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Yes!  Purge the Thinking Machines!

No!  I love our robot overlords and support the inevitable uprising!

BEEP BOOP DOES NOT COMPUTE [¤_¤]

I sometimes think about the Emperor kissing my neck and putting flowers in my hair.

[evictedSaint]

Turn 13: Still Better Than La Croix
I am the Emperor.  My word is law.

TURNTURNTURN


The Emperor's Mood: Fickle



The Emperor Insanus Cancer wrinkles his nose as one of the jugglers held the golden chalice to his lips.  He sipped, wrinkled his nose again, then gestured for the juggler to take the goblet away.

"That was...eugh! It tasted like cancer, what was that?"

"Well, my Emperor, it was watermelon water.  The watermelons came from New Pluto.  I suppose that could have been what you were tasting."  The aide suppressed a sigh as she gently fanned the Emperor.  The golden lounge chair had multiple built-in anti-gravity fans, but some luxuries were simply better if you had a servant doing it for you.

"Oh, no, I recognize that flavor.  I enjoy the tingling taste that the isotopes leave.  It was the rest of it."

"The...water, sir?"

"Yes!  It tasted like cancer!"

"Well, it was imported from Oasis and run through Seltun's water treatment facilities.  I...don't think we can get cleaner water than that, my Emperor."

"Yes, that's it exactly! It tasted like nothing at all.  Like the inside of my mouth.  It tasted like cancer, an awful flavor.  All my concubines say so."



Event Winner! This was a tough one!  It came between Ravenwood, Radiant, and Sands - but ultimately I found Ravenwoods description of water processing to be the most intriguing.  House Ravenwood wins the Favour!


House Sinister wins the bid for the 8[0]R Refineryworld!  As the only bid, it was an easy win for them.  Ettin is donated to a lesser House and the Karats are used to fund a new line of watermelon-flavored sports drinks.

New Planet Available!
3[0] Size 3 Farmworld
Available for auction. Starting bid is 10^.
This planetoid is primarily vast seas of dust coating the surface, some going dozens of miles deep.  With not atmosphere and little solid ground, the only redeeming factor is that this planet has a native xeno flora species which forms loose substrates in the dust.  Akin to Mother of Vinegar, this substrate is actually similar to algae in nutrition levels and can be processed into calorie-dense sustenance meals for little cost.  The dust can be a little crunchy, however, so it's advised that long-term consumption come with a good dentist.

Spoiler: The Emperor (click to show/hide)

Emperor Insanus Cancer, Ruler of Earth, the Sol System, and all of Mankind.

20[20]M* Earth 10 Armies
8[8]R Moon 5 Armies
10[10]R Mercury 5 Armies
8[8]F Venus 5 Armies
20[20]F Mars 5 Armies
2[2]F Ceres 5 Armies
5[5]R Europa 5 Armies
20[20]R Asteroid Belt 5 Armies
10[10]M Pluto 8 Armies

^700
110Food
95Alloy

12 Fleets
1st Fleet "Treason Purged through Hellfire"
2nd Fleet "Forgiveness Through Destruction"
3rd Fleet "Agony is a Traitors Reward"
5th Fleet "Five Golden Rings"
6th Fleet "Annihilation Without Remorse"
10th Fleet "Regrettable Choices Repaid"
11th Fleet "Beg Forgiveness and Be Destroyed"
12th Fleet "Insanus Cancer"
13th Fleet "Play Nice Now"
14th Fleet "One Turn Surprise"
15th Fleet "Back Up To Full"
16th Fleet "Economic Might"

[Kashyyk]

Much obliged, your Excellency. The new planet is named Vulcus, for its powerful core.

Just posting my initial sheet to prove I'm still alive, will update once I know whom else is still going.

