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[Benitosimies]

Galena 18, 1061

Vomit Vigilante strikes again
Fortress Guard officials baffled
by Ked Lorddisembowelment, Competent Reporter


The body of officer Solon Lunchescliffs was found last night near Dodok Drinkercrush's mill and waterworks.

Coroner Nish Tentmajesty pronounced Lunchescliffs' cause of death to be spinning vomit wounds to the neck and eyes, a hallmark of the Vomit Vigilante, whom the guard has been pursuing since Hematite when sitings were first reported.

Reports state that Lunchescliffs was about to start a day of beatings after a day of drinking near the legendary meeting hall. After finishing a stack of wine Lunchescliffs started his queue of criminals to beat for violating mayor Paintedbasements' prohibition of idol exportation last week.

However, Lunchescliffs was soon mortally wounded. Tantrumming guard captain Urist Gazellewires came up with no trace of the Vomit Vigilante after the incident, but Drinkercrush, the sole witness, states he escaped under a water wheel.

"I couldn't believe it," she went on. "You'd have to be superdwarvenly agile to pull that off."

"There's no way we'll be seeing more of the Vomit Vigilante." declared Gazellewires. "The water in the pipes under that wheel is at least seven dwarves deep."

Officials certainly have not called off the search, though. Both mayor Paintedbasements and baron Futurebakes are still employing adventurers to rid the fortress of the Vomit Vigilante, offering a reward of Championhood. None have been successful, and those who have spotted the hurl hurler come away with mangled thumbs, unable to further fight.

Before last night's events, 6 craftsdwarves have starved in prison and 3 additional have been beat publicly. Both mayor Paintedbasements and baron Futurebakes have declined to comment, although in light of recent woundings and deaths beatings have seen a decrease.

"It's only a matter of time before this criminal is in chains." said Gazellewires. "Every day our investigation is leading us closer."

Others, such as Tentmajesty, have not been so optimistic.
"I've seen ultra-mighty adventurers brought down by this ambusher. I doubt if even Thine Eagletubes, legendary swordsman and armor user, could find him, let alone kill him."

The Vomit Vigilante often stalks near noble offices and guard barracks. He wears a donkey leather cowl and a pig tail dress, as well as armor made of various materials. Citizens are advised to stay out of sunlight until he is caught.

[RavingManiac]

So was this in fortress mode or adventure mode? I do not recall any waterwheels in AI forts.

[Kagus]

Methinks 'twas all in Creative Mode...

Bloody good show, in any case.  Will the hurl hurler strike again?

[Aqizzar]

(Long)


"I tell you Lokum mate, 'tis a say day when a guardsman can't make his due rounds without the threat of being mauled by a projectile vomit projectile."

"Indubitably Bomrek friend. As if chasing down blockade runners to give due punishment weren't enough trouble, now to be looking over our shoulders for flying regurgitant. What a frightful way to meet one's end!"

"Frightful it is, Lokum. I say, who's that shifty chap standing in sick over there?

"I'm not sure, Bomrek. Tell us guvnor, what's with this pool of emesis all over the floor?"

"Bad bit of sunlight, I'm sure. And something about this XXmandril tallow roastXX didn't agree with me."

"Lokum, I don't believe we've seen this cur in the dining room before."

"Not once, Bomrek. Well, migrant, what's your game?"

"This valorous visitation of a bygone vexation stands vivified and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin vanguarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition!"

"A lovely rhyme friend, but there's no meter."

"Indeed, and what's all this about vice and volition, eh?

"The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta, held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous."

"Lokum, I daresay the chap's gone fey. Or hit a buffer return at V."

"Quite so Bomrek. In either case, a good spot of violence is... Wait, V?"

"This vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose, so let me simply add that it's my very good honor to meet you and you may call me-"

"The Vomit Vigilante!"

"Verily.  Do try some of my XXmandril tallow roastXX, it made a wonderful breakfast!"

"Look out Lokum! Grah! My ankles are ruined! And both my lungs somehow! With my dying breath, I curse you, Vomit Vigilante!"

"Bomrek, no! I shall avenge you! Have at thee, you pestilent pestilence tosser!"

"Good luck I had that second lunch. The other stack's for you!"

"Ouwghag! Not the brain! The precious, precious brain! Krahwglglglglg..."

"Ah, my teeth are gritty and justice is served.  Methinks it a good time to make my escape.  Down the well, and away!"

[Duke 2.0]

 Quick! Get the Batmen!

[Jetman123]

Bwahahahahahaha!

[Reasonableman]

When everybody else read the name "Eagletubes," were you guys thinking about a submarine that fires giant eagles out of vertical missile launchers? Because I was.

[Sean Mirrsen]

"Fire forward gianteagle-tubes!"

[Dwarfaholic]

...


"Giant Eagle impact!"
"Enemy destroyed"

[Haven]

The Giant Eagle slams into an obstacle and blows apart!
The Giant Eagle has been struck down.

Actually, might it be possible that vomit from sun sickness made a useful projectile for the tantruming dwarf to vent on?

[Kagus]

Nope.  You need to have a backpack in order to pick up vomit, and you need something already in your hands so that when picked up, the vomit goes directly into the backpack.

Civvies lack most of these requirements.  And I don't think they consider vomit to be an item in any case, so it won't be considered.

[Haven]

Hm... A guard captain could have a backpack formerly dedicated to rations, and a weapon and shield... But I think I'm just reaching there. I want a vomit-throwing menace!

(Though, I've picked vomit up into hand for Adventure mode...)

[Kagus]

Have you actually?  Every time I try, it just disappears.  The only time that I actually get some vomit in stock is when it bypasses the hands and goes straight to the backpack.  From there, I can throw it.

[Krash]

Vomit vigilante?  Hurl Hurler?  Awesome