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[galmud]

Once when I was trading with some dwarven merchants I had a goblin ambush one of the ambushers an elf. The dwarves nearby ran away towards the fortress but instead of pursuing them the cowardly elf decided to slaughter two other of my fortress inhabitants, two little helpless pet kittens. The filthy elf and his goblin friends then ran for the fortress entrance surely looking for more defenseless animals to kill

Fortunately the entrance was right next to trading depot where the dwarven merchant guards were waiting for them. Leading the attack the kittenmurderer charged the entrance. One of the merchant guards ran to face the elf and with just one swing with his axe he sent the elfs head flying in a bloody but beautiful arc. Sweet revenge!

When the rest of the goblins were finished off I placed the elfs head to rot on a nearby hilltop as an example of what happens to kittenmurderers

[Mirefrost00]

One fortress, my hunter was severely injured, and carried off to rest in the barracks.  His cat would go in and lay beside him frequently.  I'm channeling rock from above for an above-ground farm, when my idiot miners carve off a big shelf, which drops one Z-level, onto my hunter's cat.  It survived, but every ten steps or so, it would pass out, what with the two broken legs and broken head.  The first place it staggered to was its master.  I almost cried, cursing the miners to all nine Hells.

Not as bad as the time a kitten fell through a hole into my recently-flooded underground farm, which I was having difficulty figuring out how to drain.  I panicked, built a screwpump, and proceeded to drench the food stockpile until the water was low enough to open the door.  I'm so glad the little bastards can swim.

[Shurikane]

1) Jeweler runs into fey mood.
2) Miners frantically dig around to find jewels.
3) Shuri drafts two peasants into the army and tells them to follow the jeweler around in case things go sour.
4) Jeweler goes nuts and goes to hide in a corner while talking to himself.
5) Shuri undrafts one of the peasants and decides to keep the other in a permanent guard, just in case.
6) Soldier gives birth to a beautiful girl!
7) Shuri realizes he had drafted a pregnant woman.
8) Girl is birted at the exact same moment the jeweler dies of self-imposed starvation.
BONUS!  My miners find jewels at this exact moment too.  Dammit.
9) The first thing the baby sees in her life is DEATH!
10) Shuri assigns new mother to soldiering duty anyway.  She does her rounds with her baby in one hand and an axe in the other.

When the snatcher came in to steal some children, you can bet your gluteus maximus that my soldier-mom didn't appreciate this invasion.

The snatcher paid.

Dearly.

[Overdose]

Pulling a lever to my cat cage i have conveniently placed in the courtyard. Some goblins were ambushing me, and managed to chase my woodcutters through my incomplete walls, but didn't follow them through my doors into my soldiers. I figured if anything, the 50 or so excess cats would die fighting off the horrible goblin ambush and taking a couple with them........but they didn't even come close to killing a single one. Maybe i should try it with war dogs next time.....

[krumlink]

Or leopards! Those elves might be useful for something, besides free goods

[Sir Doober]

There is nothing quite as amusing as playing Goblin Snatcher Golf with my Champion female Hammerdorf. HOW she can send goblins flying that far with a hammer in one hand and a kid in the other is beyond me.

She's churning out the kids as well, her firstborn son is now the Mayor, her firstborn daughter is Legendary is all talky skills, she's got another son and then FIVE more girls on the list. Thankfully for my FPS, i've started issuing mandatory contraception to all dwarves. (Thankyou init file).

Sad moment, was in the same fort, my second (And third) goblin ambush got sent back over the brook in a few more pieces then they crossed with, everyone had survived without a scratch, I was sending my Champions back for victory tea and crumpets while the lemming rush of dwarfs swarmed out the front door to collect their 'well deserved' loot, when I noticed that a hunting dog of mine got tremendously mangled in the melée, which explains the lack of wounds of my standing army. I had gotten rather attached to the little dog as well, and so he got locked up in a room with a peasant with Animal Caretaker turned on and a few barrels of beer and food, as well as a bed. A few of his mangled wounds have turned to broken so far, only time shall tell what will happen. He'd better live though.