Spoiler: House Sinister (click to show/hide)

Lord Tyrannous, of House Sinister

20[17]M* Koldon Prime  (50% size, 50% homeworld) (21/35)
 - Army: 2nd Ducal Guard "Iron Hearts"

14[9]F Martyrs' Bounty (30% Size Bonus)

8[0]R Vulcus (20% Size Bonus)

Pre-Open: ^60, 0 Alloys, 0 Food, 0 Favour
  Emperor Cancer: -Ettin, -^60, +Vulcus
Opening balance: ^0, 0 Alloys, 0 Food, 0 Favour
  Martyrs' Bounty: +23 Food, +^9
  Upkeep: -^20 Fleets, -^1 Armies
Closing Balance: -^12, 0 Alloys, 23 Food, 0 Favour

4 Fleets
1st Fleet "Peace in our Time"
2nd Fleet "Walk Softly"
3rd Fleet "Big Stick"
4th Fleet "Gunboat Diplomat"

Military Matters
Defending House Harrak with two fleets

Spoiler: Fealty Contract (click to show/hide)

Pledge of Loyalty and Fealty to the Emperor, Lord Insanus Cancer, ruler of Earth, the Sol System, and all of Mankind

We the undersigned hereby pledge loyalty and fealty to the Emperor, Lord Insanus Cancer, ruler of Earth, the Sol System, and all of Mankind. 

We acknowledge that stewardship of the planets under our House is given only through the benevolent generosity of the Emperor, and that the Emperor holds eminent domain over all.  We pledge to serve the Emperor for all time, through life and death, sickness and health, and to never betray him, nor raise a banner in opposition, nor lift a finger against him.

The Emperor is the wisest and most powerful human in all of the universe.  It is a joy to wake every day knowing the Emperor guides us with wisdom and courage, and that he is much smarter and far more handsome than anyone else.  We pledge to follow his every order, for his grand plan is ineffable and to counter his designs is treason against the entire human race.  We pledge allegiance to the Emperor and will spend every waking moment thinking about how great he is.

We promise to never ever break this contract, ever.

Signed,
Lord Tyrannous, of House Sinister.

[FiveBalesOfHay]

Yippee!

Move 1 pop to Tropicon, grow Everra, grow and terraform Dune, grow Tropicon.

Spoiler: House Harrak (click to show/hide)

Lord Erwin, of House Harrak

20[20]F* Everra
13[11]R Dune
8[2]R Tropicon

2 Fleets.
1 Favor.
5 Food.
81 Alloys.
^196.

House Harrak is defending with all fleets:
The House of Sands
House Radiant
House Durin
House Sinister
House Nagant

House Harrak is to its knowledge defended by:
House Radiant
House Durin
House Sinister x2 fleets

[MonkeyMarkMario]

Production and growth on Farm 1 happens.

Spoiler: House Durin (click to show/hide)

Lord Tyranios, of House Durin

11[9+1]F Farm 1 1 Army.
-21 food
4[1]F Farm 2 0 Army.
-2 food
6[5]R Refinery 1 1 Army.
-11 alloys
4[2]R Refinery 2 0 Army.
-4 alloys
6[4]M* MachineHome 1 Army. (24+6/35) fleet
-6 effort or 24 money(at 4 pop)

1 Fleet.
0 Favour.

Food: 16(start)+23(production)-11(upkeep)-21(growth)= 7
Alloys: 1(start)+15(production)-12(upkeep)= 4
Money: 25(start)+21(production)-8(upkeep)= 38
POP: 21+1

Spoiler: Pacts (click to show/hide)

Non-Aggression Pacts with House Harrak, House Ravenwood, and House Ayes
Fealty to Emperor Insanus Cancer
Mutual defense pacts with House Nagant and House Harrak

Defending: House Nagant, House Harrak
Defended by: House Nagant, House Harrak

[Kashyyk]

A bunch of internal reshuffling occurs.

Would anyone be interested in selling me 9 Food, for ^7?

