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[Grim Portent]

Is it that obvious? I suppose I should've figured it would be, for you guys anyways. Yes, yes, I am pretty depressed. Clinically, even. I am very mentally ill actually, in all sorts of exotic, queer ways. I lowkey should be institutionalised. Or at least observed. I wish I was joking.

Before you say it, no, I absolutely cannot seek help. Mental health care here is nigh-useless. It is all either conservative muslim woman hoping score heaven points by preaching about Islam, or old hags who use papers from 1960's and classify homosexuality as a mental illness. Not to mention the waiting times. It is not an option. Turkey is not a place that values mental health. Geography is fate.

I do not feel inadequate towards the greater society as a whole. I frankly do not care about the worthless opinions of their obviously false god and con artist, pedophile prophet. I've always found it very easy to completely disregard cultural norms, too. I do not have internalised homophobia. I am sure of that.

My feelings of inadequacy come from within. I can only describe it as a hunch. An overwhelming, dysphoric feeling. It isn't paranoia. It is not a distant, unsure "what-if". It is an alarm. An alarm that says "Something's not right. Something's missing." I don't know what, but it is just that.

Maybe this means I am nuts. Runs in the family, no big deal. Or maybe my subconscious is obsessing over nothing again, perceiving things where there are none. I might even be hyperfixated on a previously miniscule feeling in my attempts to understand it, and accidentally made it larger because feelings are fractal and all that.

I am rambling now. I'll probably be marginally better come spring.

Might be worth trying to find an online counsellor. There's a quite a few organisations that cater to LGBTQ youths with mental health concerns, and they aren't going to have the cultural hangups common in Turkey.

Do you have a group of friends that you spend time with? Proper friends I mean, with common interests and open mindsets. I struggled a lot with my mental health in my teens and the start of my twenties because I didn't fit in well with my peers, and that didn't really get better until I went to University and had a lot more people my age with shared interests to hang out with. While a lot of my struggles were unrelated to my sexuality, or rather my sexuality played only a minor part in them, having more friends helped me with feeling comfortable in myself in general, including my attraction to men and prompted me to confront my longstanding depression.

[Magmacube_tr]

Might be worth trying to find an online counsellor. There's a quite a few organisations that cater to LGBTQ youths with mental health concerns, and they aren't going to have the cultural hangups common in Turkey.

I dunno... Seems sketchy. But again, most things seem like that to me, so... Maybe it could be worth a shot.

Do you have a group of friends that you spend time with? Proper friends I mean, with common interests and open mindsets. I struggled a lot with my mental health in my teens and the start of my twenties because I didn't fit in well with my peers, and that didn't really get better until I went to University and had a lot more people my age with shared interests to hang out with. While a lot of my struggles were unrelated to my sexuality, or rather my sexuality played only a minor part in them, having more friends helped me with feeling comfortable in myself in general, including my attraction to men and prompted me to confront my longstanding depression.

no

No, I dont.  And I can't. Navigating neurotypical social norms is like walking on a minefield at night. They are especially unforgiving in this culture. The only way to win, is not to play.

[Vector]

Started on a T microdose. I had a hell of a weepy and anxious first month while I tried to figure out if I should be on:

• zero gel
• "one" gel [standard nonbinary transmasc dose]
• "one and a half" gel
• "two" gel [standard trans male dose]

Anyway it turns out that on "one" gel I eat and on the other amounts I don't, so I'm practicing acceptance of sloooooow change and leaning in for the long haul.

Among other things I unfortunately learned after accessing medical treatment, I'm genderfluid and rotate between various genders, preferred sexual interests, and expressions. I say "unfortunately" because I still mostly go by "they" but I suddenly unlocked both my inner scruffy masc butch and my inner high femme (and everything in-between)

I was worried I was gonna need a whole lot of surgery but after one month my chest is receding enough that I can get away with skipping the binder on some days, I'm pretty committed to and settled into at least the hormonal part of the transition, AND I can usually redirect my brain to think about things other than gender dysphoria when that flares up. We'll see what happens next but I feel pretty good about not making any further moves for the next two or three years.

