to his purple stories about Mark living in clouds and begging him to smirk darkly and start digging a refuse room like an actual dwarf.

I digress. The most important thing for us now, elephant damn it it hurts just to write this, is to stay in a good mood. We have a working farm and unless flooding kobolds start picking the lock we're safe from the undead. Physically, the only danger is Hammy snapping and waving that pick axe around while I'm sleeping. So, I've assigned each of us a war dog. Both as company, and a meatshield if we're attacked again. Hammy is currently digging a meeting room for all two of us, in which he'll place a few statues and as many idle doodlings as will fit on the walls and floor. Meanwhile, I'm still farming and clearing stone out of our kitchen. Miasma is something of a problem, but even with a refuse room I'd be too carping busy hauling stone to move any lizard remains.

Okay, maybe this wasn't the best plan.

13th Malachite
Hammy has noted that our "fortress" (what does he call a hovel? A spoonful of dirt?) has attracted no migrants this season. I am shocked, SHOCKED, that this is the case. And Hammy is officially calling me a friend now. Good for him. To celebrate, I've assigned us beds as far away from each other as possible. And the same thing with the tables. If nothing else came of this disaster, at least we get two chairs each and I can rest my feet on the second. Maybe I should use what little time I have to sit down to start a "Write Endless Blather LOG" too, in the meeting room. Current Mood: Just Carpin' "Fine".

7th Malachite
I hadn't really noticed before, but that is one admirable burial receptacle that Hammy built earlier. I'm almost feeling "quite content" just looking at it. At least until I remember the corpse inside. Which is something of a downer. To say the least.

That's not a flooding tear drop, I spilled my wine, carp it. Hammy makes so much noise that it's disturbing my much needed rest. And half of that is him complaining about not having enough chairs. Even though we have TWICE AS MANY CHAIRS as dwarves. I suppose I should count myself lucky I'm not our donkey. That thing is still staggering around with an injurred head and lower body after it ... fell down some stairs, yes. It usually waits around the meeting room, unlike the cat, which has taken to following me personally and dropping corpses at my feet. Probably trying to carping choke me to death. I've stopped wasting time dumping stone now (our stockpiles aren't going to get THAT full any time soon) just to make sure the elephant damned retch is contained safely. I pulled up most of the farm as well, we won't need much and can always eat the flooding donkey.


(It is told that in the ADABverse there has only ever been one good cat, the first spawned feline 3^3. ('Eve' backwards didn't work.) She gave birth to uncountable kittens from uncountable husbands. (Don't think too hard about that.) However, all had been corrupted to evil after the once pure Mada used Armok's tree of knowledge as a scratching post. And pissed on His beard while He was sleeping, which is also directly responsible for all kittens being born with a ghost limb and occasionally thinking they're too injured to carry prey. The hands themselves started a rock band named the Skeletal Windmills but have since disbanded and now a live quiet life of locking hatches when no dwarves are present and throwing Links back to the start of the dungeon.)

Oh yes. And HOW could I forget. Hammy has finally finished smoothing (what did he use, his TONGUE?) and started engraving. The first pictures were of a flask and a local government, although I seriously doubt any true DWARVEN civilisation would use a plump helmet as their symbol. Oh wait I can totally believe that.

1st Limestone
I finally snapped and hauled that elfephant from doodling all day, demanding that he dig and furnish us some decent bedrooms away from his own flooding racket. I don't NEED a cabinet for my one smelly set of rags, but we'll never get anywhere without ambition. And I'll be carped if I don't SOMEHOW form my nude lesbian army from two male dwarves locked up together. Purple, that sounds like a bad slashfic. CARP, now I'm thinking about it. Need a distraction, need a distraction, need a distraction. I'll just go stare at those gems from the dining room that Hammy finally dug up. I'll stick them on some furniture later. Who'd have thought I'd ever miss MARK'S lack of talents?

Also, puppies. We have them, and they're annoying. But edible and covered in materials I don't have the time to use yet. I'm almost tempted to throw them in a cage to keep them out of my face. Because, you know when we were all alive SOME elephant thought they'd carry those three heavy hunks of metal down before a bag of carping seeds. Speaking of which, we ran out of ale earlier this week. I tried to make some, to find we had no barrels. I tried to make some barrels, but despite all the logs downstairs I evidently didn't feel like making any more than ONE. So now we have exactly four serves of wine left while Hammy is thirsty and asleep. Still in the communal beds. Yeah, that lazy elephant carper is getting yelled at after he wakes up. "After" IF I'm feeling generous.

24th Limestone
Recently a handful of merchants were optimistic enough to turn up at our "fortress". (Don't ask me how I know this.) Their optimism crossed the line into stupidity precisely at the moment the merchants and diplomat on foot noticed the zombies, occasional dwarf corpse, abandoned wagon and decided to stay here doing nothing. They're carping lucky the eagle isn't around right now, but I'm sure sure as carp not starting an open market.

And they're not the only ones doing nothing. Hammy declared himself on break and is doing purple all right now, looking very "happy" with himself. At least he finished our bedrooms, and we now have 400% more barrels. And 150% more horses. When he's quite carping finished I'll order him to resume engraving. I'll go back to farming. The merchants might go back to selling elsewhere. The horses will go back to MOCKING ME. The miasma will go back to smelling. Good times.

A Day In The Life Of: Jessica Wetshirt, Peasant

19th Sandstone
"Man, all I'm saying is that it seems a bit weird, you know?"
"Aha. Is it truly so strange that returning to do paperwork might ... slip the mind of a dwarf in charge of such an 'army'?"
"Simply ceasing to communicate with the outside world is unfathomable for the leader of any organisation!"
"CRUSH THE LAZY MAN!"
"Dude, we have got to give her a volume control or something."
"Bah. Forget your new fangled dodgy mechanics, no, a real dwarf used to shut their friends up with good old fashioned fisticuffs!"

Hey! I think we're finally here! It's weird though, I don't see any mud spa resort ... No, it must be right, you can see a few sets of discarded clothing. And some bones too, they must be having tons fun if they're not even cleaning up out here. Oh look! There's a hatch, General Nice must have built it all underground! This is going to be the best vacation -

Nice: "QUICK you carping IDIOTS get inside DEAR GOD."
"Well HE'S nowhere as attractive I heard ..."
"That tone most certainly does not fall within the acceptable greeting standards as advised by the current king elect, what if an elf were to overhear this?!"
"Dude, there's only like some camels around here. What's the rush?"
Nice: "Do it, DO IT NOW! Great, the diplomat sneaked it, now look what you've done."
"Hey trust me General, nothing bad's going to happen while I'm around. Unless you ladies want it to."
"I'm not sober enough for you by a long shot, honey."
"I'M TOO SOBER FOR A SUNDAY MORNING!"
Nice: "Oh and by the way? You, you, you and YOU. All recruited. Strip down. Hey, you without the shirt. You get to be the leader for forward thinking. Now GET THE CARP INSIDE before the eagle comes back!"

... Um, what?


(Can YOU identify each migrant's speech? Play along at home!)

[Jackrabbit]

This is so funny Nameless. The writing style is brilliant!

Goddammit, where are these spambots coming from?

[Maggarg - Eater of chicke]

Huh, in MY day we had to send each other physical letters promising Mexican viagra and Nigerian royal money.

[Jackrabbit]

*cough*

[Maggarg - Eater of chicke]

That ain't no cough.
Weren't even no blood!