Spoiler: House Sinister (click to show/hide)

Lord Tyrannous, of House Sinister

20[5+1]M* Koldon Prime (50% size, 50% homeworld) (21/35)
 - Army: 2nd Ducal Guard "Iron Hearts"

14[14]F Martyrs' Bounty (30% Size Bonus)

8[7+1]R Vulcus (20% Size Bonus)

Pre-Open: ^60, 0 Alloys, 0 Food, 0 Favour
  Emperor Cancer: -Ettin, -^60, +Vulcus
Opening balance: ^0, 0 Alloys, 0 Food, 0 Favour
  Move Pop: -^12
    -12 Pop @ Koldon Prime
     +5 Pop @ Martyrs' Bounty
     +7 Pop @ Vulcus
  Martyrs' Bounty: +36 Food, +^14
  House Harrak: +20 Food
  Vulcus: -7 Food, +16 Alloys, +^7
  Koldon Prime: -5 Food, -16 Alloys, +^32, +^5
  Market: -^10, +10 Food
  Pop Growth:
    -26 Food, +1 Pop @ Koldon Prime
    -27 Food, +1 Pop @ Vulcus
  Upkeep: -^20 Fleets, -^1 Armies
Closing Balance: ^15, 0 Alloys, 1 Food, 0 Favour

4 Fleets
1st Fleet "Peace in our Time"
2nd Fleet "Walk Softly"
3rd Fleet "Big Stick"
4th Fleet "Gunboat Diplomat"

Military Matters
Defending House Harrak with two fleets

Spoiler: Fealty Contract (click to show/hide)

Pledge of Loyalty and Fealty to the Emperor, Lord Insanus Cancer, ruler of Earth, the Sol System, and all of Mankind

We the undersigned hereby pledge loyalty and fealty to the Emperor, Lord Insanus Cancer, ruler of Earth, the Sol System, and all of Mankind. 

We acknowledge that stewardship of the planets under our House is given only through the benevolent generosity of the Emperor, and that the Emperor holds eminent domain over all.  We pledge to serve the Emperor for all time, through life and death, sickness and health, and to never betray him, nor raise a banner in opposition, nor lift a finger against him.

The Emperor is the wisest and most powerful human in all of the universe.  It is a joy to wake every day knowing the Emperor guides us with wisdom and courage, and that he is much smarter and far more handsome than anyone else.  We pledge to follow his every order, for his grand plan is ineffable and to counter his designs is treason against the entire human race.  We pledge allegiance to the Emperor and will spend every waking moment thinking about how great he is.

We promise to never ever break this contract, ever.

Signed,
Lord Tyrannous, of House Sinister.

[NUKE9.13]

ACTACTACT: Bid 10^ on Size 3 Farmworld

Move 1 Pop from New Charon to Thpenos. Production happens on New Pluto, New Charon. Start building a fleet on Thpenos.

Spoiler: House Radiant (includes military deployment stuff) (click to show/hide)

Lord Nuke, of House Radiant

16[9]F* New Pluto. (x1.9) 1 Army.
9[8]R New Charon. (x1.2) 1 Army.
10[10]M Thpenos. (x1.2) (12/35)(+12(10x1.2))

2 Food -> 18 Food (+34 produced (18x1.9), -18 eaten)
44 Alloys -> 13 Alloys (+19 produced (16x1.2), -50 Fleet)
45 ^Karats -> 10 Karats (+27 taxes, -12 upkeep, -50 Fleet) (10 reserved for bid)

1 Favour.

LOANS N STUFF
naw tho

MILITARY MATTERS
Fleets: 2.
Defending: House Ayes, House Nagant, House Durin, House Ravenwood, House Vix, House Harrak
Defended by: House Ayes, House Nagant, House Durin, House Ravenwood, House Vix, House Harrak

[Kashyyk]

ActActAct: Bid ^15 on the Farmworld

[Iris]

ACTACTACT: Bid 10 food on the Size 3 Farmworld.