You'd think a game about pawns becoming queens would be more accepting.

Also, this is a great quote.

[Great Order]

Is High Femme like a high elf? Extremely snooty around other non high-fems, but somehow never overtaking them?

[StrawBarrel]

Congrats on starting T.

[Magmacube_tr]

WE ARE BACK

[MaxTheFox]

I call myself bi but I was thinking about it and I can't recall feeling any particular sexual attraction to a man ever.

I think I am homosexual/biromantic.

[EuchreJack]

I call myself bi but I was thinking about it and I can't recall feeling any particular sexual attraction to a man ever.

I think I am homosexual/biromantic.

If you self-identify as "male" at times and as "female" at times, and are always attracted to women, then the identify of "bi" makes sense to me.
Just a random thought from the peanut gallery...

[MaxTheFox]

I'm not genderfluid though.

But I suppose then it'd make sense yes.

[StrawBarrel]

Lawmakers in Thailand overwhelmingly approve a bill to legalize same-sex marriage
https://apnews.com/article/thailand-marriage-same-sex-equality-law-9a2f9da6b5b36a1cf70dee5caec70e23

The bill amends the Civil and Commercial Code to change the words “men and women” and “husband and wife” to “individuals” and “marriage partners.” It would open up access to full legal, financial and medical rights for LGBTQ+ couples.

I think it's very good to see this legislation happen in Thailand.

[EuchreJack]

Lawmakers in Thailand overwhelmingly approve a bill to legalize same-sex marriage
https://apnews.com/article/thailand-marriage-same-sex-equality-law-9a2f9da6b5b36a1cf70dee5caec70e23

The bill amends the Civil and Commercial Code to change the words “men and women” and “husband and wife” to “individuals” and “marriage partners.” It would open up access to full legal, financial and medical rights for LGBTQ+ couples.

I think it's very good to see this legislation happen in Thailand.

Great law.
But we'll see if the next Military Junta keeps it, or overturns it.

It is still a sign of progress, as what happened before can more easily happen again.

[StrawBarrel]

Today is Trans Day of Visibility.

[EuchreJack]

Congrats! Enjoy the 15 year anniversary.

I predict this year's theme to be bunnies, since it is Easter.

[Great Order]

Today's theme seems to be, rather hilariously, right-wing chuds getting upset that Easter's been stolen from them.

[Rolan7]

I'm sure they're particularly amused that Biden made it official this year, of all years

It's also the second anniversary of my HRT consultation.  I'm feeling pretty good, mostly
Looked at video logs from that day... I still have some face dysphoria, but I feel a lot better seeing the improvement.  My face is fundamentally SO much easier to look at now.

My plan's to put in an extra effort on appearance and head downtown for a bit.  I'll put my progress flag in my window too, like for Pride month.  Maybe... I won't take it down this time?
For something spicier...  I had an altercation with a Tate flunky in a voice chat. 

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

He leapt to the conclusion that I was taking testosterone, which was fun at first, and I got to describe nice aspects of the trans experience.  I think maybe at first he even wanted to show a trans man how to be a Real Man (in the toxic Tate sense).  But things went downhill when he kept asking if I wanted to kill or physically steal the muscles from men at the gym.  I had to explain that I do not, and actually, I am attracted to strong nurturing masculinity.  These answers seemed to flip a switch in his head, and from that point on was... extremely gross to someone he saw as a woman.

He also did the "archaeologists will find your skeleton" thing (BEFORE going aggro) which legit made me laugh.  I explained three levels on which I didn't care about that, and he just sorta moved on lol

But yeah he started spamming clips of Mike Tyson and worshipping the guy, and his violence and violence and it was just extraordinarily gross.  he told me to "calm down" and that was that, lol

It was kinda fun to chat about the trans experience in voice, though.  I should do that more.  with people who aren't steeped in that crap