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[Kagus]

Well, I'm back.  Long story, cut short by something stupid going on with this damned laptop.  Yes, I just lost my entire post.  Bugger.

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Eddie managed to make it out of view of the towers before the rest of goblins could collect themselves enough to follow after him.  Eddie's escape was due mostly to a spontaneous election racce held by the surviving goblins, in order to determine who would lead them after the sudden death of the axemistress.  This unique form of goblin bureaucracy not only gave Eddie plenty of time to make his escape, it also killed or severely maimed most of the remaining goblins.

The trickle of blood that had come out from the former location of Eddie's shoulder had dried to a rather foul brownish-purple goo.  A none-too-bright fly had apparently been wading through the blood as it was setting up, and was now firmly stuck in the gunk.  It was buzzing erratically.

Eddie shambled his way across the dry plains, his shambling feet kicking up dirt and dead grass.  The sun was blazing with a glorious deep orange funeral pyre as the shadows of night snuck out of their hiding places to once again take command of the world.  He kept his head down as he went, thinking about the village he knew and loved, and the cool, dark grave he used to call his own.

A loud jangling noise caused him to look up from his ponderings.  Before him stood two bulky figures, their forms padded in random locations with scraps of metal, leather, and mud.  They stared at each other for a few moments, the only sounds being the panting of the two armored figures and the buzzing of the fly stuck in Eddie's armpit.

Finally, the larger of the two forms spoke up.
"Hold, zombie!  We're here to ki-...  Eh, re-kill you, for the safety and honor of our town!"

The smaller form piped up at this.
"Yeah!"

The larger, Theodore, gathered his breath and continued his speech.
"You may have evil strength from the underworld, but we have observed you, and armed with the knowledge we have gathered, we will crush your squishy flesh beneath our boot!   ...s."

"Yeah!"

"We have observed your tactical movements, your martial movements, and your bowel movements!  We have recorded your fighting abilities, and developed the perfect strategy to combat you with.  Through our intense studies, we have found your greatest secret...  Your ultimate weakness!"

"YEAH!"

The two forms then reached behind their ample girths and brought forth their equipment.  At first, Eddie assumed that there was a mix-up and that they had simply not been paying attention when doling out armaments.  Theodore elaborated a plan to the contrary, however.

"As you can see, my brother is currently holding eight different shields.  When we enter combat with you, scum, my brother will distract you with his well-protected body while I hack away at your rotting flesh!  what do you have to say to that, mindless abomination?"

In truth, Eddie did not have much of anything to say.  This did not prevent him from opening his mouth.

Gargling, Eddie slowly charged at the shielded brother, waving his one arm furiously.  The brother immediately raised his armor-plated arms and prepared for the assault.

Eddie, realizing full well that there was no chance of him breaking through that shield wall, simply crashed into the brother.  The already weight-challened Dietrik, now loaded up with armor, shields, and a supply of food that would last a smaller man for months, was powerless to do anything but keep his shields up while his body began to tilt backwards at an icnreasingly extreme angle.  Finally, gravity took hold of its favored follower and toppled him onto the grass, a cacophany of metallic clangs emanating from the prone form.

The zombie then turned his attention to the older brother, Theodore.  Teddo, having been able to prepare himself in the time it took Eddie to knock down his brother, swung heavily at Eddie with his only somewhat-rusty sword.  Unfortunately, Theodore was not the experienced and strong fighter he thought he was.  The attack he made was so slow even the decaying reactions of the zombie managed to dodge it completely, and Theodore managed to loosen his already tenuous grasp on balance.  He fell over, but was mature enough to do so without the aid of Eddie.

Eddie realized that he would never be entirely rid of these would-be zombie hunters unless he did something now.  Eddie hawked up a wad of sputum into his mouth, and then ran his now-coated tongue across his teeth.

With his chompers sufficiently coated, Eddie bit deep into the pudgy flesh of Theodore's stomach.  At this, Teddo shrieked with a mix of pain, fear, and indignation.  His arms were too short to do anything but watch in terror as Eddie sank his sputum-coated teeth into Teddo's fatty padding.

