Not really. It is very complicated. I have never had difficulty in accepting reality and always sought what is real over what is correct. I have admitted to myself since... I guess 7 years now? It is one of the advantages of being neurodivergent. Everything is flat. Neat and square. Evenly cubed. Things, are. Sure, I am the quintessential cloudcuckoolander, but is the evenly shaped cubes in my head which are in chaos. Or are chaos elementals themselves. Not me. You get it.
I very much do understand what you mean Magma. Although for me, I order my thoughts (and memories) whilst am unable to order the world around me, so I'm in the negative of your place buddy. A piece of (paraphrased Ruskie) advice that helps me cope with life is that life is like an old hand pump. You have to sacrifice your own water to prime the pump, then have the faith to sacrifice your own energy to work the handle in the hope water will come out. Another priceless piece of advice is that You should never compare yourself to others, for someone else a triumph may be climbing a Mountain whilst for someone like you or I a triumph can be just making it into the supermarket, it doesn't lessen either.
I envision my mind like an old Kilo Class Sub, with the watertight doors and all. I lack a mind's eye (aka imagination) but I can still attempt to close off doors where thoughts I dislike are surging from. Holding/manipulating a zippo helps me. Have you a similar storage in your mind for if you can place a door on your mental cube storage you may be able to mentally brace yourself. Don't get me wrong, even with me having had these watertight mental doors since about 14 thoughts still leak, but it's better than getting swept away.
It is kinda fucked up to be suicidal since 4th grade. But what can you do? It isn't an unique case. My particular neurotype is by and large suicidal.The higher suicide risk brought on by the social and emotional aspects of autism, and the peculiar way it compounds with possessing higher than average IQ makes me a rather high risk individual. It isn't exactly surprising, is what I am getting at. It can even be called mundane.
No, I am not bragging. I naturally excel at pattern seeking and reasoning tasks. Which is what IQ is a measure of. This is a widely shared sentiment on me. Besides, it is of little help here. I didn't reason myself into this spiritual tar pit. I can't pull myself out with it. Pretentiously running diagnostics on myself is not going to magically unfuck my mental health.
I know it is buddy, but your biochemistry isn't your fault, it's the .rand function of genetics. Sadly, the correlation between IQ and Suicidal impulses is correct. I try to enjoy (as much as possible) being a slightly above average IQ & high EQ person, for the glimpses behind the curtain that having intelligence provides is a mixed blessing. Try to embrace your gift, for the last half of my life, I hated my gift of intelligence. From believing that if I smash my own head long enough on a brick wall, I'll be like my classmates (at age 13), to observing the patterns people move in at a gig with the analogy of a snake charmer ringing in my head (27).
Life is C*nt at the best of times Magma, but sometimes following the processes in your mind can be beneficial. As I age (poorly) I've been following more and more of the negative thoughts in my mind. Just like a ball of yarn it never fails to amaze me where my differences originate. Lack of Understanding is what creates Fear, for someone that knows how a Nuclear Reactor works will never protest 'em. The same is valid on a fractal scale. If you feel semi-stable, one time dip your toes in the water and follow your thought back to it's root.
i.e. I get out of my car at the supermarket and (with hand on my car door, keys in the other) panic.exe runs, then I race the 20 minute drive back home in half the time. Following my thoughts back, it's the observation of a "critical mass" of people at the supermarket (leaving) that makes me freeze. Even just 4 people. Well, what's scary about a throng of people? My thoughts compile around others, with thoughts like "I'm nothing but a dirty stinking good for nothing fucking POME, just like my fucking father. Therefore why would the mass tolerate me. Shit, are they going to want to talk to me? Damn, what am I going to say. I've never belonged, therefore can never belong. Who wants a 6'3" unemployed, bearded, Foundryman around them? Terror attacks can be calculated as a log of people present at a location, with he risk exponentially increasing as people are added. Is good day to brisk of an opening of they start talking to me?" etc. you can see my (rough) thought processes. Now to follow 'em back.