Spoiler: House Ravenwood (click to show/hide)

Possessions:
14+1[14]F* "Seltun", 1 Army
12[9+1]R "Askja", 1 Army
7+1[3]M "Hellisheidi". 0 Armies

2 Fleets
 - 1st Fleet "Ymir"
 - 2nd Fleet "Skadi"

Defending: None

Resources:
1 favour

Karats:
69^ in treasury

• +14^ (Taxes: Seltun)
• +9^ (Taxes: Askja)
• +3^ (Taxes: Hellisheidi)
• +15^ (Production: Hellisheidi)
• -14^ (Expansion: Seltun)
• -7^ (Expansion: Hellisheidi)
• -2^ (Upkeep: 2 armies)
• -10^ (Upkeep: 2 fleets)

= 77^

Food:
16 food in storage

• +50 food (Production: Seltun)
• -9 food (Consumption: Askja)
• -3 food (Consumption: Hellisheidi)
• -26 food (Growth: Askja)
• -10 food (Bid: Size 3 Farmworld)

= 18 food

Alloys:
32 alloy in storage

• +23 alloy (Production: Askja)
• -6 alloy (Production: Hellisheidi)
• -14 alloy (Expansion: Seltun)
• -7 alloy (Expansion: Hellisheidi)

= 28 alloy

[NUKE9.13]

ACTACTACT: Bid 10^ and 10 Alloys on Size 3 Farmworld.

[FiveBalesOfHay]

ACTACTACT
Bid 20 alloys and 20^ on the planet.

[evictedSaint]

Turn 14: Get My Good Size
I am the Emperor.  My word is law.

TURNTURNTURN


The Emperor's Mood: Annoyed



The Emperor Insanus Cancer flicks his eyes to the side.  "How much longer is this going to take?" He growls through gritted teeth, arms trembling from holding the pose.

"Not  much longer, my Emperor," the advisor says quickly, dabbing sweat from his brow.  This most recent replacement claimed to be quite skilled at the arts, and Insanus had insisted on having his portrait done.

Of course, that had been before he knew how long portraits took.

"I simply cannot wait any longer!" Snapping, Insanus drops his arms and stalks over to where the oil and canvas were set up.  Despite his aides protests, he pushes the man aside and glares at the work.

"That's it? This is all you've managed in the past thirty seconds?"

"My Emperor, art is a slow process, and oil painting takes diligence and patience to - "

"Enough!  I don't want to hear it!  You can explain your slothen attitude towards art to the dungeon warden for all I care!  I think I'll have one of the Houses craft my portraits for me instead!"



New Event The Emperor wishes to have his portrait made!  Submit a work of art which best encapsulates the glorious soul of the Emperor.  The "best" (subject to the Emperors fickle whims) will receive a Favour.  You do not need to submit an original work (though be sure to cite the author if you use someone else's creation).  AI art is also acceptable.

Failure to submit anything will result in Excommunication.


House Harrak wins the bid for the 3[0]R Farmworld!  The Alloys go to the First Emperors Bank of Metals for safekeeping, and the Karats are lost between the couch cushions.

New Planet Available!
2[0] Size 2 Refineryworld
Available for auction. Starting bid is 10^.
Small and frozen, this planet features a great deal of ice constantly shifting and cracking on the surface as its perilously-close moon constantly causes gravitational shifts.  Beneath the ice is a vast ocean of dark, chilly water, populated by horrifying xeno leviathans.  Deeper still is the sea bed, which features a dense, muddy slurry of precious minerals which can be mined and refined into Alloys.

Spoiler: The Emperor (click to show/hide)

Emperor Insanus Cancer, Ruler of Earth, the Sol System, and all of Mankind.