Having done what needed doing, Eddie wandered off.  His shadow jumping wildly at the shambling gait.


Behind him, Theodore rolled hastily over to his younger brother, presenting his injured midsection in all its flabby glory.

"He bit me!  He bit me with his filthy mouth!  Quick Ricky, you have to get the poison out of there before I die!"

Dietrik reluctantly rolled over and clamped his lips around the wound, sucking out what he thought must be poison and spitting onto the ground after each draw.

What Theodore didn't realize was that the phlegm had long since gotten into his veins and was making its way towards his brain.  What Dietrik didn't realize was that the gumline, particularly after insufficient dental hygiene, provided a direct route into the bloodstream.  Through their shared stupidity, they shared a similar fate at the hands of Eddie's sputum.

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Well, that's it for tonight.  After losing my work a couple times over due to inappropriately-placed browser navigation buttons, the update dragged on a bit longer than expected.  It's now quarter to midnight.  I'll update with the shocking continuation, and, ultimately, conclusion of Eddie's tale tomorrow.

Or maybe the day after.  Give or take a week.

[SHAD0Wdump]

Man after that lapse I thought this was over,good thing your back.

[Kagus]

I'm not ending this without saying goodbye.  Regardless of how long it goes until the next update.

Speaking of which, I've started work on the next update.  This will be the first time I've saved an incomplete update in a text folder... 

The reason I'm putting it off is because it's already after 12:30, and anything I cram out at this hour will be sub-par.  And I just can't do that to Eddie.

So, hopefully, I'll get myself to work a bit more on it tomorrow, when I'm fresh.  I hope that his ending will entertain...


Anyways, I think I'm going to have to scrap the future idea of the axe-wielding dwarf.  He was starting to get dangerously interesting.  For the next character, I'm just going to pick a race and a weapon.  That's it.  And no specialty weapons either, just something that can be taken from the startup skill list.  I'm getting too damned caught up with these characters, and that's hindered a lot of potential deaths so far.

[Dwarf Fanatic]

>.<. I had hoped they will turn into Zombies.

[Kagus]

Eddie decided that the world could keep its own damn brains if it wanted them so badly.  What good would they do him anyways?  The restorative powers of brain juice could patch up all the insignificant holes and abrasions that Eddie endured, could even keep his shambling form together for long after the time when his body would have deteriorated naturally.  But it could not re-grow the arm that he had lost, could not patch up so sudden and so severe a loss.

It was only an arm, true.  It did not greatly hinder his ability to do things, aside from fighting.  But what would more fighting lead to?  Eventually he would be worn down, his limbs removed one by one until only his head remained, rolling around like some haunted pumpkin before getting stepped on by some virtuous boot or another.  Brains would heal him, but in order to get them he had to subject himself to injury.  A dreadful cycle, and one which would, sooner or later, lead to his remains being piled onto a corpse heap and burned. 

He altered his course slighty, trudging through the dry grass illuminated by the evening sun.  No, he would not throw what remained of his unlife away simply in an attempt to extend it.  If his fate was to fall in battle, let his enemies come to him.  He had no reason to seek them out.

All he wanted was the tranquility and silence of the grave.  To crawl back into the dark earth and take a long dirt nap.  He made his way back to the village he used to call home so long ago, and to the little hole in that hillside cemetary where he intended to resume his interrupted eternal slumber. 

As he walked back towards Irneguki, Eddie thought about what he would do when he reached his destination.  After his rather bloody emergence and subsequent departure, he found it unlikely that the inhabitants would simply let him go back to the graveyard to sleep.  He would try to explain things to them, to try and clear his name.  But that would almost certainly not work, as the living hold grudges for a very long time.

They would attack him.  What would he do?  He doubted they would be able to match his abilities, and so their bodies would litter the field as he defended himself.  But what if he simply let them end him?  Do the twice-dead suffer a greater emptiness in the abyss than those who die for the first time?  Difficult questons, and ones that made Eddie's juice-deprived brain ache slightly.

