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[Vaftrudner]

From the team that brought you How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Zombie Troll (ok, not exactly team, since my illustrators couldn't keep up with my gargantuan lack of life, but replace "team" with "the sad fucker who could actually stand it" and it's basically true):

What's so funny 'bout peace, love and understanding?
or, A tale of blood, sweat and soap

Yes, another LP. This one takes place in a world I got from Qloos, big thanks to him. The situation has more potential for disaster than the glacier of Catbaldness, thankfully. I will still be writing this myself, but there will be no pictures this time since Heffa and Ragathol have other things to do. I'm sorry about that. If you want to, you can always send me pictures. If I feel that they are funny and contribute to the story, I'll add them.


The spring of 201
Introduction by Tulon Tathurkivish, dedicated soaper







So the elves decided that they'd had enough. For decades, they've been sending diplomats warning us that mother Earth will not tolerate our rape of her most beloved creatures. For decades, we have been cutting the things down, made ballista arrows and shot their women and children, as any sane dwarf would. We were all surprised by their ferocious attack, though. Wooden weapons were not that big a threat to our steel armors until they started making arrows and filling the bloody sky with them. Who would have thought that the same creatures who wrote "All we are saying, is give trees a chance" would slaughter us by the dozens and eat our corpses?

We've tried negotiating, and they only have one demand. Unfortunately, it's "the total annihilation of your entire fucking species", as one of their diplomats quite eloquently put it. I might be partial, but this does not seem like a good deal to me, so I went to talk to the king. I have an idea for an outpost that will signal our strength and glory, one made of the finest, most divine of substances. Soap.

He agreed that the only way to show our superiority as a species is by making a tower out of all the tings the elves hold dear, but he didn't want to send too many able-bodied dwarves into unknown wilderness where elves might be crawling around. He told me that I would recieve some provisions and six companions, among them the second best soaper of the Honest Paint. If we could make it and prosper, he would have more dwarves sent over to assist us.





Together we set out to build what will either be the greatest symbol of our coming victory, or the most beautiful of last stands.

[Glacies]

You are going to die.

Have fun!

[Vaftrudner]

You are going to die.

Have fun!

Everyone's going to die. The question is, how many hippies can you take down with you?

[Boksi]

Whoo, soap! Make sure to have a road built out of it too!

[WorkerDrone]

Soap...oh I see what your doing. Thats evil. Good job.

[Keldor]

Hmm... We may have a first - clean dwarves.  I doubt even a dwarf could remain dirty for long in a soap tower!

[Eita]

...

I love you.

[Vaftrudner]

...

I love you.

Fine, but no touching!

Boksi: No soap roads, unfortunately. I needed roads quickly, and soap takes so much time producing. By the way, to anyone else who wants to make a suggestion, you're very welcome, but most of the time I'm  far ahead of the thread. Especially now that I wanted to make sure of some things before turning this into an LP.


Spring, continued, by Tulon Tathurkivish, soaper extraordinaire


The few, the brave, the clean:







I managed to get a few quite skilled dwarves with me, thankfully. Litast is one of the finest miners of the mountainhome and all of them are experienced in several areas. I'm especially happy that Stākud came along with his steel axe and thorough knowledge of booze. We had a difficult decision to make when arriving, though.



To the south, we had a wonderful area with plenty of trees, foxes playing in beautiful springs, fertile ground and sand to turn into works of transparent art.




To the north, a crack in the mountain leading directly to hell and fifty shades of death.

But damn, those stones gleam!



We decided to play it safe and settle in the middle. Litast and Tirist got to work carving out a temporary hall for storage and beds, while the rest of us started hauling food.




Nothing of interest happened the first few weeks. The wildlife was threatening but kept passive while we got to work carving away slopes, building walls where necessary and hauling our arses off.



By the end of Slate, the naked mole dogs were getting a bit too close, and we decided in a 6-1 vote that we had enough wood, and Stākud should go chop off some heads instead.



He did quite well, except for the part where he decided to stop chopping off heads and start putting his hand in their mouths.





He was all pissed just because he had to walk home himself, and when he got to bed, Litast accidentally dropped a tiny little roof on his head. The big baby.



The important thing was that with a butcher's shop and a kitchen quickly thrown together, we finally had the first raw material we need for the soap tower! I asked Mafol where she'd put the vials, eager to get an alchemist's going.

"Weren't you supposed to bring the vials?" she replied.

Fuck.

[Shoruke]

I suddenly realize I don't know as much as I thought about the dwarf fortress forums. What's an LP?

And NICE idea with the whole soap tower thing. I approve of the symbolism of everything elves stand against.

[A_Fey_Dwarf]

I think LP stands for 'Let's Play'. Which is pretty much most of the stories on this forum.
Anyways I have decided to post an image. I hope you like.



Those pink things are the naked mole dogs, which i assume are similar to naked mole rats.

This was my first time using GIMP to draw a picture and i couldn't figure out how to get non-feathered lines.

[Vaftrudner]

LP = Let's Play, AAR = After Action Report. I have no idea what the difference is really, so I use the terms synonymously. The best part is that I'm Swedish, so whenever my English gets really bad, I can just look sad and say "It no easy for foreigner!" and fill you with guilt.

Thanks for the pictures A_Fey_Dwarf!


Summer by Mafol Othsinunib, three times awarded "Best cat tallow soap" and regular runner up in the Soaplympics




This outpost is the worst fucking mess I've ever seen. We've got the workshops right next to the beds, stockpiles on every available surface and tons of useless stones everywhere. We should be working on defense, getting some steady food production and clean the place up right now, but instead, Tulon has given orders for a soap production room to be dug out.





I had to nag for weeks before the miners did the two minute job of channeling the small springs above into the farm room, which doubled our amount of soil, but at least Kogan has work to do now.




Stākud's hand looks slightly better now, but since he's still in bed and noone else can be bothered, I decided to make my own weapons in late spring. I managed to make a crossbow and some bolts out of what we had lying around, and Tulon immediately told me to go out hunting. She sees this as a great opportunity to get us some tallow for the soap. All we have to do, she keeps reminding me, is build a lye maker's and a wood burner, plus of course a small kiln and glass furnace for the vials. No biggie.

Sure, I'm a soaper and I too love the smell of lye in the morning. But I've never met anyone that fucking obsessed before. Why survive when we can make soap out of the corpses?




So I've been out killing everything I've come across all summer, while everyone else has been working like mad, setting up her bloody workshops, collecting sand and whatnot. We're all on permanent butchery duty, and even I have to help slaughter kittens as soon as they are born. I'm beginning to hate it here.




So an entire summer was spent just getting a soap wall smaller than a goblin cock in Opal put up. This will be a great defense if we get invaded by a single enemy that's thirty yards wide, as he will now have some problems squeezing himself in. I feel so safe and happy.

[Boksi]

Love it, especially how pissed off Mafol sounds. Made me giggle.

One tiny nitpick: In my opinion, Soaplympics, not Soalympics.

[Vaftrudner]

Love it, especially how pissed off Mafol sounds. Made me giggle.

One tiny nitpick: In my opinion, Soaplympics, not Soalympics.

”It no easy for foreigner! (yeah, fixed that typo, thanks.)

[Boksi]

Me no native either!

Everybody makes mistakes sometimes though, and compared to many native English speakers you're quite good. Well, back to scheming and schematics... Perhaps 128 tiles long is a bit too much. I'll need too many z-levels...

[Martian]

I've been lurking on the forum for a few days, and the community games made me register.

This sounds like a great story. Looking forward to more updates.

Could you post the seed for this world? I've never had a world at war with any civs.

(Also not a first language English speaker here.)