14th, Felsite, Late Spring, 1059:
Jaina, Boucher, Skipper and the gang are carrying the last bundles of wood aboard the ship. Beardless Bob is overseeing the construction on the deck, Kalen still unable to grasp what exactly they are working on.
"I don't understand." Kalen states, standing next to Bob as Jaina begins to peel back some of the aft deck planks. "Why aren't we building an aqueduct?"
"Don't need one, cap." Bob is twirling his bag of gunpowder in his hand as he watches the construction, concerned about the Captains reaction when he finally tells her what the plan will be. He's learned much from Skipper and the gulls, though most of his biological studies were learned in the past two days under the tutelage of The Professor, who once served as an altar boy in the temple of Blight. He certainly knows a thing or two about dwarven waste.
Boucher walks up on the deck with the galley waste bucket in her hands, a wet rag soaked with grog wrapped tight around her nose and mouth. Her disgust is visible as she brings the churning yellow bucket to the deck and sets it down near Jaina while she sets the final touches up on the bizzare contraption.
Tubes of leather and microcline gears bristle out of the oaken frame copper shields mounted underneath as some kind of makeshift pan, a kaolinite handle jutting out the side.
"What the hell is that, then?" Kalen asks, furious, as Boucher sets her disgusting package on the deck.
"Piss, cap," Bob responds, twirling his charm.
"You're fucking kidding me. Toss it overboard!" Boucher hesitates, looking at Bob, before reaching to lift it.
"Wait, stop." Bob asks, turning to the captain. Kalen swiftly strikes him in the ear, drawing her sword and heading to Boucher. "I am your Captain and you follow MY orders, not his. Now toss that overboard!"
Bob intervenes, setting himself between Kalens sword tip and Boucher. "Just wait, captain. Hear me out." His ear is stinging from the blow, but he knew it was coming.
"You've worked the still before, cap, brewing plump helmets?"
Kalen glares her eye at him, staring down her sword, not lowering an inch, "Aye." She waits.
"This is a still. For piss. Turn it into water." Kalen laughs, looking at the confusing nest of bolts and tubes and pans and spikes. She laughs, but lowers her sword a little. She's given them so much leeway in the past few days she is running the risk of losing authority, but if she backs down now, she'll make a fool of herself and then be forced to make yet another landing. If she lets them have their fun and try and drink their own piss, Professor will die, probably Horatio too, but it'll be on Bob's head, not hers, and the plank has yet to walk a mate.
"Alright, but I 'aint touching that nasty shite." Kalen responds, sheathing her sword.
Jaina grabs the rag from Boucher and ties it around her face. She has no hope for success in this venture but badly wants to get it overwith so they can embark, no matter how many people die.
"Okay Jaina, careful now, pour it in right there," Bob instructs, pointing at a makeshift trough constructed of narrow copper greaves liberated from minced kobold corpses.
Bob holds his breath, clenching his powder tight. He runs through the equations in his head again. It's got to work. It HAS to work!
Jaina carefully pours the disgusting contents into the still, never spilling a drop as Kalen's watchful eye glares at her from the railing on the stairs up to her room.
Setting down the waste container, she carefully follows The Professors instructions, adjusting the tubes, and begins to crank slowly at the rotten contraption. The suns rays reflect off a steel shield hanging from the royal sail rigging, shining down on the piss, setting off an awful reek. Bob looks on, unaware of the stench, the insides of his nose long since singed to olfactory oblivion.
Suddenly, out of the end nozzle leading into the ship's cistern, comes a single drop of piss ... no, no, not piss, Bob notes, elated, something clear. Crystal clear. Beautiful clear water. "Pump faster, Jaina!" He exclaims, getting excited.
Jaina pumps faster, a flow of clear beautiful water pouring out of the nozzle. The vile piss is boiling and steaming, collecting on the carp leather tarp and dripping into the various nozzles and hoses, pumping through the gravel filters and out the end into the well.
"Keep going Jaina!" Bob leans over the well, peering inside. His face is split from ear to ear with a grin. The well is nearly full ... almost ... there, just there. "Okay Jaina!"