But they were questions which would obviously be answered soon.  On the horizon lay Irneguki, houses sitting as they always had in the ages  before, when Eddie roamed its streets as a living man.  What had he been back then?  Some sort of wandering merchant.  Not that it was of much importance now.

Eddie stopped suddenly.  Before him lay Irneguki, but it seemed different somehow.  Not only different from when he had been alive, but different from when he had last left it.  He looked at the villagers as they went about their daily business, and saw that they moved somewhat slower than before...  Some limped and hobbled, others simply looked as though their legs were stiff and uncomfortable.

Eddie sniffed the air.  Death.  He remembered killing on his way out of Irneguki, but this was more death than he had caused, certainly.  And the townsfolk would never let the bodies sit out for so long, would they?

He shambled closer, and noticed that not a single guard patrolled the outskirts.  Bodies lined the streets, looking as though they had been savaged by wild animals. The smell of death was very strong, and the streets were muddied not with water, but with blood.

Curious, Eddie walked into the village, the villagers only glancing at him in passing.  He turned around, looking at the town that had once attacked him for being undead, for being a zombie.

And looked at all the zombies that now went about their work in Irneguki.

The entire town had been changed.  The villagers had either been eaten or infected, and the graveyard had let forth a tide of aging corpses from its earthy depths.  It would seem that Eddie had simply been an early riser.

He had been prepared for a raging mob, or perhaps even understanding and forgiveness.  But he had never expected acceptance quite like this.  He looked at the faces passing by, bite marks and rotten cheeks decorating them, bloodstained teeth flashing warm smiles at him as they passed.

And then Eddie saw her.  Relatively fresh, her skin was deathly pale and marred only by a few chunks missing from her neck.  As Eddie looked at her, she slowed her pace and smiled shyly at him.  Their eyes locked, Eddie's pond-scum green connecting with her glazed turqoise stare.

Home at last.

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The wedding of Edward Licopibo and Sophia Olubsana was presided over by Ilpi Birodumo, and was attended by almost the entire town.  Most of Eddie's relatives were in no state to attend a wedding, but most people felt they owed their zombie-ism to him, since it was his bite that caused the first infection in Irneguki.  Also attending were the remains of Theodore and Dietrik, who had spent the early moments of their infection eating each others entrails.  As such, they had not only lost a significant amount of weight, but they also had large chest cavities in which some of the younger members attending the wedding would hide in and be carried around by the brothers.

The pre-ceremony festivities were as lively as any group of undead could possibly get, and spirits were high as they were called to silence and their seats.  Eddie, wearing a one-armed suit that had been specially made for him, stood with a radiant Sophia as Ilpi prepared himself.  A hush fell over the assembled crowd as Ilpi began to speak.

"Dearly departed, we are gathered here today to witness the joining of Edward Licopibo and Sophia Olubsana in unholy matrimony.  If any of you know a reason why these two should not be joined, moan now or forever hold your pieces."

The congregation stayed silent as Ilpi continued the ceremony, but their gurgled cheers and disturbingly slimy applause were quite loud when the newlydeads kissed and made their way through the crowd.  Cake that had bloomed with mold was served along with wine that had long since turned to vinegar.  Teddo and Ricky carried the zombified children about in their expansive guts, squeals of joy coming from within their fleshy folds.  As the chaos of a rowdy party howled around them, Eddie embraced Sophia tightly and gazed into her eyes.

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Well, that about does it for Eddie.  I hope he entertained, and I hope I managed to pull off that ending properly.

So, that'll be the end of the fancy characters.  Time to move on to someone where I don't feel so inclined to give them a "proper burial".  Maybe it's time we had a goblin enter the fray...


G'day, all.

[Strife26]

With a Warhammer.

Who's half-carp.

Just out of curiosity, what was the special aspect of the dwarf you rejected?