[Bluerobin]

Not sure how funny this is, but it's definitely a bit sad (it ended up being pretty long - sorry!).  The fort I'm working on right now is in the middle of a completely level wasteland with no vegetation and an aquifer.  There are two non-rock below-ground z levels before you get to the aquifer, so I thought "Hmm I could do this, just have to make sure I get wood for pumps from the merchants."  This went on for about 3 or 4 years with my first two pump operations failed.  I was able to recover most of the pump materials each time and didn't lose too many dwarves, but the remaining dwarves weren't all that happy with their quality of life.  More and more migrants kept showing up though, and I was up around 80 at one point with about 20 beds in a common meeting hall room for all of them.  More than enough food, but I kept running out of alcohol because they kept filling barrels with food.  Anyway, long story short, by the time I punched through the aquifer I was down to about 60 dwarves because of small goblin ambushes and tantrums.  I got some mason shops set up and started cranking through some things to hopefully make my dwarves happier.  No dice.  Over the course of three seasons or so I was down to about 25 dwarves when 4 goblin ambush groups popped out to attack an elven caravan.  They slaughtered the elves (after following them to the fortress) and started going after my dwarves.  I had some pretty burly pump operators at this point, so I drafted everyone and defended the fort to the last.  Three of the 4 groups retreated (the fourth was a little late to the party, so it didn't see the battle) but I was down to two dwarves (a peasant and a child) by the time that happened.  The last group of gobbos came down into my fort, entered the common bedroom/meeting hall where the overexerted peasant and grievously wounded child were passed out on the floor resting.  They made quick work of the peasant and must have decided their work there was done, because they just up and left.  The child survived the rest of that season "resting" on the floor so he was tired and thirsty by the time the next wave of migrants showed up.  It's kind of miraculous that they did, but they apparently decided the "brave the terrifying fort, even though they knew it would be their tomb."  Now, about a year and a half later I'm up to about 75 dwarves again, they're all happy and I have a well defended entrance with rooms for each of my dwarves.  The child (given a job title "the Last" when the goblins finally left) made a full recovery and somewhere along the way went into a fey mood and ended up as a legendary bone carver.  Apparently he had a mother, father, and two older siblings that all died to the goblins.  The only reminders of the old days are the dozens of coffins and a little note at the bottom of the child's personality description that says "He's getting used to tragedy."

[Kanil]

Sir Doober: AFAIK, Animal Caretaking doesn't do anything for the animal, just nets the dwarf a few XPs.

Bluerobin: Awesome.

[RPharazon]

In one of my latest fortresses, I was making an above-ground barracks/fortification tower/megaproject. I also built a moat.

So in the middle of the construction, I'm suddenly not happy with my bridge roofs (roofs made out of bridges) because I realize that they won't show up in 3Dwarf. So I deconstruct them and a bit of the flooring in between them.

The floors crash down, through the 3 z-levels of the above-ground fort, through the moat through the food stockpile, through the bar/block stockpile, and into the great hall.

A dwarf dies in the process, and the recently-opened lava channel is thundering towards the new hole in the moat.

I don't know how I did it, but I managed to seal off the moat and rebuild everything before the lava death arrives, at the cost of the food stockpile.

4 in-game months later, I accidentally cave in a cliffside.

It, again, punches through the lava moat, into the refuse stockpile, and ends up in the weapon stockpile. Only this time, the lava moat has lava in it.

The firey death invaded my fortress. I just gave up, dug direct passages to the magma pipe, sealed off the exits, and watched as my fortress descended into madness. A dwarf went insane from the get-go, tore apart a child, and threw himself into the lava.

The rest of them huddled in the main hall, maybe thinking that the lava would not reach them.

It did. It killed them all.

Except for one dwarf, who went into a fey mood and managed to get into his room a second before the lava death sealed it off.

He ended up starving to death shortly after.

[Sir Doober]

Sir Doober: AFAIK, Animal Caretaking doesn't do anything for the animal, just nets the dwarf a few XPs.