"Nothing but a dirty stinking good for nothing..." This thought wacks me like a hammer on an anvil every few minutes with it seeming like an entire thread in my head is devoted to this process. Well, executing a thorough search through my memories reveals my waste-of-space step-father said that phrase more to my than any other. Time to psychoanalyze my stepfather's actions in my memory (despite not having seen the prick in 3 years since I struck his head repeatedly with a closed fist) and figure out his goal with such bullshit. Well, he desired to ensure no one "challenged" his authority. A challenge was eye contact etc. More of his actions lend credit to the intention that he liked tearing others down, so they had to lean on him and therefore giving him power.
I am running on fumes, really. I can't even do anything. It is like being paralysed. Or learned helplessness? Maybe I am just a wimp who can't handle shit. Anyhow, this situation obviously requires at least two people to fix it. It isn't going to just go away. And I can't fix it on my own...
It's definitely time for you to ask someone professional for help buddy. It truly sounds like you need a hand up, life doesn't have to be as tough as it can get buddy. As someone who has been in your same spot, believing that there was a stigma over a diagnosis, over needing meds, of being a damaged person believe me when I say you ain't a wimp man (or ma'am). A wimp would have rolled over in bed and said "ahh, fuck it" and given up on living their life, you dipped your toes on the forum which takes balls of steel. You're far from a wimp. Sadly I can testify that it's easier to deal with molten metal (hotter than Magma
) than Mental Health, but as us Foundrymen put it "We don't do this job because it's easy. We do it because it's hard." Make your job being a better Man (or Woman) tomorrow than you were yesterday, and carry your head high, for you've walked through a battlefield most don't realize exists (the Mind) and you've survived which not all have.
I hope somewhere in my (undiagnosed) 'tism fueled ramblings is a diamond that helps you Magma. But know you're not alone. If you ever need me, don't ever hesitate to contact me. I'd prefer a 3am message with you having a panic attack from the chaos elemental boxes choosing to jump out of your mind's cubbies than to learn in a decade that you gave up. Never leave words unsaid, opportunities untaken and cats abandoned, for those 3 are sure to lead to regrets. You'll make it Magma, I have faith in you.
Edit: The change in utilization and look on the Intelligence/Emotions gifted to me was in no way effortless. But it has given me some !!Happiness!! along with !!Comfort!! but it is still far from perfect. Life is hard, yet escapes too fast so treasure it. Loneliness still eats me alive and the difference between me and others keeps me from meaningful connections. The thought occurred to me driving home after managing my supermarket shop that I had better tell you to find some way to use your gifts mentally and forgive yourself for your faults. The last 3 years of working at a Foundry, an industry dying in NZ and the west, has revealed to me many things like that what separates me from others isn't a weakness, but a dull blade that needs sharpening or how we are all a piece of the puzzle of life, unimportant in the small view, yet our world view and the knowledge gained over our life are a piece of the future picture, that without all of us the future is like a jigsaw without anything on 'em. With large shortages of younger workers over generations, the current foundry industry (like many others) has forgotten more that ever over thousands of years. Don't force the future to adapt without your input. Devote yourself into something that uses your mental energy to distract yourself from that which burdens you down, i.e. researching and understanding the stock market in every manor as I have been alongside researching and understanding the art of Molten Metals. Crunching why people would put a Synthetic Covered Call EFT as "Safe" given the downsides and limited positives (in my analytical view and limited understanding) has helped me handle the loss of the best job I have ever had. Stay away from dangerous knowledge or taking blind faith in sciences as they evolve with some studies being downright fraudulent which may hurt. You'll be alright Magma, just enjoy what happens and take life one second at a time. Don't hold yourself to long term plans or put yourself down as others will do that enough for both of you.
A failure for me was last night, my final day at work. Went to a gig I booked at the last minute. I couldn't forget the example of my reason for getting laid off on display 500m away, which was rail-cars and locomotives getting unloaded off a ship from overseas. Drinking didn't help, overcoming my anxiety didn't help, smoking didn't help, thc didn't help. In the end (for the second time in my life) I left a gig early and am worrying I offended a musician I respect. But C'est la vie. I just have to crunch the pros & cons and weighted potential of both on messaging his social media profile an apology.
"The best way to reinforce your knowledge is to teach someone else"
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Topic: The ''Giving Advice for Magmacube's Mental Health'' Thread (Read 5466 times)