[Kagus]

He'd wear a bone mask and take orders from a rat that he'd keep with him at all times.


Okay, I've installed the newest version of DF, and now it's time for Bale Bestixem to join the fray.  He brings his skill with axes and heavy armor, along with a fierce temperment and a seething desire to shed blood.

He is a human, born into the northern lands of Lema Thitathi, a rugged landscape bordering the mountains of Tad Stulul, which is inhabited by the goblins who swear fealty to the local humans.  He is a follower of Thran Moistnesswebbed, who holds domain over plants, animals, dusk and rain.


Shall he:
A) Patrol the landscape, fighting wild beasts?
B) Seek out and cleanse the caves that litter the area.
C) Take a quest from the humans.
D) Take a quest from the goblins.
E) Head south along the roads.

Secondary choices:
1) Recruit human followers.
2) Recruit goblin followers.
3) Don't recruit followers.

[Neoskel]

B and no recruiting.

[Sean Mirrsen]

I'd say E then A and B. Don't seek recruits, recruit only if you bump into one.

[Kagus]

Okeey...  Think I'm gonna go easy on the votes 'til there are more voters.

B is the agreed choice.

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Bale, warrior of the harshlands, stood among the hilly landscape of Lema Thitathi.  He wore the iron armor of a novice, not yet having proven himself for the bronze plated mail of the greater warriors.

He hefted his axe, a lesser version of the champion halberd, and ventured towards the cave entrance.  He would earn his armor with the massed skulls of his conquered enemies, and he would drink an ocean of blood to rival the waters of Thomo Tar, the great eastern sea.

The cave was a damp, earthy hole that provided shelter for the rejects of Thran's wild domain.  The exiles of the upper world, banished to a life of cowardice and muck.  He would let their corpses writhe with the maggots they worshiped as he struck them down by the hundreds.

A ratbeast, deformed rodent-man whose physical stature was a mockery of the proud humans that tread the grassy ground above, came screeching out of the darkness towards Bale.  With perfect ease, he opened up the creature's abdomen, that the gods might see and laugh at the pathetic squirming mass of entrails. 

A second ratbeast came at Bale, who sidestepped the fiend's clumsy attack and then hacked off its arm.  The limb flailed its way through the dark air, trailing a streamer of bloody rain behind it as its former owner clutched at the bloody stump and howled in anguish.  Bale ended its torment by cleaving the beast in twain, the halves falling away from each other to land on the moist earthen floor.

The third creature's neck made a sickening *thrunch* as Bale's iron novice's axe shattered the vertebrae and separated the head from its shoulders.

Squeals of fear came fromthe dark recesses, and Bale smiled grimly.  He would have to hunt the creatures down, and remove the stench of their petty existence from the world.


Bale Bestixem charged through the murky corridors, his voice howling with rage at the continued life flowing through ratbeast veins.  He tore into them wherever they could be found, spilling the muck that called itself blood from their tainted arteries onto the ground, taking them apart piece by piece so that they no longer held so abominable a shape.  When at last he stopped to breathe, there were no more squeals issuing from the subterranean warren.

He gathered what few measly trinkets they had stolen from the overland, and made his way back to the entrance.  The morning sun still shone brightly in the sky, clearly illuminating the path to glory.

[Kagus]

The trinkets were of little worth, but were plentiful enough to provide Bale with a new axe made of bronze.  One of the large-bladed axes that had recently come up from the south, wielded with two hands by the lesser folk from those areas.  It was not a traditional halberd as the ancestral warriors used, but it would serve him well enough.

A new weapon from the sacred metal would serve him well, but more blood must be shed in order to make clear his path to the ancestral armors. 

The next cave he entered was full of gremlins.  Hideous little devils, but they were more proficient in their thievery than the other outcasts.  A treasure trove of pilfered goods availed itself to Bale, along with the severed left hand of a gremlin, a trophy said to bring luck to whoever managed to take it from its former owner.