BLAMMO
Sigurd is below decks when he hears the explosion. He grabs his axe and heads to the deck, following the sound of the captains vitriolic cursing. When he emerges, he is welcome to an odd sight. Kalen is standing near her quarters, covering her nose and waving her sword around, cursing at everything she can set her eye on. Jaina is retching over the railing into the ocean, and Bob ... Bob is laughing. He's covered from head to toe in some disgusting liquid that begins to send tendrils of noxious scent up Sigurd's nose.
"What smell funny?" The lumbering dwarf asks, his eyes watering at the stench as he moves up the deck. Bob is still laughing, never moving to clean himself.
"You stupid son of an elf!" Kalen shouts down, covering her nose as she descends the steps. "You've ruined my ship, you idiot! And we're still fish out of wa--"
Bob is hauling up the chain to the well, bring up a bucket, still chuckling. "Hold it cap," he says, bringing out the bucket. He presents it to her, clear liquid in his hands.
"Get that shit away from me you disgusting worthless mongrel!"
Bob, sensing she was very near her breaking point, decides to end the confrontation. He quickly brings the bucket to his lips, and takes a big, long, drink. Jaina looks up from the rail, see's Bob, and immediately goes back to retching.
"Ahhhh," Bob sighs, setting down the empty bucket and patting his stomach. "A tad warm, but fresh!" He wipes his mouth and offers Kalen to take a look. She walks over, tip toeing over the puddles of urine surrounding the well, and peers down inside.
"Well I'll be a shark's fin ..." Kalen sticks her head down the well and takes a whiff. Smells like cedar chips and water.
She pulls her head out and turns to beaming Beardless Bob, immediately planting a solid right hook into his hairless scarred jaw. He drops to the deck, stunned, falling in a puddle with a splat.
"WELL DONE!" Kalen says, standing over him. "While you're down there, you can celebrate by CLEANING ALL THIS PISS OFF MY FUCKING SHIP!" Kalen tosses a rag down on Bob's face, storming off.
Skipper pokes his head out the door to the captains chambers, his nose crinkling, he quickly decides better of it and ducks back inside.
Duncana runs up to the deck and sees the tragedy and her heart sinks. The Professors plan failed ...
She walks over to the well and is shocked to see the beautiful crystal water sloshing inside. "YOU DID IT!" Bob, laying on the deck clutching his jaw, covered in piss, offers up a weak smile. Duncana, ignoring his disgusting urine covered face, leans down and plants a kiss on his cheek before hoisting a bucket to bring to The Professor, Jaina grabbing one for Horatio.
* * * *
"It worked though, cap!" Skipper says, elated, quickly closing the door behind her. Kalen had not stopped cursing every step of the way back to her quarters.
"Aye, right it did, but look at my ship! Smell my ship!" She grumbles, pacing back and forth.
"But cap, we can leave now! We can finally lift anchor and get away! Surely the villagers have launched a party to get revenge for the traders we dropped in the ocean by now, we'd better leave before they show up."
"Aye, you're right Skipper, let's be off then. Tell the dwarves to up anchor" Kalen looks at the swordfish skull mounted on her wall, a gift from Fishgut Led. "Tell Fishgut to join me in my quarters, I'd like to have him tell me 'bout how he bested this beast. Oh, and, make yourself scarce for a while, sleep in the galley if you don't hear from me by nightfall."
"Aye ... cap ... ?" Skipper says, confused, setting out the door.
Skipper steps out on deck, closing the door, put off by the scenario. He's to go hop around the deck covered in piss while that lug Fishgut gets to share time with the Captain?
Skipper organizes the crew and has Sigurd lift the chain to the massive anchor, Jaina pulling up the gang plank as Skipper mans the wheel. Fishgut Led walks by, heading to the mast to undo the main lines, but Skipper stops him.
"Captain wants to see you, Led. Don't be too long, we need you out here!" Skipper lies as Fishgut turns up to the Captains quarters. Skipper cranks the wheel angrily, looking over his shoulder as Fishgut knocked on the captains door, disappearing inside.
Kalen closes the door behind him.
"So then, Led, tell me about your battle with the swordfish ..."
[ March 09, 2008: Message edited by: valcon ]
Author
Topic: Pirates of the Fondled Waters (Community Pirate Ship) (Read 72366 times)