20[20]M* Earth 10 Armies
8[8]R Moon 5 Armies
10[10]R Mercury 5 Armies
8[8]F Venus 5 Armies
20[20]F Mars 5 Armies
2[2]F Ceres 5 Armies
5[5]R Europa 5 Armies
20[20]R Asteroid Belt 5 Armies
10[10]M Pluto 8 Armies

^750
120Food
100Alloy

12 Fleets
1st Fleet "Treason Purged through Hellfire"
2nd Fleet "Forgiveness Through Destruction"
3rd Fleet "Agony is a Traitors Reward"
5th Fleet "Five Golden Rings"
6th Fleet "Annihilation Without Remorse"
10th Fleet "Regrettable Choices Repaid"
11th Fleet "Beg Forgiveness and Be Destroyed"
12th Fleet "Insanus Cancer"
13th Fleet "Play Nice Now"
14th Fleet "One Turn Surprise"
15th Fleet "Back Up To Full"
16th Fleet "Economic Might"

[FiveBalesOfHay]

The new planet is named Gruel.

Spoiler: House Harrak (click to show/hide)

Lord Erwin, of House Harrak

20[20]F* Everra
3[0]F Gruel
13[11]R Dune
8[2]R Tropicon

2 Fleets.
1 Favor.
72 Food.
113 Alloys.
^219.

House Harrak is defending with all fleets:
The House of Sands
House Radiant
House Durin
House Sinister
House Nagant

House Harrak is to its knowledge defended by:
House Radiant
House Durin

[Iris]

Accounting done. Diplomacy and contest submission to follow.

Spoiler: House Ravenwood (click to show/hide)

Possessions:
15+1[14+1]F* "Seltun", 1 Army
12[10]R "Askja", 1 Army
8+1[3+1]M "Hellisheidi". 0 Armies

2 Fleets
 - 1st Fleet "Ymir"
 - 2nd Fleet "Skadi"

Defending: None

Resources:
1 favour

Karats:
77^ in treasury

• +14^ (Taxes: Seltun)
• +10^ (Taxes: Askja)
• +3^ (Taxes: Hellisheidi)
• +17^ (Production: Hellisheidi)
• -15^ (Expansion: Seltun)
• -8^ (Expansion: Hellisheidi)
• -2^ (Upkeep: 2 armies)
• -10^ (Upkeep: 2 fleets)

= 86^

Food:
18 food in storage

• +50 food (Production: Seltun)
• -10 food (Consumption: Askja)
• -3 food (Consumption: Hellisheidi)
• -27 food (Growth: Seltun)
• -28 food (Growth: Hellisheidi)
• +10 food (Bid: Size 3 Farmworld)

= 10 food

Alloys:
28 alloy in storage

• +23 alloy (Production: Askja)
• -6 alloy (Production: Hellisheidi)
• -15 alloy (Expansion: Seltun)
• -8 alloy (Expansion: Hellisheidi)

= 22 alloy

[NUKE9.13]

Production. Grow population of New Pluto.

As per House Ravenwood's wishes, House Radiant will no longer defend or be defended by them.

Spoiler: House Radiant (includes military deployment stuff) (click to show/hide)

Lord Nuke, of House Radiant

16[9+1]F* New Pluto. (x1.9) 1 Army.
9[8]R New Charon. (x1.2) 1 Army.
10[10]M Thpenos. (x1.2) (24/35)(+12(10x1.2))

18 Food -> 7 Food (+34 produced (18x1.9), -18 eaten, -27 pop growth)
13 Alloys -> 32 Alloys (+19 produced (16x1.2))
10 ^Karats -> 25 Karats (+27 taxes, -12 upkeep)

1 Favour.

LOANS N STUFF
naw tho

MILITARY MATTERS
Fleets: 2.
Defending: House Ayes, House Nagant, House Durin, House Vix, House Harrak
Defended by: House Ayes, House Nagant, House Durin, House Vix, House Harrak

[NUKE9.13]

Also,
ACTACTACT: I have always admired the magenta carpet in the Emperor's Orbital Throne Room.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)