Bale was able to purchase some scraps of armor with the wealth earned by selling the trinkets, but it was nothing compared to what he had hoped for.  It was then that Bale realized that the caves would be purged dry before he managed to get enough of the armor to please him.  It was to the southlands he would go, raiding the weaker peoples for their belongings.  It was not stealing in any true sense, for all the world had been rightfully awarded to his people by great Thran, when the world was newly forged.

But even the weak can prove formidable in great enough numbers.  And so Bale took on Conu Ogcani, a whelp who would seek his own strength at the side of Bale.

[Kagus]

Dwarves...  Filthy runts with a penchant for shiny objects, they kept great wealth hidden away in their mountain fortresses.  A perfect target, or so it had seemed.

Bale clattered through the halls that now rang with alarms as the dwarven forces were alerted to Bale's brutal presence.  He had already slain one of the guards, and had taken with him the precious steel armor.  His greed caused him to take all of the guard's armor, a weight that proved rather heavier than might be supposed.


The two raiders charged for the entrance as the sounds of approaching warriors echoed up the hallway towards them.  Outside, they found an empty courtyard, freedom just beyond its walls.  Bale started forwards, but Conu gave a yell and ran in a different direction.  Looking to where Conu had gone, Bale saw his traveling companion lifted into the air by the steel warhammer of a dwarven hammerman.  Conu's ribcage buckled in on itself from the force of the blow, and he met his end as a shattered corpse on the smooth steps leading out of the sunken courtyard.

Thinking to deal with the bearded transgressor, Bale charged at the dwarf with his axe held high.


Had he thought to drop the steel gear he had bundled atop his shoulders, he may have survived the encounter.  As it was, his legs were crushed from underneath him, and his entrails were strewn across the stone as the warhammer came down upon his prone form.  His pride, his greed, and his bigotry all contributed to his death.  His blood would stain the dwarven stronghold for years to come, and his memory would stain their minds for decades after.


Such was the way of the wild followers of Thran.

[Kagus]

Gagu Oblergorbe had always been regarded as a little odd by the other hunters...  He wore bright clothes, normally green but often with an orange undershirt or leggings in order to provide contrast.

He would also prance about like small child, and would assume peculiar poses whenever he shot from his bow.  He even spouted nonsense phrases and hummed tuneless songs from time to time.

But all the hunters knew that there was not a single man who could fire an arrow with quite as much precision and power.  Gagu, it appeared, was a deadly fool.

His bow had been restrung with the string from a bard's lute in order to make the twang louder.  Where he acquired such a thing is unknown, but it is presumed that he simply shot some wandering minstrel in order to pilfer that single string.  Such a thing would not raise many heads if it were mentioned in the same breath as Gagu's name.

There were many rumors surrounding Gagu, loudest of which was that he was part elf.  He exhibited the carefree lifestyle, the everyday prancing and singing, and the master bowmanship of an elf, along with the stature and appearance of a human.  Not to mention the utter disregard for life both races seemed to foster.

It was possible, certainly.  For had not king what's-his-beard conquered the elven settlements and introduced them to his culture?  Perhaps some fair lass had decided to introduce a strapping elven lad to her own "culture" some warm summer night.


So when Gagu set off to become a valiant adventurer, no one was particularly surprised.  Some merely saw it as another peculiarity of the young man.  Others saw it as proof of elven wanderlust, while others still insisted it was an example of human ambition.  Many arguments and philosophical discussions were held over flagons of ale after Gagu's departure, most of which found no conclusion other than the participants all happily cuddled together on the tavern floor.


And so began the unusual tale of Gagu Oblergorbe "Rabbitshade".  Exceptional archer, superior twit.



EDIT:  Just realized I got the name wrong.  It's "Gagu", not "Goge".  No idea where I got that from.

[RavingManiac]

Um...

Screenshots?

[Jools]

Hehehehehehehe. Sudden death at the hands of a seemingly run-of-the-mill opponent is a nice unexpected twist.

And I like the the new twit with a bow. Any relation to the Robin Hood character from Shrek?