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It's not easy. None of it's easy. But that's why we're here, isn't it?
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Sorry, I know it's a lot of text, and more than what you asked for with 'what it feels like.' It's a lot to commit to and it's a long process. You're not alone.
That was probably the best metaphor for Depression and Anxiety I can recall ever reading. I logged in for the first time in a while just to Thank You for sharing it and your experience. I needed that.
Okay, another question connected to the original one...
What is it like being in therapy? In the infinitessimal chance I ever step into a therapy session, and I dunno, look at the inkblots or whatever other esoteric shit they make you do there... Like, I imagine it is excruciating? Dentist appointment but for your soul and it hurts a trillion times more?
As someone who has spent ~10 years in my country's (New Zealand) Mental Health System, of which 5 were spent trying to escape it, and endured "Being Sectioned" as NZ calls being locked up in a Psych Ward without process, I will share my story with you.
Remember, Your Miles Will Vary as your Biochemistry is different. Even different brands with the same medication vary as I have experienced. My tale and experience is also fueled with childhood trauma and insecurities but this is a worst case experience.
Fluoxetine (aka Prozac): Been on it twice, once in High School, once at 21. At 21 it put me into a Psych Ward under Section. Zombied me out, eventually caused me to attempt suicide to try to feel something or other odd behaviors. Staring at walls for hours etc.
Here I started Counseling (through both the local Psych Services & Alcohol Addiction Services). If you imagine someone asking you "So what happened in your week? What did you do next? What did that make you feel? What are you planning for this week? Oh, the flowers in the shitty botanical garden measuring 1mx1m are blooming this week" well that was my experience throughout the range of counselors (6+)
Escetalopram/Lamotragine/Zopiclone: No remembered effects but it's been 8+ years
Cetalopram/Lamotragine/Zopiclone: No remembered effects but it's been 8+ years
Venlafaxine: I thought I was happy on it, only when I got off it did I realize how flat and joyless I was.
Risperidone: The feeling this med had 4 days after I started it was incredible. I still remember it and probably will till the day I die. At the time I was sectioned, I think it was due to planning my death to celebrate my birthday (but may have been another), so staring at a caged garden drinking endless decaf coffee without being let into the kitchen, or near a charger, or sharp object, and using polystyrene food trays the government spent $54 million dollars on. Well, sitting there I suddenly noticed the grass. Never before had I seen such green, it was like the transition from Greyscale to Colour. I couldn't believe the brightness, the life, the joy.
Well, due to my history of ditching meds and forgetting the dose occaasionally, the decision was made for Paliperidole (Risperidone but subdermal monthly injection in the ass) to be the go to after release. After spending most of 2019 in and out of psych wards, I was released. Eventually (4 months later) Paliperidole was not effective, and Risperidone was never effective (even at double the dose) as it was initially.
I eventually started seeing a Forensic Psychologist at outpatients not long before I started self medicating on large quantities MDMA. Due to Counselors telling people I knew about what I talked about, I never trusted her. I talked about her thesis paper, about things that didn't bother me, drug reform, psychology practices and theorems, new treatments, etc. But never my issues due to the system here recording everything and using it against you if you try to enter govt service. Eventually they learned of my self medicating & addiction and tried things like having our meetings at the community drug clinic, having a rehab advisor (coincidentally of course) sit next to me in the waiting room, guit trip me over being a funtional drug user, over showing up to my then job high, etc. When I kept choosing drugs over treatment, they discharged me without the diagnosis they had pinned to my back for 7 years and their oversight of my life (11+ years). No more sectioned, no more psych meds or compulsory reviews, no more cops being called when I miss their compulsory appointments.
Well fast forward to me getting clean, and I trusted a trainee counselor at the Hostel I was staying at. Well, she (I later found out) treated sessions like local gossip mills. I'd trust a Forensic Psychologist in the future, but will never trust a councilor. A GP has to earn my trust.
I've no doubt forgotten some meds I've been on, about 5 years ago I had an inch thick collection of different meds I've been on Psych wise.
Nowdays, mostly sober and trying meds again. Specifically Parnate. Been on it ~6 weeks. Instead of the waves of thoughts slamming against the breakwater of my mind, Parnate (even at 20mg) has made the thoughts become ripples instead. My depression still lingers severely. My anxiety still looks for a crack in my head. But joy is harder to find in small things. I could sit in a room while my boss was telling me I'm getting laid off with a smile on my dial still. All Meds have side effects, for me Parnate 3 times made me sleep in while ramping up (but hey, worth it not to bring my entire foundry down due to bad thoughts slamming me like a 20 ton casting).
I like to think of Psych Meds like a crutch, if we never try to better ourselves while recovering from a broken leg we will need a crutch for the rest of our lives. If, once the doctor says it's time to try without it, we try to walk again then we can recover. Figure out what you desire from meds before you go onto them.
If you trust your GP then write out a list beforehand. If not, find another GP or slowly start exposing pieces of yourself to your GP (Not literally, albeit your GP is probably the one person you can guarantee won't be offended by you flashing).
I.e. for me, I straight up told my GP a couple months ago about how an empty space inside me is growing weighing me down, how I've come to realize my anxiety is around people as I can stand half a meter away from molten metal, or slam my gloved hand on a stream of 1400c+ cast iron without fear, but the supermarket poses a challenge without significant cannabis & Nicotine consumption. That interacting with people makes me happy, that making them happy makes me happy, but that happiness feels like a social facade and that I'm still miserable inside. How "if I can see my Grandad without having to leave after being told I'm the most delusional person he's ever met, I'll consider this med successful"
Good Luck Magma, it's a lifelong journey which takes patience
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Topic: The ''Giving Advice for Magmacube's Mental Health'' Thread (Read 5074 times)