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[Asheron]

KAMIKAZI!
I used to do something similar with a bazooka in MOH. There was no way you could get close enough to let a grenade explode.
Ah... the old times.

[Sean Mirrsen]

My old keyboard (the desktop one) has a faulty W key, with E being close to being faulty. It's also got the left Windows button forcibly removed. Also, the spacebar will no longer work unless I hit it dead center. The rest of it's fairly dirty but reasonably operational.

My laptop's keyboard hasn't seen enough use yet, but I suppose DF will spell quick death for the Fn key...

[Idiom]

The Ctrl, Alt, and Delete keys not being particularly worn would indicate you run linux or mac.

[Qmarx]

I'm typing this with an on-screen keyboard, composed entirely of pure and pristine light, menacing with spikes of aliasing. 

[Sappho]

My keyboard's in pretty good condition, no gunk on any of the keys and they all work perfectly (lovely clickity-clackety noises every time you hit a key, it's marvelous) because it's pretty new.  It's not that I have a new computer or anything - it's that it's my third keyboard since buying this computer two years ago.

You see, I have a tendency to spill alcoholic beverages on my keyboard.  I can drink all the water and juice I want around my keyboard and never spill a drop, but the thing about alcohol is that it messes up your hand-eye coordination and makes it much easier to knock over a glass or bottle.  I therefore make a rule of not drinking alcoholic beverages near the computer, but the thing about alcohol is it messes up your reasoning skills and makes you think that's a stupid rule for suckers, until that one St. Patrick's Day when you spill green beer all over it.  Fortunately it's possible to fix this by rinsing it off with water (especially if you have a water-resistant one like I was sure to buy) and then leaving it to dry for a few days, but the thing about alcohol is it messes up your memory, so you either forget to rinse it off, or forget you spilled green beer on it to begin with.

Bonus points if you can analyze this without calling me a lush.

[Reasonableman]

Bonus points if you can analyze this without calling me a lush.

Alright. You're a drunk.

I DIDN'T SAY LUSH!! HA HA- oh crap.

[Asheron]

Sean Mirrsen: A faulty W key ( the W of водка? ) might be a sign you have a QWERTZ keyboard, and you frequently tap the W in games such as FPS's and RPG's to move forward. Very progressive.
The E key indicates either randomness or a frequent inability to press the W key ( perhaps caused by already mentioned CMИPHOФФ? ( I couldn't resist  ))
The removal of the left Windows button is a sign of rebellion against the evil demons in your keyboard. Continue the good work.
The faulty space bar is a sign that you are unsure of your position in the world. As such, you are preferring to be in the dead center.
Reasonable dirty keyboards are just a sign of close bonds between you and the keyboard. Go and join the queue to hug your keyboard.
The Fn key that is going to be destroyed betrays the efficient worker in you.

In a few words: Progressive Rebel of Uncertainity and Efficiency.

[Sean Mirrsen]

Got the W right, I was frequently playing CS and Battlefield a few years back. Also, frequent browsing of the internet without making use of favorites or autocomplete functions. The E is, suprisingly, from a similar disease - this time from Morrowind - I bound E to "use".

And I don't drink anything more alcoholic than kvass, and I dislike even that.

[Asheron]

Ah, Morrowind. I can derive from that that you are a frequent user of enchanted game-breaking items that could make a lvl 1 defeat Vivec. Or a mage.

And, yey, I learned something today. Never heard of Kvass before.
Was I right about the QWERTZ part?

[DJ]

I use a Croatian keyboard, and it's an annoying version where ž key takes up space that rightfully belong to the backspace, so I often type ž instead of deleting what I wrote.

There's plenty of lint in my keyboard, but that's all it has. No primordial soup of any kind. I did find a nugget of marijuana in it, however.

The down arrow has been erased, but the key still works perfectly. In fact, all of my keys work perfectly, except for zero (not the numpad one) which needs to be hit a bit harder. Other erased keys include left ctrl and j. Left shift, a and the other three arrow keys are partially erased. There's some dust accumulated on the key cluster above the arrow keys.

[Sean Mirrsen]

I didn't know QWERTZ even existed. If it existed, I never heard of it. I have a standard QWERTY.

[Asheron]

QWERTZ is used in different East-Europian countries, and that's all I know.

DJ:Lint in your keyboard is a distinct sign of selflessness. Don't ask me why, the elder ones made it so.
Nuggets of marijuana are troubling. Perhaps you have difficulties winning in games. Remember son, winners don't do drugs, they sell them.
The down arrow is a metaphor for no going back. You think you can't go back in your life, but you actually can. Step back and gloat and those people in the future.
A faulty working zero that is not on the numpad is a sign that you refuse to negate things. Let go off it, DJ. Or just blow it up. Remember, dividing by 0 is bullshit.
The left ctrl button stands for your liberal side, which may be erased after a local LCC raid gone bad. Don't worry; the LCC will come and enlighten you again.
The J stands for joke, joohoo and jellow ( :p ). Because you can't negate things, you have been losing humor in your life. Get up and watch some worldgen battles. It will surely lighten you up. Partially erased buttons stand for luck.
Dust on your numpad is a sign of distrust towards mathematics.
Perhaps, you have found out you can divide by zero, and that it's all a conspiracy.

In a few words: Selfless Gloater of Unnegating Distrust.

Sappho: You prefer the liquids of an alcoholic nature. As I can derive, your Irish, so it is quite natural. You are unstable when drinking, which leads to tantruming, kitten butchering, carp wrestling and other dwarfish things.
Instead of just saying your drunk, I'm just going to say your a half-dwarf half-leprenauch ( spelling? ).

In a few words: Unstable Irish Carpwrestler of Faded Memory.

[DJ]

I have a QWERTZ.

Also, that was amazingly accurate. It's kind of scary just how accurate it is.

[LSTAR]

The "i" key has completely faded from my keyboard.

I... I don't know what to think.

[More comprehensive review of keys and boards when I have time]

[Nilocy]

Hmm, well my A, S and D keys all have a small colony of grime starting to form under them. Dust is all over the F keys. I really can't say much for this keybaord, i've not had it for very long.