I know, it's the thought that counts Besides, I got like 3 Rangers of various skills in that migration and they couldn't all be Marksdwarfs.

[DI7789]

I had just started a brand new fortress (About fifteen minutes ago) and not four minutes in I got a message 'Ambush!' and I see a giant cave spider (I didn't even know cave spiders could cause 'Ambush' warnings) enter from the edge of the map (Oh, I forgot to mention I have a chasm which may or may not have contributed to this amazingly early invasion) and kill about five groundhogs. Later on, after ignoring this spider completely I get the message 'stray cat has been entangled in a hidden web!'

I zoom to the cat and see it struggling helplessly against the web, eventually getting free. My thoughts of the spider coming straight for the poor cat were quickly dissolved when I saw absolutely nothing resembling an upper-case 's' nearby and the cat slowly got free. Though the cat was hanging around dangerously close to the chasm there was still no nearby risk. I then see it walk straight through the rest of the web, getting caught each time but somehow getting untangled without anything coming close to it.

Soon after my rather thick cat gets tangled in the final web, then I see it. Like a big '5' stalking towards the poor creature, I then see a mass of web obscure my view of both the cat and the spider. Then I see a bit of cat fly out from the web accompanied with the message 'stray cat has been struck down'

I giggled at the immense thickness of the cat's AI, then felt a bit sad as I saw flying cat paw hit a tree

[Doppel]

I was building a bridge some few z levels above a river. It was going to be grand.

Then i realized i had a problem with one of the corners, the problem was that i couldn't built it because it didn't have a viable path (only diagonally). But this problem was easy to fix though. I decided against using stairs to reach a viable path to the unbuilt wall because it would take longer then i wanted it to take, i decided against building a floor to the unbuilt wall because it takes so damn long for it to be unbuilt after i don't need the floor anymore. So i used a floor grate, forgetting it doesn't support anything, including the wall that was to be built. The second the wall was built, it came crashing including the mason that built it down into the river which created a nice hole right into my fortress. My fortress died of flooding while i was dying of laughter.

[Gamerofthegame]

 Mm, a failure on my part. Started a fort, dug a trench from the fort area to a magma pipe with a channel and a higher level, accidentally made it so the lava flowed in both Z-levels and had to close off the top one, oh well, continued on. Set up a magma glass thing and found out (In my defense, I hadn't played DF in a while) I didn't check for sand, and there wasn't any sand on the map. I cried a little on the inside. Oh well. Managed to get a anvil after a bit of aggravation, after all I didn't have any craft goods, and set up a smelter and such. Anyway. Moving on for a bit.

 I suddenly found, as I went to go send my ex-glassworker to do some more smelting on the plethora of copper... That there was a advancing pool of magma. It destroyed the stations. Magma doesn't flow up!

 I found by doing exploration that the lava on the higher Z level actually rode on top of the lower Z-level's 7/7 magma to bypass the wall. And being that all the rooms or such are on a few Z levels down with the staircase not to far... Well...

 While agonizingly slow, there were crispy, burnt dwarves to be had for all.

[Lord Dullard]

One fortress, my hunter was severely injured, and carried off to rest in the barracks.  His cat would go in and lay beside him frequently.  I'm channeling rock from above for an above-ground farm, when my idiot miners carve off a big shelf, which drops one Z-level, onto my hunter's cat.  It survived, but every ten steps or so, it would pass out, what with the two broken legs and broken head.  The first place it staggered to was its master.  I almost cried, cursing the miners to all nine Hells.

Not as bad as the time a kitten fell through a hole into my recently-flooded underground farm, which I was having difficulty figuring out how to drain.  I panicked, built a screwpump, and proceeded to drench the food stockpile until the water was low enough to open the door.  I'm so glad the little bastards can swim.

...wait, we're actually supposed to be feeling compassion for them?

Oops, I've been butchering them by the hundreds.

[Axe27]

My butcher shops run day and night.

All you hear is constant grinding, and you see huge amounts of kitten like skulls and bones being taken away to be crafted into totems and bolts, respectively.